Three Day Weekends and the Cost.

There is something wonderful about a three day weekend.  An extra day off, with pay, it just seems too good to be true.  Luxurious, decadent leisure time, one less alarm clock intrusion into the sweet, restful world of dreams, a little gift from the gods of laziness, and it is yours to spend as you wish.  But, it comes with a price. Reality demands a certain amount of suffering.  Balance needs maintenance, one way or another dues need to be paid.

For some inexplicable reason, the 4 day weeks following a 3 day weekend last almost 6 days.  Despite the development of elaborate time keeping devices, including the Atomic Clock, and the Casio Twin Sensor (which is not just a watch, but a compass and thermometer as well) mankind has been unable to explain this unnatural phenomenon.  Recently, Life Explained has commissioned a study to discover the cause of this inconsistency.  A crack team of time technicians have been at work on this problem since Labor Day, 2012.  Carefully dissecting minutes and examining each second for accuracy. What they found was startling.

Time is not actually a constant.  It is a variable, it takes longer for some time to go by, while other time just zooms past.  Looking back that would explain a lot.  But, here is the strange part, time is really a capricious, sentient being.  It has been around quite a while and occasionally gets a little mischievous just to pass the time.  Further, it sometimes teams up with space (another surprisingly sentient and vengeful entity) to play some very unkind practical jokes on humanity.

Man, that lunch hour was the best five
minutes of my life.

That is why lunchtime can go so quickly, and there is less room in your clothes afterward.  In scientific terms this is called the space time distortion affect.  And has led to a drastic increase in diet beverage sales, as well as psychological therapy.

As a public service we, here at Life Explained, are going to let you in on a little secret. Forget the gym, all the fad diets, all the crazy health advice about heart rates and steps and cardio, kale, pomegranate and dark chocolate, just set a shrine in your living room. A glorious temple to praise and bring glory and honor to time and space. Burn some incense, make a few ritual, shamanistic gestures, and soon you will look younger, fitter, healthier than you ever have. And trust us, here at Life Explained, you don't have any time to waste.You can thank us later.

Don't forget to run over to The Wild Word and cast your vote for your favorite song, out of our favorite songs, there is no write ins allowed, we are not anarchists, after all. Remember the wisdom of Walt Kelly's Pogo.

A Space Story (part ii)

This is part 2 of an ongoing story with the ingenious +Mike Raven at The Blog Of Thog.

We were cruising through the galaxy, not really doing anything, avoiding the long arm of intergalactic law. It’s a good life, if you don’t expect too much. Food was plentiful, but kind of bland and entertainment was scarce. Sure we had video games, and some card games, and some video players, but all that time hiding among the rocks and debris of space was tedious.Tempers were short.

“Captain, we have a ship coming from the direction of the Terra Galaxy,” the first mate screamed, a little shrill, a little loud, crashing through the dead silence of the bored, listless cabin. It startled me, snapping me out of a daydream about glorious Filtimino tacos, filled with beast and space sauce. I would kill for one of those.

I spilled my coffee in my lap, burned like the fires of the sun. Pain shot down my legs, up my back, seared into my brain, twisted my face into spasms of ugliness. I leaped into the air, my face contorted in a mask of agony.  

I ran over to the second in command, grabbed his iced tea and poured it over my pants. People all over the cabin were looking at me as if I had gone crazy. Blank, staring faces following my every movement. All of them grabbed their drinks, holding them tight.

“What the hell, man? What was that all about, you screamed like a girl.” I said, feeling a little foolish. Commander of a ship filled with space pirates, ne’er do wells, cut throats and criminals startled out of all my cool by a little shriek, from a hardened criminal. 

“Hey, what do you mean by that?” All the female members of the crew said, almost in unison. 

“Well, I didn’t really mean anything, I was just startled and the pain was clouding my judgment. It was just a slip of the tongue. Look, you guys know I love you, right? All of you. Each and every one of you. Without you girls, and you guys, all of you, and I don’t think of you as men and women, just valued crew members. It was a silly mistake...”

“And the ship is still coming toward us. It doesn’t seem to see us, it is sending out a low radiation scan, but it seems pointed toward the asteroid just in front of us.” The first mate said, puttting down his bottle of water, on the far side, away from where I could reach it. I rolled my eyes up in my head, nobody had listened to a damned thing I said.

“OK, I said, turn 75 degrees to the starboard and head out of range. Keep an eye on that ship. Has anybody ever seen anything like that before?”

“I think it is a Terran ship, it looks small to be out so far, lightly armed, slow and poorly defended. We could probably win a battle with them, if we had any ammunition, and our reactor was repaired, and our weapons office wasn’t in the brig for stealing the last of the donuts.” Baldrid, The science officer said. He was the oldest guy in the crew, and knew a lot of things about a lot of things.

I filled my coffee, and sat down, waiting for whatever happened next, I was wide awake, nothing would catch me off guard again.

Klaxons blared, lights flashed the cabin was filled with light and noise. I jumped up, spilled my coffee on my shirt, agony.

“Police Cruiser, coming fast, from the Sirius.” Somebody yelled.

“Quick, land on the asteroid, and hide.” It was stupid, but what else could we do?

“The one the Terrans are looking at?” 

The Aliens are Coming

Looking around we couldn't help notice things were changing. Population explosions, climate change, political turmoil and constant unrest coupled with the alarming rate of death among aging musical superstars have made the earth a very uncomfortable place. Similar to a party when all of the good snacks are gone. People mill around. Nibbling on saltines. No one is happy, though.

