Intelligent Life, Maybe, They Know how to Rock.

Recently several members of the Life Explained Department of Theoretical Exploration were attempting to calculate the odds against intelligent life existing elsewhere in the universe.  Of course, this led to the inevitable debate regarding the lack of intelligent life on Earth.  Which, naturally led to some good natured teasing, a few foolish, harmless slurs, a couple of hurtful, intentionally cruel barbs, a slap, then an uppercut, a knife brandished menacingly, several shots fired wildly, and the custodian bursting into the room and threatening to "bust open a few heads unless all you all stop acting like a bunch of idiots."  At that point everyone stopped, went back to their lunches and acted as though they had some sense.

Dr. Dawg, and I decided to answer the question once and for all.  We configured the Time Machine for deep space travel, and took off for the hippest, happening places in the far reaches of the universe.  We came across a few places that looked promising, but after listening to the radio stations playing nothing but top 40 pop, over and over again, we decided to keep looking.

Flying through the Woodstock Nebula we came across a station playing Before You Accuse Me, the blues influenced rock and roll classic from Credence Clearwater Revival.  By the time they hit the bridge, we were dancing and singing, and making fools of ourselves, in the tiny, cramped cockpit of our recently converted spaceship.  We decided to stop, and have a frosty one with the crazy cats on the planets surface.

And they were great.  The music was being blasted from a small tavern on the outskirts of a huge settlement, called One, it was the first city founded on the planet, and the inhabitants thought that was a good way to keep track of things.

The natives in the bar looked almost human, but not quite, they were a little shorter, kind of pale and seemed to be a little nervous, but who could blame them?  They were hosting a space traveling dog, and his freakishly handsome sidekick (me).

So, we came home, and we can answer, there is beer. I am not sure about intelligent life, but, we probably wouldn't recognize it if it borrowed our car.

Life Explained Bourbon (The first draft of the next 500 posts)

Today was an exciting day, here at Life Explained, we finally discovered how to age bourbon for 8 years in only twenty five minutes. It requires a wooden barrel, a small thermo-nuclear device, a huge building lined with lead, and a used toaster oven. Technically, the toaster oven doesn't have to be used but it is going to be a little messy afterwards, if you can find all the pieces.

Our bourbon is going to be served on Virgin Atlantic space flights, though Mr. Branson doesn't know it yet. We kind of peeked into the future using a microwave oven, an engine from the space shuttle and a digital alarm clock.

Dr. Dawg actually ended up on a flight to Mars, where, before they could drag him to the cargo hold he managed to see a bottle of "Life Explained Flash Bourbon." Right next to the honey roasted peanuts, and ginger ale.

The flight attendants were unimpressed by his credentials as a scientist actively engaged in the
nations defense. Even when he explained that by National Defense he meant weapons of awesome destructive power. They still locked him in a crate between a lizard named Ralph and a sheep dog who was a double agent. He worked for a competing airline thinking about starting discount space flights. Flights where everybody would travel in crates. A lot cheaper but not very comfortable.

Turns out the sheep dog knew it was a stupid idea. He ended up getting a lot of free vacations, and the miles, oh man you can't believe the frequent flyer miles, they were obscene. Eventually the airline just gave him a plane, and he learned to fly it, and is now employed by Life Explained Future Office, in a strictly peaceful capacity. Odd how things work out isn't it?

Tomorrow is a big day, we are starting work on a way to make a martini so dry you need a fork. The work never ends.

A Chance for Immortality.

If you look hard enough you can see the point where the past and the future collide. It is called the present. Since it passes so quickly it is almost impossible to notice. One infinitesimal flash and it is gone. You really have to be on your toes.

What is the point of finding that one time/place/instance where time meets? It is the heart of the universe. Finding that definable instant is the key. Time travel, space travel, unlocking the secrets of matter, creation, the past, the future, all lie just on the other side.

Obviously the company that can find it will be wealthy, powerful, popular and extremely sought after for late night talk shows, and scholarly journals, maybe even the cover of People Magazine. 

We, here at Life Explained, feel we have the best chance of finding that opportunity. Let's face it, our competitors don't even know it exists. They can eat our cosmic, light speed traveling dust, if you catch our drift.

