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Saturday, October 31, 2015

Happy Birthday, Mom*

I would like to do something a little different today. It is my Mother's birthday, or it would be if she were still alive. I am not really sure how old she would have been, or exactly how many years ago she passed away. It seems like a hundred years ago, and it seems like yesterday. Memories and regrets don't understand the passage of time.

She was a remarkable woman in many ways. having a robust sense of humor and an almost infinite capacity for forgiveness. Both of which her only son tested often, and severely. I thank the heavens almost everyday that my sons are better children than I was. And even more often wish I had been better.

Every year vacation would be spent visiting "the Grandmas," my mom, my aunt (who was really like Mom 2), and my wife's mom. Now they are all gone and memories, a few pictures and some stories are all that remain. Unfortunately for anybody who has made it this far you are about to read a few.

She was born and raised in hard times, and in many ways never really managed to escape. But, she never used that as an excuse to stop trying, or complain about her fate. She worked until she couldn't. And it never bothered her.

We would take my Mom to visit people. It was only a couple of hours, and she enjoyed the trip, or at least pretended to. And I know she loved to see the people. These were her past, her family, and her connection to her long departed husband. Whose passing weighed on her almost daily.

Looking back, it is certain she had fun, and everybody enjoyed seeing her, too. It was a joy watching my family having such a good time. My Uncle Kenny (married to my dads sister) always teased her about being younger than she was, and he was, by a whole day. His birthday is tomorrow.

She was proud, and wanted to pay her way. One time she wanted to pay for breakfast, and headed
toward the register, my cousin Rick took chase. A waitress, almost a perfect fit for a small cafe in a small town in the west, said, "he's going to catch you." She picked up the pace and managed to pay.

We would see her brothers Joe and Matt (the twins) on the way through. It was just for a cup of coffee, maybe a light lunch, but the connection was immediate, and wonderful. Life's simple pleasures can be the best. Why does that always take so long to learn?

She suffered through a degenerative eye disease, and her doctor told her she should quit smoking. She did, though she complained bitterly I think she was always proud of the feat, a woman in her eighties, who had smoked for 60 years and she quit. Of course, she had enough fight in her that she made my little sister promise to tell everybody that quitting smoking is what killed her. She never lost her sense of humor, or irony.

A double mastectomy, also in her eighties, hardly slowed her down. She spent the night, and the next at the hospital, but on the second day, she got up, made her bed, and called my sister to come get her, because I was too slow. "People were looking at me." Yes, mom, you had your time in the sun, after major surgery, now stop eating all their broth, clean up your mess, and get out.

When we went to check on her after she went home she was having difficulty with some of the post operation hygiene, and it was more than I could handle, I rushed to the car, got my wife, and sent her in to take care of things, she really is a good wife (I have tested that also). For years afterward I would remind her how I was there when she needed me. My wife and my mom had a good laugh about that.

So happy birthday, Mom, thanks for everything. In the words of James Joyce "Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghole of a world a Mother's love is not." I always knew she loved me, deserved, or not.

*Sorry this went on so long. She deserved better and I guess this is my way of apologizing. 

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Big news, sooner or later, if we can find it.

It is not the best time to be opening a new production facility, but the old saying there are no mistakes only learning opportunities, and we have learned a lot, more every day.  A constant stream of lessons parading across our desks have given us a unique opportunity to be smarter than we were yesterday. 

Wow, we have learned a lot. Just yesterday we learned about using China plates as Frisbees. It was a wonderfully loud lesson with lots of little lessons wrapped up inside a larger lesson.

For one thing don’t pick up shards of broken plates by grabbing piles of them with your hands. That was a valuable lesson. Another lesson, don’t tell the person who owned the plates how they broke. Wow, that was some lesson. With lots of loud, colorful language. But, that is another story.
Anyway, we opened a new design and production facility in a secret location. It is so secret we can’t even tell you where it isn’t, It might be a clue.  And, most of us don’t know where it is anyway. Though we do know, at least some of us, at least some of the places it isn’t. 

Anyway, we needed someplace to assemble our newest project, which is so secret that most of us
aren’t even too sure what it is. But, it is going to bring in some big money. And critical acclaim, and the adoration of the public at large.

Not all of the public, of course, there are people who won’t be happy. There are always those who disdain progress.  You can’t get please everybody without breaking some eggs, or something like that. We aren’t going to worry about them, or their eggs.


We are excited about the opportunities this provides, if we could remember what it was, or where it was being built. And when we can tell anybody you will be the first to know, right after us. Maybe we should have drawn a map. 

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Success is Difficult, but We Had No Idea.

How times have changed. Over the years we, here at Life Explained Ohio Office (LEHO), have dealt with setbacks, failures, fruitless incursions into the bizarre world of near misses, and the almost fatal close calls that accompany them with a smile, and a renewed enthusiasm.

It was so easy to be the underdog, nobody ever expected much, so a wine fueled fist fight in the commissary leading to a rocket attack in the parking lot, and a car, or house sent through a wormhole and ending up on a distant planet where tax rates are ridiculously high was no surprise. Just another day, really, everybody loves a loser, right?

But, our recent success has left us wanting more. A little is never enough, and a lot is a not even close. We want more. A lot more.

Since we were never sure how, or why we succeeded. In fact we are not even sure of the degree of our success, a new office in the Northeast, and an even newer office in India has left us scrambling for answers.

To that end we hired a anthropological psychologist to explain the "dynamics of office expansion and growth potentialities in a global market place" to us. It was illuminating.

Turns out humans in a corporate environment display strong, primitive instincts remarkably similar to chimpanzees in the wild. Displays of pack tendencies are exhibited almost constantly. He said a trip to a company luncheon would bear this out. Watch the way different departments would congregate at isolated locations, and only grudgingly allow the personnel from other offices to join.

