Join Now, before we picket you.

Buoyed by the success of the Northwestern Wildcat football team to petition for, and be allowed membership in, a union, this weekend I formed my own union.  It is small, only 4 members so far, just guys who need a break, but as full time participants in life we feel that often we are asked to perform work that is too difficult, and dangerous, or tedious, and demeaning, or complicated, and demanding.  Well, things are about to change.

I have just finished drawing up the bylaws, and with no formal training in bylaw drawing, and a lack of crayons and colored pencils they are a little rough, but whatever is lacking in artistic sophistication is more than compensated for by the overwhelming willingness of the members to abide by the decisions of the union leadership.  Together we are the irresistible force and the immovable object, ready to test the limits of our ability to endure overwhelming hardship, and crushing odds...  That part of the bylaws are going to need some work.

But, we are standing together, through thick and thin.

We are working out the dues right now, and that is kind of important.  But, we are standing together, more or less, except for the cheapskates, who want to get by on almost nothing.  Plus, the division of responsibility is burdensome for those of us at the top, right now the treasurer is not talking to the sergeant at arms, it is kind of childish.  The president thinks the vice president stole his Swiss Army Knife, complete with water filtration device, and flash light, it was nice.  And nobody wants to make coffee, they leave a tiny little bit, just so they don't have to make a fresh pot.  Man, that really irks me.  But, we are united, strong, indivisible.

Plus, there is this whole meeting schedule, nobody wants to meet on Tuesday, because that is when America's Got A Voice And Is Not Afraid To Use It is on.  Wednesday doesn't work for Tom, he has hot yoga, and Thursday is out for Bob, bowling night.  Monday is, well just Monday, Friday is family time, so there is going to be some difficulties.  But, once we get this worked out, we are rolling, together.

We stand united, but not too close, until Brent buys some better clothes, nobody wants to be seen next to a guy wearing plaid so gaudy it would shame a golfer.  But, together we are going to change things.  We are looking for new members, if you are interested, let us know, at Life Explained Local One, Chapter One, A New Beginning.  Dues are cheap, so far, and we are here to help you, depending on what you want, as long as it not Tuesday.

Pick your winners?

We are halfway through the Elite Eight and have almost arrived at the Final Four.   In essence, we are at the So Close Six.  With five games left to play, I am no longer in the running for the Warren Buffett / Quicken Loans Billion Dollar Dream.  I have no chance to win any of the pools I entered, all of the teams I really like are eliminated, and I am left to choose the least distasteful from the teams remaining.  Kind of like almost every year.

But, there is no sadness, or self pity around here.  If loss is uncomfortable, you should probably find a different choice of viewing pleasure, because as Danny O'Keefe sang so hauntingly and so appropriately so long ago, "sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, good time Charlie's got the blues."  So, I will watch the games today, make my choice in the Final Four and post it here, tomorrow.

You might wonder why I do this, you might ask "Tim, why do we care who you pick?"  A very good question.  It is a public service, and I like to give you plenty of time to make wagers against the team I choose, because no matter how good they are, they have no chance.   I am like the Sports Illustrated jinx, magnified, bulked up, and packing heat.

At this point, I should apologize to a person who writes a very enlightening, insightful blog, and happens to be a Virginia Cavaliers fan, and I dragged them into the abyss, with the Huskers and the Cardinals, and the Jayhawks, and... and I am sorry.

On a plus note, I have found a way to win without cheating, technically, at Words With Friends.

Pumpkin Face added to protect the Innocent.

Life Explained Explains Time

Time is the most perplexing thing.  Allegedly, it is a constant, never changing, marching forward, seconds passing in a monotonous parade of consistency.  Disputing this is difficult, because the devices made to measure time deal in absolutes, precise machines designed to record one unit giving way to the next.  While in reality there are many variables involved in the passage of time.

A dentist office slows time to a crawl.  Forty five minutes in a dentists chair lasts almost a life time, in fact a root canal procedure takes almost as much time as it took to build the pyramids.  Dentists should use a calendar to time procedures.  

A day at work, even if you love your job, is a lengthy proposition, dragging on, passing minutes hammering away at your will to live.  But, a weekend is over almost before it begins.  As soon as the final bell tolls on Friday sending you home, whistling all the way, you have to hit the snooze button.

But, it does not end there.  Assuming, for example your work day is divided between tasks, some of which are more enjoyable, some less, and most work days are cut along these lines, then part of your day will go painfully, slowly ants marching inexorably back to the nest, other parts will drag almost to a stop, tar covered turtles carrying bricks up the side of a mountain.

The same is true of the weekend.  For example, tonight Louisville plays Kentucky in the Round of Sixteen (the Sweet Sixteen) in the NCAA basketball tournament, one of the biggest sports rivalries in existence extending into the post season.  This is a huge game, and the winner will move to the next round (the Elite Eight), and they will get there by defeating their hated in state rival, and the loser will go home, to stew in inconsolable misery, and doubt themselves, and everything they have ever believed (sorry about your luck, Kentucky).  This is the biggest, most venomous rivalry since the Aliens and the Predators squared off in Alaska, thanks to those pesky kids...  (oops sorry about the sports rant, and the Scooby Doo reference).