It is expensive though. Extremely expensive. Today's best technology is too primitive, too slow, we need to build our own Ultra High Speed Cameras, and the Worlds Fastest Dual Processor Monster Computers. We need scanners that scan in ways never imagined, we need particle accelerators that accelerate smaller particles faster than anybody ever dreamed, we need a new espresso machine (the last one was demolished in the territorial wars between accounting and legal, covered in next weeks post, "Lessons Learned the Hard Way"). We need things we don't even know we need yet.

We need you, to send us money, as much as you can, and as often as possible. For the person who donates the most we will go back in time and add their face to Mount Rushmore. You want to talk about a great way to impress the in-laws, here it is.

"So, Bob, what do you do for a living?"

"I deliver beer, and my face is on Mount Rushmore."

"Wow, that's cool!"

We take most major credit cards, cash, and bearer bonds of any type, bit coin, and pay pal. 

Thank you, we are forever in your debt, not that we intend to pay you back, that is just being polite.

 

Reserve your spot now, or risk the ridicule.

Lately, we here at Life explained division of Space and Time (LOST) have been trying to find a way to make interstellar space travel a reality. There is some serious cash to be made renting vacation properties on distant worlds, orbiting alien stars, with unique extraterrestrial cuisine. And we like money.

Traveling at light speed is really the only way to make this work. Which is proving somewhat difficult. Not just mechanically, either. But, we will not quit until you are eating microwave food in another galaxy.

Yes, light is very quick, but it is also very light, which makes being fast a lot easier. But, it is not only the weight issue. Einsteins Laws of Relativity prove the speed of light (186,000 miles per second, or 300,000 kilometers a second, or 86 degrees Celsius) is constant and independent of other factors.

Essentially, if you were to take your lamp outside, and turn it on the light would zoom away from you at, well, the speed of light, (186,000 miles a second, 147 kilograms). But, Einstein proved if you were to block off the street, and make sure there was no traffic, and turn on the light, and start running at 186,000 miles a second the minute you flipped the switch light would still move away from you at 186,000 miles a second.

What does this prove? Well, light does not want to be around you, no matter what you do. It isn't you though, it is light. But, more importantly it proves that traveling at the speed of light is going to take a very long street, with the cooperation of a lot of commuters. By the way, that is why I was late this morning, some guy trying to catch up with light, man did he look silly.

Anyway, we are continuing our quest to overcome every obstacle, every roadblock, in the journey to conquer the universe, well not really conquer, more like exploit, well that isn't really right, either, more, well not colonize, as much as... Oh it doesn't matter.

Just start saving some dough, because these vacation packages are going to go quick, and everybody will make fun of you if you don't get one.

A unique opportunity, for a unique person.

OK, it is a pretty big deal to eat lettuce grown in space.  No space trip would be complete without a little extraterrestrial produce. Lettuce is a good start, you know the old hauntingly appropriate, yet oddly specific, saying "you can't make a space salad without growing some lettuce." Truly, our ability to travel to other worlds, visit other planets, and force our views, and systems of beliefs on the poor, hapless inhabitants, who need us to come save them from themselves, depends on food.

But, it is probably going to require a little more substantial than some greens, or in this case "outrageous reds" if we are going to be able to really "help" these poor innocent beings see the light. Or even worse, suppose we get there and there is nobody, and we have to do all of the work ourselves. We are going to need some real food.

Where most people see a problem we, here at Life Explained, see an opportunity. A chance to serve our fellow man, to serve him cheeseburgers, fries and a shake. We are opening a string of intergalactic restaurants for the deep space astronauts sent to "explore" the various worlds. Plus, we will have some wonderful tshirts, baseball hats, and refrigerator magnets. "I went to the outer reaches of the galaxy and all I got was this lousy tshirt, and the best burger of my life, at Bob's House o' Space Burgers."

Of course we will need to get the beef to these locations. We will need some self assured soul who can move some goods to various locations around the galaxy.

Since the times are liable to be considerable, and even space travelers deserve fresh food it would probably be wise to transport the protein substance in an upright position (i.e. standing) until approach. Of course, to keep the feelings of guilt and crushing remorse to a minimum it is best not to name the freight. But, that is your choice.

So, if you are looking for a good job, are a self starter who doesn't mind terrible introspective periods of solitude, and the loneliness and despair that only a solitary trip through deep space can provide, do we have an opening for you.

And don't forget our Interplanetary Food Service Job Fair tomorrow at the Lancaster County Fairgrounds. We will have coffee, donuts, and after you fill out the application you can keep the pen.*


*Offer available to the first 15 applicants only.

A change of plans, and possibly destination.

