The Aliens are Coming

Looking around we couldn't help notice things were changing. Population explosions, climate change, political turmoil and constant unrest coupled with the alarming rate of death among aging musical superstars have made the earth a very uncomfortable place. Similar to a party when all of the good snacks are gone. People mill around. Nibbling on saltines. No one is happy, though.

It seemed like the ideal time to start our Martian Inhabitation and eXploration (MIX) program. Yes, it is a hostile, toxic environment with no ability to support life, and with temperature extremes, dust storms kicking up minute, slightly electrostatic, sand like dust motes that stick to everything, work their way into mechanical parts and cause no end of problems. Moreover, not only is there not a decent take out place the nearest grocery store is 54.6 billion kilometers away. Still, looking at the world today we decided to give it a go.

We stopped the first night on the moon. it is on the way, part of the time, and we left some stuff there last time we went camping. A portable generator, a mini fridge, and, we think, Bob, from the custodial staff, we hope anyway.

After landing, we set up camp, found Bob, who had survived quite nicely, even put on a few pounds. We started to fix a little dinner, burritos, nachos, and cold cervezas, Mexican food tastes even better in space. Nobody knows why, but ask anybody who has ever tried it, Buzz Aldrin once was quoted as saying "man, these tacos kick a$$!" You won't learn that in any of those revisionist history books in school. Our plans were interrupted by the sound of sawing, hammering and what what we interpreted as alien swearing. It was coming from the dark side of the moon.

Creeping carefully over the rise we were shocked to see the whole place lit up. Bright enough to see thousands of aliens constructing a hotel, restaurant, amusement park and fantasy mini golf course. 

We knew, despite our deepest hope of being wrong, this was the first step in the alien invasion. Soonthese monsters would descend on Earth, snapping photos, bickering over the price of cheap, souvenir trinkets, leaving insufficient tips after ordering extravagant meals. Carping, complaining, and kvetching all over the planet. 

We had to get back and warn everybody. Here you go, now you are warned. The Aliens are coming. Now you know.

A change of plans, and possibly destination.

Great News!!!  Gasoline prices have plummeted, they are insanely cheap.  Stopping to fill up on the way to work this morning, the price, after our grocery discount, was almost ridiculous.  Not that we are complaining.

With prices this low it was decided that it was time to move our Space Exploration Initiative schedule ahead a little bit.

We are very excited by this, we have been planning this for months, and sometimes, with the people around here, and all of the annoying, petty, attention to detail ("make sure the rockets are bolted tightly to the side or it could explode," "check the coolant, or it could explode") it has seemed like centuries.  Engineers are really irritating sometimes.

 At first we were going to take off to Mars, it is close, and it gets all of the press.  Who doesn't want to meet a Martian, after all?  But, it has been looked at quite a bit lately.  And you know, if we land there now, NASA will get all whiny, and if Curiosity ever breaks down they will blame us, no matter when it happens.  Man, did they get mad when we took this picture of Professor Dawg.  You can't blame them, really, it would be so difficult to depend on the federal government for your continued existence.  Imagine going before the Houses of Congress, asking for a few bucks, and watching everybody start screaming childishly at each other and then shut down the government.  It would be kind of tough.

Keeping NASA, and all of their problems in mind, and considering how ludicrously, ridiculously inexpensive gas is, we have decided to visit Jupiter instead.

Of course, space travel is incredibly complicated, imagine driving to the store to grab some cervezas and a couple of frozen pizzas (the good kind, maybe Red Stripe, and DiGiornos, as long as you are imagining it might as well be the good stuff, it doesn't cost anymore to imagine big, right?), but the store is moving, so you have to adjust your speed, and direction accordingly.  Now imagine that you were just planning on visiting your neighbor, and all of your formulas and calculations were designed around a trip to the end of the block, and all of the sudden, because you saved so much on gas you decided to take a longer trip to the store, and you have to go quickly before greed, and indifference toward consumers, causes the price of gas to "skyrocket" (a little space exploration humor).  If you just imagined all of that you can see our potential problems.

Considering this, we might be visiting Saturn.  Which would be kind of cool, there are all of those rings, and stuff.  Not to worry, though, we have taken extra snacks, clean clothes, and a few extra cases of bottled water.  It might be difficult to find a convenience store once you get past Mars.

Another Thing to be Worried About

Just when you thought you were pretty safe from Ravenous Arachnids (which might make a good name for a movie, if there are any producers thinking this might make a good show), unless you are a bat, that is, this was reported by MSN today (not today, but when this was originally posted, and I have never let little things like facts stand in my way).

 

Giant asbestos-infected tarantula loose in Wales

Head for one of your many hills, Wales. Tis no spider, tis a remorseless asbestos-contaminated tarantula on the loose. The existence of the arachnid was revealed after its recently-shed skin was recovered by asbestos-removal workers in an abandoned old house in the Welsh capital of Cardiff. Experts think the Chilean rose tarantula, which is INFECTED WITH ASBESTOS, could be twice as large after shedding it skin. One of the workers spotted a giant spider leg after lifting up a floorboard, and like any rational person, screamed and fled the house, as did a number of others. Some brave and foolhardy souls stayed and recovered the skin, which tests later confirmed was the skin from an ASBESTOS-INFECTED TARANTULA. That is still at large. Shiver.

Giant, Asbestos Infected, United Kingdom Tarantulas.  If you are thinking, "well, this is in Wales, and I couldn't find Wales on a globe, if you spotted me the continent."  (The previous sentence applies only to Americans who are terribly naive about geography) In a world where jet planes carry people from one continent to another with ease and speed at such a relatively small price, Wales is right next door.  That's right, Giant, Asbestos Infected, Welsh Tarantulas are living right next door to you!

The Moon is looking better all of the time.