To Teachers Everywhere, and anybody else who cares.

I have a friend, (yes, I have friends) who is a teacher (yes, I have friends who are teachers), and is retiring.  She said she is not going to miss it very much, but she would miss "what it used to be."   She did not elaborate, and I did not pursue the reason.  Now, I wish I had.  There are many things going wrong in the world today, and I think most of them could be solved by education.

Anybody who has known me for a while understands the strained relationship I had with teachers.  It was not a happy friendship, and to this day teachers terrify me, even my sons teachers give me chills.  Honestly, though, it was probably not the teachers who were at the root of the problem.  Mostly, they seemed to care much more than I did.  I should take this opportunity to apologize to my former teachers.

Education is so important, and teachers have spent years learning to teach.  Most of them are kind, patient, dedicated people trying to do a difficult job, sometimes against overwhelming odds. Bickering boards of education, hostile administrators, and apathetic, or aggressive parents, who have imbued their children with a sense of entitlement are a constant road block.  And yet they struggle on, hoping some small amount of learning will take root, and grow.

Of course, there is nothing so bad that government can not make it worse.  And, we are visited by the specter of standardized tests.  So, if a student is not equipped to pass the test he will not be able to graduate.  Again, I don't know a lot of teachers, but those I have become comfortable enough to talk to about this say they have to spend an inordinate amount of time teaching the kids who are unable to pass, for any number of reasons, how to pass the tests.  Our elected officials have decided that kids who need extra help should receive extra help.  A noble sentiment, indeed, but without subsidizing the expense of extra time teaching these kids they need to spend more classroom time teaching the basic skills needed to pass.

This leaves the kids who are able to pass the tests at the mercy of those who can't.  It is a sad reality
that the schools have no choice but to make this their burden.  State and Federal funding is tied so closely to these benchmarks that schools can not afford stragglers.  It is not difficult to say that using these tests has not really improved education in the US, and may have actually made it worse.

Further, it is not much of a stretch to say that the schools most in need of improvement, those in poor neighborhoods will get the least help.  Wealthy, suburban schools keep improving and it keeps bringing the accolades and the money, while impoverished neighborhoods fall farther behind.  Their seems to be an imbalance, and it is almost sinful.

Private, for profit schools are not a panacea, either, unless you happen to be a shareholder in one. They make grand promises, and take tons of cash, mostly from the poor schools who don't have the means to make enough noise in government chambers to keep the legal piracy from taking place.

So, the pool of money remains roughly static, and the people trying to take some out grows, often from the districts and buildings the most desperate. And often as a boon to people whose real interest is making money and have no real care for educating children. Then I hear them talk about this wonderful land of opportunity where everybody has an equal chance. I laugh because it keeps me from crying.

A Tunnel, and A Mystery.

Recently we were on vacation. We went to Holden Beach NC. A delightful little village right on the ocean. It is wonderful, or would be if it weren't for the heat, and humidity. And the ocean, which would be wonderful, if it weren't for all the salt, and predators, and sand. I am still covered with the stuff. Four days, and I can still feel the sand when I blink, grinding away. I know it got into my system and is eroding my joints with each step. Every drink of coffee and my elbows get weaker. It is pervasive, and permanent.

But, that isn't even the weird part. Here is the weird part, if you are keeping score. On the way back we were on Interstate 77 cruising through Virginia, A lovely state about halfway between Columbus and Holden Beach, if you are scoring the trip at home. And we hit a traffic jam. Two lanes of freeway, packed full of cars going 20 miles an hour.

Why, in the middle of this mountainous, forested area, was traffic so heavy? It was perplexing, and a little frustrating to a person baked red by the fierce North Carolina sun, and dripping sand with each movement. We limped along, stop and go, and stop some more.

And if you think that is strange, and I did, here is where it gets really odd. We hit a the Big Walker Mountain Tunnel carved out of the bottom of a big hill, or mountain, I am not sure where the line divides. We cruise through the long tunnel. Splashing out into the sunlight on the other end.