Great News!!!  Gasoline prices have plummeted, they are insanely cheap.  Stopping to fill up on the way to work this morning, the price, after our grocery discount, was almost ridiculous.  Not that we are complaining.

With prices this low it was decided that it was time to move our Space Exploration Initiative schedule ahead a little bit.

We are very excited by this, we have been planning this for months, and sometimes, with the people around here, and all of the annoying, petty, attention to detail ("make sure the rockets are bolted tightly to the side or it could explode," "check the coolant, or it could explode") it has seemed like centuries.  Engineers are really irritating sometimes.

 At first we were going to take off to Mars, it is close, and it gets all of the press.  Who doesn't want to meet a Martian, after all?  But, it has been looked at quite a bit lately.  And you know, if we land there now, NASA will get all whiny, and if Curiosity ever breaks down they will blame us, no matter when it happens.  Man, did they get mad when we took this picture of Professor Dawg.  You can't blame them, really, it would be so difficult to depend on the federal government for your continued existence.  Imagine going before the Houses of Congress, asking for a few bucks, and watching everybody start screaming childishly at each other and then shut down the government.  It would be kind of tough.

Keeping NASA, and all of their problems in mind, and considering how ludicrously, ridiculously inexpensive gas is, we have decided to visit Jupiter instead.

Of course, space travel is incredibly complicated, imagine driving to the store to grab some cervezas and a couple of frozen pizzas (the good kind, maybe Red Stripe, and DiGiornos, as long as you are imagining it might as well be the good stuff, it doesn't cost anymore to imagine big, right?), but the store is moving, so you have to adjust your speed, and direction accordingly.  Now imagine that you were just planning on visiting your neighbor, and all of your formulas and calculations were designed around a trip to the end of the block, and all of the sudden, because you saved so much on gas you decided to take a longer trip to the store, and you have to go quickly before greed, and indifference toward consumers, causes the price of gas to "skyrocket" (a little space exploration humor).  If you just imagined all of that you can see our potential problems.

Considering this, we might be visiting Saturn.  Which would be kind of cool, there are all of those rings, and stuff.  Not to worry, though, we have taken extra snacks, clean clothes, and a few extra cases of bottled water.  It might be difficult to find a convenience store once you get past Mars.

Not Every Idea is Great, But We Know How to Dine.

Life is a journey, starts here, ends there, and in between forward movement.  That is the biggest problem, only one direction, no options, no choices, no chance to correct mistakes.  Invariably, when traveling people, even the most thorough, and cautious, are going to get lost occasionally. Everybody needs to take a few steps backwards, and choose a different path once in awhile.  Life doesn't give you that chance, mistakes attach themselves, and stay to the end, a tattoo, a battle scar, screaming, "hey look, this guy had a lapse in judgement, go ahead and stare."

For a limited time we, here at Life Explained, are offering select people with the proper credentials (Visa, or Mastercard will work) a chance to go back in time and fix certain mistakes.  Using our soon to be patented, awe inspiring, Time Machine, we can help you go back and "erase" those annoying little errors that are like a blot on your life, "undo" those silly, youthful acts that make you wince while traveling down memory lane.

Do you wish you had never grown those sideburns?  Well, it is too late to do anything about that.  The pictures are all over and if you change something like that it will set off cataclysmic shock waves through time that will destroy the entire planet.

Regret that failed marriage?  You should have thought of that earlier, or listened to your friends.  Even they were smart enough to see how wrong you two were for each other.  How could you miss it?  Not that any of that matters, there is so much time, effort, so many paper products involved in a marriage that if anything like that were changed it would create a "discordance effect" that would destroy the whole galaxy.

Would you like to choose a different major in college?  Sorry, those things are so ingrained into the fabric of of time and space any attempt to alter them would create such a shock the universe would collapse in on itself, crushing everything.

Hate your job, too bad, car run out of gas, sorry about your luck, choose the wrong entree at lunch, well, that is just your problem.  After careful consideration, this is probably not the greatest idea we have ever had.  There are a lot of things that could go wrong, and not an awful lot to gain, that whole risk, return tradeoff blowing up in our face.

Hey, anybody want to grab some lunch, we heard they are opening a new restaurant in the Omega Centauri galaxy, and the happy hours in that part of the universe can't be beat, and Dr. Dawg is buying, unless you have an intergalactic Discover Card.

Immigrants in the work place.

Not to scale.

