Voting, Not a Privilege, A Curse.

As is normally the case, I filled out my ballot and mailed it in. Long lines filled with politically enthused people are a curse, and this election is probably going to be above average in rabid, politically charged clown attendance. I have to vote, because my wife makes me. I could turn my back on the whole process and walk away smiling, but for my wife.

As usual, I voted my beliefs, and my conscience, and what limited knowledge that can be gathered from the politically slanted news, magazines, newspapers, and television. And it was pretty easy, at the top, the candidates for most of the election were pretty clearly divided, and I could always find one that less odious than the other.

But, then came the judges. What do I know about judges? At the tender age of fifty seven it has been years since I have even seen a real judge (there was a young man who played on my son's basketball team, and his mother was a judge, very polite, and kind, so that was a vote that I was extremely comfortable casting). What gives me the right to choose who should have the power over such decisions. What if I choose the wrong person, what if I vote for the "hanging judge"? I can''t take that kind of pressure.

And coroner, what do I know about hiring a coroner? What if I elect the "hanging judge" and a sloth with a drinking problem for coroner? You never see commercials for coroner. Elect Bob for Coroner, he is not a lazy drunkard, like his opponent." No, you just have to fill in the little circle blindly, trusting to fate.

It won't take long for the streets to be lined with corpses waiting for disposition, piling up like sandbags before a flood, the stench will be unbearable. Not to mention it will be a real deterrent to the food trucks that are becoming so popular.
 And it will be my fault.

Oh, how I hate democracy.

Vote your conscience, as long as it isn't dumb.

There are only 12 days until the election. Less than 2 weeks, more than 10 days sure, but fewer than 14. In fact for the moment it is nestled safely between 11 and 13, right at 12. Both of the major party candidates have said a lot, a disturbing amount. All of it probably nothing more than "elect me hyperbole." Zahart and Clark have a plan, though.

We are going to create jobs. We are going to balance the budget. We are going to set things right. How, you ask, or would had you not been sickened by the gaseous emissions of the campaign so far. We are glad you asked, or would have asked if you had any strength left.

Our plan is simple, if you vote for us you will receive a secret code, come back here, enter the code, and we hire you as an investigator. Your job will be to investigate all of the people who don't have a code.

Of course, if enough people have the good sense to vote for us and there are not enough "investigatees" to go around we will appoint you as legal counsel for one of the foolish. Not that we are saying being foolish is a crime, and not that we are in any way implying that not voting for us is indictable, we are just only going to make everybody happy.

Honestly, lets say you were silly enough to vote for someone else wouldn't it make you feel good to have someone smart enough to vote for us defend you? Of course you would.

That sort of generosity, in the face of the bitter election cycle is what makes this country great. So get off your lazy bottom and vote. Also, if you take your secret code to Dunkin Donuts they will give you a cream filled donut with colorful sprinkles. Where else but America?

Better Luck Next Month.

It is a short trip, in the scheme of things, Mars is only a day trip compared to some places, and it behooves us, here at Life Explained, to make the trip. We have the space shuttle, thanks in large part to a short trip to Tennessee, and a shaky chain of command, and a peculiarly open Purchase Order system. It is kind of complicated, and has never been fully explained. Kind of like life.

But, as the leading applied technology company in the known universe we feel a crushing responsibility to our stakeholders, to the public at large and to the future generations who depend on us to make sure science is advanced at the proper pace, and there is still a safe place to live.

So, we reverse engineered the space shuttle, (named Space Shuttle Future Profits, we have strong faith in the theory of self fulfilling prophecies) built some larger transport ships to carry building supplies, food, drinks, video equipment, extra clothing, and various stuff that may be needed. Nobody really knows much about establishing a colony on Mars, we want to be prepared. As an interesting side note we did manage to stow three cases of wine, one Merlot, one Sauvignon Blanc, and one Strawberry Farms Grape Explosion. Everybody should be covered until we can start producing our own.

