New Technology, New Cars.

Apple and Google are locked in a battle for market share.  It can be heated, at least among the users of the respective products.  It is unclear if the companies are as venomously opposed as the fans, but there is plenty of vitriol to go around.  With billions of consumer dollars at stake the gigantic, monolithic corporations are pushing the boundaries of innovation, and creating the barely believable as part of the routine.

From tablets to smart phones to "wearables" (little computers you wear, watches, and bracelets, mostly, that will alert you to incoming calls, emails, text messages and Hellfire missiles, not really, actually I don't know what they do, and I have thought about this a lot, way more than is probably healthy, what can you actually accomplish on a touch screen the size of a watch?  Type out an email, or a text message, watch a YouTube video, read an ebook?  Probably, you could do any of these things, but it would be a terribly restricted experience.

What's the point, just walking around saying "I have a smart watch"

"What time is it?"

"Time?  Oh, time of day time, here let me access that function, just a simple swipe, a little tap, Oh, dammit, maybe if I sweep, no, maybe a sweeping motion, shoot, it's about 11:00.  Want to watch this cat video?  I think it's a cat, it might be a bear, or a car."...  Oops, sorry about that, wearables are the next wave of technology, and are a viable computational device with limitless potential).

Anyway, back to the point of this, I heard that Apple was developing a "Smart Automobile Technology."  Google has been working feverishly, and noisily on their car, and the competition is fierce.  It is a mad dash to driverless cars.

Apple, and Google both imagine a day when people will be free to set behind the wheel of an automobile, and goof around with their phone, enjoy a cup of coffee, or even a donut, or breakfast sandwich on the way to work.   A day when commuters are free to cruise along the freeway with little or no concern for traffic laws, common sense, or the safety of other drivers.

Wait a minute, that already happens, all over the place.  Maybe these companies aren't so innovative after all.  Here is a a video I took while undercover for big oil, and large insurance conglomerates, who would like to keep everybody blind to the realities of monopoly, and wriggling to pay their bills, and terrified of what would happen when...  Oops sorry, that was not supposed to slip.

Don't forget to check out my new blog, as soon as it is written, that is.  It will be about history, a subject that is a lot more interesting than you might imagine.  Plus, there is so much of it, I will never run out of material.

Another Disaster in the Midwest.

Presidential election rhetoric is heating up, and the news cycles are shortening.  It is an exciting, exhilarating phenomenon.  An anthropological dream.  If history has taught us anything (for the most part, it hasn't, but we will be exploring that in detail, later, on another blog) it is that this is the precursor, an introduction to the real devastation.

Typically, the tremors start to be felt in Iowa.  Already the politicians are sending in reconnaissance forces, to occupy key facilities, and spread misinformation, and propaganda.  

Iowa is ground zero for this disaster.  This wide, sparsely populated state of rolling hills, farmland and windmills, always seems to invite the wrath of these political monsters.  With a quiet dignity, born of hard work and toil, they don't complain.

A caucus is not like a primary, it is a gathering of people who decide what to have for dinner, normally a sandwich, like a hamburger, only instead of a patty it is just a pile of fried ground beef heaped on a bun, wrapped snugly in wax paper, and served hot.   Iowans (people from Iowa) love these things.   

Facing difficult odds with grim determination is part of their heritage, and this sandwich is a lesson in the trials of life.   Picking up the sandwich, take a bite, and watch most of the contents slide into their lap, leaving a nasty stain, and possibly second degree burns.    Without complaint, and with a silent, fatalistic acceptance they eat their "loose meat" sandwiches, have their drink, and then get to the business of "caucusing."  Serious business, indeed.  

Instead of voting, they discuss, and talk, and debate the relative merits of the various candidates, and then they vote, either by writing their choice on a scrap of paper, perhaps a sandwich wrapper, after brushing all of the loose hamburger onto a plate.  Or, by standing in a group.  

After the count is tallied, they have Blue Bunny ice cream (from LeMars, the Ice Cream Capital of the World, we recommend the "Bunny Tracks" it is, without a doubt, the ice cream of the gods).  No, not really, that would be too simple, tasty and cooperative for  presidential politics.  They start negotiating, and changing sides, and bickering, and arguing, and it can get pretty heated, not unlike a family reunion, only not so likely to end in a fist fight.  

Soon, people are unconcerned with who they vote for, and just want to go home, it is Iowa in January, and the temperature outside is approaching too cold for description, and they have to go to work tomorrow, and the election is a not for quite some time.  Most of them would vote for anybody if the guy in the front of the room would just stop talking, and let them go home.  

The next day, all of the cameras, and news people, and candidates will pack up their stuff, and drive to New Hampshire, and the business of being an Iowan can be resumed.  Of course, the rest of the nation is bracing for impact, preparing halls for the coming invasion, and laying in supplies for the eventual siege, no one is safe.

This message was bought to you by Life Explained, and the Citizens United for Political Sanity (actually "citizens united" is a little generous, there is only one right now, if you would like to join just add your alias in comments, don't use your real name, "political sanity" will definitely get you in trouble).

Time for a Change, and Time to Stay the Same.

