Great vacations, an historical perspective.

To appease the demons of Mid Life Crisis I have decided to tackle a new career.  At first I was going to buy a sports car, but couldn't make up my mind between the Toyota Prius, and the Ford Fiesta.  Hey, MPG has to count for something.  Motorcycles, and parachuting, and white water rapid rafting, and gator wrestling, and bull riding, and all of those things that are potentially very painful are out of the question.  So, a new career is a good choice.  

Here is the beautiful bit, I can start this new career, which pays absolutely nothing right now, while keeping my current position which pays me pretty well.  The best of both worlds.

I have decided to become a historian, :"a student or writer of history."  It is a great field to get into, because there is so much history, and it seems to go on forever, literally, there are books, and more books, whole shelves filled with books, just dedicated to the past.  Plus, it offers a unique opportunity to attempt to explain life, and that is why I started this blog in the first place, so long ago.  

One week from today I will be on vacation, and recently I found out the writer of one of the best blogs around Mike Raven from The Blog of Thog will be on vacation even sooner so it only makes sense (to me, anyway) to take the angle of Vacation Historian, everybody needs a fresh angle, right?

Genghis Khan visits China.

It was around the year 1207, and the Steppes were beginning to close in on the Great Khan and his people. It was decided that they would pack up, take a little trip, things were going well at home, and visiting China to the south might be nice.  

At the time China was one of the worlds most advanced empires, and had wonderful shops filled with fantastic clothes, entertainment, food, and culture, What well armed, nomadic Mongol army wouldn't love to vacation there.

After trekking across vast plains that seemed to merge into one great, endless, infinite expanse of unchanging, monotonous, landscape, with thousands of kids all saying "are we there yet?" "can we stop so I can go to the bathroom?" "why is he touching me? stop touching me."  The mighty Khan had just about had enough.

Stopping for a bite to eat, "I will take a Kung Pao chicken, two egg rolls, and a Coke, please."

"Is Pepsi OK?"

That was more than the Khan could bear.  "Do you think the Flail of God has endured these many, endless days of childish bickering, exorbitant prices, hours and hours in the saddle to settle for Pepsi?"  And the problems began. 

Tomorrow we will discuss Attila's Quest for The Perfect Italian Bistro.

Safety is our primary goal.

For most of the history of the company nobody felt the need for more than one security guard.  He sat by the front door, behind a big desk, with a raised counter that barely concealed a bank of monitors hooked to cameras scattered throughout, and around the exterior of, the building.  In fact, many people with some responsibility for the budget felt that the only reason there was a security guard at all was to justify the purchase and installation of all those cameras.

It seemed like a valid point, occasionally he dozed but most times he had a small television nestled in the midst of the monitors and watched daytime television.  It was not unusual to enter the building and find the giant, muscular man, billy club, and tear gas spray attached firmly to his black leather, police style duty belt, crying over the latest tragedy on one of the soap operas to which he had become addicted.  It was a little touching, a little sad, and a little troubling, and many people would avoid using the front door between the hours of 11:00 and 2:30.  Those became known as the "weeping hours."  We thought about taking away his night stick, for his own safety, but didn't really want to cause any more distress.

That all changed on that awful day in October.  We made the mistake of hiring an intern without completely vetting him.  He was only going to be there for five or six months, and was mostly in charge of assembling the vital supplies, necessary, and crucial to the execution of a successful business meeting.  Legal pads, and pens for doodling, and writing notes, donuts, bagels, pastries, and coffee for consumption, and pitchers of iced water, with slices of lemon for... well nobody is sure why those are there, but they do look lovely.

Had anybody looked more closely we might have discovered the interns ties to a notorious band of software pirates, agents of industrial espionage, and corporate raiders.  It was kind of disappointing, and you can believe there are several new questions on the application!  

One day, while Bob, the security guard was sobbing into a beach towel, bemoaning the fate of Susan, who lost her baby, her husband and her prized roses in one ten minute segment, between a commercial for bleach, and an advertisement for hair color guaranteed to rid a person of gray, adding a more youthful appearance, and provided a richer and more fulfilling life.  Jill, from the secretarial pool, stopped to console him, holding him and patting his back.  She noticed something odd on a couple of the monitors.

Bob leapt into action, shut off the soap opera, patted the handle of his billy club, and pepper spray, put on his uniform hat, and called the police, who arrested all of the intruders, and the intern, shook Bob's hand and gave him a commendation for quick action, and a clear telephone voice and left.

We are so grateful Bob was there.  We gave him a raise, a new chair, a box of tissues, and took away two of the security monitors so he would have room for a bigger television.  

Vacation, what a great idea.

In one week and two days I will be on vacation.  There is something about vacation, something spiritual, something heavenly, something powerful, wonderful, and liberating.  People who have vacation scheduled are always a little happier, a little more cheerful, they smile more, are more liable to whistle.  

"Hey, Phil, can you compile a list of all known clients who have purchased anything with any value from anybody in the whole world in the last two centuries?"

