Who won the debate, It was me.

Everybody knows I am not very politically involved. I know people who are and they are always pretty bitter. From what I have seen the choice of elected officials is almost wholly unrelated to the life of the average person. Probably to those above average, or even those who fall below the "average" mark.

Politicians are almost universally repugnant, and in my opinion, are the standard bearers for "the below average crowd." I don't think they are evil, or ignorant, but they have something, some genetic defect, some mental aberration causing them to seek the spotlight, and take abuse and criticism all while knowing they are powerless to change anything. Moreover, they are willing to say almost anything to for the privilege.

Obviously, I don't often watch the debates. Last night I made the mistake of changing to the program. It was a "town hall" style debate  where the "moderators" could pretend that people had asked questions, and the candidates are given two minutes to answer. It is addictive, once you tune in you cannot look away.

After watching for a while I was struck by one overriding, powerful concern. How can two minutes last that long? It took forever! Bob Dylan's famous line came to mind, "the next sixty seconds could be like an eternity."

"Madam Secretary, we have a question from a D. Trump. He would like to know how you intend to email ISIS out of existence?"

"Good question, I would like to get to the bottom of this once and for ever..." and forty five minutes later she is still talking about Putin, hackers, and presidential demeanor.

"Mr. Trump, we have a question from a B. Clinton, and he would like to know about your tax returns for the past 10 years?"

"I would bomb ISIS, and anybody else, anywhere, Let me tell you something, something big, something important about ISIS, it was Obama, and Al Gore who created the Climate Change Myth, so they could invest in China, who created ISIS to buy Chinese goods..." and it went on and on.

Two questions later, my coffee maker (set for 4:45 AM) started brewing the life giving elixir. My wife got up and said, "so, what did you learn?"

"I don't know, but I have a great idea for sci-fi movie. It just came to me, about 3:00 this morning." It is getting kind of fuzzy now, I probably should have written it down. No worries, there is another debate coming.

A Journey, A Discovery

Last night was the presidential debate. I didn't watch it. Having spent the better part of the day driving back from the glorious Smoky Mountains in Eastern Tennessee the thought of watching these two candidates try to claim they could be president was more than I could handle.

Our drive was painless, quick and uneventful. Mostly thanks to the Interstate Highway System that slices across our country.  During a business management class in college an instructor claimed that it was the "defense grid." Designed mostly to rush troops and material to the coasts. A theory that makes sense looking at the times. Though it matters very little why they were initially built. They are wonderful ways to travel.

It was such an amazing accomplishment, such a marvel of engineering, and determination. When you view this feat and think of the state of our nation today you can't help be saddened by the loss. Driving under rusting, crumbling overpasses, through neglected stretches of buckling, failing highways it is impossible not to feel some shame. We have lost our ability to achieve. We elect the people most accomplished at pointing fingers and placing blame.

Little regard is given to lofty ideals, and dreams. In fact, candidates are loathe to make any declarations of intended achievements. There are too many people who are willing to say it will never work.

I am a liberal, mostly because the lies they tell while campaigning more closely match the way I feel governments should behave. But to drive a country this far into despair this quickly takes both parties. It takes two party inertia, and an ability to neglect any sense of responsibility to the people served to fall this far this quickly.

So, skipping the debate, and watching reruns made more sense. I may do the same for the election.

The Future is Here.

Today in History, a List

It is time to look at the day ahead. The best way to do that is to look back. So on this day in history;

Today was the first of the televised Kennedy vs. Nixon debates. Kennedy was declared the winner by technical knock out. Many people felt Kennedy was much more comfortable in front of the camera, and was willing to wear makeup, while Nixon was a little pasty, sweaty and a lot like most Americans would be in front of a national televised audience. Proving that we don't want somebody like a normal American to be in charge, substance is secondary to appearance, and there is no point in saying anything profound unless you do it attractively.*

Francis Drake returns to England after sailing around the world, officially "circumnavigating the globe." He was the first British navigator to sail the globe. He set off on December 13th, 1577 with five ships, officially he was going to raid Spanish holdings in the new world, but a series of storms made a mess of things, and he wound up in San Francisco Bay and claimed the territory property of the Queen. The Forty Niners, and the Giants were furious, fearing that they were going to have to learn soccer (football, to Drake). But, the games were allowed to continue, and everybody was happy, even the Queen.** 

The Bill of Rights was ratified by the First Congress, and sent to the states for approval which is important, too.