Everything was loaded, and the twenty four hour countdown was proceeding nicely. Go, no go, was all go. Until somebody put a bumper sticker, "Hillary for Pres." And then somebody covered it with a "Trump the man with the Plan." Then somebody covered that with a "Trump is an idiot." which was soon covered with "Hillary should be in jail, orange is her new black," covered with "Trump should be in a Zoo, locked in a cage and fed with a stick."

Pretty soon all three shuttles were covered with the most awful insults, slanderous accusations of questionable intelligence and moral bankruptcy. Since this is a family friendly blog we won't go into details. Every surface was covered, windows, delicate electric components, instructional signs all buried under the most atrocious, vile charges of corruption and ineptitude imaginable.

Naturally, we had to scrap the mission until after the election. We will bail for the scientists, engineers and gaffers out of jail, by then we should have the transports cleaned, and ready to go. I just hope we can still get at the wine.

It is time to decide, and I choose apathy.

Compromise and the possibility of dissent are now dead. Gone and buried. I am not sure when they perished, and the cause is as mysterious as the date.

It might have been when President Bush, the 2nd, declared "you're either with us, or you're with the terrorists." At the time people felt he was talking to foreign leaders, a thinly veiled threat.  It turns out he was actually talking to anyone who wanted to explore options other than the heavy handed sturm und drang he was promoting.

I am sure that was more of the epitaph than the cause, though. It had been moribund and in the throes of death for a while before that. People speak reverently of Reagan and Tip O'Neill coming together for the good of the country, hammering out the differences, and shaking hands and walking away happy.

Of course the compromise was to hand a lot of tax breaks to people who make a lot of money, and strip away most of the provisions for deductions of interest on mortgage payments. So, the compromise was not that conducive to a vibrant middle class. But, the theory was people who were wealthy would find all of the extra money from the obscene tax breaks embarrassing and give the money to the poor, whose numbers would be climbing, thanks to the compromise of these political giants.

And, there was not really a lot of progress under Bill Clinton. He did manage to raise the tax rate on the very wealthy, and reduce it slightly on the very poor. But, his fuel tax was tremendously burdensome on the people whose income depends on the movement of goods. Mostly the middle class. Another defeat for those trying to make it from one payday to the next.

Now, we have Godzilla vs. Mothra playing across the landscape. It is often difficult to tell who the hero is, and it varies with whom you ask. But, each has a plan to make the economy stronger, more vibrant, and robust.  And after they are elected they will meet with advisers and members of both parties and make changes to make things better.

But, it will probably not involve making any concessions toward the people who wake up to the sound of an alarm, pour their own coffee, take a lunch and go to work.  But, that is old news, isn't it?

Under the Big Top

Today we are dealing with our government and the ability to deal with a looming crisis. Zika virus is coming, everybody knows that. A disease that could damage thousands of lives, and Washington is locked in battle over the best way to ignore the potential disaster.

No, not really, Washington is more or less ignoring anything that would require any sort of action. In all fairness, though, they are dealing with an election cycle. For the casual observer this seems like a side show, a traveling circus that comes to town and snarls traffic, ties up news people and flies away, like a thief in the night.

But, in the capital this is the only show in town. People are lining up to get in pictures, and endorse candidates, raise money, and let everybody know they are doing their job, even while they are not doing anything.

So, they keep "working" and the virus keeps inching closer. The airwaves are filled with the ridiculous name calling and finger pointing of the most angry, repugnant group of presidential hopefuls imaginable. And real problems are being ignored. This is not a difficult problem and the solutions are obvious, testing, mosquito control programs and vaccinations are all reliable and only wait for funding. But, our elected officials are very busy not doing anything.

Remind me again why I should vote.

Choice 2016, not much, though.

While reading "And the Ass Saw an Angel*" by Nick Cave there was a paragraph that was so beautifully written and so troubling in content I had to read it aloud to my wife. It was when Euchrid entered the abandoned church and found the ruined interior.