Here is where it gets strange. Traffic is light, and we speed along. What happened under that mountain that changed reality so much? What happened to almost half the cars that went into that tunnel? Where did they go?

It might be aliens, in Virginia, snapping up travelers. It might be the government, but I kind of doubt our government could manage such an elaborate plan and keep the details hidden. It might be a natural occurrence, magnetic fields creating a worm hole that rockets random cars driving under Big Walker Mountain into deep space. Whatever it is it made the trip easier.

So, if you are traveling that way, keep an eye on the cars around you, and let me know if you see anything suspicious.

More Political News, Good News for a change.

It is Sunday, a day of rest, unless you are very busy, and I am. First I would like to announce the newest, greatest, most believable, (let's hope that doesn't sink him) candidate for the 2020 Presidential Election. +Christian Touchet has decided to take time our of his busy schedule to save the country from self immolation.

He is going to use "logic" something new and untried in Washington. It might be political suicide, but it might be salvation. It has to do with common sense, and a certain amount of balance. This is a radical departure from the norm. If nothing else it will be a nice change from the current system of everybody saying the same thing. Yes, they all use different words, but in the end they all have the same message, which is "vote for me, I am the least worst of all these guys, and I won't mess things up, too much."

There is no word, yet, on where you can donate to his Super PAC, but if you want to send your donations to the Life Explained Accounting Department we will make sure it gets to the right place.
Eventually.

In further Presidential News, +Mike Raven has thrown down the gauntlet yet again, (technically it wasn't so much a throwing down of a gauntlet, whatever that is, as much as a mutual agreement, if governments would blog the world would be a happier place) challenging me, and all of us at Life Explained to a trans Atlantic debate regarding the respective governments of Great Britain and the United States.

 And, he even insulted my dog (technically he isn't my dog, he belongs to the people for whom I work, my wife has gone so far as to suggest I am his human sidekick, and +Jeremy Crow actually claimed he was the real brains behind the whole operation), so this has become personal.

Two weeks from yesterday I will show the world why having a President, and Houses of Congress is the ultimate form of government, kind of. I am not sure I can pull this off, because honestly I don't think much of our government. But, when fact fails we always rely on fiction, and that has always worked for the politicians, right?

But we can't do it alone, everybody should post something praising their favorite, or ideal government. It is your duty. Yes, I said duty.

Please pay careful attention to the coming debate there will be a quiz, and it will featured prominently on the midterm... Oops, sorry about that the new school year always confuses us.

Action, Louder

When I young the US government seemed a terrifying, monstrous thing. Filled with unscrupulous, shady characters making backroom deals. Hammering away, night and day. A constant, inexorable, boundless shadow, casting a pall over the country. Caring little for the lives of individuals, sacrificing constituency for personal gain, and occasionally progress. Now, though, it seems less Kafka, and more Keystone Kops.

It is, somewhat, a delightful relief.  Imagine being certain your every move was being analyzed, and recorded. Motives dissected, examined, and quantified, every action a point on a line chart, imposed over the backdrop of expectations, who wants that kind of scrutiny.  Then, picture discovering the organization that you assumed was able to watch your every move is a giant clown mini van, filled with tired, bickering, U7 soccer players after a long day baking under the summer sun.  Tired, cranky, demanding children who have no desire or motive save misbehaving.

Recently, I read of a freshman senator penning a letter to the Ayatollah Khamenei. In this letter he told the leader of this country that he and his fellow senators would not ratify any treaty signed and approved by the President, the Leader of Iran, and the allies and other negotiating parties, and at the very least were going to modify the agreement. Saying, in effect, the International Community who has worked to come to an agreement should have talked to them first.

Certainly, this is not questioning the sincerity, or authenticity of concern. There are many questions that need answered, and everybody who has a stake in seeing the world become a safer place has the right to know. But, it does seem a little demanding, petulant, cranky.

It does raise a very good question, too. Why not get the houses of congress involved, they have done such a remarkable job improving the conditions in America, after all.  They are so good at compromise, and deal making.  If you have any doubts just look at their recent record, stellar, they should be involved in everything.

We are coming after you.

