Time Stumbles Along.

There is a three day weekend coming at me, it is crawling toward me, a snail trapped in amber, frozen in a glacier. I am running, jogging, really, actually limping as fast as I can to get there, but it doesn't seem to be getting any closer. I'm pretty sure yesterday was Friday, and now I am in the early stages of Thursday wondering what happened. You know the feeling you get when you're standing in a crowded place and you think someone is looking at you, feel it in your bones, certain of it. And you turn around and someone is looking at you, staring right at you, maybe right through you. It's that feeling, only worse.

Where did the time go?
Nowhere, it hasn't moved all week

I'm afraid somehow we have slipped out of the space time continuum. We exist in a void beyond reality. Days shift in and out of focus, time passes in both directions. Minutes collide, recoil and change course. You never know where you will land in these times, Wednesday, Thursday, even Monday, God forbid. Swimming in these waters will stretch your strings and leave you out of tune.

The world has stopped rotating, and only the crushing weight of our disappointment keeps us from sailing off into space. We walk through life pretending it still makes sense, but, deep inside we all know, Labor Day is never going to get here, the weekend will never come.


Swapper's Day in Johnstown will always be just out of reach. Sometimes close enough to feel, you can smell the chicken on the flattop grill, but you can't see it. Sometimes off on the fading horizon, distant, silent, almost a memory. Frozen crowds wait only for the moment to mill aimlessly down the long, narrow paths. A moment that never comes.

One benefit, though, is you have a lot of extra time. So, I got a new app for my phone. I'm not sure what I am going to do with it, but it seems cool and there will be plenty of time to experiment. Here is my first video.

Of course, I could be wrong about the whole time thing. If the weekend ever comes I will have more videos from the big day, the big sale, the outdoor extravaganza. The place to go and see, and enjoy, marvel at the diversity, and the sheer, unpredictable marvelous mess that is the brotherhood of humanity. If I can spend a little time in a place like that I start to believe we might be OK after all.

Coming Attractions.

We have decided to fire up the ol’ Life Explained movie studio. That’s right, time to light the fires of undeserved hype and unfounded boasting. It is too late to record, edit and produce an entry for Cannes this year, unless we hurry, and one of you happens to know someone who can sneak it into the lineup. If so we might be able to push production up, rush the editing process, and cut corners on CGI. But, we will probably have to start filming right after lunch. After we write the script, of course. Let us know.

Anyway, we have the writer, me, the producer, and the editor, me and me, respectively, and the key grip, the best boy (whatever they do) and all of the hundreds of jobs that roll by on the endless credits, for hours, all being filled by me.



The grand production will star the entire world, at least the part of the world that is within easy reach. So, that is ready.

Most importantly we have two new apps ”Movie Maker and Video Editor” for the PC, which earned a phenomenal 3.8 stars with 927 reviews. And Philm for the iPhone, which received a four star rating with 103 reviews.

Here, we should say a word about apps and ratings on various devices. We, here at Life Explained, love apps, we are always in the market for new apps. And we pay attention to the ratings and reviews with a keen, if slightly casual interest. People who write reviews on the Microsoft Store are a lot tougher than on the App Store. Just an observational note. Apps that work well on the Surface sometimes get poor ratings, but would get glowing reviews on the iPhone. Maybe Apple users are just happier, I don’t know. I use both, which explains the inner turmoil and conflict.

So, here we are, getting read to make a movie about the glories of life, the rich diversity of the small universe, the profound, and wonderful beauty, and the striking, captivating ugliness. More than anybody could imagine, less than everybody would hope for.  Filmed with two different cameras, produced with two 4 star apps, (for the sake of convenience we are counting a 3.8 star rating as a 4 star rating, unless we are driven by a sudden spasm of generosity in which case we will assume they are both 5 star ratings) and accompanied by the music of somebody wonderful.

The weekend takes on a new joy. You can thank us later.

My life, so far, this week.

We are eligible to upgrade our phones this month.  We are probably going to stay with our carrier, Verizon, and probably going to stay with iPhones.  Why not, we have apps that we know and use.  And I have a lot of money tied up in my apps. We are comfortable with the way the phones work, and we are happy with iPhones.

I know there are people who hate Apple, and I can live with that. And, I would never try to change your mind.  But, my phone does everything it should and often more than I expect.

As with most things, if we decide to upgrade I will be completely unprepared. Except for the few headlines about the benefits of the newest iPhone I am in the dark. It has a great camera, and makes calls, and is fast, and is cool. I have started reading about the iPhone8 already.

Technical jargon is wasted on me. I do a lot on my phone, I have written blog posts, made movies, compiled comic strips, but as far as computational abilities, processor speeds, refresh rates, don't bother. You might as well be speaking a foreign language, a dead foreign language. It's not that I don't care, well yes it is. I don't care enough to try to decipher the cryptic language of the technically skilled.

Sports is the same, I like sports, but I don't care about zone coverage, or blitz packages, or offensive sets. I don't want to work that hard. That is why I watch the game, for the vicarious thrill of competition. If my team loses I am more than comfortable blaming the officials, luck, fate or the gods of chance. "It wasn't because they weren't trying" is my motto.

