The Aliens are Coming

Looking around we couldn't help notice things were changing. Population explosions, climate change, political turmoil and constant unrest coupled with the alarming rate of death among aging musical superstars have made the earth a very uncomfortable place. Similar to a party when all of the good snacks are gone. People mill around. Nibbling on saltines. No one is happy, though.

It seemed like the ideal time to start our Martian Inhabitation and eXploration (MIX) program. Yes, it is a hostile, toxic environment with no ability to support life, and with temperature extremes, dust storms kicking up minute, slightly electrostatic, sand like dust motes that stick to everything, work their way into mechanical parts and cause no end of problems. Moreover, not only is there not a decent take out place the nearest grocery store is 54.6 billion kilometers away. Still, looking at the world today we decided to give it a go.

We stopped the first night on the moon. it is on the way, part of the time, and we left some stuff there last time we went camping. A portable generator, a mini fridge, and, we think, Bob, from the custodial staff, we hope anyway.

After landing, we set up camp, found Bob, who had survived quite nicely, even put on a few pounds. We started to fix a little dinner, burritos, nachos, and cold cervezas, Mexican food tastes even better in space. Nobody knows why, but ask anybody who has ever tried it, Buzz Aldrin once was quoted as saying "man, these tacos kick a$$!" You won't learn that in any of those revisionist history books in school. Our plans were interrupted by the sound of sawing, hammering and what what we interpreted as alien swearing. It was coming from the dark side of the moon.

Creeping carefully over the rise we were shocked to see the whole place lit up. Bright enough to see thousands of aliens constructing a hotel, restaurant, amusement park and fantasy mini golf course. 

We knew, despite our deepest hope of being wrong, this was the first step in the alien invasion. Soonthese monsters would descend on Earth, snapping photos, bickering over the price of cheap, souvenir trinkets, leaving insufficient tips after ordering extravagant meals. Carping, complaining, and kvetching all over the planet. 

We had to get back and warn everybody. Here you go, now you are warned. The Aliens are coming. Now you know.

Better Luck Next Month.

It is a short trip, in the scheme of things, Mars is only a day trip compared to some places, and it behooves us, here at Life Explained, to make the trip. We have the space shuttle, thanks in large part to a short trip to Tennessee, and a shaky chain of command, and a peculiarly open Purchase Order system. It is kind of complicated, and has never been fully explained. Kind of like life.

But, as the leading applied technology company in the known universe we feel a crushing responsibility to our stakeholders, to the public at large and to the future generations who depend on us to make sure science is advanced at the proper pace, and there is still a safe place to live.

So, we reverse engineered the space shuttle, (named Space Shuttle Future Profits, we have strong faith in the theory of self fulfilling prophecies) built some larger transport ships to carry building supplies, food, drinks, video equipment, extra clothing, and various stuff that may be needed. Nobody really knows much about establishing a colony on Mars, we want to be prepared. As an interesting side note we did manage to stow three cases of wine, one Merlot, one Sauvignon Blanc, and one Strawberry Farms Grape Explosion. Everybody should be covered until we can start producing our own.

Everything was loaded, and the twenty four hour countdown was proceeding nicely. Go, no go, was all go. Until somebody put a bumper sticker, "Hillary for Pres." And then somebody covered it with a "Trump the man with the Plan." Then somebody covered that with a "Trump is an idiot." which was soon covered with "Hillary should be in jail, orange is her new black," covered with "Trump should be in a Zoo, locked in a cage and fed with a stick."

Pretty soon all three shuttles were covered with the most awful insults, slanderous accusations of questionable intelligence and moral bankruptcy. Since this is a family friendly blog we won't go into details. Every surface was covered, windows, delicate electric components, instructional signs all buried under the most atrocious, vile charges of corruption and ineptitude imaginable.

Naturally, we had to scrap the mission until after the election. We will bail for the scientists, engineers and gaffers out of jail, by then we should have the transports cleaned, and ready to go. I just hope we can still get at the wine.

Extraterrestrial Life, now you know.