It was a great workout last night.  I have added 15 pounds to all of the resistance machines, and two new exercises.  Today, I feel euphoric.  Exercise gives a great deal of pleasure, but it does demand a little pain.  It is worth every second, though.  I do need to use the treadmill, elliptical machine, or exercise bike with a little more vigor.  Tomorrow is my next trip, Look out Cardio, here I come.  

This gym is fantastic, it is free for one thing, and when I go there is hardly anyone there.  Plus, I am the only one who ever uses the resistance machines, at least during my visits.  Most of the people who use the gym are in a condition similar to mine.  They are older, and just trying to stay even with gravity.  I fit right in.  

Of course, it is in an auxiliary high school building, after school is dismissed, so occasionally you will have a couple of high schoolers winding up the treadmills to about 55 miles an hour, talking, and laughing, and just being all kinds of healthy and happy, and irritating as all hell!  Punks!  Just turn up the pod cast, wipe the sweat from my face, and think "someday that will be difficult for you, also."

Last night was the Mongol invasion of Jin China.  And, this post was supposed to cover that, but there are a couple of problems.  First, it was huge, way too big for one small post.  Second, it was brutal.  Since I have started working out, and listening to history podcasts, and reading to fill in details left uncovered, I have learned that people are animals.  

Yes, the Mongols fought savagely, and won barbarically, but they were not really unique.  Not in the results of the victory, certainly, they were probably unique in the number of conquests, but the results were unchanged.

From the earliest recorded times winners have been ruthless.  There is no reason to believe that it was not the same before someone started cataloging the events.  Assyrians, Huns, Vandals, Goths, probably as far back as Tuthmose, ("the Napoleon of Egypt) but I am still researching that.  And, it doesn't seem we have changed all that much.  Which makes me a little apprehensive about our future. 

I do plan to write about these things, but, this blog was created for me to have a little fun, lately I have forgotten that.  So, I am going to start another blog, for my headlong dive into the past.  I will post a link, if you want to follow.  And, I will get back to the nonsense that makes me happy here.  

Thank you, all it has been fun, and I view you all as friends.

Sincerely,

Tim 

History Explained, Part 1. Not Part 1 of History, though.

Eight months ago I had my yearly appointment with my doctor.  He is a very nice man, normally, and he takes pretty good care of my whole family.  But, he was a little upset about elevated cholesterol, and a few extra pounds.  After hearing my admission that taking my medicine was not high on my list of priorities, he was was stern.

Telling me about the risks associated with the things he felt I was ignoring, he went on, at length.  I sat, on that examination table, looking at my feet, being scolded, criticized, and feeling ashamed.  One by one he detailed my risks, as I looked around the small room, thinking of escape, there were posters, and signs about insurance, and co-pays, and the need to use the proper code for a visit.  Apparently, this doctors office would not call a procedure an emergency, to save a patient from having to meet a deductible, or call a cold a chronic illness.  There was nothing about humiliation anywhere, I hoped our insurance covered disgrace.

I was soft, and he was right, I had no discipline, too lazy even to get up and take my medicine, it was embarrassing, and I vowed to do something about it.  Oatmeal for breakfast, medicine every night, fruit and vegetables constantly.  It was a start.

Then, my wife told me they had opened the gym at the school where she works to spouses.  It was a ticket to redemption.  Going three times a week, and feeling good about myself.  My body is shaping up, and thanks to the miracle of podcasts, so was my mind.  I have been diving into history podcasts with the enthusiasm of an evangelist called to witness, and each episode makes me hungry for more, and each workout makes me want to push myself a little harder next time.  In four months I will march into the doctors office a changed man.

So, here is the first installment of History at the Gym.

"After us the people of our race will wear garments of gold.  They will eat sweet, greasy food, ride splendid corsairs, hold in their arms the loveliest of women.  And they will forget they owe these things to us."  Genghis Khan.

Genghis Khan was born into war, at least into a endless battle to stay alive.  He lived his life in a constant state of arms, and conquest.  And, though, the Mongols had no written history at the time there was certainly stories told about ancestors who had unified the nomadic tribes, and swept down with a vengeance on the sedentary people, smashing, destroying, a force of unbelievable ferocity, only to be seduced by the eases and comfort of genteel society.   Genghis Khan probably understood the peril that faced his descendants was more insidious than destructive.  A gradual softening, a process of assimilation, and he probably understand how powerless he was against this irresistible force.

But, that was not a problem when he invaded The Western Xia Dynasty.  Leading his forces through a complete destruction of the Northern Portion of the Xi Xia.  Mongol intelligence gathering was phenomenal, and Genghis Khan was an expert at using the internal strife of his enemies to drive them apart.  This may have been a common tactic among Steppe nomads, but it was certainly a strength of Genghis Khan.

Knowing well that the Tanguts, and Jurchen tribes would not support each other, and that the ethnic Chinese did not care for either tribe, Khan drove through the Tanguts, leaving cities destroyed, and the landscape riddled with destruction.  It was a complete rout, and the Tanguts were powerless against the highly mobile, disciplined Mongol army.

After sieging the fortress at Kiemen, (a heavily fortified, well provisioned garrison guarding the only pass through the Helan mountains) the Mongols were unable to breach the defenses.  One of the most widely used tactics of the Mongol army was the feigned retreat.  It seemed to work almost every time, even when it was known in advance.  Perhaps there is a mentality in a fighting unit that forces them to pursue a retreating foe, an uncontrollable instinct to destroy, that will not allow any discretionary behavior.  And, it worked superbly.  The army of approximately 120,000 men flowed from the fortress, and were slaughtered (a fairly common result).