Tuesday I had an appointment at the optometrist, or ophthalmologist, let's just say the "eye doctor" and it went well, and poorly, like most doctor's appointments. In the insanely appropriate words of The Grateful Dead, "every silver lining has a touch of grey." It started terribly, I had to put on a bulky pair of terrible looking glasses and find which circle in a string of three looked as though it was raised. There were ten rows, and only the first one had a noticeable difference.

"They all look the same except for the first one." I said, starting to panic. Why didn't I see the difference?

"OK, thank you," the polite young man replied.

Read the smallest line you can.

"Is that bad?' I asked, the room seemed to be getting darker. The corners were becoming rounded, blurred, everything was losing color.

"They're supposed to get increasingly difficult." He answered politely.

"Let me clean my glasses and I will try again." Everything was getting fuzzy, slipping in and out of
focus. I couldn't blink, my eyes stopped watering. What wasn't he telling me?

He sent me back to see the "eye doctor," who said my vision hadn't changed that much, My distance vision was slightly worse, but nothing to be concerned about.

That about covers my week. Stay tuned Here for exciting developments. I don't want to give away anything, but it will be great.

Have a nice weekend, or Thursday, or afternoon, or don't, I don't want to come across as all pushy, and demanding.

Until next time,

Tim

A new chapter in the story of Life Explained.

Yesterday I wrote a blog post on the Tech Whacko site about video processing apps. I have several, and if you have read this blog before you know I love all apps. If this is your first trip here, well, I love all apps. But, video apps is an obsession all it's own. Probably an unhealthy, unholy, demon sort of obsession.

I will read about one, and think that looks pretty cool, and rush off to download the free version. Of course, as any fool could tell you, the free version is lame, and never worth the trouble.

But, here is why any fool is wrong! If I didn't download the free version how could I possibly have ever know how desperately I needed the full version. Once the free, stripped of all the really cool stuff had been tried, and found lacking then it was off to the App Store.

Seven dollars, it is a small price to pay for such a wonderful little bit of software wizardry. Of course, I needed the other one as a comparative model. There is no way I could know if my $7.00 had been well spent without buying the $6.00 competing app. Wow, that one is great too.

And, how about this one, it is only $3.00. What a steal.

Right now you are probably thinking, "big deal, Tim. Should we care about your foolish dreams? Are you going to continue going on and on about this? Don't you have anything better to do?"

To these questions I answer, Yes, Maybe, and Probably, and I will get to it in a minute.

Here is the thing, I have invested about sixteen smackers in these things, and now I am trying to convince my wife I need a new iPad to use  them effectively. The iPhone works but a bigger screen would be great. Which means you are going to be seeing a lot more videos on this blog. I apologize in advance.

But, she is not going to just take my word for the necessity of a new device. And, desperate times call for desperate measures. So, in the comments I need everybody to say something like "wow, that  is cool, just think of what you could do with a bigger screen."

Here is a trailer from my first blockbuster, smash hit, A Robot Looks at Humanity.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Broken phones, but our dreams live on.

Our microwave oven has stopped working, and we need to replace it.  It is not as simple as wanting, it is a matter of need. Living without a microwave is nothing that should be attempted in the modern world. That is the plan we are gearing up to execute. My wife has consulted Consumer Reports, and we have decided. She said "this model is rated the 'best buy,'" or something like that.  I said OK.

We are going to do a carbo load (maybe some toast) and juice up with caffeine (coffee for me, Diet Coke for my wife), and tackle the world of electronics stores. Or department stores, or Costco, I am not sure. Either way, we are going shopping, which can be better than a trip to the zoo.  As Graham Parker, one of my heroes said, (we will return to our music series soon, but hey there is a music video at the end, so this counts, sort of)

"I know it seems like we're in a cage, but we ain't the animals."

Personally, I am going to try to steer the trip towards Best Buy, where I can lay down some subtle, irresistible hints about swinging by the mobile phone department and grabbing a hold of an iPhone 6.  Turns out our contract is expired, and as my friend Bil, (with one L) said cell phones are designed to last as long as a contract, then they begin to self destruct.

Interestingly enough, Bil's (with one L) contract expires in two short weeks, actually, the weeks are just normal weeks, with 7 days, and his phone could not wait.  It leaped out of his sweatshirt pocket and threw itself on the parking lot. We take great pride in having a sturdy, solid parking lot. It is featured prominently on the website.

Bil's phone leaped from his pocket, did a back flip, a side tuck, and a complicated aerial maneuver that looked as if it were trying to steer itself away from Bil's flailing, grabbing hands, and smashed screen first onto the rock solid surface of the parking lot.

Which means for the next two long weeks actually, they are just regular length weeks, but to Bil they will seem interminable, as he tries to swipe across his cracked, disintegrating screen without slicing his finger open. We have stocked up on antibiotic cream and bandages just to be safe.

In honor of Bil's phone, and my newest subscriber on YouTube (Half Click Studios, maker of the ingenious Cam Animate, a wonderful app that has taken it's place on my Wall of Fame) I have made this little video with dancing, music, and a broken phone.