Anyway, that game will be so intense and enjoyable it will be over before you can finish your bowl of chips, but installing that new heating element in the oven will take about 15 minutes that will last about two and a half hours. 

All we are asking is equity.  Unpleasantness is part of life, but it should be compensated for, if you have to carry out difficult work that seems to last all day you should be allowed to leave when it is finished.  If part of your weekend is so pleasant, and entertaining that it shrinks hours into minutes, you should get a little extra weekend, right off the top, on Monday morning, preferably.  

When man first devised the method to track time, things were brutish, life was short and times were difficult.  Keeping track of how long it took was just a way to avoid thinking about how awful things were.  Now we are more sophisticated, we have taken so many steps to improve life.  It is time to "improve life."

With that in mind we are starting the "Life Explained Equitable Passage of Time" movement.  Please sign below to help us push this through.  We suggest you not use your real name, in case the time police decides to squash our puny little revolution, they are everywhere, you know?  In fact, you might want to use an important, intelligent sounding name, we suggest Einstein, or Aristotle, something people will notice.  "Well, if da Vinci thinks it is a good idea, so do I."

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Should the Nobel go next to the Emmy, or by the Pulitzer?

I work in a very old building, and sometimes I get there very early, and depending on the time of year, it can be very dark.  As you walk through the building there is always a lot of noise, a symphony of creaks, and groans, and shuffling sounds, and something that sounds similar to the purring intonation  made by the velociraptors in Jurassic Park, that would be awful.  Oddly, the noises always seem just out reach of the built in flashlight of the iPhone, you can almost see the source of the sound, but not quite.  It was frustrating.

Then, I read about this app available for the iPhone that would show paranormal activity, and in some cases allow you to communicate with the spirits.

I rushed to download the app, and spent the evening familiarizing myself with the "interface."  It seemed that ghost hunting was going to be stressful enough without adding confusing menu options, and complicated gestures, so I learned where the optimal screen for my approach was and the quickest way to get it loaded.

It was so exciting, I could barely sleep.  This morning, I rushed around the house fixing lunch, slurping coffee, finally it was time to leave, a quick peck on the cheek of my lovely wife, and a cryptic "hey, clean off a space for my Pulitzer, would you?"

She replied, "you are not trying room temperature fusion again, are you?  Remember the stitches.  And I sure you mean Nobel Prize, unless you are writing an article."

"Oh, great, a Nobel is smaller, I think, They take less room, it will be much easier to make space."

Whoosh, the elevator door opened on the darkened fourth floor, but the phone was at the ready, held high and scanning the room.  A noise to the right and a quick move in that direction, and I could not believe my eyes!  There, on the screen of the iPhone was a ghost.  He was standing about 12 feet (about 4 meters), and carrying a box, it looked kind of heavy, maybe 20 pounds (about 15 degrees Celsius).

"What are you looking at?"  He asked, staring right at me. I was shocked.

"Why are you carrying a box?"  That was the best thing I could think of to say, the whole thing kind of caught me off guard.  Try finding a ghost walking through the kitchen at work carrying a box, and see if you do better.

Slowly, he put the box on the floor, picked up a ghostly thermos, poured himself a cup of ghost coffee, sat down on the box, took a sip of his coffee, lit a cigarette, and said.  "It's my job."

"You carry boxes around a warehouse, for a job, in the afterlife?"  I asked, this was almost too much.

Another ghost came over and borrowed a cigarette, and a light, and a cup of coffee, some things never change.

"Yes, I do.  Hey, it's a living, we all have to eat."  The ghost said. "It's not all we do, we take stuff out of boxes and put it in other boxes, and send it to other places. Which works out ok, because those places send us boxes of stuff. Kind of the circle of afterlife commerce."

"Do you like it?"

"It ain't so bad, last year we had Attila the Hun as the warehouse foreman, and that could be a little tense. Now we have some guy from the renaissance.  He spends a lot of time painting and talking about art and enlightenment, so it is pretty easy, and the hours are good.  We have really good insurance, including dental, and 6 weeks of vacation.  All in all it is pretty nice, and there is always a chance for advancement, they moved Attila into sales and marketing. He cleaned up real nice."

He seemed pretty content, and I was glad we met.

A ghostly whistle sounded and he said he had to get back to work.  I see him around once in a while and he is doing well.  He met a girl, and they are getting married in the spring, he said I could come to the wedding. It would be a little awkward, so my wife and I decided to pass.

Turns out ghosts have have the same problems, and opportunities as all of us.  They are just trying to get by, they struggle and they scrape, and they take coffee breaks.  So, next time you are in a dark room, and you hear an otherworldly noise, try to stay out the way it is probably just a guy doing his job.  And if someone picks up your plates and puts them in the dishwasher it might not be your wife, no matter what she says.

Another Family Member Suffers.

My cousin Mike, (Handsome Mike) and I have decided to publish a review blog together.  He finally gave in, and said, "oh alright, we can publish a review blog together, if you will stop asking," so I did.  It is a Tumblr.com blog, and they are kind of tricky, but we are determined.

Check it out, you won't be too sorry.

It is just getting started, and some of the reviews are well written, concise and informative (Mike's) and some of them ramble incoherently, make little sense, and provide no real insight (mine).  But, we add pictures, and we are thinking of doing video reviews, not really.