"Sure can, Bob, have it done before lunch, and then I will buy you lunch.  Is pizza ok?  Bring your whole family, my treat."

People who have just returned from vacation are sullen, venomous, and range anywhere from manic depression to homicidal rage.  Angry, resentful, and incendiary, they are best avoided.

"Hey, Phil, how was your vacation?"

"Hey, Bob, how about you kiss my a$$!"

For the longest time we had to hire armed security to keep the two groups separated.  We opened a new break room, (it cut down on the fire fights in over coffee, and donuts) and designated a "vacation scheduled lavatory," and a "just returned restroom" with padded fixtures and stalls that will not lock.  People are required to wear slip on shoes or surrender their shoelaces before using that facility.

It was a good temporary solution, but then we came up with a great idea.  A vacation planner!  The minute you return from work you need to start planning for your next vacation.  On your first day back, the minute you walk in the door, our grief counselor vacation planner is waiting with brochures of potential vacation spots, filled with glossy photos or beautiful people having an extraordinarily good time doing all sorts of fun things, smiling, laughing and just vacationing the heck out of things.

It is an amazing transformation, crushed and defeated to delighted and overjoyed in minutes.  They start filling in dates on calendars, calling loved ones, and singing songs of joy.  We have saved a bundle on first aid supplies.

An Award, for me? Wow.

This blog has had the distinct honor of being nominated for the Liebster Award.  It was a gift from a very distinguished, serious blogger, +christy barongan, who writes the "Normal in Training" blog.  Sometimes I look at life as a series of accidents, random, scattered mishaps, that we are all just trying to get past, that there is no greater need in life than making it through today.  And Ms. Barongan's blog is antidote to my complete disregard for convention.  She is thorough, and offers insight into the needs of daily interactions.  It is too easy for me to look at everybody I spend time with as the next hazard, or puzzle that needs to be avoided, if possible, or solved if unavoidable.

In truth, when I wrote my first blog post, so long ago, I intended to tackle the difficulties of living, but that was too hard, so I opted for the absurd, and have never looked back, but to this day look with envy on the people who are trying to figure things out, and help others do the same.

So thank you, for the nomination, +christy barongan and for writing such a compelling blog.

Here are the rules for the award,

Liebster Rules

In order to participate, Liebster nominees must:

1.  Thank the person who nominated you. (Thank you, +christy barongan it was very nice, and I am sorry UVA and Tony Bennett did not go further.)

2. Answer the 11 questions given to you.

3. Nominate at least 5 blogs with less than 200 followers (approximately).

4.  Post 11 questions for your nominees to answer.

5.  Post a comment on your nominees' blogs to let them know that they've been nominated.

Here are the questions Ms. Barongan asked,

1.  What job would make you say, "I can't believe I get paid to do this!"

I am not sure, I guess, I would love to be a historian, that is kind of recent, but I have been geeking on history podcasts.  That kind of stuff consumes me.

2.  What's the last dream that you remember?

It was about a giant spider (I hate spiders) in the basement, an absurdly big spider, it was so ridiculous it was not even a nightmare, which leads me to the conclusion I can't even dream correctly.
3.  Who was your favorite character on "The Brady Bunch" and why?

What was the dog's name?  I don't like "The Brady Bunch."  I grew up with the Brady's and hated their popularity, and uniquely wonderful life.  They never even had to stay after school to clean erasers, uppity, pretentious, do-gooder snobs.

4.  What was your New Year's Resolution this year? 

Lose weight and exercise more, right on track to ignore both, leaving my record of failure unblemished.

5.  What do you want to be remembered for? 

Being a decent person, who was nice to people and fun to be around, I still have some time, right?
6.  What advice would you give to someone who is thinking about starting a blog?

Do it!  It is a great way to exercise your mind, and you might even get nominated for an Award, Thank You, +christy barongan!
7.  How many jumping jacks can you do in a minute?

I don't know, but it would not be very many.  I can guess, but am not going to find out.  See #4.
8.  If you could put 3 things into a time capsule, what would they be?

Bob Dylan's "Blood on the Tracks," a copy of "Catch 22" and my KinIIm phone, it was great.
9.  Who is your favorite superhero? 

From comic books it would be Spider Man, and from the movies it would be Blade or Selena from "Underworld."
10.  What song best describes you?

"My Back Pages" because in so many ways "I was so much older then I'm younger than that now."
11.  What's the last book that you couldn't put down?

Since I have been geeking on history, as mentioned earlier, it was "Genghis Khan, Makers of History" series.  

My eleven questions are:

1. What was your main impetus to begin blogging?

2. What was your favorite book?

3. If you had a time machine where would you go first?

4. When you look at life what thing puzzles you most?

5. Have you ever posted a Facebook update just to make someone jealous, or angry?  

6. Would you explain?

7. What is your favorite vacation spot, someplace you have been and intend to return?

8. How many play lists are on your mp3 player?

9. Looking at your life now, and thinking about your school years, in what subject do you wish you would have payed more attention?