Wow, he nailed it. We could learn a lot from this guy. But, his time was over, and he wouldn't be
back for a whole week. We could not wait that long, and why should we? Education, inquisitiveness, and the ability to assimilate information got us this far. We would seek answers on our own.

But, where do we find information on wild chimpanzees? Dr. Dawg suggested Jane Goodall. She knows a lot about primates, maybe she knew something about chimpanzees. But, she would not return our calls after a little incident at a scientific awards ceremony. Tequila sunrises are dangerous, and guacamole leaves a nasty stain on an evening gown.

Fortunately there a lot of people who wrote a lot of books. We went and got one at the library. We just opened it randomly and started reading. We were starving for information, and we were ready to devour everything we could find.

"It began as a border patrol. At one point.. they spotted Goliath, apparently hiding only 25 meters away. The raiders rushed madly down the slope to their target. While Goliath screamed and the patrol hooted and displayed, he was held and beaten and kicked and lifted and dropped and and bitten and jumped on... They kept up the attack for 18 minutes... He, too, was never seen again."*

WHAT? This is terrible! We were obviously in perilous straights here. Turns out chimpanzees are real jerks, and if they find a loner from another department they will tear it to pieces.

We had to act quickly. We hurried to the kitchen, in a pack, and erased our name from the sign up sheet for the Halloween party. Down that path lies problem. Then we hurried back and locked the door the lab, after stopping for a handful of candy from the bucket on the file cabinet over by the marketing department.

*Richard Wrangham and Dale Peterson Demonic Males: Apes and the Origins of Human Violence.


Help us in our efforts to save the world.

It was an ordinary day, here at the Life Explained Ohio Office (LEOhO). We had emptied the dish washer, made a fresh pot of coffee, and microwaved a breakfast burrito. Egg, jalapeno and cheese, (El Monterey, on sale at Kroger* for eighty nine cents**). When it struck us, we have expanded!

This is the big time. We have a top secret facility in the Great North East, (LENO) where they specialize in technology to enhance the performance of athletes through applied technology. Mostly, it seems like they use the time honored tradition of applying the right force, to bend the rules enough to give one team an advantage. It is next level stuff, the kind of thing you would expect from a world class facility.

Now we are introducing a Top Secret Facility in India (LEIO, or something, I don't know that we have the appropriate acronym yet). So far this office specializes in a more metaphysical examination of the expansion of self awareness. Using techniques heretofore thought impossible our officer in charge has challenged people to use time more wisely, and take each day as a unique opportunity. Perhaps the best advice you will ever get from this blog, so you should listen.

Should we rest on our laurels, and let the acclaim fall from the skies in waves of adoration, and accolades? Should we enjoy our success, and let things fall naturally into place. Probably not, not while there are problems that need solved, and assistance that needs rendered, and time that needs killed.

We are now accepting applications for the next Life Explained Office, in the Life Explained World Domination Campaign!

So, if you have an ax to grind, or a point of view to express, or some words dying to escape the prison of your mind we might have the place for you. The pay is lousy, the hours are short, and the requirements are the ability to fit in with the other Life Explained offices.

We need people who have little sense of moderation, a robust sense of the ridiculousness of life,  and don't live in the midwest, the northeast, or India. It wouldn't hurt if you had an interesting story to tell, and could tell it over and over again in different ways, with somewhat different endings, too.

Apply within.

*by the way, Kroger, and El Monterey, we are still looking for a sponsor.

**We really don't know how much they cost, we just made that up. They were in the freezer and we were hungry and they looked so good we ate them. Our apologies to whoever paid for them.


Monday, October 26, 2015

Life Explained, by the Life Explained India Office

One bizarre fact about living is knowing that one day you won't. Let's start from the start. I was about 5 foot smaller than I am now when I was born. I weighed about 60 kg less. Astonishingly, I could not even talk. I could not even walk.

I recently had a new member introduced to our family. Incidentally, he is small too. Neither can he walk, nor can he talk. Hell! He pisses in his pants, and he can't even tell everyone of what he just did (not that he would want to). Poor kid. So difficult is life for him now. It was once for me too. Mom says everyone goes through the phase. I think she is right. Mom also says life may not exactly be difficult for the kid. She might again be right.

Then, with time I grew up. I went to school. Made wonderful friends. Learnt what I thought was necessary. Then, in no time everything became a 'blast from the past'. All the good stuff became sweet memories. Rarely, I get to meet my friends. My academic career in the aftermath became a bit of 'hit and miss' too. So, what was the point of all that? If we got to loose everything at some point. Why life addicts us to them initially?

I met a friend at the day of writing this post. I felt he had changed since the last time we met. Shockingly, he changed for better. I remember this guy who I often advised on why to be positive, and why he would do big things in life. The same boy this day tried his level best to explain to me the reason to have an open attitude toward life. To live in the present. He did not need to say a word, really. He was himself an example of a welcome change.

Let us consider something serious. I am alive now. I would assume that you are alive too if you are reading this (disclaimer: it's not mandatory to be alive to be reading this). I will die sometime. You will too, only if you are alive in the first place (disclaimer: to die, it is mandatory to be alive, you can blame nature for that). However, the timing of death has not been mentioned to us. Unfortunately, it could be the next moment. Let's take in another situation. Think of things you enjoy (the little things like jumping from 8,000 metres above sea-level, with a parachute of course). How about I tell you that the RIDE you enjoy, you can sit on it for free, but the ride will never stop. Do you still want to get on it? Just that RIDE is life.