When you have time, give it a look, leave a comment, send a gratuity, and maybe tell your friends, well maybe not your friends, tell all the people who are irritating, except me, I already know about the blog.

Back to work, no chance for escape.

Well, I had my shot, took my chances, tried to grab the brass ring.  A billion dollars, and they were just waiting to hand it over, to me.  "Here you go, Tim, a billion dollars, and man, are we glad you won."  I was ready.  All I had to do was pick all of the winners in the NCAA tournament.  How hard could that be?  Let's face it, there are two teams in each game, and one of them is going to win, and one will lose, so that makes it one in two, or 50 % of getting it right, and some games are just obvious, right?  So, all of the sudden I am at like 60 % - 40 %, maybe 70 - 30.  It was almost a sure thing.

To increase my odds even further I decided to use the power of the internet, and research each game carefully.  By using a formula that gives extra weight to road wins and wins against "quality opponents, further I planned to research common opponents, and maybe even move out two or three degrees, and compare point spreads, rebounds, and assists, figuring that was the key factor in deciding most games.  I was so excited.

But, when I went to the first game, Florida, vs Albany, they didn't have any common opponents, and none of the teams either of them had played ever faced an opponent from the other team, and this was out to the third place, dang this was going to take a while.  But, Florida was going to win, so I chose them.  On to Pitt vs. Colorado.  Again, no common opponents, and maybe they only had one cycle to get to someone but, I didn't have forever, you know.  And I just don't much care for Pitt, so I chose Colorado.  And people say VCU is good, and their coach is actually named Smart, so that is good, I choose VCU.

Soon, I was just flying through the sheet, a guiding light showing me the way, almost casting a glow on the winning team!  Man, this was too easy.  Some higher power, some unseen force wanted me to win a billion dollars, and do good things with it.  It was almost like cheating!

Wednesday night I could hardly sleep.  Three weeks, and I would be rollin' in the samoleans, saying sayonara to the good folks at work, and setting sail for prosperity, wealth and casual indulgence, with a polite nod to charity of course, no point is being greedy, right?

Then, the unthinkable happened.  I was knocked out before the first day was really even started.  How could this happen?  Harvard, Mercer and North Dakota State all won in the first round!  What?  Well, fate had a nice laugh, at my expense, but, we are friends again.  It was a silly indulgence, anyway, and who really needs a billion dollars.  I can live without it, until next year.

Wars In The Home

There comes a time when life chase you down and tackles you from behind.  Often, this happens just when you feel as though you have hit the corner, and the tight end of daily duty has held his block long enough for you to cut upfield and run down the sidelines towards the end zone of success and just as you are about ready to cross the goal line for the touchdown of easy, carefree living, and bam you are smashed down on the one yard line of pain and suffering by the free safety of responsibility...  Oops, sorry about that, football season is coming, and I am kind of excited.

But, that is not what we are here to talk about , we are here to discuss home improvement, and small repairs.  My advice is, avoid them, no matter what, don't let anybody (particularly your wife) shame you into changing the faucet, sink, light fixture, electrical outlet, anything.  It is a fools errand, and that is not the fool you want to be.  You can trust me here, I have tried all sorts of idiocy, and this one is the worst, and possibly the most dangerous.





With this advice in mind, I am going to change the light fixture in the bathroom today, a dangerous, difficult undertaking involving, at the very least, a screw driver, a wrench, probably and a lethal electrical current.  Ok, so you don't need a wrench, but you need two types of screwdrivers.


Here is the good part, because of the unique properties of electricity this light fixture, (an LED, EnergyStar model) could, at any moment, go from a rousing feat of successful home improvement, a small victory for the common man, to a sparking, sizzling, self destructing kamikaze, burning your house to ground any time, day or night.  It becomes a time bomb, just waiting on the edge of consciousness, constantly gnawing at the corners of your mind, poking you in your sleep, forcing you to rush home after work, to make sure your house has not been razed by your technical prowess.

Well, I am off, tools, tape, and confidence in hand, if you never see me again, tell Coach Riley to win a championship for me. and tell the Academy I will not be available to accept the Oscar next year, what the heck, call the Pulitzer people, the Publishers Clearing House people, the Nobel people, and the Heisman Award people, and tell them to call my wife, who shamed me into this act of self destruction, is to blame.

Hey, that is the end of today's episode, tune in tomorrow when we discuss installing a new shower head, or scalding yourself right before you drown.

Just wait until next year.

Ok, so I had the Cornhuskers winning the tournament, unapologetically, unabashedly, and with a great amount of pride.  I am a fan, and they are my team, it is a symbiotic relationship, but I probably get more benefit.  But, if the Cornhuskers read blogs it would be more equitable, so it is not all my fault.

But, they got beat today, it was an unfortunate game that took some unexpected twists, and a few tragic turns.  Coach Tim Miles was ejected for the first time in his coaching career, but, I won't blame the official, there will be not finger pointing on my blog, a loss is a loss, and you move on.

The referee who called the technical to eject Coach Miles was just a guy doing a job, and is only human, so we are not going to indulge in any childish name calling.