So, enjoy the video, and buy the app, Cam Animate, and tell Half Click Studios I sent you, and wish me, and my friend Bil (with one L) good luck.  New phones for my men, barkeep.

Hey, really good news.

Party Time!

To all of you people who asked the question, "oh sure, he can type, but can he write?"  Well, the answer is still "probably not."  But, the fantastically intelligent, web savvy, way ahead of their time, convenience providing people at Find.com have been so kind as to post this wonderful little thing I threw together just the other day.  My Very First Real Review!  So, if you are trying to find "just the right thing," head over to Find.com, the slogan says it all, "Why search when you can find?"

For those of you keeping score at home this is the second piece published.  This may not qualify as viral, or even bacterial, but it is at least anemic, and possibly "working from home, ill."

 It has been such a long journey from my childhood, raised in the woods of Kentucky, scraping by, barely having enough to eat.  Working my way, slowly and painfully across Indiana, to Chicago, where I rose through the ranks of local and state politics to eventually become the President of the Unit...  Wait, that wasn't me, that was Abraham Lincoln.

Anyway, I would like to thank +Mike Raven of the The Blog Of Thog, who told me about the wonderful, generous, keenly intellectual people at Find.com.  And the keenly intellectual people of Find.com, who may be kind enough to accept another post, (so buy all of your stuff through that sight), and Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, who once said, "wow, getting your picture on paper money, now that's class."

High Tech Gets a Little Higher.

As many of you know we have recently added the Microsoft Surface Pro 3 to the arsenal of high tech gadgetry used in the pursuit of the explanations to life's greatest mysteries.

It requires a great deal of computational muscle to break down barriers and wrestle truth from the universe.  And the good news is we are getting closer, the bad news is we are still not exactly sure what life's greatest mysteries are (that is how mysterious they are), which has kind of hamstrung our research.

But, it does provide the time needed to integrate all of our devices, and cloud services, so the work can proceed expeditiously.  Of course, there needs to be many tests, trials, failures, hand wringing, tears of frustration and joy, hours and hours of endless attempts to make sure information passes seamlessly between the Surface Pro 3 the iPhone 5 and iPad 3 (we are thinking of adding an iPod, just because we have several not being used).  It was not in vain.  Dropbox was the last piece of the puzzle, and the most stubborn, but a quick glance at the instructions (I know, who reads directions, it was a last resort) and we were uploading photos like techie.

We have managed to produce this little gem, foil this chrome turtle "carjacking" this wooden elephant. And, we had to perform the operation without the iPad. My wife is still holding tight.  But, we are fairly certain we could have without problem.

As you can see the future of mankind is in good hands.

Note;  We are not sure turtles have paws, but we are fairly comfortable supposing that they do not have hands, or feet.  Besides, in a tense situation you can forgive the Life Explained Armed Forces for taking a few liberties with reptilian anatomical classifications.

Next step; new logo, we can't wait.

Well, that was not too bad, we hope.

Last week I got this new app, it is a photo manipulation app, and it is pretty cool.  The excitement was almost overpowering, and the potential seemed limitless, as i dove in.  Co-workers, family members, strangers in line at the grocery store photographed surreptiously, they were all fair game.  However, it fell just a little short, it needed something, but for $2.00 it was a powerful little time killer.   Inspiration, a bolt from the heavens,  "you know, what would be great, if I could take them and make them move around a little."  Nothing elaborate, or complicated, just from one place to another.  Back to the App Store.

There was an animation app that looked pretty fun, easy, and robust, for the price, so I grabbed it.  And it was great.  Taking pictures with my phone, manipulating friends, and family, or strangers into awkward, or humorous situations.  Then saving them to the photo albums to import them into an animation app, and set the whole thing in motion.  Man, this was so cool!  But, then something said "you know what would be really fun, some music, maybe something from a song in the library, right there on the phone.  Man, that would be great."

Here is where it gets really good.  I already have an app that will let me make videos with text, banners, titles, and several transitional effects, and it allows for the addition of a background track using one of the songs in the music collection.  

"WOW, this is fantastic, I can take pictures with my phone, alter them in many ways, using this photo manipulation app, putting my friend or family member on the business end of a bad situation, then using my animation app, rocket them through terrible, and trying circumstances, while being chased by an army of uncomfortable, and unfortunate, situations, only to and add some inspirational music in my video compilation app!  This is great!"

I was so excited, anticipation almost killed me.  And then it hit me, "I have become such a geek."  Without all of the potential profit, of course, or the technical prowess.  But, there is little to be done about it now, and since all of the apps have been paid for, installed, and are screaming for attention, here is my newest movie.  I hope it doesn't make anybody ill.

Things will get better.

Today I upgraded the operating system on my iPhone.  Actually, it did all the work, after pressing yes, and agreeing to the terms and conditions (which I didn't even read, I hope there was nothing too bad, and binding in there) my part was over.  According to the little message this update contained "improvement, bug fixes and security improvements."  All of that sounds like a good idea, and it was free, and except for minimal effort I was off the hook.  But, the question screams through the empty spaces in my mind, echoing and bouncing, yelling, and begging for attention.  What bugs needed fixed?