At the time of writing this post, my referred friend is not someone who has achieved it all. He may become one, he might not. He is enjoying his moment, he understands CHANGE is life. He has learnt to love his life, to LIVE his life. Have you?

All I wrote here is for me. I share it still for no reason. It's nothing new, but still it kind of is. Is it?

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Friends, relationships, and the fear of reprisal,

A friend of mine, +Song Smith has written a very insightful post about protecting your privacy when using the internet. This is an important concern in today's hypersensitive world. She is a thoughtful, entertaining person, who posts polite, interesting articles about life, travels, and a charming cat with an excess of personality.  She has a right to be concerned, too. People are vigilant about anything that might offend them no matter how inoffensive it might be.

But, it reminds me of the power of the internet, an awesome, frightening power. It is so wild, so wonderful, so terrifying, and so intimidating and yet so commonplace we just look at it as part of life.

This morning, a friend of mine from Kuwait sent me an article about Babylon that he is going to post on our history blog. I finished a short story for a contest a friend of mine from New Hampshire is sponsoring, I congratulated a friend of mine from Germany on her recent marriage, and commented on a blog post from a friend in England.

I have never met any of these people, but they are friends, and I have a relationship with all of them. It is through the power of the world wide web.

Back to Song Smith, though. Here is an educated, reasonable, person whose posts express the ebb and flow of life as an adult. There is nothing you couldn't let your Mother read. But, she has to wear the mask of anonymity out of fear of retribution.

There was an old saying; "your right to swing your arm stops just short of my nose." I don't know how true that ever was. Having lived through several decades of hate, envy and bitterness it seems more cliche than rule of thumb. Today noses are being disjointed, and put out of place over the slightest breeze.

Here is a multi-lingual person with a delightful sense of humor, a desire to connect with people and find some kinship being throttled by people whose idea of being moral and proper is holding people to standards that only apply to others.

And, that is the problem with the internet, many people hide behind the distance to attack others, and they should be ignored. And many use the internet to bludgeon others with judgement and hate and they should be ignored, as well. But, too many people are afraid to say, "This is not a problem, this is a solution, only small minded people would mistake the two."

We have unique opportunity to bring the world closer together, find similarities, common areas of interest, a chance to see in others the things we enjoy in ourselves. But, if we only see the things that frighten us about ourselves it becomes a wedge that drives us further apart, and fills us with dread, and hate.




Which direction will society look, nobody knows, history doesn't offer much insight, but at the same time it does not inspire much optimism.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Life Explained, the Early Days

How do you measure success?  It is a private calculation, one that everybody needs to write for themselves. Money, fame, recognition for achievement are all metrics, but we, here at Life Explained Ohio Office, like to measure success in advertising dollars.

Unfortunately, we have fallen short of our goals, which were modest by today's standard, only $250.000.00, so far we have only cleared $000,000.00. Obviously we have some work to do.

With that in mind we have hired a new advertising agency. But, without any advertising revenue, we were a little limited in our choices, all of the really good organizations are a little pricey. Many of them wouldn't even return our emails, and the one who answered the phone actually laughed out loud when we started counting the change from the sofa cushions. A little rude, but it was worse when they hung up.

But, innovation r' us®*.  And we persevered. We actually started our own advertising agency. The Life Explained Advertising Agency. It was a great idea, we should have thought of this years ago.

We are lining up all sorts of events, and endorsements, and commercial opportunities. There are celebrities, and statesmen, and elected officials all in the cue for future events to help celebrate the story of the birth of Life Explained.

It is a great story, too. A dog scientist and a couple of human engineers, and graduate students striking out on their own. Nothing but a covered wagon, a used printer, a dream, and a couple of dollars, we started across the Rockies. But the snows came early and we were stuck in a pass, with nothing but some canned beans and a faulty microwave assembled hastily from the printer, things looked desperate.

But, we persevered, and using the planks from the bottom of the wagon we built a few rudimentary buildings, and stocked them as best we could. It was touch and go, we hunted for local game, and trapped, and fished, and panned for gold. Just as a side note, the red berries on evergreens make an awful wine, but we’ve had worse.

But, we persevered, and built a few more buildings using logs and sticks, and rocks. We fashioned a crude system of cables using twigs, and bark as rope to transfer goods and people to and from the mountain top. It was really ingenious, man we were so smart.

Pretty soon people were coming from everywhere to check out our new settlement. And that is how we founded Aspen, Colorado.**

Who wouldn’t want to be a part of that story?

Don't forget to tune in tomorrow when we talk about how we subdued the Boxer Rebellion, a touching story involving a corrupt referee and some hellacious left jabs, and right crosses. And the Eye of the Tiger, by the 80's rock band Survivor.



*Not really registered, yet, but we are going to work on it as soon as we save enough money, don’t forget the life explained garage, rummage and bake sale, coming to a neighborhood near you.


** Not really, this was written by the Life Explained Advertising Agency.  For a free quote email us at tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Commercials, the television of the future.

We here, at Life Explained, Ohio Office, love commercials, at least some of us. Some of us want to rush past them while watching recorded programs. Why, we wonder, these are one minute masterpieces, life in sixty seconds. No big time commitment, no serial requirements, just a brief foray into a world of wonder, and miracles.

Chester Cheetah kills us, at least some of us. With his dry humor, and his distinguished, intelligent accent. For sixty seconds he orchestrates chaos, and lunacy. With a delightful conclusion that brings harmony, and a quick escape. It is television at its finest. But, some of us want to scream past Chester's exploits so we can get back to some show that lasts forever and is part of an infinite series. And we do love Cheetos, all of us.