We, here at Life Explained, are joining the Search for Extra Terrestrial Life (SETI).  This is an exciting field of scientifically advanced organizations in the single minded pursuit of life beyond the borders of comfort, convenience, and probably common sense. We think we will fit right in.  Plus, we figure there might be a nice little check in it for the organization who approaches it with the correct entrepreneurial zeal.

According to Space.com the search is close to fruition.  In the next twenty five years they predict life will be discovered "out there."

It is not really going to be difficult to find extraterrestrial life. We know exactly where they are. We actually know their billing and shipping address. And we have their fax number, email address, and have set up direct deposit with their bank account, it is so much quicker than sending a check across the void, as it were.

In fact we have just completed a very large transaction with a wonderful enterprise on Mars. Here is the most recent email confirmation. We will have the first real Martian Rover. Oh sure, NASA claims to have a Martian Rover, but it is just an old Chevy they tossed up there.

Who is up for a ride when it gets here?

Heading to Mars, do you need a lift?

It seems that Bill Nye, the so called Science Guy, co wrote an article for National Geograpic explaining how a manned mission to Mars was a possibility.  Well, Mr. Nye, the "science guy" let me ask you something.  Why didn't we think of that?  Oh, we did!

In the article Bill, (you don't mind if we call you Bill, do you?) explains the potential vehicle for transport, and the costs involved.  Well, Bill, we would like you to consider using our Uber Mars Ride Sharing program.  We are going, anyway, you might as well save a few bucks, and let us take care of the driving.

That's right, Billy, (you don't mind if we call you Billy, do you?) you can grab a newspaper, and recline in our premium leather seats, and let the kitchen prepare your food, to taste, from our complete menu, including Kosher, low calorie, low carbohydrate, and gluten free choices.

But, why stop there, William (you don't mind if we call you William, do you?)? Join the other passengers in the theater portion of the Uber Rocket to Mars, and enjoy first run movies with Dolby, surround sound, and complimentary buttered popcorn.  Or, head down to the arcade, and compete in one of the many video game tournaments taking place.  There is always something new and exciting while traveling with Life Explained Interplanetary Uber Lifts.

And, Willy, (you don' mind if we call you Willy, do you?) what do you have planned on this visit to Mars? Why not stay in the brand new Life Explained Luxury Hotel and Casino.  Covering three acres of prime Martian real estate this fantastic new hotel is home to the largest casino not located on the planet Earth (we think), an indoor water park, three lounges, two theatres and a indoor race track, in case you want to play the ponies a bit, while visiting the Red Planet, and an RV park, but no one has used that, yet.

So, is the trip to Mars possible?  It sure is.  Is it affordable? With our new reduced rates* you can't afford not to go.  Is it fun? Heck yes! Where do I go to sign up? Email us, or leave a comment on this post, and we will book you on the next flight.  But, you might have to ride with Bill Nye.  Will that be a problem?

A Colony on Mars, Wow, That's Big Time.

It was a great relief when the ship was finally finished.  Man we had been working on it for days.  "We should open a facility on Mars.  How hard would it be to build a interplanetary space ship?"  Dr. Dawg asked, at the Monday Morning production meeting.

Bob, from the commissary dropped his donut, right onto his khaki pants, the chocolate leaving an almost perfect circle halfway between his knee and his hip.  Slowly, almost painfully the donut tumbled onto the grey carpet, chocolate clashing with the delicate maroon pattern.  He sat there, slumped forward in the black padded chair, his mouth wide open, chocolate stained pants, a look of absolute amazement stamped on his face.

Bill, from Research and Development dropped his coffee, a large styrofoam cup from a local convenience store, the logo "Drink Our Coffee, We'll Make Some More" screamed from opposite sides, onto the dark wood top of the table.  It did not take long for the scalding liquid to find its way to the edge.  Forming a dark, steaming waterfall, it poured onto the floor with a noisy splash.  Bil looked crazily, and coffeeless, at Dr. Dawg.