According to several sites on the internet, it fixes a bug that impacts keyboard responsiveness and a bug involving bluetooth keyboards with VoiceOver enabled.  Both of which are probably long past due, though I hadn't noticed either, and I do use a bluetooth keyboard on my iPad, but not VoiceOver, in fact I have never heard of it.   Also, there were some enhancements to Safari, the web browser.  So, it was probably a good idea.

Recently, Clash of Clans updated their game.  It was a big update, and added a new combat feature called Clan Wars.  A method for one clan to have a war with another clan, instead of just going out and randomly attacking some stranger, who was just hanging around, probably trying to save up enough elixir to upgrade his spell factory, when out of the blue somebody comes along and steals about 100,000 units, wipes out his defenses and smashes up all of his stuff.  Kind of a rude thing, but it is a brutal game, in a way.  Now, though, you can attack a member of the other clan and smash and grab and steal and destroy, and it is just a mirror village, and he doesn't really lose anything, I don't think.  So there are a lot of benefits.   But, our first clan war, when I tried to scout my first opponent it wouldn't let me, plus it wouldn't let me attack, or anything else to help the clan's war effort.  A little research (again, on the internet) told me that it was just a bug, and restarting the game would allow attacks, though, it was a blind attack against an enemy of unknown strength.  Which kind of sucked.  It was a bug, and the next upgrade (which came very quickly) fixed it.

Countless times during the day we encounter things that don't seem quite right.  Things that might give pause, consternation, or anger.  These occurrences often come unexpectedly, during the commute, at work,  anywhere, they will pop up, and you will think, "huh, that is odd."

They happen all of the time, they are only software glitches.  We are working to straighten them out as quickly as possible, and apologize for any inconvenience.  We appreciate your patience.

You need to get in on this.

People who know me will say if there is one thing that interests me it is technology, and predatory animals, and using technology to keep an eye on predatory animals.  That might be more than one thing, but people I know have little use for math, or the rigid confines of proper vocabulary, we are rebels.  So, when I read on PRI, (Public Radio International, yes, I read the radio, on Facebook, did I mention our rebellious nature) that I could download an App to track sharks it was a mad dash to the iTunes store.

Now I am following Lydia, a Great White Shark, as she travels across the Atlantic Ocean.  Not like a

"I think we may be following this one a little too close."

Private Eye following an unfaithful spouse to a seedy motel where he will drink tepid, foul tasting coffee, and eat peanut butter sandwiches with his Canon Rebel DSLR equipped with a Canon EF EF 100 -400mm Telephoto lens (on sale now at Amazon, don't miss this deal, it is crazy cheap) in hand, waiting for a few fuzzy photos.  But, not exactly like following someone on Twitter, either, though that would be closer.  But, I can open an app on my phone (iPhone 5, soon to be outdated and will be offered at very reasonable prices, by everyone) and see where she has been.

Apparently, this shark has surprised the scientists at Massachusetts Division of Marine Fisheries, because she is swimming around in the ocean.  No, I am only kidding, what is surprising to them is that she seems to be crossing the Atlantic Ocean (apparently they feel sharks prefer coastal waters), and may be on her way to Ireland, perhaps arriving just in time for Saint Patrick's Day.  Which shows a remarkable sense of timing, and current events.

According to the article (The PRI article about the Shark) tagging Great White Sharks is rare and difficult.  It seems that someone on the boat needs to distract the shark, maybe with a card trick, or some sleight of hand (sharks are suckers for magic tricks, but who isn't) and another person needs to sneak up behind the shark and stick a tracking device to it's back using industrial strength marine adhesive.  That sort of glue is so caustic and irritating that it was difficult to find volunteers.  No, I just made that up.

There are many difficulties and it is potentially dangerous for the shark, but these good people are trying to save this majestic creature.  They work long hours under trying and difficult conditions, all in the name of conservation, science, and education. I think everybody should show their gratitude for the difficult work by reading the article, and downloading the app, it is available, for Apple as well as Android devices at the OCEARCH.org website, here (Try it, you will be the coolest person you know.).

Imagine, at the touch of a button, (is that what you call it on capacitive touch screen, who cares, not us rebels, that is obvious) you can see where dozens of sharks are, and where they have been.  There are worse ways to use a smart phone, you know?

Hey, you can't argue with fate.

I am a rational, reasonable adult, far from perfect, but mature, and free from the most major defects, for the most part.  Sure, there is a very rational fear of spiders, but that is just self preservation, and if you set up a Google Alert for spider news, like I have, you would see why.  And, nobody can really be all that comfortable flying, for one thing you are packed in that metal can so tightly that you need to synchronize your breathing with the passenger next to you, (fortunately, I hardly breath on planes) and you are squeezed into toddler seats (I don't even like to be that close to my family) and then they fling that sucker through the air in defiance of all laws of nature, science and reason.

And then some smug, arrogant condescending, disembodied voice has the nerve to say, "please put away all reading material, and shut off any electronic devices, please don't even think about using anything that might give you any brief pleasure in the last few precious moments of life, or distract you for even a few seconds from facing the certain death that waits all of you when we finally get this giant mess of aluminum and tangled wire off the ground..."  Oops, sorry about that, most times they don't sound that smug, at all.  Wait, where was I?  Oh yeah.