It does bring to mind an old saying from my time in India when I was working for...  well I am not really authorized to discuss who I was working for.   Anyway, there was an old Punjab saying, "Trust a cobra before you trust a Sikh, trust a Sikh before you trust a Pathan, and trust anybody, anywhere in the world before you trust a truly loathsome bastard like that."  My multi-lingual Punjabi is not that good anymore but, it was something like that.    Not that I think the official in question is loathsome, or detestable, this was just a coincidence, sometimes thoughts show up, a lot of old people have that problem.

Sorry, I slip into memories, occasionally.

In the wonderful words of the fantastic Bob Dylan;

"I'm not sorry for nothing I've done,
I'm glad I fought I only wish we won."

Anyway, this was a special season to be Cornhusker basketball fan, and next year will be even better. With that in mind I have started filling out my bracket for next seasons tournament already.  I am picking Nebraska to win it all.  But, I am not too sure who to pick from the south division, any suggestions?

Spring, another season, another hassle.

Spring, a new beginning, the birth of summer, the end of winter.  A time for celebratory, feckless exuberance, when we finally get to put away the snow shovels, gloves, stocking hats, boots, and coats.  Time to air out the shorts, and sandals, and visors.  As you leave work today look to the north and tell the Polar Vortex, "hey, you aren't so tough."  But, then jump in your car quickly, before it can grab you, and rip your heart out with frosty, ice covered, malevolent fingers.  Hey, it is still the Polar Vortex, after all.  

But, when you get home, don't forget to remove your lawn mower blade, so you can take it in and have it sharpened, now is the time for that sort of routine maintenance.  Also, you will need to unroll the garden hose, make sure it is leak free, because this weekend you will need to wash out the drop spreader and make sure it is in good working condition.  A decent lawn regimen requires about 60 treatments to be effective.

Oh, and don't forget the rake, you will need to get all of the thatch out of your yard if you want grass to be able to grow.  And, there is plenty of assorted, rotting flotsam in the flower beds, that will need to be raked, bagged, and put in the yard waste.  Also, make sure you clean the shovels, there will be plenty of digging once your wife decides where she wants the garden. Yeah, right, garden my aching butt, it is more like the Ponderosa, next thing you know she will want to get some chickens...  Hey, don't say that so loud, she might hear you.

You might want to drag out the ladder, the gutters won't clean themselves.  While you are in there grab the patio furniture, of course it will need to be cleaned.  Keep an eye open for spiders, though, I read on the internet that they are everywhere, literally everywhere.  Brother, I could tell you stories about spiders, but I am saving those for future blog posts.

And with spring, and summer coming the spiders are going to be multiplying like crazy.  Not to mention wasps, bees, snakes, bats, and those annoying little flies that are always diving into your beer just to die, man those things are awful.  

You know, winter was terrible, but summer ain't sounding so hot either.  We should really come up with a new way to divide the year, something comfortable, and bug free.

Five Stories may not be enough.

We have a friend that lives in Berlin.  She is a very nice person, and fearless in many ways, though a little crazy, at times.  It is a widely held opinion around headquarters that she moved to Berlin to learn German, (or find a decent beer) which is very brave, and a little crazy.  But, she feels that living in a fifth floor apartment, in a building with no elevator, will keep her safe from spiders.  Readers of this blog probably know better.

It has come to our attention that spiders are no longer content just walking, or crawling or climbing or whatever it is called when a spider decides to go somewhere else.  We will need to ask a spider scientist about the correct phrase, that is a scientist who studies spiders, not a scientist who is a spider, so don't get any ideas about ill timed practical jokes.

Here is a prime example from the Daily Star.  Dang, I am throwing away my backpack, unopened!  Remember, this is not for the squeamish, or the British, who have had several Arachnid related incidences in the last few years.  Now, they have Giant Huntsman spiders (though we have been told by our legal department that they much prefer being called Giant Huntsperson spiders) bringing their entire family and jetting to live in the UK.



Apparently, spiders are reaching new levels of sophistication when planning travel.  This, of course, spells big trouble for almost everybody, almost everywhere in the world, even the people who live in fifth floor apartments with no elevator.

Mankind has two choices, Space Colonization, or giving up hope.  Fortunately, we here at Life Explained are proceeding head long and with reckless abandon with our plans to open a residential development (along with a very exclusive retail district, including micro breweries, and fine dining) on Mars, or the Moon, we are not sure yet, whichever is less hospitable to spiders.  We are still looking for answers.

Hey, somebody has to win.

Before we start today, you deserve a little explanation, a reason for the way things are done in some places.  Mostly here, and exclusively on an NCAA bracket selection sheet.  I am a fan, and root with abandon for a team.  It is a passionate rite that endures bad seasons, and rough stretches.  It is like a friendship, a relationship, a marriage or a family.  Sure, sometimes things are not perfect, and occasionally a rocky stretch will cut deep.  But, we stand together, me and the teams.  I can not pick another team to beat my team on the sheet, it would be infidelity, it would be unfaithful, it would be wrong, and then when the game took place I would have to choose between hoping my team lost, or I lost.  So, I picked Nebraska to win the NCAA tournament.

From an unnamed source and used without permission.

While filling out my brackets I took the words of Coach Miles to heart when he said "I think we're a good enough team to win the tournament."  Coach Miles does not seem to be guilty of overt, macho bravado, or rampant, wild conceit, it is a quiet confidence, at least outwardly, that drives his words.  So, I picked Nebraska to win the NCAA tournament.  