The Brady Bunch premiered on television which is not important.

The first American soldier was killed in Vietnam, in 1945, that really surprised me.

A lot of other things happened, too, but this is enough for one post. Besides, I need more coffee.

*Here, I should add the disclaimer, I am a liberal democrat, not because I trust democrats any more than I trust republicans, only because I like the sound of being liberal more than conservative. And image is everything.

**I should mention that sailing is often called the "worst way to travel that doesn't use an airplane." At least on this blog. 

It is close, man, real close.

I would like to remind everybody of the huge showdown this weekend. +Mike Raven of the painfully good Blog of Thog and I will be deciding once and for all, in no uncertain terms, unequivocally, beyond a shadow of a doubt which brand of government is superior. UK with a Prime Minister, House of Lords, and House of Commons, or the US with a President and Houses of Congress.

This is not going to be easy, because I don't really have a lot of faith in governments of any kind. It is not the government that is troubling, it is the people that worry me. Historically, when given a little power people let it go their head, and the next thing you know all hell is breaking loose.

Plus, I like the UK, there are a lot of great things that have come from the Island Nation. Coleridge, Shakespeare, Dickens, The Clash, The Kinks, The Beatles are just a few. There is nothing bad between Great Britain and Life Explained.

I even tried to spell color with a U (colour), because it seemed all British, and cool. Siri kept correcting it, though. I said "Siri, I want to spell color with a U." She said, "we're not doing that, Tim." Dangit,  I can't have anything.

The Coveted Best of the Worst Cup

But, the debate goes on, and I am armed with twenty or so presidential candidates, and a conviction that out of all the governments in the world ours (here in the good ol' US) is probably not the worst.

That's right, Mike, we are not the worst. In fact, we might be the least bad! I am here to say, with pride and conviction, that our government might be the best kind of awful, are you ready to deal with that.

More Political News, Good News for a change.

It is Sunday, a day of rest, unless you are very busy, and I am. First I would like to announce the newest, greatest, most believable, (let's hope that doesn't sink him) candidate for the 2020 Presidential Election. +Christian Touchet has decided to take time our of his busy schedule to save the country from self immolation.

He is going to use "logic" something new and untried in Washington. It might be political suicide, but it might be salvation. It has to do with common sense, and a certain amount of balance. This is a radical departure from the norm. If nothing else it will be a nice change from the current system of everybody saying the same thing. Yes, they all use different words, but in the end they all have the same message, which is "vote for me, I am the least worst of all these guys, and I won't mess things up, too much."

There is no word, yet, on where you can donate to his Super PAC, but if you want to send your donations to the Life Explained Accounting Department we will make sure it gets to the right place.
Eventually.

In further Presidential News, +Mike Raven has thrown down the gauntlet yet again, (technically it wasn't so much a throwing down of a gauntlet, whatever that is, as much as a mutual agreement, if governments would blog the world would be a happier place) challenging me, and all of us at Life Explained to a trans Atlantic debate regarding the respective governments of Great Britain and the United States.

 And, he even insulted my dog (technically he isn't my dog, he belongs to the people for whom I work, my wife has gone so far as to suggest I am his human sidekick, and +Jeremy Crow actually claimed he was the real brains behind the whole operation), so this has become personal.

Two weeks from yesterday I will show the world why having a President, and Houses of Congress is the ultimate form of government, kind of. I am not sure I can pull this off, because honestly I don't think much of our government. But, when fact fails we always rely on fiction, and that has always worked for the politicians, right?

But we can't do it alone, everybody should post something praising their favorite, or ideal government. It is your duty. Yes, I said duty.

Please pay careful attention to the coming debate there will be a quiz, and it will featured prominently on the midterm... Oops, sorry about that the new school year always confuses us.

Last Night, the Application Process Begins.

Since it is almost the weekend, and there are so many things going on we will make this brief. Today is not the time to find fault with the 10 candidates who were driven like cattle into Cleveland, and forced to confront their most profound insecurities last night.

Who among us has not been looking for a job in a cutthroat world of potential employees? We should take pity on these poor, lost souls who want nothing more than to earn a living an provide for their family. 

In many ways it saddens us, here at Life Explained, that with the popularity of "American Idol," "America's Got Talent," and others, that finding a decent job has turned into such a gladiatorial contest. Each potential associate having to defend a record of employment, and service, in front of a panel of indifferent, callous human resource personnel.