10. Why?

11. Do you believe there is life on other planets?

My nominees are;

+Mike Raven  at the Blog of Thog, a very funny guy, who has written a guest post for my blog.

+Luna LaBlue, from My Lower Case Life, who's posts are so open and genuine, she seems like a friend.

Mike Kraus from Mike Kraus, a very talented, artistic individual,

+Len Loewen from http://winnipeglen.blogspot.com/ who doesn't post often, but is very entertaining when he does, and really needs to add some sort of follow option on his blog.

+Andrew Hughes who writes A Bloke Thinking About Things though he has been a little absent lately, he may just be thinking about a lot of things.

Komodo, a great dragon but not a really good vacation.

In the Bronx Zoo they have built a new Komodo Dragon exhibit.  It was designed to replicate the Island of Komodo, making the giant lizards feel more at home.  Carving, and painting the rocks from poured concrete to mimic the shape of the naturally occurring shapes found on the animals native Island.  It is very impressive, and should provide visitors with a unique opportunity to view the amazing creatures in a manner that is both realistic and safe.  Trust me, visiting the Komodo Dragons on their home island is a risky proposition.

For one thing, Indonesia (Komodo is in Indonesia) is a long way from here.  I would like to apologize to any Indonesian members of the Life Explained Universe, it is probably much closer to you.  Which leaves you a couple of options, taking a plane, or taking a boat, (for the purposes of this post we will assume that all machines built to carry people or things across the water are boats, and I would like to offer my apologies to anyone who builds, or or is employed on, ships) neither of which is probably a very good idea.   Remember the old saying "if God had wanted man to fly He would not have made it so awfully dangerous."  What is lesser known is that before the Wright brothers made their awful mistake people had a very similar saying about sailing.

Then there is the problem of tropical rain forests.  They are glorious, wonderful, diverse, necessary systems that are vital to the continued existence of man.  Filled with beauty and undiscovered variety they are truly magnificent examples of Mother Nature.  Hidden in the dark, humid confines, though, are venomous snakes, and spiders, waiting for a misstep, and you are being rushed to an Indonesian hospital, hanging onto life, and thinking, "dang, I should have listened to Tim."

Also, Komodo Dragons are huge lizards with what is reported to be a nasty disposition.  They are ambush predators with toxic saliva, and surprising speed, and this could make for a nasty end to an otherwise terror filled vacation of flying and avoiding venomous creatures.

Hey, stranger, come here often?

Komodo Dragons are magnificent animals, almost beautiful, and everybody who has the
opportunity to visit a zoo with a Komodo Dragon exhibit should take advantage of the chance.  I made my wife go all the way to Cincinnati to the zoo to see one, and it was worth the trip.  And if there is a bucket to offer a small donation, please give your spare change, it is a good thing.

Price is not always the best measure.

How could something so simple go so wrong?  Today was supposed to usher in a new day, a new era.  Today was supposed to bring the company into the 21st Century.  We had spent so much time looking at accounting software, talking to consultants, calling companies who used different software packages, it seemed like everything that could have been considered had been, at length, in depth and thoroughly.

When our new accounting software went live, though, things went horribly, terrifyingly wrong.  First, things hung up, and we needed to reboot the server.  This took a lot longer than it should have, something was not quite right, and the server was grinding, and churning, and there were little whimpering sounds coming from the interior.

After a while it finally came on line, and we waited around Jenny's desk, she is the customer service person closest to the main server bank, watching her load the invoicing module.  Her keyboard shocked her, knocking her backward.  She has a new chair so it rolls very smoothly, and she was almost all the way to the shelf that holds the paper, pens and envelopes before she finally managed to gain control.  She looked a little funny, sitting there, little streams of smoke coming from under the pink collar of her sweater, and the white cuffs of her blouse.

We all stood there, uncertain what action was most appropriate, and least liable to involve lawyers.  Finally, I manged to work up the courage to ask, "are you ok?"

She nodded and said she felt alright, just a little warm.  Our CFO asked, "do you think the new software loads faster?"

As we waited for an answer something on Jenny's desk caught our attention, it was a person, sort of, but only a little.  It said, in a deep, dark, disturbed, chilling voice, "the company is now under our control.  We will accept no insubordination, and there will be no questions."

It grew larger, jumping off the desk, and in it's hand appeared an ax, two headed, and huge, with leather wrapped all the way up the handle, and dark red stains on the both sides of the head.

The being was dressed in a suit, tailored, and superbly fitted to his large, imposing frame, but it was made from some sort of animal hide, his neck tie seemed to resemble some sort of reptile, and almost looked alive.  He swung the ax, with both hands, and cut the filing cabinet in half, sparks flying, and metal screeching.  Then he turned and looked at us.

