Life Explained, The People

We, here at the Life Explained Family of Companies, like to think of ourselves as fairly moderate, reasonable people. A group of people who care about the worlds problems, and the welfare of humanity. On the whole we are kind, considerate decent human beings with a lot to offer.

Of course there are exceptions, like that jerk, Robby from Research and Development who always drinks the last cup of coffee, but is too busy to make another pot. A pox on that worthless coffee drinking, leaving the pot empty piece of filth, I hope he loses his hair.

Oh, and I heard that Phyllis and Rolando from Transportation are having a fling, not a romantic relationship, but actually tossing bits of their lunch at each other. Sandwich crusts, yogurt cups, ice from finished drinks, all hurled over the cubicle walls. What a couple of morons, they deserve each other, and a sinus infection.

Don't forget Delores from accounting, and Becky from HR, a two headed, our armed modern day Medusa. If you never have to deal with either of them it doesn't matter, they will seek you out, and try to suck the will to live out of you with an approach of maximum irritation, and unimaginable venom and loathing. I would wish something bad on them, but they terrify me, and everybody else.

And those guys from the laboratory are nothing but a bunch of thin skinned little...

Well, maybe we aren't all such decent people, but hey, I'm a nice guy. If only there were more of me this would be a lot better place.

Another step toward tomorrow.

Last week the company decided to begin using the new accounting software.  As explained in a previous post the former accounting system was actually used by one of the early Chinese Dynasties, I believe it was the Song Dynasty and at the time they felt it "cumbersome, antiquated, with an unfriendly, difficult interface."  They hired a consultant from the Mongol Steppes, named Genghis Khan to help them learn the architecture and abilities of the system.  He became so frustrated he conquered all of the world, or at least the parts he could reach on horse back.

Anyway, it was clearly time for a change, and our software, and accounting people researched many different systems, exploring all of the possibilities, and carefully comparing the benefits, and features, and then decided to purchase the least expensive package, the "1,2,C Platform" from Bob's House o' Good Accounting Software.  Motto, "If price is your only concern, buy from Bob."

They spent weeks installing the new software on the computers, and training the staff in the use of the many features, and functions.  Finally it was time.  Last week "the balloon went up." 

It is an inspirational sight to see a group of people facing a difficult situation, struggling against common odds, and a mutual enemy, and turning on each other like a pack of rabid wolverines.  

There is no mistake so bad that it cannot be ameliorated, somewhat, by blaming someone else, venomously, hatefully, with threats of violence.

"Hey, Jill, I think you entered that product code incorrectly.  The name should always have a space before the lot number, and the edition size should go in user definable field 3."

Grasping a cheap retractable pen in a "modified saber, knife fighting grip" Jill steps closer, while rasping "that's the way Geoff told me to enter all of the products that are being made available in the fall line, that rat ba$tard, @!#$$ of a @$#@#@$, he can ki$$ my a$$, and so can you!"  

"OK, that's good." you scream, while moving quickly to the men's room, hoping she is not angry enough to follow you in there.

Shortly after any change as difficult and important as a major software update waves of nostalgia will sweep through the office.  People will begin to dress in black, and wipe away tears while discussing the many, almost uncountable, advantages of the old way, while leaving hateful, anonymous post it notes everywhere.  "Next time you fall asleep at your desk I will cut your throat." or "Do you know where your cat is?" maybe "I ate your lunch, sorry about that, but it was delicious."  Ok, that last one happens all the time around here, and has forced many of us to bring crappy lunches.

It is the Life Explained Office Update 2 Part grieving process, untrammeled anger, grief and untrammeled anger.

Soon this will pass, and everybody will be back to their normal, lunch stealing selves.  Progress, in all of its jackbooted glory, marches on, and if you are lucky it will not trample you.

new software, and ice cream.

We are in the process of upgrading our accounting software at work.  After a lot of hand wringing, turmoil, finger pointing, name calling, and a few very entertaining fist fights in the hallways, stairwells, and break rooms they have decided to go with a  Microsoft product.  It has a Windows based architecture, and most of us are familiar with that program, so it made sense.

Our old software was based on the Abacus, not the operating system, the wooden frame with the little beads that run up and down little dowels.  Every time we hired someone new we would need to bring in a consultant to show how to use the Abacus.  And that was starting to run into some money since hardly any one, anywhere in the world knows how to add anything on one of those things, and if you start going too fast not only will your calculations suffer you could easily lose a finger nail, and with the cost of a decent manicure hovering right around, well I don't really know how much it costs, but my friend Brian said it is probably around $40.00, and maybe more, depending on the additional items chosen, and I trust Brian, he used to work in the "beauty field."

But, it was kind of fun on busy days watching our customer service people whipping those little beads up and down, while they were talking on the phone, and the noise was incredible, voices and singing beads raising a chorus of sales success to the heavens, the memory still brings a smile.  And it was one of the main reasons we never upgraded to the "slide rule" version, it was just not the same.

With any beginning there are skeptics, and this is no different, a faction of our accounting department (the ne'er-do-wells in accounts receivable) has revolted, taking over the 6th floor break room, the one with the soft serve machine.  We are mobilizing the custodial staff with a contingent from the legal department and several units from R and D to form into a double pincer movement to restore order and recapture the ice cream.

All in all, though, we feel we should be able to have this change completely implemented by the end of the month, with minimal loss of life, and little damage to the espresso machine, man, we love that machine.

Oh The Joys of Spring, and Tax Preparation.

Tax season is here, and we here at Life Explained want you to get every cent you can.  So, we are offering our Tax Preparedness Preparation Course, free of charge.  We know you work hard for your money...  OK, we know you work for your money...  Alright, we know you get money on a schedule for your unique ability to not make things worse, too much, and you want to keep all of the money you can.  Let some other sucker pay for Congress, and the National Parks, you need your money.  With that in mind here are some "Non-Standard" deductions that many alleged tax return preparation professionals will miss.

1.) Don't forget to claim your beer expenses.  It is a medical necessity, an antidote to stress, and the trials of everyday life.  If your doctor will not endorse the necessary forms that is fine, we have a staff of doctors in house who will gladly write the "beer prescription" for you.

2.) Those late night trips to the Taco Hut, and Burger Heaven are charitable donations.  How else are these businesses going to stay open until 2:00 in the morning without some brave, kind soul rushing in to order the Belt Busting Behemoth Burrito, with extra Sour Cream, or the Heapin' Helpin' O' Heaviness Burger, with Secret Cheese Like Sauce.  And, if they didn't stay open until 2:00 every morning, how would the dedicated professionals manning the register, grill and drive through window replace that income.  You are almost a hero.

3.) A lot of people overlook the clothing deduction.  You need clothes to work, and they can be expensive.  Just try showing up for work in your pajamas, or your swimsuit, and soon the legitimacy of the clothing deduction becomes obvious.  And, as far as the IRS is concerned swim wear, and pajamas, are clothes.

Tune in tomorrow when we discuss the best tax sheltered retirement accounts that you can start with the change from your couch.

Don't fret tax season, we are here to help, it is not a difficult process, one even we can understand.  And, in the unlikely case you are audited, we have daily flights to many countries that don't extradite.  With an inflight refreshments, including a small, small drink, and free peanuts, at least 10 but not more than 15.