We even love political commercials. Where else can you find out all of the horrid things about people running for office, or the potential stupidity, and possible constitutional violation of state bills. In the city where our top secret laboratory is located we are trying to elect a new mayor. Long ago both candidates gave up any pretense of getting elected on their merits or their stance on the issues. It has become a slog of convincing voters that no matter how despicable they seem their opponent would be a worse choice. "I am an awful person, but that guy wishes he was me."  Educating voters is a waste, entertain them, manipulate their fears, and hope for the best. And we love it!

One exception to our unbridled passion for television's greatest entertainment, local car companies. OMG, WTF! Who comes up with some of these things? Sitting around discussing sales goals, and buyer incentives does one guy say, "you know what would be funny? If we dress up like cavemen, and have big clubs, and pretend to sell cars to people from the future, that would be funny."* What is really amazing is nobody says, "no, that wouldn't be funny, that would be kind of dumb." So, if you work for a car dealership, and you are hoping for our vote for a peoples choice award, it is going to cost you, a lot.

*If you see somebody using this ploy in a commercial don't tell anybody you read it here, please, I beg of you.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

And Now a Public Service Announcement from LENO


I have good and bad news for all of you today. The good news is that we have taken control of Life Explained Ohio Office [LEOO] and have Tim and Dr Dawg tied up in the back room. The bad news is that we from the Life Explained Northeast Office [LENO] are using the facilities to do more of the very experiments that matter to us and affect you. Of course this will involve our latest advancement in football technology that we had worked long and hard with our new partners at Volkswagen to engineer the software that makes football more enjoyable, for us up here in New England anyway.

Our test runs over the last weekend involving the New England Patriots (YAY!) and the Indianapolis Colts (BOO!) didn’t exactly go as we had expected, but we measure our progress in much larger scale than the average football aficionados. The new software Getthosephawkingcolts v2.1 that we were able to install on the time clocks had a slight timing error and will require some better tweeking in the coming revisions. It appears that while we were able to make the clocks run slower and faster based on bad algorithms was a start in the right direction, but of course seemed to favor the home team (The Colts BOO!) and not the visiting team (The Patriots YAY!) or did it?

Through great efforts and research that we had put into place over the last 15 or so years of actual Patriots (YAY!) and Colts (BOO!) rivalry, scientific research had determined that dejection is the best way to treat the games. Who among us can forget the way Peyton Manning would be in tears on the sidelines as the Patriots (YAY!) found ways to humiliate him? Where it was determined that the Colts (BOO!) team this year is really really bad, we here at Life Explained Northeastern Office [LENO] and our friends at Volkswagen took great care to make sure that there was an actual appearance that the Colts (BOO!) had a chance of winning the game. These enhancements to game play using patented Getthosephawkingcolts technology did the job better than we had anticipated, by ripping the hearts out of the Colts (BOO!) faithful multiple times throughout the night!

Stay tuned folks for what we come up with to enhance game play this weekend as we test out a new software system that is still going through the testing process over in Germany code named Getthosephawkingjets! It is a little trickier of a system as the head coach of the Jets (BOO!) seems to be a lot more competent than the head coach of the Colts (BOO!) despite the same reaction to the mention of the team names. Of course we would have stood a much better chance with our new technology had we not messed up Operation Nose Breaker [ONB] thinking that our spy (Matt Cassel) would be traded to the Jets (BOO!) instead of the Cowboys (LOL!). We won’t let that happen again.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Music soothes the savage blogger.

Mary, at Jingle Jangle Net was kind enough to let me write a guest post about one of my favorite bands, the Del Lords, go check it out. It is your civic duty.

And if you like rock and roll from the old days, join their facebook page, and buy their albums, they are great.  Tell them Tim sent you, if they say Tim who? just laugh, those guy are such kidders.

Check out the video, tap your feet, and sing along, I always do.

Thank you +Mary Burris I am very grateful!



Shopping, gambling, and some snacks.

Yesterday we went shopping at the outlet mall. It is an adventure to be sure. It is about halfway between Columbus, and Cincinnati right outside of a small town, maybe two. It is either Jeffersonville, and Washington Courthouse, the signs are inconclusive, and I like the mystery, it makes it seem otherworldly and riddled with doubt so I don't look too closely.

The best part is when you tell someone you are going to the outlet mall and they say "Oh, Jeffersonville," you can reply "No. Washington Courthouse." Either way is right, with deep ties to the founding fathers.

There is a feel to an outlet mall. Something primal, and savage. Something that calls from a history that is much older than the founding of our country. Maybe they are built on ancient burial grounds, and the spirits of the hunter gatherers are assuming temporary control of shoppers seeking the ultimate bargain.

It is more prevalent in some stores, and at certain times, later in the day is untrammeled savagery, but some stores must be on spiritual hot spots. The Eddie Bauer store is a place where you have to be prepared to stand your ground right from the opening whistle. Hanging on a circular display where shirts, and vests and assorted jackets, all 50% off original price.

On one side a sweet looking older lady was shoving the hangars to the left, sure the ultimate garment for the perfect price was hanging there. One quarter of the way to the left was another kindly looking older lady shoving them back to the right. The sound of the hangers slamming into each other echoed around the store.  She was equally certain the grail of garments was hanging there.

Soon, they had worked there way all the around the rack and came face to face with each other over a medium insulated jacket, with a media pocket, rip stop fabric and a removable hood. For $39.95 it was quite a deal, and it was the bargain they were both hunting.

If you could picture the clash of the titans between two somebodies grandmas and an Eddie Bauer outlet mall employee over a deeply discounted jacket you will have the scene. Soon the other shoppers had formed a circle around the contest, and bets were being placed, and some quick thinking bargain hunter started selling concessions, mostly Ritz crackers topped with canned cheese, for 35 cents each, and warm bottles of water.