"We are the keepers of your new accounting software package, and we are in charge.  You will begin to call every one on the list being emailed to you now.  There will be some hesitation and people will be reluctant to purchase our goods, but if you are persistent they will accept a small order, and we will have them.  If you are not persistent, and sales do not increase we will be forced to let some of you go, in a most unpleasant fashion.  In you email is a spreadsheet with goals, and these are not suggestions, these are only minimal beginnings, we are here to make this company as successful as possible."

He turned and headed toward an swirling, steaming, gap that had opened in reality.  As he approached the opening, he turned his head all the way around on his neck, and said, "We are in your computers, and the phone system, and the copier, and everything that is, and we will be watching everything.  Any attempts at insurrection will be dealt with swiftly and severely.  Oh, and don't forget, big company picnic on Memorial Day, it will be a blast, and remember to like us on Facebook, and Twitter, for fun prizes, and great giveaways."

I told them not to get the cheapest software, but nobody listens to me.

Now, that is a plan.

It is time, maybe past time, it may be long overdue, but, I have decided to have a mid life crisis.  There should be some guidelines, some government agency to send you an email, "hey, Tim, your midlife crisis is due, and you should start looking at sports cars, maybe schedule some flying lessons, or sky diving."  That way a person would know, definitively, when to start.

When you hit a certain age or level of maturity, or point where your financial responsibilities are not so crushing, demanding that you have little extra coin to kick around, they would send you a packet with some suggestions, possibly a decision tree or a Markov Chain to help.  "If you live in the suburbs, and drive a sedan, and have two sons then consider trying to baseball camp with the Pirates."

Playing baseball with a bunch of pirates would be fun.  Drinking Jamaican rum, and plundering booty from the Reds, and the Nationals, just think, Alex Rodriguez walking the plank, oh the joy.  But, I am not really a big baseball fan, even if it includes pirates.  Besides, people get hurt running bases, and those grounders can take a nasty hop, pow, right in the mush.  No thanks.

"If you are not a baseball fan, try a motorcycle."  There is a mid life crisis staple, a motorcycle, a leather jacket, a wallet on a chain and the open road.  Man, aging has never been more appealing.  Best to think this through, though.  I don't want one of those motor cycles that are on two wheels, and fall over so easy.  Some of them are pretty darned heavy, and just holding them up at the street light can be a problem.  Maybe one of those outlaw biker trikes, but they are difficult to find, and expensive.  There is a new kind of motor cycle, with two wheels in the front, maybe that would work out, but they look a little silly.  How about a sidecar, that would be sweet, but it will make me look lonely because I know my wife will not climb in there and trust her life to my riding skills, maybe a motor cycle is not the answer.

I think, maybe I will try my hand at writing the great, American novel.  Or, the mediocre, American novel, or even the barely adequate, American novel.  If I do it on a computer I will not even have to worry about paper cuts.

Hey, Friday is closer than you thought.

Since Memorial Day is so close and the week has been so hectic we, here at Life Explained, have decided it would be in the best interest of all of humanity cancel Thursday this week.

Sure, many of the Geochronologists felt it would be much better to just postpone Thursday until next week, feeling that eliminating a whole twenty four hour cycle could have catastrophic effects, possibly destroying the frail fabric of space time.  They warned that it could cause such rifts in our universe that it could shatter worlds, and "tear asunder the universe to such a point that the entire history of all that ever was would be wiped clean, and we would have rebooted time itself."

Maybe, and that could be bad, but Friday, and a three day weekend would be here one day earlier and that is worth a roll of the dice.

Of course, they reminded us of that incident when we traveled back in time to add another spoonful of coffee grounds to the pot we had just brewed, it was so weak it was practically undrinkable.  They were all worried about toying with events that had already happened.  Sure, the kitchen was destroyed by the monster that sprung from the anomaly in the coffee container from having beans taken so abruptly "out of time sequence," but, nobody died, sure some people are still missing, but nobody even remembers their names anymore.  Yes, the monster is still loose, and that might be a problem, but the kitchen is remodeled, better than ever, and that coffee was fantastic.

Obviously, this is not without risk, and we need to remember the consequences, but, Friday only comes once a week, and it always seems to be so slow in arriving.  And, three day weekends are so rare, and precious that a little risk is worth the reward.  If it works, we will see you tomorrow, on Friday, if not, well it has been fun, and we are sorry we brought such an abrupt end to all of creation.

Don't make that mistake.

If you were to take the expressway from the northeast corner of Columbus to Downtown you would notice a construction site.  If you are driving early, before sunrise, you might be amazed at the action, and the light.  It is so bright, and so hectic it resembles an ant colony lit up by a hundred blinding white suns, one in each room, on every floor.  If you made that trip daily for an extended period you would be surprised at the speedy progress.  You might even be so impressed by the efficiency that you would ask your co-workers what was being built.

It is possible that your co-worker, despite being very knowledgeable about such things, would have no clue.  So, you might check on line, looking at the local governments building permits, and find nothing.  You might check the local papers archives and find no mention of a new building in that area.  It is entirely possible that the local television stations could tell you nothing about the mysterious, well lit building that is being completed so quickly.