A breakfast burrito fell, with a wet plop, to the floor, salsa, scrambled eggs, shredded sausage, bacon and hashbrowns exploding into a splatter all around "ground zero."  A China plate fell, and shattered, sending sharp, glass like pieces, and syrupy, buttery waffles all over.  A glass of orange juice, and a pitcher of water, a cup of tea, and flask filled with Scotch whisky, smash, crash, splash.  

Soon, Jim from Custodial Services stood up and said, "alright, that's enough.  We are not cleaning this mess."

So, after cleaning the meeting room we built the ship that would take the first batch of colonists to Mars.  Thank goodness we had been saving all of those parts, for all of those years.  Our earliest days as a company were lean and we learned not to waste.  

Tomorrow we start loading the provisions, after we negotiate what those provisions will be, of course.  I hope we pick some donuts, everybody likes those.  We might still have some room, if you're interested.

Methane, oh my that is nice.

NASA reports that the Mars Rover Curiosity discovered a methane source on Mars.  It was very exciting news, though I am not sure why.  Here is the article, describing in great detail, the important discovery.  Methane, WOW.  They feel it is a very important discovery.

We, here at Life Explained (#lifeexplained) offer our most sincere congratulations.  While it is true that we have long held a festering, seething, bitter, rancorous animosity towards the space exploration giant we are so glad they have managed to land a drone on the surface of an alien planet.

Of course, it took a fat wad of cash, enough money to provide us, at Life Explained (#costeffectivespaceexploration) with the means to travel through space, and time, and possibly a couple of dimensions as well.  We are still working out the math on interdimensional time/space travel, so we are not completely certain how much that will cost.  We are certain it will cost a lot less than NASA would charge, though.

That is really the issue we have with NASA, all of the money, while we are selling asteroid chunks, and moon rocks just to scrape by, they have expansive, sumptuous offices in Houston, a huge, technologically advanced launch facility at Cape Canaveral, facilities in California, Tennessee, Louisiana, Delaware, New York, and Maryland, and these are just the ones they admit to.

You can call us stupid, and you can call us paranoid, but don't call us and tell us that the National Space and Aeronautics Administration doesn't have a whole crew of scientists and engineers working on the space ships in Roswell.  Area 51, sure we all know about that one, but what we would like to know is what about Area 1, all the way through Area 50, what about those.  They act like Area 51 is a big secret, and keep us all talking about what is hidden in the cavernous, underground laboratories, and research facilities just to keep us from asking about the first fifty...  Oops, sorry about that.

It wasn't cool like Methane, but we found this on Mars.

Anyway, we would like to congratulate our brothers on the frontier of scientific achievement.  This is an important first step in the exploration of space, a great beginning.  Oh, and by the way if you run across any of our friends on Mars, tell them we will stop and say hello, on our way back to Earth.  Tell them we will bring the pizza.

A change of plans, and possibly destination.

Great News!!!  Gasoline prices have plummeted, they are insanely cheap.  Stopping to fill up on the way to work this morning, the price, after our grocery discount, was almost ridiculous.  Not that we are complaining.

With prices this low it was decided that it was time to move our Space Exploration Initiative schedule ahead a little bit.

We are very excited by this, we have been planning this for months, and sometimes, with the people around here, and all of the annoying, petty, attention to detail ("make sure the rockets are bolted tightly to the side or it could explode," "check the coolant, or it could explode") it has seemed like centuries.  Engineers are really irritating sometimes.

 At first we were going to take off to Mars, it is close, and it gets all of the press.  Who doesn't want to meet a Martian, after all?  But, it has been looked at quite a bit lately.  And you know, if we land there now, NASA will get all whiny, and if Curiosity ever breaks down they will blame us, no matter when it happens.  Man, did they get mad when we took this picture of Professor Dawg.  You can't blame them, really, it would be so difficult to depend on the federal government for your continued existence.  Imagine going before the Houses of Congress, asking for a few bucks, and watching everybody start screaming childishly at each other and then shut down the government.  It would be kind of tough.

Keeping NASA, and all of their problems in mind, and considering how ludicrously, ridiculously inexpensive gas is, we have decided to visit Jupiter instead.