Rip stop fabric is more of rip resistant than tear proof. When the Eddie Bauer associate started to get
the upper hand, and the two kindly old women began to suspect that neither would get the jacket they turned on him, and wrapped one of the sleeves around his neck, and started dragging him around the luggage display. The sleeve tore off of the jacket, and the associate was resuscitated by the referee.

"Oh, you can have the jacket, dear," one grandma said to the other.

"I couldn't, honey. Let's go to the food court and I will buy you a nice cup of cocoa," the other replied.

I got a great deal on a new vest, $17.95, but I lost ten dollars on the fight, I bet on the young man working for Eddie Bauer.

All in all it was a pretty good day, if you like canned cheese and Ritz crackers.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Big day, Great day Saturday.

Tomorrow we are off in pursuit of the elusive Central Ohio Bargain. We are not all that fussy, it doesn't have to be a Central Ohio Bargain, it can be a Southern Ohio Bargain, we are headed south to the outlet mall. And, it doesn't have to be all that great of a bargain, just a decent price.

It is a big day because we go to First Watch for breakfast, and make a big deal of everything. Anybody who knows me understands I enjoy making a big thing out of everything. It adds substance to life. Artificial substance is the best kind. For one thing it is much lighter and more manageable than real substance, which can be so substantial.

Substance can also be pricey if you aren't careful. Not only in costs, but also in expectations. A man of substance is expected to behave to a certain code of ethics, and responsibilities. No walking away from things that might seem a little difficult or time consuming. Keep your chin up, and stare discomfort and turmoil in the face, suffering in stoic silence. Well, no thank you. When the going gets tough, I am going to bust a move on out of here, if you catch my drift.

And you know, there is all this mystique, and about the "strong, silent type." Well, friend, that ain't me. They will take my griping and complaining when they pry it from my cold, dead hands. Moreover,  there is a terrible misconception swirling around this country about the value of sacrifice, well let me tell you, let some of those big shot billionaires, and their loud mouth lackey congress people sacrifice for a change, I've done my share, and I am sick of... Oops, sorry lost track there.

Anyway, tomorrow is a grand day, and I will tell you all about it, in  obsessive detail with pictures, and I think, since I am kind of stuck in a Producer/Director loop from which I powerless to exit maybe even a movie. Bargains, breakfast and big times, the movie, bought to you by First Watch, a great place to eat, and have coffee, lots of coffee.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

No more free lunches

It has been brought to our attention that the IRS would like to change the rules regarding "employer provided meals." They, presumably, just want their piece of the pie and the cake and the pizza and their slab of the bologna and spam and chopped ham. They just want cut of the meatloaf and the lasagna and the... well, you get the idea.

It is a sad day, here at Life Explained. We enjoy buying lunch, and sometimes dinner, an occasional bottle of wine, maybe some smooth Kentucky bourbon, or 18 year old Scotch, or even tapping a pony keg now and again to honor our hard working associates, It has always been a chance to say "thanks, there has not been one unintended explosion or death this week and we are very grateful."

But, thanks to the greed that is consuming our federal government, and their jack booted legions, that is a thing of the past.

Just to be safe we are not stopping there. What if the IRS decides that the use of the elevator should be considered a perk "equal to the direct cost of the" electricity, and service needed to operate and maintain that elevator. We put a credit card reader on that bad boy.

Wait, we thought, what about water, and hand soap, and toilet paper. What about all of those years all of those freeloaders have been using our refrigerator to keep their puny, petty little lunches cold, and bacteria free? Slamming down cups of company provided coffee, damn. And think of the money we wasted on air conditioning, and heat, so the ingrates could be comfortable. What about all that stuff, whose been footing the bill for that?

We have, that's who! Man, these guys have been playing us for suckers. It makes our skin crawl.

Quick, somebody call the purchasing department on the payphone, in the hallway, and see what kind of deal we can get on coin slots and card readers if we buy them in bulk. Oh, and send a nice thank you basket of muffins to the IRS.



This post was bought to you by the hardworking associates of the IRS.*












*Not really, but we are still looking for sponsors and you guys could use a little good publicity for a change.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

A little something about me.

Recently a very wise young man wrote a post about his life. Focusing on things that made him unique, the things that set him apart and the things that let him fit in, too. It was a great post, and as with so much of his work, I enjoyed it immensely.  Plus it was such a great idea I decided to steal it. Hey, steady now, it happens all of the time.

"Les Miserables" was actually from a blog post I wrote in 1847 about a waitress working at a coffee shop in Paris Texas who got a parking ticket for leaving her VW Beetle in the middle of the intersection right when the cattle drive was coming through town. The ensuing hilarity of the police chasing a wise cracking waitress divorcee through a small Texas town inspired what many consider to be one of the greatest novels of all time. Plus, it inspired Burt Reynolds to make "Smokey and the Bandit."

No, that never really happened. I just made that up.

But, last weekend I went to pickup some arugula, endives, and scallops at the local market. I was going to make one of my signature dishes, delicious, fat free, no sodium, absolutely irresistible. It is so good people have actually committed felonies for a small dab on a rice cracker. Who was there, having a coke? You guessed it, Former Buckeye Legend, ESPN college football analyst, and Coca Cola heartthrob Kirk Herbstreit. He would not let me shop until he got a picture with me.

That didn't really happen, I don't even know what arugula, endives or scallops are. If I wanted a signature dish I would need to sign it, and my wife would be fighting mad.

You know, this whole autobiographical blog thing is a lot harder than originally thought. Maybe I should start small, and work my way up to the truth.

I am a serial dreamer whose life is a maze of confusing facts, and sometimes I pay attention to them. Blogging has given me the ability to act, kind of, on the what Dylan called "a head full of ideas that are drivin' me insane." And everyday is a new day, and an old day, but always a great day, at least part of the time.