Maybe you could drive by on your lunch break, but the fencing around the building may be so opaque, high and absolute that you could see nothing, and would still not know.  No signs proudly proclaiming  the ultimate occupant, no mention of the contractor, the architect or the principals of any kind, anywhere.

At this point you might be so intrigued, or frustrated, or both, that you would not be able to keep yourself from approaching the security guard with abnormally long arms, a head that seemed too large, and the slightly sickly, slightly shiny green tint, what was being built, and how it was being completed so quickly.

That would be a big mistake, trust me.  There are things you just don't want to know, and this is one of them.

It is time to to take charge

Saturday, the day the forces of evil retreat, regroup, heal their wounded, and re provision themselves for their next campaign.  Yes, it has been a long week of terrible, pitched battles, but mankind has prevailed again.  It is a battle as old as time, at least since time was divided into weekdays and weekends.

Right now they are growing stronger, healthier, and massing for a new offensive.  They are rearming and preparing a renewed assault.  The medics of evil are healing forces wounded in the battle for work week supremacy.  It was a desperate battle of epic proportions, and both sides were grievously wounded.

In what has become a remarkably repetitive maneuver the forces of oppressive work week tyranny have slipped away to a secret location in the mountains of payroll, productivity, and supply, and demand.  

We, here at Life Explained, believe this cycle has to stop, and are mounting an expeditionary force to find the weekday demons in their lair and eliminate them once and for all.   We are going to strike out and hit the enemy where he feels safest, in his weekend retreat.  It is time to crush the monsters who haunt our Monday through Fridays from 8:00 to 5:00 with the occasional evening, and sometimes an early morning.  We are going to take the battle to them, smashing them and destroying their sense of security, and safety.

But, not this early, it is Saturday after all.  Nobody wants to start that early on Saturday, besides, we are getting ready to pop open a few beers and throw some ribs on the grill, maybe after that, unless we decide to take a nap, or get a movie.   

A Historic Picnic, or How To Bring A Company Together.

When one considers the resounding success of the new accounting software (people only lost their jobs temporarily, and nobody was killed, though it was close a few times) we here at Life Explained have decided to have a company picnic for Memorial Day.

We haven't tried anything that bold since the disastrous Halloween Extravaganza of 2010.  Honestly, who would have thought that the Edgar vs Jacob division was so strong, and could be so violent.  It took weeks to clean up the hall we had rented, and several members of the board of directors are still on probation, but at least they have finished all of their community service, (including the CFO, who ran over the mayor with his motorized scooter claiming to have been blinded by Lycanthropic rage).  We are all much more mature now, though.

Of course, every good picnic needs a theme, and we have decided on Great Leaders Throughout History.  Everybody will pick their favorite statesman from any period, and try to bring something representative of their choice.  If a person chose Napoleon for example, they could bring french bread, or if they had a mind to be a little more whimsical, they could bring cake!

People really seem to be warming up to the challenge.  Even Jay and all of the guys from the Graphics Arts Department, who are normally not keen on taking part in anything that involves mingling with coworkers are almost giddy with the prospect of coming as Genghis Khan, and a Mongol Horde.  They are pretending to stock pile horses, bows and arrows, and sometimes you can even hear them pretending to sharpen spears and swords as you walk past the studio, it sounds so realistic.

When asked what he intends to bring to the picnic, Jay just laughs and says "the heads of my enemies on sticks (we are guessing that this is some sort of cake pop thing), all will feel the wrath of the flail of God, and be scattered and purged across the land, and maybe a pasta salad with fun, animal shaped pasta."

We are all very excited, and looking forward to a glorious day, we have rented an area at the local metro park and the weather should be wonderful.  If you are not busy stop by, there will be plenty of food, and maybe some cake pops.

Pardon me, sir, would you have any chocolate syrup?

We managed to quell the uprising in the 6th floor break room  (Dangit, we are serious about that ice cream!) using diplomacy.  We promised there would be no retaliation if they laid down their arms and gave up the fight.  As soon as they walked out, arms raised in the air, we fired them all.

They left without much fuss, but returned later in the day armed with lawyers.  We fired them, too.  Then we offered to represent the poor, unemployed goof offs from the accounting department ourselves, and we would do it Pro Bono, unless the settlement was huge then tossing a little something our way couldn't hurt, we are one big family after all, right?

Justice is blind visually impaired
and does not hear too well, either.
Justice is just having problems.

Fortunately, for everybody, we are reasonable people and decided to settle out of court.  We hired all of the accountants back, at entry level wages, and paid them a settlement that would even out the income for the year, then we charged our insurance company for the trauma we all faced, and sued the local, state and federal governments for not interceding on our behalf, and allowing the situation to get completely out of control.