Why stop there, though?  We should all have a say in these things.  We are officially announcing the Life Explained World Improvement Initiative (LEWII, we are the Kingsmen when you need them?).  We are banding together and starting a letter writing campaign to the heads of foreign governments, large corporations, television officials, movie producers, game designers, actors, anybody, anywhere, that grates on our nerves, putting them on notice that their behavior will no longer be tolerated.  We don't (collectively) like the cut of their jib (cumulatively).

We are also thinking of starting a Facebook page, a Twitter page, a Tumblr, a blog, and a YouTube channel (mostly because we have to find a use for that $6.00 or $7.00 app (we can not remember for sure) before someones wife finds out how much it cost).*

If lines are not toed, t's are not crossed, i's are not dotted, in a way of which we approve, we will retaliate in awesome, terrible ways.  The world will feel our wrath, and tremble before our might, we will have our say. And maybe somebody elses say, as well, we have a lot of rage, and very little to be too angry about, so if you have a complaint, let us handle it for you.  Just email us at tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com, and somebody will be sorry, the first one is free.

*We are still working on Life Explained, the Movie.  It is a big production, and it will take some time. Don't despair, at least until you watch it.

Your Government, a Work in Progress, well maybe progress, and work, are not the right words.

Ben Affleck mentioned Batman while appearing before the Senate Appropriations Subcommittee.  People seemed surprised that he would, with such ease, drop the caped crusaders name while testifying before congress.  Perhaps, they were worried he would dilute the Dark Knight’s brand by discussing the franchise in such a hostile, divisive, unproductive place.

No one seems too surprised that Ben Affleck, an actor, was testifying before the Senate Appropriations Subcommittee on State, Foreign Operations and Related Programs.  Or, that he mentioned Batman to Vermont senator Patrick Leahy, who is such a big fan of the movie series he has managed to land a few bit parts in several of the films, and, will be appearing with Affleck in “Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.”

No one seemed surprised the Patrick Leahy was using his influence as a congressperson to land a bit part in an action film.  At least, being an elected official would leave plenty of time to pursue an acting career.  Imagine the thrill when the first member of congress receives an Oscar, it will probably not be for any sort of "best supporting" role.

Turns out Affleck founded the “Eastern Congo Initiative” and advocacy group focused on helping communities in Eastern Congo.  There is no formal explanation of the nature of his testimony.  One can only assume he was attempting to marshal support for his cause.

Maybe, though, he was there to familiarize himself with the “workings” of congress, for a future role.  Maybe, that role is elected federal official. 

And, just maybe, that is not a role.  Maybe, noticing the success Senator Leahy has had glad handing his way into Mr. Affleck’s world of fictional characters performing impossible feats of unbelievable daring, and bravado, the Academy Award winning actor feels it is a street that runs both directions. 

Patrick Leahy as the new Robin, and Ben Affleck as the new Chairman of the Ways and Means Committee.  

“Holy Crap, Batman, H. R. 4457 will provide much-needed certainty for beer distributors and their small brewer partners, as well as incentivizing investment, and job growth, we need to act fast.”

Super heroes for congress, somebody should have thought of this a long time ago.  You can thank us later.

New Spending Bill,

Things are starting to break loose in the houses of Congress.  Years of gridlock have taken a toll on the American public, and the attitude toward the nations capitol was turning sour.  Mistrust, and disbelief were becoming the norm.

It was a helpless, feeling of dreadful impotence watching the elected officials who were supposed to be guiding the country through stormy, dangerous times.  With an economy that was languishing in the early stages of recovery, and the world slowly slowly setting itself on fire, America watched with hopeless despair as Washington bickered from one congressional recess to the next.

Now, there seems to be some movement, a slow fracture appearing in the stonewall that had been built over the last several years.

A spending bill has been written and approved.  The nation rejoices, a spending bill, a government shutdown has been averted, and the noose seems to be loosening slightly.  Oh, sure, there is a lot of work to be done, but progress is progress.

Included in the spending bill are provisions to reduce funding for the IRS to punish them for indiscretions involving tax exempt political organizations.  Previously, the IRS was free to indulge in inquisition style audits, and that was alright, private citizens are not really that important.