After so many years of accepting an early end to the season, and looking forward to spring football coverage, this is exciting, and the joy of possibility is a powerful force.  Things are getting better, and it is happening now.  So, I am picking the Huskers to win the NCAA tournament.

In the hauntingly appropriate words of the great Bob Dylan.

"It’s undeniable what they’d have you to think
It’s indescribable, it can drive you to drink,
They said it was the land of milk and honey
Now they say it’s the land of money
Who ever thought they could ever make that stick
It’s unbelievable you can get this rich this quick"

One of my earliest memories is, and I was just a child, when my Mother, rest her soul, took me aside at a family reunion, and said to me, "Tim, if something carries a statistical probability, no matter how slight, that does not diminish over time it will eventually happen."  Those may not have been her exact words, but it was something like that.  And, after this season, it is safe to say that the statistical probability of Nebraska winning the tournament not only did not diminish it sky rocketed.  So, while Coach Miles, and I may have the time variable a little off, we are probably pretty accurate, if not this year, one year very soon.  So, I picked Nebraska to win next years NCAA tournament.  Yes, next year, the riches just keep piling up.

And, since I feel so good about this, here is a bonus appropriate Dylan quote for the day.


"It’s unbelievable like a lead balloon
It’s so impossible to even learn the tune
Kill that beast and feed that swine
Scale that wall and smoke that vine
Feed that horse and saddle up the drum
It’s unbelievable, the day would finally come"

So, has our day finally come?  Yes, to me it has.  By the way, I like the Cornhuskers in this years big dance, who are you picking?

NCAA Tournament a Sure Pick.

Well, the wait is over, and all of the conference tournaments are finished, the Big Kahunas of the NCAA have made their picks, and we all know where our teams stand, or sit for the next several weeks.

It has been an exciting, unpredictable season, a season filled with "bigs" using their "length" and "physicality" to impose their will on the smaller, insignificant "bigs" (who have a much tinier supply of "physicality") from the other team.

Many of the games went right down to the last few minutes, where one team had such a small advantage in points that the "differential" between the shot clock and the game clock was a very important and widely discussed, consideration, and had a profound affect on the point "differential" when the game clock and shot clock had no "differential," and both read 00:00.

As always, some people are very happy, in this case the Virginia Cavaliers, who had a wonderful season, and a fantastic ACC tournament.   They won both the regular season and the tournament championship, managing to beat the Duke Blue Devils in the championship game.  It was to be one of the best basketball games of the year, and  they re a well deserved #1 seed.  Plus, they have a coach named Tony Bennett, that is a plus no matter who you root for.

Some people are less thrilled, like the Louisville Cardinals, who are playing basketball so well right now that many people felt they deserve a better seed than #4.  I feel that way, but I am a Cardinals fan, and a little biased.

And there are some people who are unhappy, as is the case in Dallas, Texas where SMU was not even invited, after having a very good season, and are the first ranked team to miss the tournament since 2004.  But, that is the nature of this tournament, and the selection committee works in strange and mysterious ways, or at least strange ways.

I am very happy, my team, the Nebraska Cornhuskers, are in the tournament, and an 11 seed, facing the Bears of Baylor.  True, the Cornhuskers started the season slow, and got beat in the conference tournament, and has no true "bigs" bristling with menacing "physicality."  But, they are young, fast, and enthusiastic, and a late season streak of success increased their chances of inclusion.  And, when they are playing well, their defense is so agile and quick it almost looks as though they have 6 players on the court.

And almost as good as the Huskers making it to the NCAA tournament, almost, but not quite, I am planning on winning the Warren Buffett/Quicken Loans Bracket Challenge.  If you pick every game correctly you will win a billion dollars.  That will be cool, too.

So, thank you Warren Buffett, Quicken Loans, the NCAA selection committee, and a special thanks to you, Tim Miles, your hard working, wonderfully young team, and my parents, my teachers, the directors, and the Academy... oh, sorry I accidentally started reciting from my Oscar acceptance speech.

Anyway, enjoy the tournament, root for your team, and enjoy the snacks, I am going with chips, and dip, or crackers, and cheese, or cookies, and milk, well I will have it figured out by Thursday.

Things are stil going brightly.

Yesterday, Nebraska lost to Ohio State in the Big Ten tournament.  It was a close game and either team could have won.  I was disappointed that they lost, but man I love this team.  They fight hard and have climbed so much higher than people expected.  And, one way or another their season is not over.

If they do not get selected for the NCAA tournament they will certainly be a high seed in the NIT tournament.  Which would probably bring some more games to the friendly atmosphere of the very hospitable Pinnacle Bank Arena.  Either way, I will be watching, and enjoying the intense and dynamic Cornhuskers play together as often as possible.

And, when the season is over I am overflowing with confidence for the future.  Names like Parker, Petteway, Pitchford, and Shields have become welcome in our house, and in our conversations.  And, will be, we hope, for several more years.  This is a young team, and the future is filled with glorious, profound possibility and potential.

When looking back at the later part of the season I can't help but think of the Dylan lyrics;

"I got something in my pocket, make your eyeballs swim,
I got dogs that will tear you limb from limb,
I'm circling around the southern zone,
I pay in blood, but not my own."