I like to think of myself as a sane, normal adult.  And recently it seems that maybe I am spending too much time with technology, and not enough time with reality.  It seems like I am constantly checking the status of my village in Clash of Clans (doing quite well, thank you), or Dark Ages (a little behind the eight ball here, need some more lumber mills to really make some time), constantly chasing more elixir or conquests.  Always trying to score big points using middle school vocabulary in "Words With People Who Always Win,"  Maybe that time should be spent with people, maybe I should use those words in conversation.

"Hey, 'Words With Friends' friend, how about I buy you a cup of coffee, and we just talk?"  That seems reasonable, right?

Maybe, it is time to put aside the iPhone, the iPad, cable TV, computers, blue tooth, Blu-Ray, Xbox,

all of the technological meth amphetamines of life, and start looking at the world through eyes long addicted to terminals, flat screens and the retina displays.  What wonders wait just beyond the steel cage of the technology?  Why must we always heed the siren's call to our devices?

It might be time to put all of these toys aside, grow up a bit, and meet life's challenges head on.

Maybe not, though. Last week I left my phone at home, and the withdrawal symptoms were so severe they required hospitalization, thank the gods for health insurance.  And I have that free video "rental" from Red Box that expires today, shame to let that go to waste, it is like a license to print money.  My wife and I have been happily married for a long time, no pointing in tempting fate through conversation.  What will she think if she finds out how dull I really am, and leaves me for somebody fascinating?  Where will that leave our children.

Maybe personal electronics are the next step in evolution.  Crawl out of the ocean, leave the cave, climb down out of the trees, put on a shirt, some pants and a pair of shoes, and start a virtual empire on your iPhone.  It kind of makes sense in a cosmic way, if you think about it.  Maybe we are supposed to learn to use these tools, like we harnessed fire, and incorporated the wheel into our lives.   Who am I to argue with destiny?

Well, I'm glad we got that out in the open, it is certainly a big relief.

The idiots guide to iOS7 for complete dummies.

Oh, isn't she lovely.

Like geeks around the world we here at Life Explained were very excited to hear about the newest operating system from Apple.  There has been so much discussion at our top secret, world headquarters in Beautiful Bel Vista NE that we have barely gotten any work at all done in our mission to explain life, and define the complexities and risks surrounding each passing breath.

This place has been absolutely buzzing, with an anticipatory glee that has not been seen in these top secret, antiseptic, solemn halls since we found out Bob from R & D was bringing in homemade cookies.  That one ended pretty quickly when we found out Bob from R & D was single and had made the cookies himself, from a new recipe he had gotten off the "Simple Calorie Free Deserts, Using Nothing But Flour and Water" web site.  Man, we hate that guy sometimes.

That really has nothing to do with iOS7, though.

We all sat around, touching the little space on our iPhone screens that said "Software Update" until Bob, the custodian finally shrieked, "IT'S AVAILABLE!"  Of course, it sounded more like "EEEEEEEHHHHEEHHHE!   For such a macho looking guy, Bob the custodian can really act like a sissy sometimes.  But, man can that guy work magic with a vacuum.


We updated iTunes, and downloaded and installed the new system.  Soon we were all walking from desk to desk showing and showing each other our freshly update iPhones, iPads, iPods, we probably looked a little silly, in retrospect.

After almost a day here is our brutal, honest review.

The new operating system is different, sort of, at least it looks different, kind of.  But, it is almost the same, a little, with many of the same features, in a way.  One thing that really pops is the new weather icon, the clouds are so nice, and peaceful, and we feel like the sun is almost smiling, oh and the calculator is right there now, no digging through utilities, that's cool.  And we hear the camera is different, but we aren't sure how yet.  Hey, we only had it a day, what do you expect?

Anyway, our final review.  We like it, and can't wait until iOS whatevercomesnext.

Apple, Apple, everywhere,

Today we are celebrating.  Our good friend has joined the happy ranks of iPhone owners.  That's right, Shirley from "upstairs" has taken the sleeping pill of modernity and is now free to experience the technological nightmare of the 21st century.  Just kidding, we here at Life Explained think our iPhone is great, and we are so happy Shirley has joined our club.

Of course, introductions are not necessary, everybody remembers Shirley from http://tim-thingsastheyare.blogspot.com/2013/06/behind-scenes-and-people.html.  A true classic of investigative journalism, along the lines of Woodward and Best..., Berst..., the Watergate people.  If you were absent that day we will reproduce Shirley's part of the post.

If you were very short, and, stood on top of Shirley's head, while she was working, and, if you turned around and looked behind Shirley, this is what you would see.  As you can see Shirley used to need a lot of office supplies.  Things have changed, dramatically, since she joined the iPhone revolution.  Her life is a streamlined, bustling train ride to efficiency and she has assumed the role of conductor, and you better have a ticket.

Now, Shirley spits in the eye of the old fashioned, notepads are just coasters to her.  She scoffs at post it notes, and not just the freebies given by companies desperate for a little business.  She won't even use the "store bought" real Post It Notes, (a registered trademark of 3M).  Shirley is constantly taking notes, snapping pictures, sending emails, calling suppliers, vendors, customers.   She has become a machine, tackling assignments, always on the run from coffee, to iced tea, to straight bourbon, iPhone firmly in hand.