"O God!" ah thought, sickened by the sight, "what have they done to your house?" But there came no reply —for, clearly, God didn't live there anymore. Looted, desecrated, vandalized, befouled—the church had been trashed and an abomination was upon everything. All the gold and glory—gone. The stench of all that's foul and human hung heavy in the air—air that once had been fragrant with incense. The floor was covered in garbage—a sea of open tins and empty bottles, all murky green and brown.

She asked me what I thought Nick Cave felt about God. I told her from what I could tell from his music and his book he seemed devout enough, and had no trouble with the Lord above, but he had no faith in mankind.  Perhaps I just read my own sentiment into Mr. Cave's words. Humanity is untrustworthy, deceitful, and manipulative.

Politicians are the worst of the lot. Sometimes I can bring myself to vote for one of them, but not often, and certainly not comfortably. Which is why I follow, with great delight, The Washington Post Fact Checker, reading gleefully when the lies and misrepresentations of politicos are exposed. It is a source of great joy.

If the Fact Checker were to grade on a curve Donald Trump would make the others seem honest, as least as honest as they can be without ruining their status as people. He piles up the "Pinocchios" with astonishing speed and amazing regularity. It seems he will say almost anything, and often does. Meet the new age of campaign rhetoric.

Paul Ryan said he would not back Trump for president unless he was more willing to embrace established Republican positions, and they agreed to a meeting. What does Speaker Ryan think he is going to hear? What magic beans will Nominee Trump have to trade for the Speakers support?

Even if Trump were to come to the meeting and espouse everything Romney and Ryan touted in 2012 why would anyone believe a word? If, after the meeting, Ryan heartily endorses Trump, beating the bushes for the Donald, would that spell the end of his career, the end of his beloved Ayn Rand experiment? What does anybody have to gain from this meeting? Trump is the nominee, Ryan is the spokesperson of the new inclusive movement of Republican party how do they hope to reconcile that?

Either way, the election is shaping up to be a mudslinging slugfest of unparalleled proportions, a months long drama of billionaires swinging their purses at each other over and over again until the American public reaches a fever pitch, and a full 45 to 67 percent of us vote. I'll see you on the other side, my friends.

No matter who's the winner we all pay the cost.

John Boehner called Ted Cruz "Lucifer in the flesh.  "I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life." Boehner said of the presidential hopeful. Lindsay Graham said of Senator Cruz, “If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.”

Donald Trump has brought in Bobby Knight to explain how acting presidential is indefinable and explain how his Army team kicked hell out of Navy for eight straight years.

Carly Fiorina and her brand of fiery campaign assault have returned to grace our televisions. She even sang a little tune, and seemed to carry it very well, considering she can come across as such an angry unrestrained tyrant at times.

Hillary and Bernie are locked in a pitched battle over speeches and tax returns. Both candidates pretending they are not wealthy beyond the imagination of most Americans. Somehow, they hope, this will make them seem more sympathetic to the plight of a middle class slowly being crushed under the weight of the American Dream.

Honestly, you would think this kind of presidential combat would delight and thrill me. It doesn’t. The waste of time, the fantastic expense, the irreversible damage to our culture, and society are starting to demand their fee.

And, if you think that isn’t funny, here is something that isn’t even funnier. This is just American Politics of the New Millennium, the Introduction. It is going to get worse. Once the primaries are over and we have the actual candidates tearing each other to pieces over who is less likely to destroy the country then we will see the new reality.

Then we will see American Politics at its basest and most repulsive. And it is only the beginning. The Houses of Congress have not forgotten the valuable lessons learned in the government shutdown and the sequestration. It is frightening to imagine the bargaining tactics they are devising for the next president. Fortunately, the wait is almost over.

And they wonder why it is so hard to get people to vote. It seems obvious.

“Well, the emptiness is endless, cold as the clay,

You can always come back but you can’t come back all the way.”*

*Bob Dylan. Mississippi.

Introducing the Third Party Candidate of your dreams.