Finally, slowed by the walled capitol city, Ke-wo-luo-hai, the Khan's army began a siege.  Steppe nomads historically had trouble with walled, fortified cities, and Khan's army was no different, at this early point.  Using the slaves captured in the campaign they began to dam the Yellow river.  Damming a river is dangerous and difficult, and it did not work as planned.  The water flooded the Mongol camp, and they were forced to move to higher ground.  But, the Tanguts, knowing that the enemy facing them was not simply raiding, and was an threat to their very existence, most of their empire had been destroyed, and the Jurchen were not coming to help so they felt it prudent to negotiate.  

They gave gold, silver, silk, and all sorts of good stuff to the Mongols, and promised to be at their beck and call.  A promise they later reneged on, which turned out to be a hideous mistake. 

So, the Mongols have installed a buffer between themselves and the Jin Dynasty, received a lot of good stuff,  And created a lot of problems, killed a lot of people and went back to plan, and learn.  That is what they did.  Genghis Khan probably never learned to read, but he knew how to learn, and he could lead.  And he was just getting started.

Tonight, we have the treadmill, an added 15 pounds to each of the resistance machines and the campaign against the Jin Dynasty.

Life Explained Explains History (at least the interesting bits).

Our weekend was big, too big to explain in something so finite as a blog post.  So we are going to examine the history of the world.  Well, not the whole world, that would take a while, and we don't have that much time.  We will settle for the more readable (maybe) portion of world history that involves human beings...

Research indicates that might be a little ambitious for a single entry in a humble blog, so we have decided to write a post about the times when humans were at war, or actively involved in empire building, regime change, or in some state of conflict with their geographic neighbors...

Since that seems to cover most of the history of the human existence, we are going to need to make this a series of blog posts.  A string of thoughtfully researched, carefully written lessons in the history of mankind.   Well, maybe not too carefully researched, or thoughtful.  But, since this is coming to you as a free service, from your friends, here at Life Explained what do you have to lose?  Besides a few minutes of your time, your patience, and any belief you had in the inherent decency of humanity.

 Documenting the never ending attempts of mankind to subjugate, enslave and control his fellow man is not an easy task, and it probably has already been done, several times, but we have never been one to back away from a challenge, at least not an easy challenge.  When things start getting difficult, well you know the old saying "when the going gets tough, the tough get going," and so do we, as far, and as fast as possible, to someplace much easier.  But reading, listening, and interpreting a few facts is probably simple enough, and if it gets too hard we will just quit.

To make this one stand out, and stick in your memory we are going to add pictures depicting...  Wait, we were just informed people have been adding pictures to history lessons fro years to make it more interesting.

Not to scale.

Ok, we will add our efforts at exercise and self improvement to add a unique touch to the history of the world.  Which seems only right.  While exercising we listen to history podcasts, piquing our interest in a subject.  After leaving the gym we go over to the library (which is conveniently located just feet from the gym, (about 500 feet, but still convenient)) for books about the subject of the podcast.  A truly addictive circle we admit.  And now, we are dragging you into this.   We are sorry.

We will start with Genghis Khan, and his incursions into the Western Xia Dynasty of China.   It was his first real invasion, and provided many lessons.  The Mongol army was not much for book learning, but they adapted quickly, "enlisted" skilled local people to assist, and were almost supernatural in their ability gather and interpret 

So, buckle in, grab a coffee, or tea, or wine, beer or bourbon, depending on your taste, and get ready for tomorrow, and the first part of our history of the world.   There is a lot to cover, we are already behind, (history just keeps piling up everywhere we look) and there will be a test.

Jellyfish Free Vacation, Central Ohio.

Today we are going to discuss the ingratitude of the animal kingdom.  Of course kingdom might indicate some form of cooperation, or leadership, but that is clearly not the case, so for the sake of this post we are going to discuss the ingratitude of the animal post game riot.  We do a lot for animals, and they don't always appreciate the effort. 

Take for instance, global warming,  ok, not everybody agrees that global warming is real, or really our fault, but mostly that seems political, but, it is probably real, and we are probably to blame and we should accept that fact.  Of course, we should also accept the fact that if it is real, and we are to blame greed, selfishness, and the inertia of government, society and mankind in general will probably prevent any efforts to ameliorate the problems, and a solution, no matter how feasible, inexpensive, or painless will be ignored.  

Which is not to say we shouldn't try to discuss the issue, but we should be prepared for failure.  That is really the lot of our future, to scrimmage in endless debate over issues that should bring us together.  No matter how large the dilemma, no matter how important the problem there will always be some who will claim there is nothing.  We can always find the means to bicker, to see differences, but we can never see the similarities, it is sad, but what can you do?

Of course, global warming (and for the sake of this post, please put aside your skepticism, and assume I am right, in fact, that might just be a good idea anytime you are reading anything around here) is not good for all of the animals.  It certainly hasn't done the polar bears, or Emperor Penguins any favors.  But, Jellyfish are really thriving.  Warmer waters, and rising oceans are like a luxury condo for jelly fish.