Hey, what about you? Tell me a little about yourself, it doesn't have to be true, you know.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Another close one slips away.

This football season has been very trying. I am normally pretty happy if my team plays well enough to win. But, this year I have had to revise that opinion, I think. This year I might have to say I will be happy when the Cornhuskers actually win. 

Losing four games on the opponents final offensive play is an almost impossible feat. You have to work very hard to play just well enough to lose. Would it be that much harder to put in a little more effort and actually end the game with a few more points than the other team? It takes careful planning to get so close and fail.

Why, for example, is the coaching staff so keen on passing on first down? Yesterday it was not working, but yesterday that did not stop them from trying. And it did not stop them from trying against Illinois. In both games the Cornhuskers averaged over 5 yards a carry, and with the game on the line in the 4th quarter they couldn't get a first down to win the game. That is a sign of team that does not know how to win. And losing is not a great tutor. 

I am not advocating firing a coach, but there are plenty of people who will. And, as fans, I suppose that is their right. College sports has become an all or nothing affair, and either you win, big, often and repeatedly or you are a loser, and any team with a history of success feels they deserve better. Nobody wants to wait for better.

It is possible that the worst is behind this team, that the difficult lessons learned over the first six weeks of the season are the bitter medicine and the healing will begin with a big win over Minnesota, and a half season accolades, and victories and glory unimaginable in the darkness covering these poor young men now. I hope so anyway.

I don't know the answer, hell, I don't even understand the question. But, I am a lowly blogger. Last year after Wisconsin ran up and down the field and their talented running back set a single game rushing record against Nebraska a reporter asked Bo Pelini what happened, how things went so poorly. "I don't know," was his answer. He got paid a lot of money to know why Melvin Gordon ran untouched all day long, and it was obvious he was a coach on the way out. Riley needs to find some answers to the malaise that afflicts his team. That is why he makes so much money. And for the sake of the team I love let's all hope he can.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Very Big News.

I am very excited to say we, here at Life Explained, have some wonderful news. We have added the knowledgeable, eloquent, and perceptive +Nael Noaman to the History, and the End blogs.

His understanding, ability and research are perfect examples of the best of blogging. In so many ways his help is going to make these blogs so much better.

For those of you who haven't had the good fortune to read Nael's posts on the Write Wing Whacko you are in for a real treat.  For those of you who have you know the quality and depth of his writing.

I am very excited, and owe a debt of gratitude to +Jeremy Crow for pulling of this wonderful coup.

Please stay tuned to both blogs, you will be very grateful you did.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Taking the Fight to the Man. (from the archives, flashback Friday, and all)

Conformity has some value, it carries the tacit promise of acceptance, along with the comfort of herd like solidarity.  There is physical safety, and emotional well being in belonging to a larger group, its value is unquestionable.

But, it carries a price.  It is the curse of convention that drives individuals to the mainstream, suppressing creativity and strangling innovation.  The need for acceptance has become the excuse for languid, listless, commonplace blah, the last refuge of the uninspired.






Sometimes a person just needs to let their hair down, metaphorically speaking, step a little outside the lines and do something a little different, unusual, something that will set them apart.

Humans are as diverse as they are numerous. Everybody has the potential for free thought, fresh ideas and creative expression of individuality.






Life explained is taking steps to help mankind break free from the shackles of predefined, established expectations.  It is time to dance to your own music, freedom awaits.

To this end we have started the "Life Explained Anti Conformity Movement."  This will be great, finally a stand against the rigid orthodoxy of the established centers of power.  No longer we will have them telling us what to eat, what to watch on TV, how to dress, which books to read, what music is "cool." We are not automatons unable to think for ourselves. We can make up our own mind, dammit.

Right now we are having a manifesto drawn up by our crack legal team, our graphic department is designing a gorgeous flag, and we have a staff of the finest designers, and tailors in the world working up some sketches for the new uniforms...

Maybe we still need to iron out some of the details.  Maybe this should be more of a grass roots thing, volunteers?  

Good news, no great news, maybe

All right, I have taken the leap, right from edge of sanity into the smoldering morass of electronic lunacy. I have walked to the edge of common sense and leaped, willingly into the desperate pit of "what have you done?"  I started my own webpage. I know, brash, foolish, possibly suicidal, but it didn't seem too bad.

+Jeremy Crow told me I should take the plunge, and so far he has given me solid advice on blogging, so what the heck, here it is. My Own Web Page. What Mr. Crow probably didn't realize was incompetence and potential failure have never even given me pause. So, now I have a website, and "a burgeoning online business" without ever making a small amount of progress towards any real knowledge or understanding.

I am selling blog posts. If you want a blog post, check out my web page, it says it all. Or at least it says something, and will say a lot more, as soon as I figure out how to add stuff. Which is a lot harder than typing a blog post about starting a website. And I have done both today, so you can trust me on this.

Right now we are celebrating our "grand opening" with a "BNGO" (buy none get one free) offer. That's right folks, you just tell us what you want to blog about and we will do the rest. With pictures and a video, and words, lots of words.

Check out our site, buy our stuff, and send us your money. This whole capitalism thing might not be such a bad idea after all.


Today's post was bought to you by Schmicks Market in Broken Bow*















And today's musical guest is the Michael Stanley Band singing "Let's Hear It." If you can listen to this and not be happier you and I have much different musical taste. We don't blame you, though.