Tuesday, another day in the grind. Another step in an endless journey. Another brick in the wall. I am drinking yesterdays coffee, and it tastes awful. The sun is shining through the windows, but it is not a friendly warmth, it is a glaring heat. It casts shadows that hide awful surprises. It is a day booby trapped with potential disaster.

Yes, it is the Arizona and the Utah primaries, and that means... Well, I don't know if it really means anything too important. But, people are making a big deal about it, and this primary season has been a little more televised than most.

It might be the presence of a reality television star. It does have the air of outrageous entertainment. The circus has come to town. 

"You flip and you flop under the big white top

As the long legged ring mistress starts and stops

But, you know after all the act is wearing thin, 

as the crowd grows uneasy, and the boos begin."*

A couple of years ago there was a huge backlash against incumbent office holders. Everybody was angry at Washington, and thought there should be a change, a purge, wash away the old, and start fresh. 

Now we have the ultimate outsider and people love him, some people love him anyway.  Some people despise him. But, as Donald Trump said, "you can't make an omelet without busting some heads." **

Traditionalists are worried. It has become American Idol for President. Or professional wrestling for the White House. Nobody would probably be too surprised if some masked behemoth in tights came out and body slammed Donald Trump during a debate.

The stage would erupt in a melee of painful and dangerous looking holds, kicks, and punches. And the winner would be the nominee. I am rooting for the Undertaker myself. "The Legendary Deadman" for president.

Sadly, despite the entertainment value provided by the Republican party this year they are probably still reluctant to go quite that far. But, we shouldn't rule out a third party candidacy. Why stop at three. Maybe Andy Warhol meant we should all have a shot at being a candidate for president. A democracy for the people.

With that in mind, I nominate Bil for president. He is a decent guy, who is fairly good at math and has never held office, of any type. He is the working man's hero, willing to pitch in and help when things get rough, and he has neat penmanship.  

Bil for President, donate now.

*Thank you, Jethro Tull.

** He didn't really say that. I just made it up.

Campaign Coverage from Life Explained

Super Tuesday Part Deux, or Dos, or Two, or B, (whichever you prefer, any of them is fine with us) has pretty much wrapped up. Except for Missouri which may take until Friday. Some people will do anything for attention. Show Me, yeah right, show us the winner.

As far as election years go this has been the most entertaining. Most of the candidates have kept it blissfully detail free. Even for presidential politics, these hopefuls have been several standard deviations above the mean. 

We can probably thank Donald Trump for part of that. It would be very difficult to flesh out the meat of positions that change so often. He is a master at saying what people want to hear, no matter what. His stump speeches are a masterpiece of pandering, and manipulation. People seem to embrace his outsider status, even though he may actually be the next evolution of politician. 

Lindsay Graham said "If you murdered Ted Cruz on the floor of the senate and the trial was in the senate nobody would convict you." One unnamed Republican was quoted as saying that Cruz seems to be "covered in a thick layer of people repellent." It is difficult to be much more of an outsider than that. Somehow he is outside his peers, his coworkers and seems to be shooting for outside of humanity.

John Kasich won Ohio, and nowhere else. He lost every other state yesterday, and every other day since the campaign started. And he promptly accepted the nomination. Not really, but he vowed to keep going. In 2008 many people felt Kasich was campaigning for Vice President. Maybe he never stopped.

In Michigan voters who value honesty gave Bernie Sanders an 80 to 19 advantage. And that seems to be the norm. But, Clinton is kicking his socialist Utopian bottom all over the country. Politicians have a reputation for dishonesty, but her reputation is extreme even by modern standards. She may be another progression in modern political design.

This is the political landscape, and these are our choices. So go, cast your vote, and wallow in a sense of sense worth. But, take heart, we are not alone. Remember the words of the greatest Ohioan of all time, Ambrose Bierce.

IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions of opinion and taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.

Vote For Dr. Dawg,

My fellow Americans when I become president I will build a wall on our southern border.