If you don't know much about jelly fish you are very lucky.  Many of them are toxic, terrible harbingers of doom.  Box jellyfish are kind of square (which in not really natural for an animal to begin with) and among the most venomous creatures in the world.  Box Jellyfish venom is a neurotoxin, attacking nervous system, which is an important part of living.  This can cause heart attacks, organ failure, and death.  It also may have a necrotic effect, causing the death of skin cells, and scarring.  Which is pretty mild compared to death.  It is the deadliest creature in the ocean, according to examiner.com the Box Jellyfish kills  fifteen to thirty times more people than the Great White Shark.

Thanks to global warming Jellyfish are reproducing faster, living longer and growing larger, and stinging more.  Of all the ingrateful, deceitful, seditious acts, it is difficult to imagine a less appropriate response to such a caring act, coincidental though it was.  

When you couple the increased size of the Jellyfish population, not to mention the increased size of the individual Jellyfish, rising oceans and submerged beaches it spells big trouble.  Imagine the day when coastal communities deal with artificially inflated restaurant food prices, streets crowded with tourists, humidity, and toxic, aggressive, almost invisible creatures with dozens of tentacles, each equipped with hundreds of venom delivery hypodermic syringes.  Well, maybe you shouldn't imagine that, it is not an appealing thought.  


This might be an excellent time to plan that vacation to Central Ohio.  We are here to make sure you have a good time.  We have a wonderful Zoo, with a very small, passive aquarium, a thriving entertainment district, and a professional hockey team.  Plus we are home to few venomous species of any kind, we did try to attract the Political Conventions of both parties, but fortunately they said no.  So, we are almost politician free as well.

Friday the Thirteenth, Valentines Day, and Falling Anvils, Oh No.

It is Friday the Thirteenth.  And tomorrow is Saint Valentine's Day. Both of these days carry ominous, horrible imagery.  A little known fact, there have been several Saint Valentine's Day Massacres. Most of them involve an angry wife who did not want a new SwifterÔ for this special day. Of course, what she did want was hidden behind layers of subterfuge, and guile, guerilla gift exchange.

 
Women are experts at misinformation. Leading a poor, unsuspecting man along a fairy tale path, singing birds, and dancing rabbits lining the trail. Out of nowhere an anvil* will drop on his foot. While the poor sap is dancing around on one foot, holding the other in both hands, tears streaming down his face, pain choking his ability to hear or understand, she will follow along explaining what he did wrong, at the top of her lungs.

 
"Well, if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine." She will say, walking away, as he drops onto his back, waiting for next snow to come and cover him

 
But, it is all worth it. All of the pain, all of the torment, all of the doubt, all of the half crazed attacks of desperate, paranoid imagination, these are a small price to pay. Walking into the school building where I go to the gym, seeing my wife smile at me. Calling her and hearing her voice, these make life worth living. Mignon Mclaughlin said "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." And, she was right.

 
So, to everybody who made it this far, thanks for reading, it hasn't always been easy, maybe it never was. To my wife, Happy Valentine's Day, we should do it again next year. I can't imagine life without you, and I have a pretty good imagination.

 

 
*Studies conducted by Acme Cartoon Products indicate an anvil carries the optimal, comic payload for a smashed foot. A piano is an acceptably hilarious method to smash a whole person but is too large and indiscriminate for a target as small as a foot. Wives are free to use whichever device is at hand, of course.

Exercise, Domination, and History, another Wednesday.

Yesterday work was physically demanding, lifting, carrying, moving stuff around, it was taxing.  But, it was a gym day, and since I had my clothes with me, and it normally makes me feel better, I went.  Intending to take it easy, and just work off a little workday stiffness, the treadmill seemed like a great place to start.

Starting slowly, and picking up the pace quickly, it soon became obvious that the workout would be a good one.  I pushed myself, driving my heart rate up, and maintaining it for quite a while.  Repeating this several times, I was sweaty, warm and euphoric.  

My weights on the resistance machines were the highest they have ever been, and I pushed myself to the last possible repetition.   It was exhilarating, and I felt great.  Today, I am a little sore, and stiff.  But, it is rejuvenating, I feel so good about my efforts.  If you are thinking about starting to work out, you should jump in, slowly, steadily, and knowing you will not regret it.

Last nights podcast was a repeat, "Prophet's of Doom" from Hardcore History, by Dan Carlin.  This was the podcast that kicked off my whole, unhealthy obsession with history.  Mr. Carlin is so enthusiastic about the past, it is unshakable.  This podcast is about the city of Munster, in Germany, and the events that led to the execution of several people for heresy, and sedition.  It was a pretty hideous execution.   But, the events that led to the occupation, eventual siege and capture of the city were, to me, as compelling as the events in Munster. 

This podcast explains in some detail the reasons for, and results of, the Protestant Reformation.  Dan Carlin is an expert at building tension, and a fantastic story teller who seems to love his craft.  I have listened to his entire catalog.

Looking back, the Protestant Reformation kicked over an apple cart filled with momentous events, and radical change.  Luther set off a firestorm of change that had effects that are impossible to measure, even today.  And, there are very few podcasts on the subject.  

That is the problem with history, there is so much of it.  So many things happened, and all of them probably affected the world in ways that are still felt today.  Even if you disregard the influence events had on our world there is still a lot of terribly interesting,l terrible,  things that happened in the past.  