Wall Street got an early Christmas present, in the form of reduced regulation.  This will make it so much easier to turn a tidy profit trading risky, marginal derivatives.  Derivative is defined as "not original, secondary."  In banking this seems to mean investing money in things generate profit from a secondary source.  Similar to buying a wallet, hoping it is filled with money, that would be nice.  Buried deep inside the spending bill is a provision to bring back Lehman Brothers, and they are hiring Dr. Frankenstein to perform the resurrection.  Just kidding, about Dr. Frankenstein.

But, the real winners are members of Congress, themselves, who somehow managed to sneak a bit of campaign reform past congress.  It was a masterful bit of maneuvering by wily politicians using the pressure of a looming government shutdown to allow politicians to take huge donations from individual donors.  How congress ever got that past congress is a mystery that will take years to unravel.

Here is a graphic representation of the new landscape of American Politics.  It is a brave new world.

Autumn, kind of, a little bit, maybe.

Today is the official start of the fall season.  Not really official in the official sense, but my youngest son is back in school, tired, cranky, and irritable (as far as I can tell that never changes.   from pre-school to college, which is a good reason to put them in a dorm, I suppose).  But, it is also the time of year parenting has the biggest rewards.

It is a chance to show your parenting chops, your math, English, art skills, that have hidden, lying dormant for so long.  Take them out, dust them off, strut them around the living room for a while.  You should make sure to dim the lights a little, you don't want to blind anybody.

But, as soon as you find that your child is in Algebra 3, or Pre-Calculus, or some bizarre thing, and you have no idea what any of those things even mean.  You look through the book for something remotely recognizable, anything that will allow you to step in and say "let me help you with that, son."  But, it looks like the book was written by aliens from a distant planet with math skills far surpassing the long division you are still struggling to learn, thank goodness they put calculators on everything.  No worries, you can still call upon your grammar skills to impress.

Unfortunately, grammar has turned into "Language Arts" and they are reading the "Iliad," and who knows what any of that is about.   It was written by ancient foreigners, about something that might make a great movie, with the Rock, or Vin Diesel, but it is almost impossible to read.  Why can't they teach some good, American stuff, maybe some Louis L'amour, or John Grisham, or even a little of that woman who wrote all of those alphabet based crime books, "A is for Arson," "B is for Bad, Bad Grades," then you could really flex your literary muscles.  But, it is not to be.

Do they want to talk about government, having lived through person kind of an expert in Government excesses, and the workings of official Washington.  But, nobody wants to hear about that anymore.  Now everybody wants to talk about filibusters, and appropriations, and committees, and caucuses.  Bunch of pointless words, who knows or cares what any of that stuff means. Oh well, those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and when that smug little Political Science teacher talks about discretionary vs. mandatory spending he is just inviting corruption and abuse.  It's not your problem, right, you tried to help.

Man, when they were in Kindergarten, they really thought you were smart, snotty little know it alls, anyway.  Kids are such a nuisance, anyway.

Pardon me, sir, would you have any chocolate syrup?

We managed to quell the uprising in the 6th floor break room  (Dangit, we are serious about that ice cream!) using diplomacy.  We promised there would be no retaliation if they laid down their arms and gave up the fight.  As soon as they walked out, arms raised in the air, we fired them all.

They left without much fuss, but returned later in the day armed with lawyers.  We fired them, too.  Then we offered to represent the poor, unemployed goof offs from the accounting department ourselves, and we would do it Pro Bono, unless the settlement was huge then tossing a little something our way couldn't hurt, we are one big family after all, right?

Justice is blind visually impaired
and does not hear too well, either.
Justice is just having problems.

Fortunately, for everybody, we are reasonable people and decided to settle out of court.  We hired all of the accountants back, at entry level wages, and paid them a settlement that would even out the income for the year, then we charged our insurance company for the trauma we all faced, and sued the local, state and federal governments for not interceding on our behalf, and allowing the situation to get completely out of control.