I will build a wall on our northern border.

I will build a wall on the east coast, I will build a wall on the west coast. I will slap a roof across the top, and we will have the worlds first climate controlled nation.

No more sweltering, humid summers, no more frigid, icy winters. Cool, comfortable conditions year around. That's what I do, I live in comfort, and so should you.

Who will build the walls, and the roof? Cheap foreign labor, that's who. Because we will all be too busy living the good life, because that's what I do, make people wealthy. Wouldn't you like to be wealthy?

And I will get the other countries scattered throughout the uncivilized parts of the world to pay for it all. Because I have the worlds greatest collection agency working for me. That's what I do, I get paid, and you will get paid too.

I make dreams come true, that's what I do. And I will make your dreams come true. After I am elected.

People have asked "couldn't you do a lot of those things without being president?"

I tell those people "shut up!" And they shut up.

My name is Doctor Dawg and I approved this message.

Vote For Doctor Dawg, why not, I mean look around, who else is there?

This is the February of our discontent

Monday, and the wolves are closing in. And if you think it is bad where you are remember those poor bastards in Iowa. With a candidate for almost every registered voter, the pressure in overwhelming.

There are stories of voters being trapped in the restroom, unable to use the facilities because of the camera crews following the candidate who is busy explaining his views on aid to corn growers.

One person had to be rushed to the hospital with severe dehydration. She had been surrounded by candidates wanting to "earn her vote." She was trapped for 7 days, as the would be presidents promised to keep her safe. "It was like being trapped in a burning cliche factory, all of this hot air swirling, spinning, cyclonic, carrying cloyingly noxious fumes of sickening tripe." She is in protective custody.

Giant buses are crossing the state, pulling into small, scenic towns, jumping out in the town squares, making outlandish promises, and slinging terrible insults. Residents are afraid to come out of their houses.

There is talk of declaring a disaster. The Iowa National Guard is being mobilized. But the enemy is elusive, moving fast, stopping only long enough to snap a few photos, and speak incoherently about values, and trust.

We ask that you keep Iowa in your thoughts today. Maybe they can pick off a few before the battle moves to your state.

The Time is Now

One week until the Iowa Caucuses. and the country is still waiting, in silent anticipation to find out why Iowa has to go with something like a caucus instead of the more traditional primary. And, what exactly is a "caucus," anyway.

It seems to be kind of a meeting, where everybody sits around and talks about how great the candidates are until either;

A, Everybody gets sick of talking about politics except one person and everybody says "Ok we love your candidate the most." or

B, People find common ground, and work together to choose the candidate that is most reasonable, qualified, and competent, and will work to unite the country, and stem the tide of petty partisan bickering, and venom crippling the federal government. These upstanding citizens of the great state of Iowa will ignore their personal preferences, and any biases or prejudices and choose the best candidate for the country, and the world.

So, I guess we can go with option A, then. And then you kind of wander who ever thought a caucus was a good idea. Probably some loud mouthed, windy gas bag, who was worried he had backed the wrong horse. "Hey, we should talk about this, and then talk about it some more, until everybody agrees with me."

Is that anyway to choose a president? Of course not, what we should do is watch a lot of commercials telling us how bad they are, and then pick the one that seems to be the least likely to really screw things up.

Oh, wait that is how it is already done.

Well, this was a waste of time. Sorry.

Everybody move along, nothing to see here.
ow

Maybe Next Time,

After careful examination of the available data, dissecting the elaborately hidden positions of all the candidates. Plans shrouded in the secrecy of "trust me, I know what I am doing." We here, at the Dr. Dawg for High Place Elected Office have decided to withdraw our candidates name from the 2016 Presidential Primary.

We have, instead, decided to campaign, with vigor, for the office of Vice President. Sure, being President would be cool, but the competition is fierce this year, with senators, governors, congress people, doctors, titans of industry taking part in multi stage debates, spanning all three rings covered by the big top.