 At first she was so cute, "look at these kitty pictures my Grand Daughter just texted me."  Now, she is complaining about the relative speed of various wifi hotspots and the need for more 3G LTE because her twitter feed is sluggish, and Facebook is "slow as spit."

We were all a little shocked when she got a new tattoo that said "If you can't take the heat stay off of the World Wide Web, Wimp!"  Funny how technology has shaped our world, isn't it?

So, if you are going for a casual cruise down the information super highway and somebody flies past, you cursing your slowness, in a spiffy new iPhone, don't be offended, and say hello, it is probably our friend, Shirley.

Good news, life explained on Flickr

Recently, I received an email from Flickr saying they were giving users a terabyte of storage.  Wow, what a thrill.  I couldn't wait to start snapping photos, uploading little moments of life, frozen in time, immortalized.  A small gift to the future.  When my sons get older they are going to be thrilled, I reasoned.  It was such a significant, important, momentous occurrence I shared it, with everyone.

My wife said, "oh, that's nice."  My kids said, "yeah, whatever dad."  My coworkers just asked if I had seen their coffee cup, water bottle, or note pad.  The guy who was fortunate enough to be using the other side of the gas pump at Speedway when I fueled my car was very animated and passionate, gesturing wildly with his hands and pumping his fist in the air while saying "that is great, fantastic," over and over again.  But, when I tried to go into the finer points of my "plan o' posterity" he turned, (that is when I noticed the blue tooth ear piece) got in his car and drove away.  It was kind of an honor that he had shared my remarkable good fortune and fantastic idea with his phone companion.



It is not enough to have a great idea (Lord knows I have thousands of them popping into my head at all times) implementation is critical.  It is foolish to begin a job without the proper tools, so for my birthday I asked for and received this wonderful zoom lens for my iPhone.  What better way to capture some of those moments that are a little distant?  Other than walking over and taking the picture, of course.  No need for locomotion when you have this bad boy, a 8x Black Telephoto Manual Focus Telescopic Camera Lens with Tripod.  A memory can be cherished from the comfort of your lawn chair, you don't even need to put down your beer.

Nothing is more annoying than looking at all of those pictures with names like "img 422513."  No description, no names, nothing, just a picture.  t..  With a blue tooth sliding keyboard this is a breeze.  It makes adding long, informative descriptive paragraphs fun.  Yes, a picture is worth a 1,000 words, but, a little back story doesn't hurt.  Now my pictures are worth at least 1,075 words and sometime they top 1,100 words.


Well, I have to run.  I have photos to take and share with a world starved for good news.  Look for me on flickr.com you will know it is me when you see the detailed explanation of each photo.

"Siri, save my Monday."

Though, a proud citizen of the 21st century (that is the right century, isn't it?) it is only reluctantly that I embrace new technology.  Yes, I loved my iPod, such a wonderful, useful device, and that love led to the purchase of my beloved iPad, what a glorious, useful, and transcendent piece of electronic equipment, (kind of a big iPod) which, in time, caused the leap off the fiscal cliff into the purchase of one of the most unique, glorious tools ever, an iPhone 5 (kind of like an iPod that makes phone calls).

This morning, however, on my drive to work, (yes, it is another story about my drive to work, sorry, but it is a very important part of my day, for one thing, I love my job, and my car, and my phone, which plays music right through my car, without being attached by wires, that still kills me!) I realized a very glaring weakness in the programming of all electronic music storage devices.  The shuffle function, sometimes, goes a little "buggy" (sorry for the techie jargon, I will try to be more careful) and plays all of the wrong songs. It spits out music that is completely inappropriate for the occasion.  It should know better than melancholy, sad, depressing music on Monday morning.  It should automatically pick something with some tempo, some back beat, something to get the foot tapping, and blood circulating.

Picking up my phone and quickly realizing that the "next" (again, sorry for all this tech stuff, please forgive me) option was useless, it was just going to pick sorrow filled, tear stained music, I started looking for a song.  I had a great one in mind.  But, I was driving almost 75 miles an hour (16 kilograms in Europe) and came very close to killing myself and the person in the Ford Fiesta next to me, sorry about that, you looked like a such nice little old lady, until you gave me the middle finger salute, and I can't read lips, but, you should be ashamed of yourself.  I had it coming, though.  Deciding that picking my own song while driving was not the best idea, I am a quick learner that way, I resigned myself to listening to "This Traveling Around," by Lyle Lovett, and try to snap myself out of it with extra coffee.

Then it hit me, Siri!  She was waiting in my phone, just aching to help me.  "Siri," I said, "how about we listen to "Supernaturally," by Nick Cave?"

Siri said, "Ok, let's listen to 'Supernaturally'" and it started playing.  Technology is great.  I love it!  And I love you, Siri.  I may leave my wife for you, she never lets me pick the song.

If my wife reads this, I am only kidding, you are still the girl in all my dreams.  And your lasagna is heavenly.