*Not really, but it could be pretty cheaply, Mr. Schmick, with our website and blogging knowledge and your grocery store we could build an empire together.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Winning, it's for winners, like us

As well as the $25.00 Amazon Gift Card we, here at the Life Explained Subdivision of the Whacko Blogs are going to be taking home soon there is also the small matter of the Twenty Million Google Dollars that will soon be treating us to donuts and exotic, dark roasted, delicious coffee. All we have to do is fly to the moon, drive 500 meters (several dozen feet) and send back some HD video, and it is ours.

Been there, done that, had a picnic and met a few aliens, signed an interplanetary peace treaty, and drank so much wine we didn't feel safe flying home, built a small Motel 6, with an indoor pool and sauna, serving sweet rolls, and frozen bagels for a continental breakfast.

This one is in the bag folks. We still have footage of our last trip.


In fact, when we heard about the laughably easy money to be made Professor Dog actually jumped into a landing module, flew up there and sent back this picture.

I guess it isn't really fair to all of the people who don't have access to such an embarrassing amount of intellect and technology. But, life is not fair. Maybe next time.

Man, this is going to be a good month for the Life Explained accounting department, 20 million and twenty five dollars.

What are you doing for the holiday season?

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Busy day, no time to talk, have to run

This is a very busy day here at Life Explained. For one thing, we had a visitor yesterday, and that always causes a log jam, a bottle neck, an unholy waterfall of unfulfilled responsibilities. Everybody spends the day trying to get in on meetings, and bagels, and pastries, nothing gets done. And there is hell to pay.

"We are going on break, be back in ten."
It was a person from our Brooklyn office, I am not sure what they do there. But, I am not sure what we do here most of the time, and I have been here forever. I was born here, I went to school here, right in this building, I met my wife here, not really, but I have been here a long time. So to recap, I am not sure what they do in the Brooklyn office, or in our top secret facility here in beautiful downtown @#@**!&*#. So, it only stands to reason that I don't know what our visitor from Brooklyn was doing here. Maybe he just stopped by for a bagel or two.

It is widely known that our building is haunted, at least I know it, and tell everybody who will listen.
("Hey, this building is haunted.") We have mannequins, several, who knows why, and they move. You can't see them move, or anything, they are smarter than that. One day they will be in the front of the basement, toward the sidewalk, the next they will be in the back, by the alley. Fortunately they have not figured out how to overwrite the security system on the elevator, or  who knows where they would end up. So, maybe he came by to grab some of the undead wandering around the place, a little halloween shopping.

Whatever the reason, it has made Wednesday, normally a pretty decent day around here, a little tense.

If that were not bad enough we have two new hires. All of the training and paperwork. They are in our new Corporate Lackey Department. We are trying to get a big name, deep pocket sponsor for the Life Explained series of blogs. And since they are not exactly beating a path to our door to dump money on our desks we thought we would take the proactive approach of advertising for several companies until one of them paid us to continue, or paid us to stop, it doesn't really matter. So meet Bob, and Bob, from the Life Explained Advertising Program.


Please, sponsor our blogs, Bob, or Bob might have children, we aren't too sure, they are new, after all.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Don't worry, everything is going to be fine, probably.

Halloween is coming. This is a good time for a public service announcement;

If you are seeing ghosts, goblins, vampires, aliens, werewolves, headless horsemen, poltergeists, or presidential candidates don't be alarmed. They are probably only children dressed up as frightening specters of the netherworld. Except, of course, for the presidential candidates who are adults acting like children.

You are probably safe. A good method to test the safety of any situation is to ask your friend to go first. "Hey, Bob, how about checking out that group of deranged looking characters standing on the steps over there."

"Are you insane? That's the school building, and those are teachers! Remember the murderous, maniacal, wretched years we spent in school? I'm not going anywhere near them. Look at them, standing there armed with text books, and homework, pop quizzes, trips to the principals office, detention, and blinding, boundless hatred."*







"Oh yeah, you're right, lets cut through the graveyard, and across the freeway instead."

The lesson to be learned here is there are always alternatives, and sometimes you don't need to sacrifice your friend. But, don't get too close because sometimes the teachers demons can not be avoided.




*I have nothing but respect for teachers, I love them, all of them, even the ones with razor sharp yardsticks and venomous sarcasm, I guess that is all of them.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Fun Facts, Coming soon.

Today is the first post in a series. Fun Facts. Eventually it will be a video blog, but I am feeling too lazy to start that this morning. It is so peaceful, I am the only one up, the clouds are keeping everything a little darker than normal, the coffee (Sumatran) is fantastic, there is no sound except the tapping of keys, even traffic is kind enough to be missing, and making a video requires an extensive series of manipulations that I just am not in the mood to commit.

It would be one thing if I were more technically inclined, but that is not the case. Muddling through a blog post is the best that will happen.

For one thing, I had to make a new graphic. And it is very nice, if I do say so myself. The background is a condemned parking garage I pass often on my lunchtime walks. But, it wasn't that simple because my lack of expertise allowed my thumb to creep into the original shot, so it had to be cropped.*



Here is the abandoned parking garage from the front.

Actually, there is something about this parking garage that is just appealing. I don't know what it is but almost every time I walk past I snap a few photos. It has shown
up on my blog several times. It might be the colors that seem incongruous on a dying building, it might be the decay, and wretchedness in the heart of all the renovation, I don't know, but it calls when I walk by.

Some buildings have a life of their own, even in death. There is an old building just a block away from where I work, it is huge, and has been unoccupied for years. I have dozens of pictures from several angles, and would love to be able to get inside and see what is there.

















We love to vacation in Louisville, and sometimes we go down to catch a Cardinal basketball game. The Yum Center where the Cards play is right downtown. Not too far from the arena is an old facade, from a long deceased building. The old brick, and the blue sky make such a dramatic contrast. I love that! Every time we walk past there are several new pictures on my phone.

Anyway, that is all we have time for today in "Life Explained, Fun Facts."