Assyrians did not negotiate much.

That is the problem with podcasts, there aren't enough of them explaining things that happened so long ago.  Yes, there are some very good series, but there they barely scratch the surface of times past.

Take, for example, the Assyrians.  A fascinating story of a state gone from merchantry to militancy, learning the best ways to reduce resistance and encourage compliance along the way.  There are just not many good podcasts about them.  So, I have to resort to reading books, printed on paper, like an animal.  This is crazy.  What's next, cave paintings?

Music, the Grammys, and and Ingenuity.

According to Variety Sunday night's Grammy Award Show hit a 6 year low.  With an 8.5 rating in adults 18 to 49 and 25.3 million viewers the show was down 14% from last year.  This is significant.  With the shifting logistics of music delivery the economics of the industry are changing.  Pharrell Williams' song "Happy" (one of the most popular, catchy, cheerful songs ever written) was played 43 million times in the first quarter of 2014 on Pandora paying a tidy little sum of $2700.00.  This can not make him very happy.  Obviously, music needs to find new ways to attract an audience, and stay solvent.

Kanye West has been making repeated attempts to liven up the ceremony.  Inject a little life into the staid, lifeless proceedings only to be spurned by the very industry he is struggling to save.  However, there is some movement at the top.

There are plans to the song of the year award decided in a "Survivor" style competition.  Singers will need to crawl across a rope bridge suspended over a pit filled with ice water (filtered, carbonated mineral water, of course) while singing the nominated composition.  Competitors will try to knock them off of the bridge by hurling insults, slander, recriminations, and tennis balls.  The contestant who crosses the pit the quickest will receive immunity, and be allowed to choose the competition used to decide the Grammy for New Artist of the year.  There is even talk of having the oscar winners face the grammy winners in a paintball contest.  This is very exciting, but that is only the beginning.

Hulk Hogan is going to give out the Grammy for Artist of the Year.  When the award is handed out Nature Boy Rick Flair is going to come storming in Stage Left, and smash a chair over the head of...  Wait, I can't tell you who is going to win the Grammy, contractual obligations.  Flair will climb up on the top rope, leap down and deliver a "Devastating Flying Body Slam of Doom" just as the grammy winner rolls from the ring, and is replaced by The Rock, who smiles winningly at the audience, while delivering a "The Peoples Elbow" to the prone Rick Flair, and accepting the award on behalf of the incapacitated recipient, whose identity is secret.  You are going to want to tune in for that.

Things seem to be in good hands.  Another national industry saved from financial collapse by solid American Know How, and a can do it spirit.  It brings a tear to the eye.

Grammys for Everybody

Last night was the annual presentation of the grammys.  It is a show that lasts a long time, and is filled with song and dance, and awards being given.  Apparently the awards are given based on..., they are given to people who..., they are earned by...  Honestly, I am not sure how they are awarded, and honestly I don't even know who won these awards.  I didn't watch.

It does seem that some people are upset about who won certain awards.  But, it would be difficult to choose an award winner without some quantifiable standards.  And music, really art of any type would fall into that category.  How do you judge Artist of the Year?  It has to be personal taste, and everybody knows how fickle that can be.

Obviously, there is no way to choose that one album, song, singer, or band to be "album, song, singer, or band of the year" without making somebody unhappy.  Of course, no matter what tastes you have, or opinion you hold about a type of music, or a particular singer, or band, anybody who has following enough to qualify for inclusion deserves something.

In these times, with the tension, and turmoil, coursing through society we should look more at a participation trophy.  "We would like to start this years show with the Artist of the Year," and everybody in the audience would walk single file up to the stage, and collect their artist of the year trophy.

Nobody would get their feelings hurt, nobody would feel left out, and we could eliminate a lot of speeches.  Speeches that can be a little tiring, maybe a little preachy, and sometimes can be freighted and irritating.  Everybody wins, everybody  is happy, and some lucky trophy maker makes some serious dinero.

Sponsors could offset the cost of trophies.  "The Arby's Reuben Artist of the Year Trophy, bought to you by Arby's Reuben Sandwich, with a side of potato cakes, and a cold drink all for $5.99*"

Imagine how happy the viewers will be, watching from home, a big bowl of potato chips, a glass of iced tea, and the television remote, when they can leap to their feet, screaming with joy "I knew (insert favorite singer here) would win!"  Snacks and drinks flying everywhere.  A scene repeated across the country, as one happy person follows another celebrating the righteous triumph of artistic endeavor.

You know, this is such a good idea, we should start thinking about foreign policy.  Imagine the potential.



*Not the Real Price, well, it might be the real price, we aren't sure,if it is right please
let us know, we have no plans for lunch.

Fridays Workout, The Best One Yet.

Last night was the end of week (I am not sure, it was either 4 or 5)? at the gym. It was empty, which is nice, in a way. Rows of equipment standing still, watching me, waiting to see which one I would pick, you could hear the "oooh, pick me, pick me."

 
Working out in an empty gym is nice, it makes me feel dedicated, I could hear the theme song from Rocky playing in my head. I wish they would install a "heavy bag," it would make the image complete, a "speed bag" would do nothing to further the dream, unless you count the Marx Brothers Boxing Academy as part of the dream. When done properly a speed bag is art, when not used correctly it is a ridiculous dance, it looks absurd, and I am not even that good.