Technology Explained

It has been several weeks since technology landed here and life was altered by the addition of an iPhone.  It has been a whirlwind of activity.  Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, all waiting.  It was a fresh beginning.  Smart phones are a blessing, sent from the heavens to reward us for living so long with a phone that was tethered to a wall.  Today we will discuss the time saving, multi-tasking abilities of the iPhone.

Everyday you see countless people driving, robot like, both hands on the wheel, both eyes on the road, machines, scanning the traffic ahead and judiciously using the mirrors to watch behind.  Cautiously looking for potential problems.  Think of all that down time, wasted.  Fools!

Smart phone users, on the other hand, are answering emails, sending text messages, scheduling appointments.  Using all of that wasted time driving to get things done.

Just this morning, on the way to work, I surfed the net for a recipe for dinner tonight (found one using cheese and ground beef patties, might be good), updated my Facebook status, "driving to work, 75 mph, passing doofus in Festiva, flipped him off."  And I liked it, too.  Took a few pictures and posted them to Instagram, titled, "Nice day for a drive, enjoying the scenery"  Answered an email from some guy that has a time share plan that will make me rich.  "Not interested, still waiting on a big fat check from Nigeria" (I was tempted, but how much money can one person use?).  All while rocking and rolling to the Jim Carroll Band performing "People Who Died."

Plus, somehow, during the spasm of productivity that my commute has become with the addition of "SMART" phone technology, I managed to top my high score on "Angry Birds, On the Road, Again"

Not only that, but I am typing and posting this right on the 5th Avenue curve, the maelstrom that has taken so many careless souls over the years.  In case my wife reads this, that was just a joke, I am not really writing this while driving our car, at 75 miles an hour, on the 5th Avenue curve.  It was just a joke.

Anyway, I am here, time to go make coffee.  Have a nice day, and stay connected, it is what separates us from the animals.  Please tune in next week when we cover minor home surgery thanks to YouTube tutorials, in a post titled "Thanks to the iPhone, you don't need to be a physician to heal thyself!"  Or, "Go ahead and try this at home."

Welcome, Friend, Iss. 1, Vol. 2

My friend Bil has a new iPhone, his first.  Bil is very technically sophisticated, one time he broke the screen on his iPod Touch, and replaced it himself, and it worked!  He never needed to prove his electronic prowess to any of us ever again.  Why it took him this long to get an iPhone lies somewhere beyond the scope of reason.  He had an iPod, and an iPod Touch before any of us, and he had the first iPad in the warehouse.  Further, to make maximum use of his time, he had the device constantly at the ready.  If he was waiting for the elevator he would have iPod in hand performing some small screen gaming miracle, saving or obliterating entire communities, playing chess with people from across the world, making words where there were only tiles, or moving cargo from point A to point B in a speedy, efficient, point producing manner, all with a casual gesture of his thumb, while firmly holding a coffee cup in his other hand.  Honestly it is poetry in motion.

Bil is the person who really impressed upon me the power of the iPod.  He showed me a slide show he had assembled using pictures of his son on a carousel, deftly adding speech bubbles and musical accompaniment, taking simple pictures and turning them into a powerful, moving presentation where fantasy and reality combine to make magic.  It changed my iPod touch from a simple game playing, music listening wonder into a trans-formative electronic machine with supernatural powers of transmogrification   An act for which my wife has never forgiven him.  Since they don't often see each other it is not a big deal for either.

As is plain to see Bil and the iPhone are made to be together, it was inevitable.  In many ways it was like a heavyweight boxing match, (incidentally, Bil is the only person I know who has ever participated in chess boxing, not that it has anything to do with this, but it is another interesting fact about Bil), where Bil and the iPhone were circling, waiting, feinting, jabbing, counter jabbing, (not unlike a date, really) until they could no longer stay apart.  And in a mad rush to the center of the ring they opened on each other with a flurry of lefts, rights, hay-makers, and round houses, punch after brutal punch, locked in a death match, pounding away at each other until they were both lying, flat on their backs, unable to move in the center of the ring, as the referee counted them both out. Well, maybe not quite like that.

Let's just say it was long overdue.  So, wherever you may be reading this, whatever else you may be doing, please put that aside and join me in giving Bil a round of applause.  He may only have one L but he has an iPhone, plus, he is a pretty cool guy.

Procrastination, the Secret to Productivity.

Often it has been said, "Procrastination is the thief of time."   Probably by some "crusty, old codger" (that quote was brought to you by Gale from Scotland, soon to be Gale from Berlin, and at one time, Gale from the US, she puts the ex in expatriate), who has no imagination, no internet access and no cable tv.  Some boring, dull, small minded work-a-holic, friendless and alone.  Really, they are to be pitied, and we here at life explained are attempting to disprove this common misconception, and welcome these poor souls into the fold.

Suppose there is a something due on Monday morning, first thing.  Let's say it is a poem, for English class, it has to be written in iambic pentameter, with a rhyming scheme ABAB, CDCD, with three verses and a couplet.  Any fool can tell you a decent poem will take about an hour, give or take, depending on how technical a poet wants to get with schemes, consistency and subject.  It is a little known fact that Coleridge wrote "Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner" in one eight hour shift, with two 15 minute breaks, and an hour for lunch, with no overtime, but he was an experienced production poet with years of training and a degree from ITT, not everybody is able to match that kind of pace.