After the dust settled we turned a tidy little profit.  Plus, we get a huge tax break because of our reduced payroll in accounting.  The local government has agreed to a huge tax subsidy to keep us from leaving, despite the treacherous conditions.  Seeing how resourceful we handled this potential crisis the state and federal government are offering us huge contracts to supply goods and services, and brother, do we have some dang fine goods, and services, and we have ice cream.  Life is good, you know.

Change is difficult.

Yesterday we talked briefly about our new accounting software, and the almost limitless potential it might provide, it is truly a flexible, accommodating bit of programming genius with options that can be custom built for each unique requirement.  It was expensive, but it has received very high praise from most of the associates who have gone through the training session.

Of course, as we discussed yesterday, there are some people who are not delighted with the change, and are attempting to (Please, may we have one or two cones, to go?) stop the implementation by occupying the break room on the 6th floor, the room with the soft serve ice cream machine.

We detailed our plans to send in several squads from the custodial department  In a brilliantly devised, and exceptionally executed pincer movement we mobilized several units from research and development and began a full scale assault on two sides of the the break room.  Using organic small arms fire, and some light artillery provided by the secretarial staff we began to get the upper hand.

In a surprisingly coordinated (particularly when you consider it was the accounting department) counter attack the Accounts Receivable Brigade concentrated their assault on the smaller R And D contingent to the south, and under a withering hail of automatic weapon fire began to push the force back through the ornate interior French Doors, and into the  barren, open hallway where the lack of adequate cover would have left them exposed and vulnerable.

After several air strikes it seemed the weary Accounts Receivable people were going to be overrun and there would be ice cream for everyone.

While consolidating our hold on the entry way, and thinking the battle was almost won, we were hit by a large column from the Human Resource Liberation Army.  Slamming into our exposed southern flank, they rolled up the assault team like a row of dominoes and managed to capture the small conference room.

We are going to settle in for a long campaign, right now we are calling in reinforcements from the legal department, and our hopes for speedy resolution are dashed.

new software, and ice cream.

We are in the process of upgrading our accounting software at work.  After a lot of hand wringing, turmoil, finger pointing, name calling, and a few very entertaining fist fights in the hallways, stairwells, and break rooms they have decided to go with a  Microsoft product.  It has a Windows based architecture, and most of us are familiar with that program, so it made sense.

Our old software was based on the Abacus, not the operating system, the wooden frame with the little beads that run up and down little dowels.  Every time we hired someone new we would need to bring in a consultant to show how to use the Abacus.  And that was starting to run into some money since hardly any one, anywhere in the world knows how to add anything on one of those things, and if you start going too fast not only will your calculations suffer you could easily lose a finger nail, and with the cost of a decent manicure hovering right around, well I don't really know how much it costs, but my friend Brian said it is probably around $40.00, and maybe more, depending on the additional items chosen, and I trust Brian, he used to work in the "beauty field."

But, it was kind of fun on busy days watching our customer service people whipping those little beads up and down, while they were talking on the phone, and the noise was incredible, voices and singing beads raising a chorus of sales success to the heavens, the memory still brings a smile.  And it was one of the main reasons we never upgraded to the "slide rule" version, it was just not the same.

With any beginning there are skeptics, and this is no different, a faction of our accounting department (the ne'er-do-wells in accounts receivable) has revolted, taking over the 6th floor break room, the one with the soft serve machine.  We are mobilizing the custodial staff with a contingent from the legal department and several units from R and D to form into a double pincer movement to restore order and recapture the ice cream.

All in all, though, we feel we should be able to have this change completely implemented by the end of the month, with minimal loss of life, and little damage to the espresso machine, man, we love that machine.

It is time to accept reality, but only small bits.

It seems that some one has switched on the accelerator, and it has caused me to age at an abnormal rate.  Looking in the mirror this morning I couldn't help noticing the kindly old man watching me brush my teeth.  Poor, old gentleman, obviously lost, and now stuck in the mirror in the bathroom at our home.  I even asked my wife, "who is that old fool in our bathroom mirror?"  She sighed, and complimented me on such an accurate description.

It is very similar to "The Picture of Dorian Gray," except we are both aging, and quickly, too.  It has been said "the camera adds ten pounds," what is not so widely reported, though, is the fact that the mirror adds at least five, and possibly seven years.  One very important lesson here, don't take a picture of yourself in the mirror.  You won't like what you see.

Many aboriginal tribes feel that cameras will steal their soul, and having a photo taken is disrespectful the spiritual world.  Maybe the translation was imperfect, maybe what they were saying was something along the lines of "goodness, that photo makes me look awful, and is gradually eroding my will to live.  Thank the gods our culture has yet to discover the mirror."  You can see how that could easily be mistranslated, can't you?

But, except for a few aches and pains, and one terribly swollen, sore finger, that my doctor is going to fix right up today, and with luck it will be done lecture free,  I feel pretty good, and will be able to go on writing this blog indefinitely, (in the words of the great Bob Dylan "I got a head full of ideas that are driving me insane) as long as there no reflective surfaces around.