Tim Miles is building a good team, piece by piece, and in only his second season he has done
something significant and wonderful.  He is a calm presence in front of the camera, and a tempest on the sideline.  He can coach, and he can recruit, and he can give a danged good interview, as well.

Tom Osborne hired the right man, at the right time.  We have a coach who knows how to build a winner, a new state of the art arena, a team of talented young men, who are hungry to prove that Nebrasketball is a state of being, and fans that ready for successHu.  No matter what happened yesterday it is a good time to be a Husker.

You need to get in on this.

People who know me will say if there is one thing that interests me it is technology, and predatory animals, and using technology to keep an eye on predatory animals.  That might be more than one thing, but people I know have little use for math, or the rigid confines of proper vocabulary, we are rebels.  So, when I read on PRI, (Public Radio International, yes, I read the radio, on Facebook, did I mention our rebellious nature) that I could download an App to track sharks it was a mad dash to the iTunes store.

Now I am following Lydia, a Great White Shark, as she travels across the Atlantic Ocean.  Not like a

"I think we may be following this one a little too close."

Private Eye following an unfaithful spouse to a seedy motel where he will drink tepid, foul tasting coffee, and eat peanut butter sandwiches with his Canon Rebel DSLR equipped with a Canon EF EF 100 -400mm Telephoto lens (on sale now at Amazon, don't miss this deal, it is crazy cheap) in hand, waiting for a few fuzzy photos.  But, not exactly like following someone on Twitter, either, though that would be closer.  But, I can open an app on my phone (iPhone 5, soon to be outdated and will be offered at very reasonable prices, by everyone) and see where she has been.

Apparently, this shark has surprised the scientists at Massachusetts Division of Marine Fisheries, because she is swimming around in the ocean.  No, I am only kidding, what is surprising to them is that she seems to be crossing the Atlantic Ocean (apparently they feel sharks prefer coastal waters), and may be on her way to Ireland, perhaps arriving just in time for Saint Patrick's Day.  Which shows a remarkable sense of timing, and current events.

According to the article (The PRI article about the Shark) tagging Great White Sharks is rare and difficult.  It seems that someone on the boat needs to distract the shark, maybe with a card trick, or some sleight of hand (sharks are suckers for magic tricks, but who isn't) and another person needs to sneak up behind the shark and stick a tracking device to it's back using industrial strength marine adhesive.  That sort of glue is so caustic and irritating that it was difficult to find volunteers.  No, I just made that up.

There are many difficulties and it is potentially dangerous for the shark, but these good people are trying to save this majestic creature.  They work long hours under trying and difficult conditions, all in the name of conservation, science, and education. I think everybody should show their gratitude for the difficult work by reading the article, and downloading the app, it is available, for Apple as well as Android devices at the OCEARCH.org website, here (Try it, you will be the coolest person you know.).

Imagine, at the touch of a button, (is that what you call it on capacitive touch screen, who cares, not us rebels, that is obvious) you can see where dozens of sharks are, and where they have been.  There are worse ways to use a smart phone, you know?

Strange, isn't it?

Last night I had the strangest dream, wonderful, but odd.  I dreamed that the Nebraska Cornhuskers beat the Wisconsin Badgers in basketball.  Weird, right?  What makes it even more unbelievable is the part of the dream where the Badgers were on eight game winning streak, including wins over ranked Iowa, and Michigan teams.  And it happened on the same day the Cornhusker Women's team beat Iowa to win the Big Ten tournament.

Here is where it gets really strange.  By winning the game Nebraska played it's way to a first round bye in the Big Ten tournament, and many people feel that the team earned an at large bid for the NCAA tournament.

Every Husker Fan Loves Terran Petteway!  Thank you Cornhuskers Men's
Basketball Facebook Page, and Thank You, Terranasaurus!

And, if that were not crazy enough, the Cornhuskers, in this amazing dream, had the leading scorer in the Big Ten, and he was only a sophomore.  Surrounding this marvelous, magical sophomore was a whole team of outlandishly talented, victory hungry, underclassmen, with more sitting on the bench.  And, they had a coach who was enthusiastic, energetic, and won everywhere.  Taking teams (like Nebraska) and turning them into winners, time after time, and he was coaching Nebraska now!!!

Man, I hated to wake up this morning.  Well, off to get some coffee, and tell my wife about this wonderful dream.

NEWS FLASH!  This just in!  Our fact checker (my wife, who is pretty smart, smart enough to know how fragile I am when discussing college basketball in March) just informed me this was no dream, but all of this really happened.

Thank you Cornhuskers Men's Basketball
Facebook Page, and Thank you  CBS And
Thank you Walter Pitchford.

Thank you Cornhuskers Men's Basketball
Facebook Page, and Thank you  CBS And
Thank you Shavon Sheilds

I know there are a lot of people who deserve a lot of credit for this dream season, but hey I was lucky to get these photos on here.  Blogger does not make that easy, you know. So, thank you all, and keep your eyes on this blog, you just might see your picture.

Good tidings, kind of, a little.

I work in the distribution biz.  We distribute, mostly, designer driven, fashionable, somewhat useful home decor items.  In this business there is a wide margin of speculation, and no small amount of guesswork.  Sometimes too many things are ordered, and this can lead to some uncomfortable space considerations.  These become my problem, I am the "distribution center manager," a title that rests painfully on the brow.  You see, as a manager, I make a very good blogger, as a blogger, maybe not so much.