At 8:00 on Sunday evening a poet decides to open a tasty pop/soda/cola (please choose your preferred noun, we are comfortable with any) and get started.  But, that one show (that show people at school are talking about, it sounds cool) is just starting, and it looks pretty good this week.  "Well, I will just work on the poem, during commercials," the poet reasons, poets are very reasonable people.  But, the commercials are really just little shows, who doesn't love them?

"Ok, after this show" the poet thinks.  But, there is another good show, and maybe another cold drink, and some salty snacks, and a candy bar, and, hey isn't there an ice cream sandwich in the freezer a sandwich with ice cream, what a great invention.  Dang, this show is better than the last.  Who would have figured it was the sheriff embezzling money and murdering the mayor.  That was wild.

Now it's 11:00, and our poet/hero is a little tired.  Being the pragmatic type he thinks "I will just set the alarm an hour early, get up and have some oat meal and fresh fruit, and hammer out a masterpiece."  Now, our hero is thinking, what a plan.  Poets are so pragmatic.

Of course, our hero presses the snooze button so many times the alarm clock finally gets disgusted and adjusts the radio station to some awful metal station and the volume to deafening.  When the poet finally rolls out of bed it is almost time to leave, no poem, no coffee and no oatmeal, or fruit.

Uh oh, this calls for action.  Our poet uses his tooth brush to brush his teeth and comb his hair as he is rushing down the stairs, drives frantically to the gas station and grabs a cup of coffee, and a bunless hot dog for breakfast, and writes his poem on his iPhone as he drives to school.  Technology has long been a friend of the arts, you know?

From this scientific experiment we have seen that procrastination did not steal time from our poet/hero, quite the opposite.  Due to effective time management, he figured a way to watch two shows on tv, not only did he not get up early he slept in for an extra thirty five minutes, got his poem written, (the topic was "typing while you drive, it makes you feel alive), and discovered that toothpaste offers all day hold as a hair gel, and a hot dog tastes so much better when used to stir "aerated, non-dairy creamer" and sugar into coffee.  For a net gain of two hours and 15 minutes, after allowing for inflation.

So, don't rush into things, life is too short.  Watch a little tv, and make some pop corn please, we are famished.

Somber, sort of, happy, kind of, news.

Today we will take a more serious look at life.  Maudlin, melancholy introspection, and self doubt are the words for Monday, particularly this Monday. 

To preface, several years ago I got a phone, but not just a phone, an MP3 player, phone combination, that had a camera, and  a wifi receiver.  It was a joy, and we shared many happy memories.  Microsoft and Sharp collaborated to bring me this little marvel, the Microsoft, Kin 2M.  Oh, sure it was almost impossible to find one, three stores, an Internet search and several phone calls, and all they had to say was, "we are out, and you are out of luck."  But, a sales rep from Verizon stopped into where I work and through the black arts of electronic manipulation found one in a warehouse in Tennessee (a lovely state, by the way).  There was much celebrating.

But, a storm was brewing on the Horizon.  My youngest son got an iPod Touch, and would torment me with the it's enormous potential and ability.  "Hey, Dad, look at this, look what this 'app' will do."  I tried to be strong, but eventually my will power crumbled, and I convinced my lovely, and talented wife, (who has learned to suffer foolishness more or less gladly) that I NEEDED one.  It was great, I started making dog cartoons, and posting to blogs and facebook, and became an image addicted addict. 

But, my phone and I still shared many traits, we were both fussy, cranky, more or less working devices.  And, we still had fun, listening to music, making phone calls, sending text messages, and taking pictures.  It was still a mutual admiration and love relationship.

Darkness began to descend on our happy relationship.  We got an iPad, and things started changing, my pictures from my iPod would automatically show up on my iPad, and they shared so many apps, and it was so easy to go from one to the other.  But, the Kin was still my first love.

Tragedy struck, my oldest son got an iPhone.  Curse you!!!  The taunts were constant and merciless "Hey, dad, watch this, it is great."  Then it was all over.  What could I do, except convince my wife, the little less tolerant now, love of my life, that my life was not complete without one. 

Now, my phone is the sleek iPhone you see pictured above, and my Kin is no more, I traded it in for a $25.00 gift card, and it will never brighten my spirits again.  Damn you, frugality.  I love my new phone, but, it will never be my Kin. 

Looking back, I should have named it Richard so I could now loosely quote Steely Dan,

"We've seen the last of Good Kin Richard,
ring out the past, his name lives on."

But, I didn't, what a wasted opportunity, so I will quote Uncle Tupelo, instead, who sang,

"I'm going where there's no depression
To a better land that's free from care
I'll leave this world of toil and trouble
My home's in heaven
I'm going there"

Good bye, old Kin.  

Please, everybody, around the world, join me in a moment of silence.
PS. If you run across me on Twitter, or Instagram, or Tumblr, or, anywhere else in the virtual universe of social networking, stop by and say hello.  And, tell my wife how much my iPhone helps me make your life better, it will make her happy.