Managerial Styles,

Lately, we here at Life, Explained, have begun a long trek backward, through time, in an effort to understand the present, perhaps explain our current predicament, maybe offer a path out of the morass in which humanity finds itself mired.  It is difficult, dangerous work, but we are happy to do it, that's right, we are happy doing difficult, dangerous work if you, the Life Explained Universe benefits, even a little.  It is what we do.  The real problem with history, though, is the quantity, it just goes on and on, and no matter where you start it always leads to something else.  Still, if one has iron like resolve, and a keen eye for detail, there are many valuable lessons to be learned by the observant time traveler.

We will start with management styles throughout the ages.  Genghis Khan was a guy who got stuff done.  He was a brilliant motivator, with a hands on style that inspired his subordinates, worried competitors, garnered loyalty, and produced results.  There was no attendance/tardiness policy, people didn't hang around chatting by the elevator, no small talk over oatmeal, toast and fresh squeezed juice in the kitchen.  As a result of his no-nonsense practices the Mongol Conglomerate and Associates controlled between 11 and 12 million contiguous square miles, from the Sea of Japan all the way to the Caspian Sea.  That is market share that Apple and Coca Cola only dream about.

Sure, in today's namby-pamby, wussified, decadent, decaying, squishy soft corporate environment the Khan's management practices would be frowned upon.  For example, he had everything arranged in sequences of ten, and if you were negotiating a "corporate restructuring," and two of the members of your "executive council" decided to "pursue less stressful avenues of employment" somewhere quieter and more sedate you were all "let go."  It was an exit interview best avoided.

 One of the many benefits of employment with the Khan was travel.  His staff would take extended recruiting trips to foreign, exotic places filled with interesting, diverse people.  Sometimes things would not go well, and the hosts would not accept the generous offer of employment, and a long, healthy life, and things might get tense, and tumultuous, but no job is without stress.  Remember the old saying, "you can't make an omelet without destroying a city, crushing its defenses, razing its buildings, and slaughtering its inhabitants."  And the Mongols really liked omelets.

Of course, everything old is new again, so some day we will see the rise of the next great motivator, a man who can bring people together, and lead by example.  Until then I am going to fix myself a sandwich, and some cocoa, hang out in the break room and watch some streaming video on my iPhone, and maybe sharpen my war ax, just in case.

Luck be a youtube video tonight.

Life is difficult to understand, and often it seems the chances for success and opportunities for happiness are distributed disproportionately among jerks, that wealth and power are becoming the new version of royalty in the world, either you are born into it, or you learn to do without.  Scraping by on subsistence wages, and hoping to break even before you give up the ghost.  Or as Ian Anderson sang so prophetically;

"And you place your final burden

On your hard pressed next of kin;

Send the chamber pot back down the line

To be filled up again."

Occasionally, though, you find the pot o' gold at the end of the rainbow, the golden ticket, the goose that lays the golden egg.  If you are lucky.  Or, ingratiate your self with someone who might get wealthy, and powerful, which is the path I chose.

Fellow blogger, +Mike Raven who writes the very funny Blog of Thog has decided to pursue a career in performance art, and here is his latest masterpiece.

Wow, Is That Powerful, Or What?!?!

I am not sure how many views it takes to make "viral" but this video has at least enough to be "bacterial." which is a good start.  Plus, it is about Clash of Clans, a gaming sensation that is sweeping the nation, and a good thing, too.  This nation could use a good sweeping.

This guy is headed for the big time, and has asked me to manage his first world tour. 

Mike is not an old man, but, he is not too young (like a certain train wreck teen idol whose name we will not mention) he is what we call, in the entertainment biz, "just old enough to make me rich and not need a full time babysitter."

So, buy your tickets to the "Song of Thog."  Get your "Thog" tshirts, and baseball caps, and sun visors, and videos, and action figures, and bumper stickers, and CDs.  Plus, as an added bonus for you old timers, and as tribute to stars from days gone by, we are going to release the first album on 8 track tape, too.

In an unrelated question, which gated community for filthy rich entertainment moguls is rated highest?  I was just wondering.

We are here for you, when you need us most.

With the accelerating pace of technological innovation our world is constantly, and rapidly shrinking, becoming more compact, and compressed.  Journeys that used to take months now last hours, and the isolated sense of security is now a remnant of a distant memory.  We find ourselves in a time where headlines from across the world are a constant reminder our sense of insulated, secluded existence is nothing more than an illusion.  

Journeys that used to take months now are over in hours.  It has in many ways become a "global village."  We need to take that next step and become "the family of man."   We need to break down the barriers of intolerance, and dogmatic superiority, and welcome each other, with warmth, and friendship.

During my recent bout of historical inquiry I have noticed a few recurring themes, one of which is the introduction of radical variables into any unstable equation involving armed states normally leads to war, destruction, and radical change.  And this may be one of those times, it is hard to say, but who wants to roll those dice?