 
I used a treadmill, and an elliptical machine, and really pushed myself. I got my heartrate higher than any of my previous workouts, and held it longer. I don't care for exercise bikes, the traditional type is distasteful, but the recumbent kind is terrible. It feels silly, and unnatural, and I will only use them when the other machines are used.

 
Actually, my standards have become much broader. In the beginning there had to be a one machine buffer zone, which is still preferred, but not necessary. Last night I started on the elliptical machine, which was, I thought, my favorite, but moved to a treadmill, which now I know, is my favorite. Elliptical machines are good, but it does not seem as natural as a treadmill, picking 'em up and putting 'em down is the original form of transportation, and I am nothing if not a traditionalist.

 
Moving on to the resistance machines. I increased the weight, and pushed as hard as possible. More weight than any precious attempt. It was refreshing, invigorating, fantastic, and terrible. Straining, pushing, and trying to remember to breathe correctly. Inhale, exhale, repeat. Sore muscles, aching and stiffness, it was a glorious feeling walking down the endless staircase and across the miles of barren, salty, grey asphalt to my car. Somehow the soreness made the whole scene a little brighter.


Last night's podcast was "The Character Called the Writer" from Writing Challenges. I would like to tell you about it, but there were a lot of instructions, and a couple of pauses to write them down. Since I was in the middle of an "Arm Blaster", a particularly cruel portion of the workout on an elliptical machine, pulling with your arms until your shoulders and elbows ache, and your ego is bruised because you know it looks preposterous. 

Since I was the only one, it was probably ok. But, I didn't have a chance to write down the instructions. It reminded me of High School. Who had time to take notes while trying to blend in, not be noticed and facing the abject terror that the teacher may actually ask you to answer the question you didn't hear. Who had time?

 

 
    

Choosing Is Hard, Let Us Do It For You.

Life is a long trip down a difficult path, and there are a lot of choices to be made.  Each decision has consequences.  Most times, though, those are hidden, and it is only after the path has been chosen does the payment come due.  It is really an awful way to live.  

Meeting the what seems to be the perfect person, dating, proposing, or being proposed to, brings joy, there is no time things have looked brighter, or happier.  Turns out your spouse seems to have the disposition of the antichrist, and the personal hygiene of a skunk, but the contract has been signed, anointed by God, and approved by the state.  Being married to a person you can't stand makes a person angry, and less concerned about cleanliness. Dang, that was a bad choice.  

A dream job appears, chasing it consumes a person.  A resume filled with lies, and false achievements, dreamy accomplishments, and fictional duties and responsibilities, who wouldn't hire that person?  But, all of those skills are needed for this position, it is demanding and beyond the scope of the applicant, turning the boss into a hateful, loathsome caricature of a human.  Incomplete responsibilities, unmet expectations and a slothful performance can have that effect on a person.  But, leaving the last job burned too many bridges, and this is life for a while, bad idea.

Walking blindly through life is frightening.  Knowing that mistakes are going to be made is probably not much reassurance.  We here at Life Explained are here to help.

Welcome to the Life Explained University.  Where, for the small fee of $25.00 a month (17 Celsius), we will teach you to make decisions based on The Scientific Principle of Absolute Certainty.   Please, examine the chart below about making the decision to buy a dog.

Should I buy a dog?

Of course this is a very simple option, much easier than deciding whether you should run for President, for example.  We can help you make that choice.  I think we all know who needs our help with that choice, don't we?  Give us a call, of course it will be a little more than the $25.00 fee, but, it is a tough choice, one that requires a lot of circles, boxes, and lines.

You see, presidential hopefuls come to us for help deciding if they should run, if they have any brains at all, which is not a requirement for public office.  You could use our help, too.  In fact, looking at your Facebook page, you should enroll, quickly.  Before it is too late.

One Month of Exercise, and Gathering Momentum.

Last night was a month of going to the gym.  And here is a little secret.  I am really enjoying the experience.  Today I said to my wife, "only one more day this week, and it is a gym day, so I can get through that."  You might be thinking, "hey, Tim, it is only Thursday, so you have two more days, I know you are awful at math, but this might be a new low."

True, my friend, too true, all of the above, I am awful at math, it is only Thursday, and there are two whole work days left.  Let me explain my "reasoning" though.  Once the alarm succeeds in waking, and forcing me from the safety and comfort of a warm, wonderful bed that day no longer counts.  Since the worst part, the alarm, is over the rest of the day is just a walk down life's path to the next loving embrace of sleep.

I have this theory that we need to change the way time is measured.  Instead of the traditional passing of days, we need to measure it in Alarm Clock occurrences.  You see, alarm clocks are the number one cause of death in the "civilized" world, causing more stress related illness than morning production meetings, or dentist appointments.  Not that any society that uses alarm clocks should be called "civilized!"  Ungodly, evil things, the work of Satan, I am sure...  Ooops, sorry, I have a series of posts planned for my "More efficient method of measuring time, and its passing."  You will want to stay tuned for that.