It seemed like the ideal time to start our Martian Inhabitation and eXploration (MIX) program. Yes, it is a hostile, toxic environment with no ability to support life, and with temperature extremes, dust storms kicking up minute, slightly electrostatic, sand like dust motes that stick to everything, work their way into mechanical parts and cause no end of problems. Moreover, not only is there not a decent take out place the nearest grocery store is 54.6 billion kilometers away. Still, looking at the world today we decided to give it a go.

We stopped the first night on the moon. it is on the way, part of the time, and we left some stuff there last time we went camping. A portable generator, a mini fridge, and, we think, Bob, from the custodial staff, we hope anyway.

After landing, we set up camp, found Bob, who had survived quite nicely, even put on a few pounds. We started to fix a little dinner, burritos, nachos, and cold cervezas, Mexican food tastes even better in space. Nobody knows why, but ask anybody who has ever tried it, Buzz Aldrin once was quoted as saying "man, these tacos kick a$$!" You won't learn that in any of those revisionist history books in school. Our plans were interrupted by the sound of sawing, hammering and what what we interpreted as alien swearing. It was coming from the dark side of the moon.

Creeping carefully over the rise we were shocked to see the whole place lit up. Bright enough to see thousands of aliens constructing a hotel, restaurant, amusement park and fantasy mini golf course. 

We knew, despite our deepest hope of being wrong, this was the first step in the alien invasion. Soonthese monsters would descend on Earth, snapping photos, bickering over the price of cheap, souvenir trinkets, leaving insufficient tips after ordering extravagant meals. Carping, complaining, and kvetching all over the planet. 

We had to get back and warn everybody. Here you go, now you are warned. The Aliens are coming. Now you know.

Life Explained Space Station.

Recently we, here at Life Explained, purchased a gently used Space Shuttle. This is the latest step in our plans to spread Life Explained all over the universe.

Fortunately, with all of the zeal of my co-workers I am free to goof around a little bit. They have taken over procurement (fanatically), planning (if you want to call it that), and execution (though we are still deciding who to execute, nominations are being accepted).

Most people would let a turn of events like this affect their self esteem, somehow lessen their self

worth. Doctor Dawg and I prefer to think that if you surround yourself with able people who are willing to work long into the night, toiling endlessly over the minute details, dotting the Is and crossing the Ts, beating the horse and saddling up the drum it leaves us with a little flexibility. Like taking the VW beetle* and cruising up to Put In Bay for a day of leisure, and a few cold ones. And campaigning, of course.

Of course, we want to do out part so we made this video, with the new Life Explained water mark. Please, enjoy, and meet us on the island, we will buy the first round.

*Whoever bought the VW deserves a raise.

You'll thank us later, if you survive.

Life Explained recently signed a big contract to assist in the development of a space based missile defense. It set the whole building electric with excitement. Hallways resembled beehives, people scurrying about, buzzing, and often running into each other, or walls.  There were several fractures, and many people were taken to the infirmary.  Finally, an announcement came over the P.A.. "Please return to your work area, the donuts have not arrived yet."

Groans, and sobs, and dejection, an overwhelming air of defeat blanketed the building.  White coated scientists, sitting on polished white floors, their backs against sterile white walls, weeping into their hands. It was a wretched sight.

Soon, the indomitable human spirit came shining through. One by one these fragile, broken souls struggled to their feet, and went out for lunch. When they got back they rolled up their shirtsleeves and went to work.

Their first order of business was to decide what was the best weapon to stop a missile. Another missile was the first suggestion, but that seemed a little primitive, finite. You would have to hit a moving target with a moving projectile, which could spell big trouble.

They sat around and thought, and drew stuff on black boards, white boards, easels with giant note pads.  Dr. Lee pointed out the difficulties in intercepting a swarm of missiles in flight. It would be much easier to redirect them,

"We could" he said, holding a half eaten reuben sandwich, "either take over the targeting system and send them back to blow up the country that had the audacity to fire them at us. Conversely, we could speed up the rotation of the Earth, placing the aggressors country smack dab under the missiles. They would blow the bejesus out of themselves."

That might just be crazy enough to work. We ran some computer simulations, and while a few
people, mostly close to the equator will fly off the planet and hurtle into the cold, inky grave of space, most of us, here at Life Explained, would survive. As would the people who write the checks in the great defense contractor accounts payable department.

We have scheduled the first test for tomorrow at 10:00 GMT. Please make sure you hold onto something well anchored. And forgive us if time is altered in ways unimaginable. Also, we are not responsible for any rifts in the fabric of reality, and the accompanying alien or demon invasion that results.

Thank  you,

The management of Life Explained Missile Defense

Hey, NASA, great idea, whose was it?

Charles Bolden, NASA chief, recently held a press conference announcing his plans to send a manned mission to mars.  He feels this is the only way to assure the continued existence of humanity. He did not detail his reasons for concern, and we are kind of grateful.  However, we are compiling a list of our own, "Life Explained Threats to the Continued Existence of Humanity, so far we have;

1-Humanity (we are researching an antidote for this affliction)
2-Spiders
3-Invasive Species (including spiders)

But that is not what we are here to talk about today.  We are here to discuss timing, and gratitude.  Readers will probably remember Life Explained advocating this very course of action.

See, we told you it was a good idea.

As is plain to see, either we have very good ideas, well ahead of everybody else, or we have a time machine.  Unfortunately, we are not allowed to disclose that information, contractual obligations, you know?  But, you can thank us later, or earlier, if you have a time machine.

Monkeys in space, why is it always monkeys?