Imagine trying to land a job as a grocery bagger with the other applicants making snide comments about your oafish appearance, and the likelihood of you klutzing a whole container of cottage cheese onto the floor, watching it burst open, and make an awful mess, right in the middle of the rush for Thanksgiving. That would be awful. Who among us could handle that kind of pressure?

Oh, well that makes more sense. We really liked that guy with the hair, he could bag our groceries any time.

Another Disaster in the Midwest.

Presidential election rhetoric is heating up, and the news cycles are shortening.  It is an exciting, exhilarating phenomenon.  An anthropological dream.  If history has taught us anything (for the most part, it hasn't, but we will be exploring that in detail, later, on another blog) it is that this is the precursor, an introduction to the real devastation.

Typically, the tremors start to be felt in Iowa.  Already the politicians are sending in reconnaissance forces, to occupy key facilities, and spread misinformation, and propaganda.  

Iowa is ground zero for this disaster.  This wide, sparsely populated state of rolling hills, farmland and windmills, always seems to invite the wrath of these political monsters.  With a quiet dignity, born of hard work and toil, they don't complain.

A caucus is not like a primary, it is a gathering of people who decide what to have for dinner, normally a sandwich, like a hamburger, only instead of a patty it is just a pile of fried ground beef heaped on a bun, wrapped snugly in wax paper, and served hot.   Iowans (people from Iowa) love these things.   

Facing difficult odds with grim determination is part of their heritage, and this sandwich is a lesson in the trials of life.   Picking up the sandwich, take a bite, and watch most of the contents slide into their lap, leaving a nasty stain, and possibly second degree burns.    Without complaint, and with a silent, fatalistic acceptance they eat their "loose meat" sandwiches, have their drink, and then get to the business of "caucusing."  Serious business, indeed.  

Instead of voting, they discuss, and talk, and debate the relative merits of the various candidates, and then they vote, either by writing their choice on a scrap of paper, perhaps a sandwich wrapper, after brushing all of the loose hamburger onto a plate.  Or, by standing in a group.  

After the count is tallied, they have Blue Bunny ice cream (from LeMars, the Ice Cream Capital of the World, we recommend the "Bunny Tracks" it is, without a doubt, the ice cream of the gods).  No, not really, that would be too simple, tasty and cooperative for  presidential politics.  They start negotiating, and changing sides, and bickering, and arguing, and it can get pretty heated, not unlike a family reunion, only not so likely to end in a fist fight.  

Soon, people are unconcerned with who they vote for, and just want to go home, it is Iowa in January, and the temperature outside is approaching too cold for description, and they have to go to work tomorrow, and the election is a not for quite some time.  Most of them would vote for anybody if the guy in the front of the room would just stop talking, and let them go home.  

The next day, all of the cameras, and news people, and candidates will pack up their stuff, and drive to New Hampshire, and the business of being an Iowan can be resumed.  Of course, the rest of the nation is bracing for impact, preparing halls for the coming invasion, and laying in supplies for the eventual siege, no one is safe.

This message was bought to you by Life Explained, and the Citizens United for Political Sanity (actually "citizens united" is a little generous, there is only one right now, if you would like to join just add your alias in comments, don't use your real name, "political sanity" will definitely get you in trouble).

Primary Preseason, Where Candidates are Made.

Our internal Presidential Primary is starting to heat up, a little.  Things are mostly civil, but tension is rising, and tempers are, perhaps, a little short.  But, there are moments, terrible, frightening moments where the worst of man, the politician in our otherwise humane and decent employees rises takes control.

Yesterday in the kitchen was one of those moments.  Roberta and Bob, from payroll, were both getting a midmorning pick me up.  Bob was getting a latte, extra foam with shaved chocolate, and caramel.  Roberta was grabbing a banana, strawberry smoothie with crushed pineapple, cream, and whipped topping.

"Hey, it sure is a nice morning, don't you think.  It would be a great day to cut the taxes on the nations largest international conglomerates, to help them generate jobs, wouldn't it?"  Bob asked, looking out the window, admiring the bright sun glinting off the frost covered roofs.  An aroma of espresso, and hot chocolate made him smile.

"It is a beautiful day, Bob," Roberta agreed, looking into the cut crystal goblet holding her frosty drink, she could almost taste the smell of the fresh banana and strawberry, it was intoxicating.  "But, we should probably use the bright light to offer a ray of hope to the poor immigrants who are waiting in limbo, wondering what will become of them."