Anyway, tomorrow is Friday, which is great, and a workout day which is great, too.  I really look forward to the exertion, and work.  Exercise carries its own rewards, helps reduce stress, and it just makes me feel better.  I take the stairs at work more, and bring vegetables in my lunch.  I have become the kind of person I used to ridicule.  And, I don't care.

Last night was "Siege Warfare" from "Ancient Warfare Magazine" and a long run on the treadmill.  It turns out that sometimes the forces inside the city won because the surrounding army would run out of food.  This was surprising.  Most times you read about the besieged people starving, maybe that makes more compelling history.  Often negotiations ended the siege long before either side had a chance to run out of most things, and if negotiations failed both sides employed espionage to win the day.  What the world needs, really, is more history podcasts.  Somebody should look into that.

My oldest son, who has been going to the gym for quite a while told me I should push myself a little harder when using the resistance machines.  He feels that 10 repetitions (reps to us workout guys) should be all you can accomplish, that if you are not straining to get the last one, there is not enough weight.  So last night I added twenty pounds to everything.  I found out my oldest son can be a jerk.  When I was done my sides ached, and my arms and legs were like lead.  But, this morning, I feel really good.  Maybe he isn't so bad, after all.

But, enough about me.  What did you bring for lunch today?

A business model that works.

Looking back it was probably a pretty silly idea.  Why would anybody want to take a self defense class taught by a dog?  But, it was worth a shot, so we started "Doctor Dogs Self Defense Initiative."

We didn't have much of an advertising budget but word of mouth is very powerful.  Not nearly enough, though.  We went three weeks and only had one student, an skinny, far sighted kid, with a flair for programming, who helped us set up our network, and accounting software, so we gave him free lessons.  That kid was sharp, our computers ran flawlessly.  Plus, he was killer at WOW, he saved our butts from demons and wizards more than once.

Rent was starting to take a bite out of the working capitol and we had to do something.  Then it hit us.  We could create the demand.  We would start making people feel threatened, afraid, we would make people think they had to take a self defense class.

After some careful consideration, meticulous planning, and painstaking research we were at a complete loss. Finally we asked the kid, who turned out to be a pretty smart hire, he worked cheap, which is good, since we were broke.

He (the kid (William)) suggested we start a crime wave, nothing big, just a few muggings, maybe a robbery, break into a business, after dropping a few business cards around the area.  

Genius!!!  Or it would have been if we had business cards, or the money to buy some.  Never let it be said that a small problem slows down the Doctor Dog team.  We printed some flyers and hung them around the neighborhood.  "Feeling threatened by the impending crime wave?  Come to Doctor Dog, where profit isn't the only priority."  We felt that was honest, but reassuring.  

We worked out the details to sell the school to a frightened populace.  

Doctor Dog would dress up like a burglar.  He would mug somebody, and I would rush out and save them, telling them I had been trained in self defense at Doctor Dogs Self Defense Emporium, and they should think about attending a few classes.  "Someday, you might be able to save some poor citizen," I would tell them.

That night we waited in the shadows.  An elderly lady walked up and Doctor Dog leaped into action.  Unfortunately, she was an undercover police woman.  Even less fortunate, my timing was a bit off, so I leaped from the shadow of the dumpster just as she was applying a crippling arm bar on Doctor Dog.  Without hesitating, she pulled a taser from her purse, and dropped me like a sack of soggy Tortilla Chips.  

We were taken to jail, and had to call William to come bail us out.  His parents were furious.  To placate them we promoted William to Manager, and changed the business to Computer Consulting, which was brilliant, the company is doing splendidly, and William is a great guy, and a fantastic boss.  Since Doctor Dog and I are not completely technically proficient we have been promoted to building maintenance.  

Pardon me while I check the hand soap and paper towels in the kitchen.

Working Out, A Great Idea.

Mike, my cousin, or as we know him in the family, Beautiful Mike, or as some of his Facebook Friends seem to know him, Stubborn Mike, asked for "gym motivation tips."  He is trying to find a way to talk himself into going back to the gym and working out.  My tip was to tell everybody he knows he is going and he is going to make them all pay dearly when he reaches sufficient macho, masculine beefy, testosterone fueled meanness.  Only part of it was a joke.

Threatening people is a bad idea, just read the "Guns of August."  But, telling everybody you are going to start working out is a great idea.  When I decided to quit smoking I told everybody, then I really had to give it my best effort.  Nobody wants to answer the question, "how are you today?" with;

"Oh, I am a miserable failure, I tried to quit smoking but only lasted for a couple of hours before I rushed out, bought a carton and three disposable lighters, (one glows in the dark, just in case) my nerves were shot, and I was an emotional basket case." 

"Wow, I am very sorry to hear that.  Do you want me to leave room for cream, or sugar in your coffee, sir?"  That is so humiliating, trust me, I know. 

So telling people you are working out is a good way to get yourself to the gym.  After a few visits it is easy.  You want to go, it is like an addiction.  It makes you feel good.  It is hard not to go.  Last night was Monday, and I had not been there since Friday, and I was happy walking in the door.  

Unfortunately, it was packed with people and I had to use a recumbent exercise bike.  It was my first time on that machine, with luck it will be my last.  As soon as an elliptical machine was open I made the move.  Having hit my target heart rate twice on each machine, and maintaining it for quite a while, I felt good.  