After the dust settled we turned a tidy little profit.  Plus, we get a huge tax break because of our reduced payroll in accounting.  The local government has agreed to a huge tax subsidy to keep us from leaving, despite the treacherous conditions.  Seeing how resourceful we handled this potential crisis the state and federal government are offering us huge contracts to supply goods and services, and brother, do we have some dang fine goods, and services, and we have ice cream.  Life is good, you know.

Bargains, Deals, Sales, Galore.

The government has been enduring the budget cuts forced by sequestration for quite a while.  It has become a  boon for bargain hunters.  The government has been laying off people, left, right, up, down, in the middle, the ax is falling everywhere.  And all of those people had desks, desk chairs, staplers, pen holders, lever handled three hole punch machines, and computers.  Of course, the government stores some of this, but much of it goes on sale, ridiculously cheap.

If you know someone you can find some good deals.  Fortunately, we here at Life Explained know lots of somebodies.  We had several large defense department contracts during the late 90s and the early part of the last decade.  Mostly dealing with the construction of parking structures in hostile environments, nobody wants their M1A2 Abrams, 68 ton, Main Battle Tank to sit out in the elements, and get all spotted and potentially rusty.

Or that is what we thought, and so did several members of key congressional committees, who received generous election donations from an unnamed donor.  Turns out those things are remarkably sturdy, and a lot bigger, and heavier than cars, even the big SUVs.  Man, was that general guy mad when that tank fell through the floor, and landed on his limousine.  It would have been funny the way he was hopping around, screaming and swearing, and throwing his sunglasses and hat on the ground, if it weren't for all of those guys with all of those guns, knives, hand grenades, rocket launchers, and all sorts of explosive, violent stuff. It seemed like everybody there was holding a weapon.  So, we left, we can take a hint.

Anyhoo, a guy we had worked with called us and said they were "decommissioning" a large number of large, dangerous, expensive nuclear weapons, all of which were controlled by computers, which were no longer needed.  He said we could pick up some serious computational power for pennies on the dollar.  We are always in the market for a deal, so we jumped on the opportunity.

They are not your standard PC, and there is a steep learning curve to the program architecture, and the hardware associations, but it came with a video, and a manual, so we should be OK.  Here is a picture of the cover.

Austerity Measures.

Due to the cutbacks forced by the government shutdown the patrol of the national parks and monuments is being handled by UAVs (Unmanned Aerial Vehicles).  This move alone will provide enough savings to pay the salary of 2.5 Congress people.  Fortunately, there are .5 congress people scattered throughout the Capital.

Caution will be needed while in the vicinity of any of these, the programmers and all of the senior operators have been furloughed.  You see, these cutbacks are hard on everyone.

Please feel free to move about the country, but keep your eyes looking toward the skies.  We all need to make sacrifices.

We apologize for any inconvenience.

A plan to help everybody,

There have been many concerns with the Federal Government data mining our wireless carriers and collecting information about our lives, friends, habits, desires, down to what we purchase, and what we have planned.  Most of these concerns are valid and should be addressed.  Of course, we as Americans will quickly forget it happened and our Government being our Government will say a few solemn words, offer some meager defense, and carry on, and perhaps even expand the program.

We here, at Life Explained, are nothing if not realists, and we just want you to understand the way things work, that is why we work so diligently to bring you the latest news.  We are also not adverse to saving a few bucks when we can, and helping our friends in the government bring themselves closer to solvency at the same time.  That is why we are going to offer another chance for cooperation, another opportunity for increasing revenue without raising taxes, and offering the citizens of this great nation a helping hand, all while taking a hand out.

Here is how it should work.  You get online, and read some articles about vacationing in Key West.  So, you look into flights, rental cars, hotel rooms, all of the things required to start planning a dream trip.  It will be great.  Your whole family will be so excited

Before you can start clipping coupons for sunscreen you get a call.

"Hello, this is the National Security Agency, Tour and Travel Division.  We couldn't help but notice you are planning a little getaway to Florida on the 27th.  That is a great idea.  You really need it, after that scathing email from the CFO yesterday.  That guy is a jerk sometimes."  A friendly, reassuring voice says.