"It is typical, left wing, bleeding heart crap.  They came to this country illegally, which makes them criminals.  We should deport them, and give those jobs to Americans."

"Yes, Americans are lining up to take jobs, mowing lawns, working in picking onions, and peaches.  Our country is stronger when we welcome those trying to build a new life."

An impromptu debate, this was great.  People were starting to gather around, a circle of spectators waiting for a vigorous exchange of ideas.

For the next several minutes the debate raged, both candidates expressing cognizant theories on the best way to ensure American survival for four more years.  Of course the longer the debate went on, with neither side willing to budge from their position, the more venomous it became.  Soon it was reduced to accusations, and name calling.

Bob scoffed, then added., "whiny little democrat, you will ruin this country.  Wimp"  He turned, and began to shadow box in the mirror like polish of the stainless steel refrigerator.

When he started the Ali Shuffle, and asked his reflection "who's the man?"  Roberta had had enough, and rammed him with her motorized wheel chair.  Bob's knees buckled, and he started to collapse, whimpering,
he was in obvious pain.  Roberta hammered him in the temple with her insulin pump, as he crumpled to the floor.

You could barely hear him say "I withdraw my candidacy for President of the United States."  As Roberta used her oxygen hose to strangle him to unconsciousness.

We really thought Bob was going to have a chance, too, until the concussion.  Well, there are more candidates, more debates, the cycle is really only beginning.  Stay tuned, and don't forget to vote.

Politics the American Way

Some people despise political ads, finding them too vicious, too mean, and too degrading. Politics is a dirty business, and you have to be tough to survive. At the same time, reality based television is still popular, sporting events draw large crowds, and shows using voting audiences to decide the results of competitions still have large followings of devoted fans. As an organization with a dedicated, vested interest in seeing the right people in office it is our civic duty, here at Life Explained, to devise a plan using the best of all of these, (am mash-up if you will, or a hash-up for those of you in the culinary arts) into a failsafe, foolproof system that will guarantee the continued operation of the United States© and the American Dream™.

Bil, our longtime friend, and valued coworker, participated in chess boxing for a time (he retired undefeated, by the way, having played a few games of "Chess with Friends" against him, we can say he must be a very good boxer). This is a unique blend of the mental and physical arts, wherein the competitors play a game of chess between rounds of a boxing match. One of the ways to win is checkmate, of course, but it is unclear if the boxing portion has any effect on the outcome, other than decreasing the ability of your opponent to formulate and execute a winning strategy through repeated blows to the head. It is, probably, safe to say a knockout would count as a win, but we could not ask Bil if there were any other scoring during the boxing, he was on vacation for the week. So, for five days he was not such a valued coworker after all. We will get some answers to these pressing questions on Monday.

Political debates have become, more or less, symbolic of the problems that face our democracy today. They do not really express anything, only reinforcing the beliefs of the faithful. Without fail, both candidates will walk away claiming victory, and the parties will dogmatically drive home the points they feel best represent their nominees stunning, crushing success. Any undecided voter will quickly lose sight of the things they felt were important, and be buried under the claims of the television analysts. It is safe to say that most of the people watching already know how they are going to vote, and the rest are tired of the wasted breath, and empty rhetoric.

But, we here at Life Explained have a plan to change that! "The Life Explained Boxing Debate©" brought to you by (we are still looking for corporate sponsors, here is your chance to hit it big). Candidates will debate the important issues of the day, and at the bell, they will box for two minutes. People will log on and vote for who they think is doing the best job.

 Of course, nobody wants to elect a candidate just on his ability to pummel an opponent without mercy, at the same time the country needs a father, a man who can carry his own stuff, a salt of the Earth type. A guy who has your back when things get tough. That is why people can vote on both the debate, and boxing components.

There will still be a moderator, but there will also be an announcer, and a commentator, and a ring girl, corner men, and fight doctors, and ring side seats filled with wealthy people dressed in clothing that adequately describes their worth. Girls in skimpy costumes parading around the ring between rounds. Concession revenues, and scalpers selling tickets outside the doors, gambling, and all of those great American symbols of freedom, and success. People will be excited to vote again.

America will be saved, the economy will be boosted, and we might start electing presidents every year.

 
We, here at Life Explained would like to add the following disclaimer, "we have nothing against girls, and sincerely believe that many girls can punch with enough force to run for political office, at any level. So please don't email your indignation, and please don't punch us. It was just a joke."