It has been pretty hectic, here at Life Explained, the last several weeks.  Our efforts to develop the means to colonize mars are starting to bear fruit.  And the Life Explained Time Travel Division is really making progress, and great Italian food, as well.  Things are going surprisingly well considering how the government has cut funding to such vital research.  It is such a shame, it is to the point you can't trust an elected official at all.  Anyway, with all of this work we were in a real bind, staffing wise, and decided it was a good time to add a few people, employment wise.

And, like a gift from the heavens here came several illegal aliens looking for a job.  We called a meeting of the executive council and quickly decided hiring people who just showed up, looking for work, unsolicited was a fantastic bonus.  We wouldn't have to go through all of the "want ad posting, resume reading, interview conducting" turmoil.  It was great!

Not only were we saving some real moolah on ads, but since they were not registered citizens we wouldn't have all of those burdensome tax regulations, and forms, and reporting requirements.  Plus, anybody who had mastered intergalactic travel had to have some serious science chops, right?  Not necessarily.

Turns out they were a bunch of post grad dropouts from the far side of the Milky Way tearing around the universe looking for a little fun.  Unfortunately, they ran low on cash and had to take a temporary job until they had enough to move on down the line. Their ship was powered by a unique fuel, that could be synthesized from mixing Alka Seltzer and carbonated water.  But, it took a lot of each, and it takes a while, and some serious cash to gather that amount.

As scientists they were useless, but they could paint murals that changed with the moods of the rooms inhabitants, which is a handy thing when you work with a bunch of petulant, childish, temperamental egomaniacs who fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.  We should save a bundle in bandages, and antibiotic cream.

Also, with only rum, tequila, gin, seltzer water, cranberry juice and a few drops of the fuel for the space ship they could make the most delightful drink, an Intergalactic Red Devil.  After a few of those the mural in the kitchen would be rainbows, unicorns, and smiling stars.  People would be dancing in time and singing in tune.  Amazingly enough, no one ever had a hangover, at all.  Man, those were good drinks.

They have almost enough fuel for the next stage of their journey, and there is a pall around the top secret Life Explained headquarters.  They were fun, talented and energetic, breathing new life into a stodgy, old atmosphere, and we are going to miss them.  And, no matter how hard they tried to teach us nobody could mix up a Devil like they could, they were truly artists.

Let's hope they wait awhile.

Last night the sky was cloudless, and when I left for work this morning it was still dark, really dark.  The sky was an inky black blue, with thousands of little sparkles flickering everywhere.  If you looked carefully you could almost see the possibilities, but you had to look closely, and kind of quickly, because it was freezing.

There must have been millions of little lights, flashing their lovely little Morse Code messages.  "Hey, you are not alone."  At least I think that is what they were saying, it was too cold to write it down.  "dot, dot, dash, dash, dot."  And my Morse Code decryption skills were never that good, but you are free to try it tonight, and let me know if they are saying something else.  If it is "we are coming to destroy your planet, puny, helpless Earthlings" you don't need to tell me, I would just as soon not know.

But, what if they do come, just drop in to pay a visit, what then?  What will they see?  Honestly, if they travel across the terrible, immense vacuum of space and they show up here what would they think of this place?

"Greetings, good people of Earth, we come in peace."  Will be the message from the heavens.

"Great, welcome to our planet.  Let's set down and talk, as soon as we finish wiping these semi evolved, godless fools from the face of the Earth.  Then we can have a civilized discussion."

Moving on.

"Fantastic, we are so glad you are here.  And we would love to chat with you, as soon as we decide who we should allow into our country, and who we should kick the hell out.  Say, do you have the technology to build a very long fence?"

Meanwhile.

"Oh, it is so nice to see you, we will get together right after we take care of a few small problems involving infidels, and heretics.  You aren't an infidel, are you?"

And, more

"Hey, it is great to see you.  If you would let us finish marginalizing anybody who is different, and imprisoning those whose views are counter to what we accept as normal we can exchange ideas from our two great cultures, and both benefit from this most fortunate experience, I am sure you can learn so much from us.  Aren't you lucky?"

"Uh, thanks, but no."  Will be the next message from the heavens as the aliens throw their space ship in reverse and make haste away from our unfortunate little planet.

"By the way, we are going to bill you for the time and gasoline it took to this backward little planet.  We take most major credit cards, and cash, but don't even think about writing a check."
 Will be the last thing we hear from them until we get the invoice.

I am taking a collection to pay our bill to the aliens, don't hesitate to send a small donation, anything will help.