Dr. Dawg feels the circus like atmosphere is beneath him. He refuses to engage in the name calling, mud slinging, childish behavior like those clowns. He says if the other babies want to swing their rattles and rag dolls at each other it is fine with him. He refuses to lower himself to such ridiculous,

asinine, antics.

To be on the safe side we here at Dr. Dawg Election Central are endorsing all of the candidates in both parties.

Particularly the one with all of the really good ideas, you are by far our favorite. It is only a matter of time until your shining light leads the way out of this political dark forest the covering the country.

You know who you are, Dr. Dawg thinks the two of you would make a wonderful team. Don't you?

More Political News, Good News for a change.

It is Sunday, a day of rest, unless you are very busy, and I am. First I would like to announce the newest, greatest, most believable, (let's hope that doesn't sink him) candidate for the 2020 Presidential Election. +Christian Touchet has decided to take time our of his busy schedule to save the country from self immolation.

He is going to use "logic" something new and untried in Washington. It might be political suicide, but it might be salvation. It has to do with common sense, and a certain amount of balance. This is a radical departure from the norm. If nothing else it will be a nice change from the current system of everybody saying the same thing. Yes, they all use different words, but in the end they all have the same message, which is "vote for me, I am the least worst of all these guys, and I won't mess things up, too much."

There is no word, yet, on where you can donate to his Super PAC, but if you want to send your donations to the Life Explained Accounting Department we will make sure it gets to the right place.
Eventually.

In further Presidential News, +Mike Raven has thrown down the gauntlet yet again, (technically it wasn't so much a throwing down of a gauntlet, whatever that is, as much as a mutual agreement, if governments would blog the world would be a happier place) challenging me, and all of us at Life Explained to a trans Atlantic debate regarding the respective governments of Great Britain and the United States.

 And, he even insulted my dog (technically he isn't my dog, he belongs to the people for whom I work, my wife has gone so far as to suggest I am his human sidekick, and +Jeremy Crow actually claimed he was the real brains behind the whole operation), so this has become personal.

Two weeks from yesterday I will show the world why having a President, and Houses of Congress is the ultimate form of government, kind of. I am not sure I can pull this off, because honestly I don't think much of our government. But, when fact fails we always rely on fiction, and that has always worked for the politicians, right?

But we can't do it alone, everybody should post something praising their favorite, or ideal government. It is your duty. Yes, I said duty.

Please pay careful attention to the coming debate there will be a quiz, and it will featured prominently on the midterm... Oops, sorry about that the new school year always confuses us.

Troubles in the Deep South.

In the newspaper today there was a list of presidential candidates and the amount of money each had raised. It was an obscene, embarrassing amount of money. More money than most of us even knew existed. It was very troubling, and we should talk about how much it cost to purchase an elected official.  But there is something more troubling. Apparently, there are giant centipedes in Texas.

Yes, everything is bigger in Texas, and it is a source of pride. However, this is probably getting a little carried away. According to reports the terribly big, probably lightning quick, monster is not a real threat to humans. The bite will be more of a sting that causes swelling than a deadly, debilitating, rapidly accelerating venom induced death spiral. 

There is no confirmation but, our crack team of Life Explained investigators report that this huge, terrifying beast uses an alternate method to stalk humans. It scares people to death. Fortunately, we did not lose any reporters to this menace. Mostly because they reported from their homes, in the basement, behind closed doors, under the pool table, covered by a tarp.

Thank you, fearless investigative reporters. You have the gratitude of an adoring nation.

We would like to take this opportunity to add that Dr. Dawg has accepted no campaign contributions (not yet, anyway, wouldn't you like to be the first?). And, if elected he promises to make all the giant centipedes wear bells, trying sneaking up on someone and scaring the bejesus out of them sounding like a department store Santa Claus.

Here is the latest campaign video. If you have a special interest group you would like us to pander to just drop us a line. There are plenty of people who feel they are being ignored by the major party candidates, those are all people, our folks.