It was an accident, like most things in my life, that led to this job.  And, when I got here my first thought was "wow, these people are crazy, working all sorts of insane hours," and lifting and moving and carrying the weight of an entire industry in a small 4 story building.  But, I needed to stay a while, if my wife missed another vacation because I changed jobs it would have been war.  Eventually, they promoted me to manager, maybe because I was the tallest, that makes as much sense as anything.

For a long time the biggest problem was trying to use existing space to store increasing amounts of new stuff.  But, eventually, demand started creeping up on supply (see, that is a distribution reference, cool, huh?), it hasn't quite caught up, but supply is starting to sweat, and spends a lot of time looking over it's shoulder.

This means, in non distribution professional terms, that business is beginning to improve.  I have empirical evidence of this, too.  Check out the redundancy we have recently installed in our "Vitally Important Warehouse Dog Department!"  Never again will we be dogless while slaving and toiling to decorate the world. 

Our dog staff, here to serve you.

Anyway, here is where strong managerial skills are requisite.  Things coming in, going out, and being altered in between, taking big ones (full boxes of stuff) and making them into little ones (smaller boxes with a lot of different stuff).  A steady hand, a gentle voice, and a firm but fair demeanor is vital.

They have me instead.  I fall apart so quickly there are shrapnel injuries, and first aid is way beyond my abilities.  Band aid?  They are over there, employee disciplinary forms, please grab one of each.  After all, blood is filled with pathogens, and who knows where these people have been.  Please schedule your injuries during my lunch break, and it would be better if they could happen at home, I will be on vacation in July, can you wait?

An associate called in and said she couldn't work for a couple of days, she was sick.

"Dammit, I mean, are you sure?"  I asked sympathetically, as sympathetically as possible when thinking, "now, I am stuck doing her stuff."

"I went to the doctor, he said I have an acute, viral infection, and needed to take a couple of days off."  She said, a little angry, she has always been kind of a baby.

"What's your doctor's number, I will see if I can get you a reprieve."  Always the helper.

"You're not calling my doctor, Tim.  I will see you when I feel better."  Some people just don't want to be helped.

"OK, I hope you get to feeling better, by tomorrow." The power of persuasion, that is management 101 right there, my friend.  I am kind of getting the hang of this.

Winter, it ain't so bad, sometimes.

I am not sure how much more of this I can take.  Winter has swept in from the north, a horde of frosty barbarians, crashing across borders, setting up residence in the American Midwest, and making a complete mess of things, and total nuisance of itself (not unlike having children, when you think about it).  It takes a toll, to be sure.  When you add the Cornhuskers Basketball success to that it is almost overpowering.

Last night I tuned in to watch them play Indiana in Bloomington.  And, you know what, they won, by 10 points, and never trailed throughout the whole game.  Sure, the Hoosiers made a game of it with about 8 minutes left.  But, Coach Miles called a timeout and soon they regained the lead.  It was a tough game, but they won!  In Bloomington!  In March!   How about that?!?!

If the Big Ten Tournament started now Nebraska would have a first round bye!  They have a winning record, and a winning conference record.  And, they have won 9 of the last 11 games.  And, they have caused a lot of excitement about basketball in a lot of places, in March!

Petteway, Pitchford, Shields, Parker, these are becoming household names.  These guys could probably get elected to office right now.  I would move back, just to vote for them.  But, Coach Miles drives this ship.  He is as cool as they come, and always seems to be on the verge of breaking into a smile that looks so wholesome and wonderful it should be trademarked.

The guy just has something.  When Jimmy Jackson asked him, after the game, what he said during the timeout after Indiana had tied the game, the answer was a simple, sincere, "we have worked so hard to get here, are we going to let this affect us?"  Apparently not.

The crowd was wild, the Hoosiers were excited, and things were tense, but the Husker defense rose to the occasion.  They were everywhere, running, moving, getting back, closing out on shooters.  It was a frantic, fantastic, exhibition of the will to win, and my whole family loved it.

People said Coach Miles would start winning at Nebraska, and he has.  I think it surprised a lot of people
how quickly it happened.

In the dead of the night, sometimes, when things are still and the world is not moving, I can hear a plaintive, sorrowful cry from Lincoln.  "Why didn't we add a couple thousand more seats to the Pinnacle Bank Arena?"

All I can say, is thank you, Coach, and your impressive, hard working team.

In the immortal words of Bob Dylan.

"Summer days, summer nights are gone,
Summer days, summer nights are gone,
I know a place where there's still something goin' on."

Hey, you can't argue with fate.

I am a rational, reasonable adult, far from perfect, but mature, and free from the most major defects, for the most part.  Sure, there is a very rational fear of spiders, but that is just self preservation, and if you set up a Google Alert for spider news, like I have, you would see why.  And, nobody can really be all that comfortable flying, for one thing you are packed in that metal can so tightly that you need to synchronize your breathing with the passenger next to you, (fortunately, I hardly breath on planes) and you are squeezed into toddler seats (I don't even like to be that close to my family) and then they fling that sucker through the air in defiance of all laws of nature, science and reason.