What the world needs is someone who is willing to take the lead, be the bigger man, and begin the long, painful, trying process of world unification.  Someone who only wants to help, and is not seeking grandeur, or fame, and is only thinking of others, someone who only wants to usher in a new era of understanding and mutual prosperity.

Fortunately, I am willing to volunteer.  The first step needs to be some sort of token, mutual sacrifice.  With that in mind, everybody in the world should send me one dollar, or drachma, or ruble, or euro, or whatever.  If you can't afford to send a whole (insert monetary unit of choice) then a small portion will be suitable.  It is the shared sense of giving, of working toward a common cause that is important, even vital to our continued existence.

I will use this money for the "Life Explained Worldwide Harmonious Understanding and Peace Initiative," and maybe dinner and a few drinks, this is difficult, thirsty work after all.  But, taking the long view it is imperative we learn to work together, there is too much at stake.

So, please, give generously to this noble cause, you will feel better about yourself.

Another small victory for aging mice.

There is startling news from the world of science this week.  Hey, Brother can You Spare A Couple of Units of A Positive?  Three separate studies confirm that infusing elderly mice with the blood of younger, more vibrant, healthier mice have noticeable effects.  Among the many benefits were increased memory, strengthened and rejuvenated muscles, and an improved sense of smell, which may be a mixed blessing depending on the personal hygiene of the other mice in the area.  But, the implications are profound and exciting.

Scientists may be able to counteract some of the debilitating results of aging, including age dependent muscle deterioration, heart disease, stroke, diabetes, cancer, dementia, and other neurodegenerative disorders.  Of course, research is still in the early stages, but there is a lot of excitement.

Several well known doctors are taking notice of the potential benefits, and are expressing great interest in the process including Rudolph Tanzi, professor of neurology at Harvard, and Director of the Genetics and Aging Research at Massachusetts General Hospital, who is "kind of blown away, really."  Also, Countess Elizabeth Barthory "The Blood Countess" and Vlad of Walachia, "Vlad the Impaler," both of whom were quoted as saying "Wow, I was ahead of the curve on this one."

Buffy, and Van Helsing remain unconvinced, vowing to offer empirical evidence showing the best way to prevent aging is by dying, though they are not really talking about themselves, as they pat the pile of wooden stakes on the industrial, grey metal table.

One thing remains certain; in the battle against growing old scientists have made remarkable progress, but when I look in the mirror it is obvious they have a long way to go.

Reporting live from the heart of middle age, this is Tim for Life Explained.

See you in court, buddy.

Lately I have been listening to several different history podcasts, (any of you in the Life Explained Nation who happen to know my wife are forbidden to tell her, she already thinks I'm kind of a geek, and needs no more ammunition, she already has NPR (National Public Radio), PRI (Public Radio International), CoC (Clash of Clans) countless apps on several touch screen devices, and a variety of stylus's (stylii?) with which to manipulate them, besides she is kind of a bully) seeking some Explanation of Life.

I haven't found it yet, but, am pursuing several leads down a variety of avenues, and back roads, and alleyways, and canals that pass for streets in some parts of the world, cart paths, in areas still to discover the joys of highway travel and sidewalks, bike paths and parking lots all over the dammed place.  I have not really worked out the answers yet, but have noticed several things.

1. No matter how hard mankind tries to infuse the present situation with a special sense of importance and relevance things seem to cycle through fairly predictable patterns.  Prior to almost every momentous, or catastrophic occurrence a group of people convinced a much larger group of people that the only choice was to follow them blindly.
2. The Renaissance was no picnic.  It may have been an improvement, but wow, people could be pretty brutal, even in times of "artistic enlightenment."
3. Technology is a blessing and a curse, even something that seems so beneficial as the printing press can be revolutionary, and can bring terrible consequences.  Think what Martin Luther could have accomplished with an iPhone and social networking.
4. As a race we are very good at improvising, and inventing, but not so keen on considering and controlling the outcomes.  Somehow, we have always managed to assume that things will work out, and we are in control.

It seems mankind has a real propensity for self importance, and large scale destruction.  Of course, there were probably some good things happening through history, but it was probably just an accident, somebody probably turned the wrong lever while trying to create a more powerful, incendiary explosive, and by a completely unusual turn of events, accidentally developed the pizza oven.

There is probably some new storm of human machination brewing just beyond the horizon right now, and it will kick over the apple cart and cause all sorts of problems, and we will all think, "wow, that was awful," but that will be the end of it.  We may be dancing on the edge right now, and not even realize.  One thing is fairly certain, as long as we are in charge of our own destiny things look bleak.  Animals and plants all over are waiting impatiently for our demise, and hoping we don't take them with us.

Right now, I am assembling an indictment against humanity.  We will be bringing charges against the human race from the beginning of recorded history, and possibly before if we can find any reliable eye witnesses.  Depending on your particular relationship with humanity you might want to retain legal council.