Another day, another candidate

Ohio Governor John Kasich is kind of announced he is going to announce his candidacy for the Presidency on July 21st. No real surprise there, almost everybody in the country, except Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, is campaigning for the Republican nomination. Mr. Kasich's announcement may come as a surprise to the rest of the country, but in Ohio everybody knows, the press is reporting on the coming event regularly.

Governor Kasich's intentions are probably widely known.  It seems the only thing elected officials can keep secret are the myriad additions to spending bills and budgets. Additionally, the man has been traveling to Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina. All of these are probably wonderful places to visit, but the coincidence is too enormous to overlook.

Which begs the question, why wait to make his announcement, is this an attempt to make a flashy entrance by being fashionably late? If everybody who pays attention already knows what advantage can be gained from waiting? Isn't he afraid all of the good sources of monetary contribution will be taken? 

Honestly, how much money can be left? Look at the fund raising figures for the real candidates, it is incredible. Running for president can be like a license to print money. Or more accurately, like a license to have other people print money and hand it over, in heaping piles. Most people can't even understand the wealth raised and spent during a presidential election cycle. I can't, anyway.

According to reports any candidate who wants to be taken seriously will need to raise over 100 million dollars. That is a lot of coin, friend. If I were walking down the street and found a $20.00 bill that would be a big thing, I would feel pretty lucky.  This is like they walked down the street and found a $20.00 bill 5 million times. How lucky is that? and this does not even include Super PACs, and all of the Inferior PACs, who have a little cash, too.

What do they do with all of that money? A lot of it is spent attempting to convince voters that a chosen candidate, no matter what anybody else has to say, is the least objectionable. "Make no mistake, you might be sorry if you vote for our guy, but not as sorry as you could be, if you catch our drift." 

In a way it is similar to the old "protection" scheme made popular by television depictions of organized crime. "Accidents happen, we just want to minimize your risk." Or maybe it is like insurance, I will think about it and let you know.

Anyway, John Kasich is no fool when it comes to politics, I'm afraid that job is left to the voters. He has a plan, and it involves money, huge piles of money. Most of it used to belong to someone else. But, when he announces, please act surprised, even Governors have feelings, you know.

Primary Preseason, Where Candidates are Made.

Our internal Presidential Primary is starting to heat up, a little.  Things are mostly civil, but tension is rising, and tempers are, perhaps, a little short.  But, there are moments, terrible, frightening moments where the worst of man, the politician in our otherwise humane and decent employees rises takes control.

Yesterday in the kitchen was one of those moments.  Roberta and Bob, from payroll, were both getting a midmorning pick me up.  Bob was getting a latte, extra foam with shaved chocolate, and caramel.  Roberta was grabbing a banana, strawberry smoothie with crushed pineapple, cream, and whipped topping.

"Hey, it sure is a nice morning, don't you think.  It would be a great day to cut the taxes on the nations largest international conglomerates, to help them generate jobs, wouldn't it?"  Bob asked, looking out the window, admiring the bright sun glinting off the frost covered roofs.  An aroma of espresso, and hot chocolate made him smile.

"It is a beautiful day, Bob," Roberta agreed, looking into the cut crystal goblet holding her frosty drink, she could almost taste the smell of the fresh banana and strawberry, it was intoxicating.  "But, we should probably use the bright light to offer a ray of hope to the poor immigrants who are waiting in limbo, wondering what will become of them."

"It is typical, left wing, bleeding heart crap.  They came to this country illegally, which makes them criminals.  We should deport them, and give those jobs to Americans."

"Yes, Americans are lining up to take jobs, mowing lawns, working in picking onions, and peaches.  Our country is stronger when we welcome those trying to build a new life."

An impromptu debate, this was great.  People were starting to gather around, a circle of spectators waiting for a vigorous exchange of ideas.

For the next several minutes the debate raged, both candidates expressing cognizant theories on the best way to ensure American survival for four more years.  Of course the longer the debate went on, with neither side willing to budge from their position, the more venomous it became.  Soon it was reduced to accusations, and name calling.