And then some smug, arrogant condescending, disembodied voice has the nerve to say, "please put away all reading material, and shut off any electronic devices, please don't even think about using anything that might give you any brief pleasure in the last few precious moments of life, or distract you for even a few seconds from facing the certain death that waits all of you when we finally get this giant mess of aluminum and tangled wire off the ground..."  Oops, sorry about that, most times they don't sound that smug, at all.  Wait, where was I?  Oh yeah.

I like to think of myself as a sane, normal adult.  And recently it seems that maybe I am spending too much time with technology, and not enough time with reality.  It seems like I am constantly checking the status of my village in Clash of Clans (doing quite well, thank you), or Dark Ages (a little behind the eight ball here, need some more lumber mills to really make some time), constantly chasing more elixir or conquests.  Always trying to score big points using middle school vocabulary in "Words With People Who Always Win,"  Maybe that time should be spent with people, maybe I should use those words in conversation.

"Hey, 'Words With Friends' friend, how about I buy you a cup of coffee, and we just talk?"  That seems reasonable, right?

Maybe, it is time to put aside the iPhone, the iPad, cable TV, computers, blue tooth, Blu-Ray, Xbox,

all of the technological meth amphetamines of life, and start looking at the world through eyes long addicted to terminals, flat screens and the retina displays.  What wonders wait just beyond the steel cage of the technology?  Why must we always heed the siren's call to our devices?

It might be time to put all of these toys aside, grow up a bit, and meet life's challenges head on.

Maybe not, though. Last week I left my phone at home, and the withdrawal symptoms were so severe they required hospitalization, thank the gods for health insurance.  And I have that free video "rental" from Red Box that expires today, shame to let that go to waste, it is like a license to print money.  My wife and I have been happily married for a long time, no pointing in tempting fate through conversation.  What will she think if she finds out how dull I really am, and leaves me for somebody fascinating?  Where will that leave our children.

Maybe personal electronics are the next step in evolution.  Crawl out of the ocean, leave the cave, climb down out of the trees, put on a shirt, some pants and a pair of shoes, and start a virtual empire on your iPhone.  It kind of makes sense in a cosmic way, if you think about it.  Maybe we are supposed to learn to use these tools, like we harnessed fire, and incorporated the wheel into our lives.   Who am I to argue with destiny?

Well, I'm glad we got that out in the open, it is certainly a big relief.

And the winner is.

Today is the big day, the Oscars, (named after the bologna, a staple at the pre-ceremony buffet, for those of you wondering).  Truly, this is a joyous day, when people who toil, and slave in ignominy for little or no wage finally get some recognition for all of their hard work.  No, wait that is me, the tireless blogger, working desperately to explain life, one dilemma, one inconsistency at a time.   I think actors, and actresses, producers, directors, and others in the movie biz make a little coin,  but who knows.

On an interesting side note, the other day my friend, and co-worker, John mentioned that we might all (we, and all, referring to mankind as a whole) might be a computer simulation for some child of the "gods."  My friend, and co-worker, Bil replied that he sincerely hopes they don't stick him in a room with no doors, so he would be forced to wet himself.  Which may not explain anything, but it is one more thing to worry about.  Of course, giving voice to that fear may not be a such a good idea, if we are a simulation, but that is another post.

Anyway, back to the Bolognas, or more commonly the Oscars.  Here is our rundown, and predictions.

Best Picture nominees are;

Gravity
Nebraska
Her
Pilomena

And several others that are too lengthy to type.

Well, since I haven't seen any of them, I am going to pick Her, since it is the easiest to type.  By extension, just go through the list, and pick the shortest title and that is my choice to win the coveted processed lunch meat.

Remember, fried bologna is always better than microwaved.  And add the cheese liberally, it really brings the sandwich home.

Another Government Coverup Exposed.

Early Friday morning the cold, still, night air of downtown Columbus, OH was rocked by a series, (somebody check to see if 3 qualifies as a series.  It does?  Great, thanks, I owe you a couple of the finest glazed.) of explosions.   Manhole covers were sent rocketing through windows, power supplies were cut, covered the area and the smell of destruction was everywhere.

Acting quickly, the local authorities sent in the finest officials from the Office of Misinformation, and some other people, too.  After setting up a perimeter, and establishing a command headquarters, these dedicated professionals made coffee, microwaved some breakfast burritos, and turned on the TV to catch reruns of the A Team.  Man, those guys knew how to run an operation.

After what was considered a reasonable interval they issued a press release explaining that the explosions were caused by the underground storehouses of the local power company, AEP.  A spokesperson for AEP said "it was all our fault, and we are very sorry."

Yeah, right AEP spokesperson, and well trained, well paid officer of misinformation.  What kind of fools do you take us for?

We did a little research, and found startling evidence of several previous occurrences of underground explosions in American cities.  

One such incident was explained so beautifully in the documentary "War of the Worlds" starring Tom Cruise.  It was a touching, heartwarming, example of man's ability to survive hardship, adversity and alien invasion.  We give it 5 stars, Doctor Dawg says, check it out.

We sent an investigative unit to Columbus to find out what really

happened, and they found this startling evidence on the local traffic camera footage.  It is probably a good idea to check for man hole covers when parking or stopping for a red light, or stop sign.  Also, you might want to purchase our new book, "How to Survive a Movie Plot; A Script for the Rest of Us."  It can't hurt.