Of course, space travel is incredibly complicated, imagine driving to the store to grab some cervezas and a couple of frozen pizzas (the good kind, maybe Red Stripe, and DiGiornos, as long as you are imagining it might as well be the good stuff, it doesn't cost anymore to imagine big, right?), but the store is moving, so you have to adjust your speed, and direction accordingly.  Now imagine that you were just planning on visiting your neighbor, and all of your formulas and calculations were designed around a trip to the end of the block, and all of the sudden, because you saved so much on gas you decided to take a longer trip to the store, and you have to go quickly before greed, and indifference toward consumers, causes the price of gas to "skyrocket" (a little space exploration humor).  If you just imagined all of that you can see our potential problems.

Considering this, we might be visiting Saturn.  Which would be kind of cool, there are all of those rings, and stuff.  Not to worry, though, we have taken extra snacks, clean clothes, and a few extra cases of bottled water.  It might be difficult to find a convenience store once you get past Mars.

Hey, NASA, great idea, whose was it?

Charles Bolden, NASA chief, recently held a press conference announcing his plans to send a manned mission to mars.  He feels this is the only way to assure the continued existence of humanity. He did not detail his reasons for concern, and we are kind of grateful.  However, we are compiling a list of our own, "Life Explained Threats to the Continued Existence of Humanity, so far we have;

1-Humanity (we are researching an antidote for this affliction)
2-Spiders
3-Invasive Species (including spiders)

But that is not what we are here to talk about today.  We are here to discuss timing, and gratitude.  Readers will probably remember Life Explained advocating this very course of action.

See, we told you it was a good idea.

As is plain to see, either we have very good ideas, well ahead of everybody else, or we have a time machine.  Unfortunately, we are not allowed to disclose that information, contractual obligations, you know?  But, you can thank us later, or earlier, if you have a time machine.

Mars Deserves Better.

It was a leap to the heavens, followed by the inevitable, fatal crash back to reality.  There was a Tweet, a chance at immortality in 140 characters or less, it had been re-tweeted by someone, so there is no way to know how long it had been bouncing around in the "tweet-o-sphere" (OK, there probably is a way, but it would require more effort than someone who has just had his dreams smashed against the jagged, unforgiving rocks of reality should be asked to give).

"Send your name and message to Mars" it said, "Wow, that would be so cool, my name and my message on  Mars.  It took seconds to click on that link.  It was from the University of Colorado, at Boulder, and they are participating in the "Mars Atmosphere and Volatile Evolution Mission" MAVEN for short, of course.  It really is quite a name, and a catchy acronym makes anything more tempting.  An opportunity to send a message and your name to Mars doesn't come up often.  (Let me know if I am wrong about that, please, maybe Mars has so many names and messages it looks like a subway wall, covered in graffiti).

Now for the bad bit, it has to be a haiku.  Honestly, Martians like haiku that much?  Poetry as a form of communication, it seems a little doubtful, but a form of poetry that is potentially 1400 years old, and has so many rules and nuances as to be almost impossible, and doesn't even rhyme, well that just seems silly.  Can Martians really appreciate the imagery that a person needs to cram into 17 syllables.  Well, one can only hope the University of Colorado at Boulder knows what they are asking.

Spending quite a while crafting and editing and re-writing, and just in general nuancing the heck right out of a haiku, at last there was a perfect poem.  Of course, it had to be about Mars, what would Martians know of a;

bird walking on air
with delicate white above
green life waits below

Or anything like that.  It was written and submitted, and then all that needed to be done was wait for the love and gratitude of Martians everywhere, as they sobbed quietly at the beauty of a Martian haiku masterpiece.  "Submit" and wait, and wait, and then go get some coffee, and wait some more.

WHAT?  It didn't upload?!!  Robbery, and now it disappeared!  And, trust this, it was so wonderful it can never be recreated.  Ah, the poor Martians will never know what they missed.

Here is the link if you want to try, but don't get your hopes up.
http://lasp.colorado.edu/maven/goingtomars/