Bob scoffed, then added., "whiny little democrat, you will ruin this country.  Wimp"  He turned, and began to shadow box in the mirror like polish of the stainless steel refrigerator.

When he started the Ali Shuffle, and asked his reflection "who's the man?"  Roberta had had enough, and rammed him with her motorized wheel chair.  Bob's knees buckled, and he started to collapse, whimpering,
he was in obvious pain.  Roberta hammered him in the temple with her insulin pump, as he crumpled to the floor.

You could barely hear him say "I withdraw my candidacy for President of the United States."  As Roberta used her oxygen hose to strangle him to unconsciousness.

We really thought Bob was going to have a chance, too, until the concussion.  Well, there are more candidates, more debates, the cycle is really only beginning.  Stay tuned, and don't forget to vote.

A public service announcement.

Tomorrow is election day, so get out there and vote.  It is your civic duty.  And remember a vote formy opponent is nothing more than a wasted vote.  It is obvious to anybody with with a pulse the other candidate in this race is one public records request from a lengthy, uncomfortable well deserved prison sentence.

Of course considering the voting record it is for the best, who votes to raise taxes, and debt, close schools, hospitals, police, and fire stations, libraries, museums and churches, just to build more parking lots, so they won't have to pay the parking meters.  Which they never did, running up huge parking ticket debt, that they have no intention of ever paying.

But, that is not the worst of it.  Look at the campaign staff, friends, family, crony's, the whole organization is built around nepotism, nothing but a bunch of clowns, and trained monkeys.  You just know they are all going to end up in the cabinet.  That is no way to run a government, I tell you.  Just a shame, really.




Anyway, vote, it is an honor, it is a privilege, it is a duty, it is kind of a hassle, and if you forget to vote stop by the Life Explained Top Secret headquarters and get one of these fancy "I VOTED TODAY" stickers so all of those hoity toity, fancy schmancy, hyper organized people with their fully functioning short term memory won't look down their snooty nose at you.  Jerks, anyway.

Remember, vote for Dr. Dawg, it is your only hope.  #youronlyhope




*At least, I meant to vote today.

Yet Another Chance to Save the County.

Senator Rand Paul recently made a trip to Iowa, and is planning on visiting New Hampshire and South Carolina. He claimed that the locations were completely coincidental, but it does not take a Beltway Power Broker to understand that this is the first round of the Rand Paul Presidential Campaign. Which is fine, the country is in such good shape elected officials really have no need to spend all of their time trying to solve America's problems.

Of course, that was just a joke, the country is a mess. And Senator Paul is no more or less guilty than other officials, getting elected and re-elected can be a full time job, and running for President is a demanding, daunting task. Just raising the money to explore the possibility of a run for the Office of President is terrifyingly time consuming.

Things have become so bad lately though, it might be time to consider a change. Elections are won and lost on the campaign trail, not in the confines of the Houses of the Senate. People really don't care what an elected official has done, only what they are willing to promise. Obviously, somebody needs to be on the trail, pressing the flesh, kissing the babies, raising the money, and most importantly trashing the opponent.

There is a very simple alternative. Politicians should be forced to hire actors to campaign for them. Paid, professional, practiced speakers, who can emulate the elected official while the office holder is holding the office, and governing.
Congress people can monitor the activity and make sure the speech writers and actors are portraying the candidate correctly, and still have many more hours to run the country.

Of course, this will not be necessary once we have perfected the cloning process, let's check in with Dr. Dawg and see how that is progressing.



As you can see it might be while before this technology is ready for elected officials (cynics, please add your own joke here). But, that does not deter from the fact that system is in need of a little work, maybe some revamping.  If you like this idea call your elected representative and pass it on.  And, if you are an actor, then send in a resume, and a few photos, plus a video clip or two.  Remember, you are saving the country.

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Finally, a breakthrough in campaign finance reform.