Tune in next time when we will have some fun facts, and a video, maybe.



*Speaking of my thumb in pictures, it might be the biggest publicity seeking, camera hog in history. It shows up in more pictures than my lovely wife, whose smile is the greatest reward imaginable. If thumbs could not be cropped out of pictures I would have given up long ago.

Friday, October 2, 2015

A Friday Commute, With Emphasis

Traffic was heavy on my way home from work tonight. I left work a little late, that is always trouble. And there was a very light rain, and that really bogs things down. But, it is Friday, and life has to try pretty hard to ruin the jubilation a weekend brings.

Shuffle was working in harmony with the traffic, keeping perfect time with the ebb and flow of the commute. We were cruising.

Behind me was a Suzuki XL7, silver, with a personalized plate, "GRANMA1" Two older women were chatting amiably, casually in the front seat, and it looked like there were a couple more elderly ladies behind them. Everything was slow, but moving, a live version of Maggie's Farm was playing, and it was great.

Soon, though, the gentle, kindly ladies in the car behind me were starting to get a little anxious. They were swerving into the median to see if things were starting to break up ahead, but it was a solid, slow moving parade as far as could be seen.

When I looked in my rear view mirror I could see them passing wine, drinking right from the bottle, and lighting cigarettes using a can of sterno. The passenger opened a 16 ounce can of beer. She rolled down her window, and flipped the bird to the truck driver stuck beside them.

From their aggressive maneuvers (falling back and then speeding to catch up, almost hitting my car)
it was obvious they were becoming impatient. When the COTA bus cruised past in the median it was more than they could bear.

Jamming their car into the shoulder right behind the bus the driver stomped onto the accelerator and slammed into the bumper. The passenger threw an empty quart beer bottle at the back of the bus.

Central Ohio bus drivers are trained professionals and know how to deal with threats. From the drivers window a mostly empty bourbon bottle described a perfect arc over the top of the bus, and landed almost exactly in the center of the Suzuki's windshield. It was a terrible sound as the windshield cracked and split.

A tremendous kick from the passenger drove the ruined windscreen out of the car and onto the side of the road. It made it easier to open fire on the defiant bus.

In fear for their lives the passengers on the bus returned fire, It was hard to say which was worse the noise, the stench, or the potential traffic jam that could result from this exchange, delaying the commute for hours.

As they drove out of sight, still in the median, still moving much faster than the rest of us, I saw the passenger and both "ladies" from the back seat scrambling out the hole where the front window used to be, jumping on the bus, and throwing tear gas grenades into the holes the gunfire had opened.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Efforts are always rewarded, sometimes.


Things have been picking up at work, which is nice, for the most part.  It is nice to know that the company is going to continue to write paychecks, a guy can really get used to those.  And, people are much more "manageable" when they have something to do.  There are all kinds of benefits.  Sometimes things get a little hectic, though, and I am not always the best person to be around in stressful situations.  But, so far we are all still on speaking terms, almost, for the most part.  At least everybody is still talking to me, most of the time, and it is generally pretty amiable, and that is how a manager should be judged, we can all agree on that, right.

Anyway, I thought with all of the additional work and the stress involved it seemed a little reward was in order.  Donuts, for everyone!

I stopped at the donut shop, I am not going to mention the name, no endorsements, or lawsuits, here, but we will call it Him Torton's for convenience sake.  We (my family, and I) like to shop at Him Torton's because they have very good donuts, and we support the local economy.  Not that Him Torton's is local, but they seem to be tied very closely with our local NHL team, the Columbus Blue Jackets (Motto; "Hey, that is one nice blazer!"  "Thanks, it is Azure.").  And without them we would have a big, empty building downtown, which is very bad for the economy.  I like to do my part.

Since I go to work pretty early stopping for donuts is a simple task.  There is hardly ever anyone in line ahead of me, and the parking lot is almost empty.  After hurrying across the drive through lane, always dangerous, day, night, whenever, and walking up to the counter an employee greeted me, and boxed up the donuts of my choosing.

Here is a particularly important point.  Always choose your own donuts, never let them grab a prepackaged dozen and pawn that off on you.  You have no idea what is inside and you might be the most hated man at work.

Now, my donuts are packaged, and we have agreed, the Him Torton's employee, and me, that I don't want any coffee, or hot chocolate, and he sets down my donuts, on the counter, by the cash register, and walks off.   About fifteen feet (457 centimeters) away he begins assembling breakfast sandwiches.

I am left, standing there, fiddling nervously with a handful of napkins.  In the background "Lido Shuffle" by Boz Scaggs is playing;

"He'll be makin' like a bee line,
Headin' for the border line,
Goin' for broke, sayin'
One more hit ought to do it,
This joint, ain't nothin' to it,
One more for the road,"

Should I grab the donuts and leave?  But, my wife gave me a gift card to Him Torton's with specific instructions.  "Use this card, and don't lose it, and try to remember how much is left on the card when you are done."  What am I going to say?

"There is still $25.00 left on the gift card, and yes, I did buy donuts, no I didn't pay cash, and no I didn't use a credit card.   I didn't pay for them at all.  They just gave me a dozen donuts." Somehow this will all end up to be my fault.

Fortunately another employee asked if he could help me.  I told him I wanted to pay for my donuts.
 He looked at me, and my box of donuts suspiciously, (he must have thought I was trying to buy someone elses donuts, or maybe I had packaged my own) and we kind of stood there for a few tense minutes, looking at my box of donuts.  Finally he asked how many there were, I said a dozen, and he let me pay, and I was off.

Things like this are always happening to me.  But, the donuts were good, and everybody appreciated them.  So, it was worth it.  Next time, they get bagels, though.