"We would like to save you a few dollars on your motel.  Using the buying power of the Federal Government, we can save you 10% on your motel rooms, and get you upgraded to a mid size on your rental car.  How does that sound?"  The voice asks, you can sense the excitement, a civil servant who loves their job.

"Great, I guess.  What do I have to do?"  Is all you can muster.  It seems so strange, a government employee trying to be helpful.

"Just book your tour with us, and the savings are automatic.  Plus, you get the option to choose where your government spends the profits.  Many people are choosing the "Balance the Budget option B" but another popular choice is the "New Weapons for the Next Millenium option C"  You will get a full brochure, as soon as the credit is processed."

This is great!  Naturally, you jump at the chance.

The voice adds, "judging by your last checkup you should probably get a new swimsuit, they are on sale at CostCo, and I can send you a coupon for an additional savings of $5.00, oh and the results came back from the biopsy, and they were benign.  Also, you might want to talk to your son.  He is thinking of getting a tattoo."

   

How do they even have time with furlough days?

According to the New York Daily News Verizon has been providing the federal government with the phone records of all customers who live in the US.   Many are taking offense at this.

T-Mobile, Sprint and AT&t are now seeking a class action lawsuit demanding that the National Security Agency subpoena their records as well.

According to AT&T spokesperson Katie Nagus her company was "bruised by this slap in the face.  We have customers, too you know?  And some of them are pretty shady."

Sprint issued a public statement claiming "We have several customers who may be up to no good, and they feel completely ignored by the very government that is supposed to be intruding in their lives."

One T-Mobile ne'er do well, who tearfully requested anonymity, said "why do I even bother with all of these complicated conspiracies involving violent overthrow of the established order, funded by kidnapping, extortion and robbery, when the people who are so willing to take my taxes don't even care.  I might as well just get a job."

Several lawyers representing the "little three" were lined up outside of the National Security Agency headquarters holding boxes of customer telephone records, demanding they be sifted through for any suspicious activity.  In the background a small army of protesters were sitting up tents, painting signs demanding government scrutiny and making s'mores, man those things are great!

More Problems with Immigration.

As the Houses of Congress come dangerously close to passing Immigration Reform Legislation (that's right, close to passing legislation, you heard it here first folks, they might actually accomplish the passing of a piece of legislation, though Vegas has the odds at 8 to 1 against, and Vegas knows a little about making odds), it would be wise to remember not all immigrants are here for wholesome purposes.  Look no further than the evidence below.

Hey, Buddy, how about a little snack.

Great Gray Owls are sneaking across the borders into Minnesota and stealing American mice!  It is widely known that Canadian mice are not as tasty, and Minnesota produces some of the finest mice stock in the world, but, dangit they are our mice.

Call your elected representative today, and put an end to the madness, it is time for Congress to go back to the petty bickering and pointless squabbling and name calling Americans have come to expect and admire.

This post brought to you by The Minnesota Mouse Association.

Another Budget Saving Idea

On the radio this morning they said the White House is going to give operational and tactical control of the drone program to the military. It makes sense for the Executive Branch of the Federal Government to distance itself from the day to day running of such a time consuming division of the United States Military Conglomerate (suggested motto, "Look At Our Stuff, It Is So Cool").

In light of the current budget impasse and the inability of the elected officials to agree on anything that might offer any kind of solution, at all, it might make more sense to allow a commercial enterprise take over.

They could sell the rights to drone strikes to the highest bidder, "Pizza Hut, the home of the $10.00 pizza deal, and a proud sponsor of predator drone stikes in the mountains of Afghanistan, north of Charikar, and south of Fayzabad." They could even name food items after key components of the weapon systems. "Don't forget to order your Spicy Hot Hellfire Wings, to go with your pizza today."

It has worked so well for the NCAA Bowl system, and trust me college football programs know a little about budget excess, why not let the Feds get a piece of the pie, or pizza, as the case may be.

Dear Elected Officials,

If you are done making a point, we would like our country, and our government back.

Thank you,

We the people.

Hope is on the way!