I added at least thirty pounds to each of the resistance machines, and tried a new exercise.  Instead of pusing the levers forward on the Pec Fly machine you face the other direction and pull backward, working on something in your upper back, or shoulders, or something else, I am not sure.  It did not go very well.  Either I was doing something drastically wrong, or need a lot of work on the upper back, shoulder, or other portion.  

Working out, if done correctly, is also a great educational tool.  Last night the podcast covered the ancient Assyrian army.  A lethal, efficient, brutal, efficient organization.  Assyria was the first Middle Eastern Empire to maintain a standing army.  Before that it was more like a seasonal gig for farmers in the off season.  Idle hands are the devils plaything, right?  So, put the farmers to work attacking another country.  Plant, grow, harvest, invade (or defend), repeat.

Assyria was also one of the first armies to master siege craft.  Walls were the weapons of choice for most City States of the time, and they were mostly successful.  Not against the Assyrians, though.

Anyway, whatever it takes, get started, that is the hard part.  Continuing is easy, fun, and will help you live a longer, better life.  And, if you do it right, you might even learn something.

Post Super Bowl Legal Team. Your Chance for Revenge.

Another Super Bowl come and gone.  Another team being cheered as world champions, another team glorified for winning.  There will probably be a celebration, and maybe a parade, possibly a visit to the White House.  What about the losers, though.  Nobody thinks about the trauma, the emotional scarring, the rancorous, terrible, stigma attached to the losing team.  Until Now.

We here at Dawg, Dog, and Stanley, LLP, Inc. are ready to help the Seahawks in their long, painful struggle
to regain some semblance of their former selves.  We want to help heal the deep, emotional anguish that haunts their dreams.

And, there is no better way to do this than big piles of cash.  Enough money that they can roll around in enormous piles of hundred dollar bills, bath in tubs full of the delightful stuff.

Why limit it to the Seahawks, though, think about the terrible scarring that the poor Indianapolis Colts have endured.  And the Panthers, sorry, we are not sure where they are from, but they are filled with self loathing, and doubt.  And the only way to make them whole is money.

Really, think of the long season that preceded the playoffs, a veritable row of pain, suffering and torment.  There were probably coaches fired, players cut, and lives ruined.  All because of the evil, cursed New England Patriots.  We are looking at a class action lawsuit, here.

If you were a member of a team that was humiliated by the New England Patriots, or a fan of a team shamed by them, or just want to get a little cut of the pie, contact the Legal Team at Dawg, Dog, and Stanley, LLP.

A Sunday for the Ages

Today is huge. A day of momentous importance. Today is the first annual, Life Explained (#lifeexplained) Stupendous Bowl World Championship. We have been working, struggling, fighting, clawing, and even playing a little football, to reach this day. It was a season of ups, downs, highs, lows, even a few middle of the road, unexceptional, averages, even some completely sub mediocres. But, it was a quite a race, and we are left with two teams, each wanting to walk away with the crown. Each wanting to win the coveted title, each wanting to wear the coveted sash proclaiming them Miss Life Explained… Wait, hold on, that is not until next September. But, this is almost as vicious.

 
Since it is so cold outside, we are playing indoors, and since we don't have a covered stadium we are cleared out the break room. It is pretty big, not football field big, but pretty big. We had to let some of the air out of the footballs (a big thanks to friend of the blog Bill Belichick, who once said "winning isn't everything, if you're a loser" for that tip).

 
After installing some bleachers, benches for the teams, several concession stands, a lot of beer vendors (a lot), locker rooms, a press box, a stage for the half time show, luxury boxes, and a jumbotron for replays, and commercials we discovered the break room was not nearly as big as we thought. Painting the lines on the floor we realized we would have to play on a field the size of a table.  While that would make for a very high scoring game there might be an unacceptably high number of injuries to the spectators, cheerleaders, sideline reporters, camera crews, international celebrities granted passes, and custodians who were dead set against this right from the beginning and only acquiesced when given assistant coaching gigs, complete with headsets, and clipboards.

Since good custodians are almost impossible to find in this high-tech, namby pamby world of geeks and nerds we decided to cancel the game. Instead we were going to crown the Life Explained Stupendous Bowl World Championship on a series of board games. Unfortunately, nobody here knows how to play any board games, except for a few of the I.T. guys who are going to a comic book convention, and will be unavailable for the competition. They refused to lend us any of their board games after the Wine Tasting, Fantasy Football Draft fiasco.

If it hadn't been for police intervention somebody might have died. When Bob, from the infirmary stood up and tried to draft the 1^st Cavalry the place erupted. People were trying to draft increasingly lethal entities. Everybody was arguing about who would win between Spider Man, and Bat Man, who was tougher, Dracula, or Frankenstein's Monster. Several expensive, graphing calculators were destroyed when the I.T. guys leaped on the backs of the guys from accounting, because they were drinking Chardonnay right out of the bottle, which was more than they could take. After that it got crazy.

We decided playing real football might be safer, and started a league. It was a good season, and there was a lot of drama. We really didn't think the finals through very well. Next year we are headed for the Bahamas for the post season. We have reserved the biggest room on the island for the games. We are selling tickets already, if you are interested.  This year we are just going to flip a coin, but it will be televised, live.  And, they are taking bets in Las Vegas.