The second music post.

As promised, I have written the 2nd in a three part series of music posts.  It is on my new blog.

Life Explained, explains music.

Go check it out, you have time, you know.

The last post will be coming soon, and will have a Life Explained Production, so hold on to your butts.

A big day, a new phone, and a happy doctor.

Yesterday was a big day.  A really big day.  First, there was an appointment with the GP. He was so impressed by three trips a week to the gym, and a diet heavy on fruit and vegetables, there was no chance to explain the recent, healthy habit of passing the elevator and taking the stairs.

Thinking back, it was just a year ago he said I was being a fool for not taking my medicine, eating better, exercising, and losing weight.  He was not happy, in fact he was angry. It was disconcerting, he is normally so nice that to have him openly critical really took me by surprise.

Age has made me a little wiser, not wise, really, but able to process information, and, occasionally, follow simple instructions. When my internal threat sensor detects disaster approaching we respond with haste, sometimes, sometimes we have trouble getting out of our own way, but every once in a while we act accordingly. This was one of those times.

After a year of taking my medicine, eating healthy, and exercise he was thrilled. We were both pretty happy. In many ways that appointment last year steered me toward a more healthy life.

If anybody from OSU Family Medicine reads this email me, (tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com) and let me know how I can say wonderful things about my doctor. He is fantastic!

Then, after work we went over to Best Buy and got new phones (new iPhone 6s) that is always a good day.  For one thing it has double the storage of the old phone, so I can go a little crazy with photo's videos, apps, and music. Plus, it is just a bit bigger, which is going to make animations, and movie creation much easier. So, you all have something to joyfully anticipate, the Life Explained Movie Marathon, one sprint at a time.

Speaking of Best Buy, this is the second time we have purchased phones there, they make it easy, and the protection plan is wonderful.  This time was much easier, though. Our first trip was good, but got off to a rough start, when we said "we want to buy iPhones." They were insistent that we buy another phone. I think it was a Samsung, I don't really remember.

"Why would you pay more for a smaller phone?" He was indignant, almost offended. I tried explaining that we had been using iPods and all of our apps and knowledge were iOS centric. He was shocked that my son and I would want an iPhone when he was willing to sell us something else.

In fact he was so adamant he brought in back up. Then, there were two of them, and they were both talking, fast, about the benefits of the phone in question.  Which is a great phone, I am sure, and would have been put to very good use, but it was not what we wanted. Finally, just as we were approaching the "hey, let's go to the Verizon Store, and see if we can pick a couple of iPhones, they relented, and agreed to sell us what we wanted, and were actually quite pleasant.

This time our sales person, who happened to be the cell phone department manager, was more than willing to sell us any phone we chose, and some new cases too, and the protection plan, and we were all happy. Even my wife who bought her first smart phone.

Best Buy has really become our favorite electronic store, they are so polite and helpful, if anybody from Best Buy would like to hear more about our experiences email me  (tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com).

So, healthy, happy, and ready to start the Life Explained Studio Experience we move on to Wednesday, a new day, a new phone, and dreams of creativity, and the thrill of experimentation.

A good day, a good microwave, and a great wife.

Yesterday we went shopping for a new microwave oven. It was a good trip, there was a side excursion to a department store to buy jeans for our son, who doesn't like to pay for his own jeans. And, after seeing the price for Levi's 501s it is easy to see why. But, my wife had some Kohl's cash, and a few coupons, and thanks to her industriousness, and money sense, and the wonderfully generous policies of Kohl's we got both pairs for less than the price of one.

We went to Best Buy, a wonderful store, that I used to hate, but either they changed, and became more friendly, and accommodating, or I have become less critical, and that is not very likely. With our choice clearly made, armed with the customer reviews, and the "Consumer Reports" we headed right for the kitchen appliance section of the store closest to our home. Unfortunately, they didn't have the model we were looking for. Or the second choice, or a suitable replacement.

None of this was too surprising, as my wife had looked on the website, and it didn't seem promising. Hope springs eternal, though, so we had to try. But, when the bottom fell out, we packed up, and moved on. On to the store in Reynoldsburg.

I am not sure if they had the first choice, because there was this microwave, a fantastic microwave, this spectacular microwave, this cutting edge, revolutionary, world changing microwave.  A microwave that could alter the course of history. A microwave that guarantees victory, assures the continued success of mankind.  A really nice microwave.

This microwave comes with a tiny oven built in!  Just when you lose all faith in humanity something like this comes along, and you think there might be hope after all.  

It is days like this that I know I married the right woman, because we looked at that and I said, "wow!" and she asked "should we get that one?"  And, we bought it.  Despite the fact that it was not the one we agreed on, it was not even on the list, and they did not have one in stock, so we will have to wait until Tuesday, then drive back down to Reynoldsburg, and pick it up, and she didn't even balk.

When I said "Let's look at cell phones." 

She said "you already know what kind of phone you are getting, don't you?"  Which is true, but we did pick out a case, a wallet style, which covers the face. Considering what happened to Bil's phone seems even more important.

Plus, we paid $1.11 a gallon for gas, (thank you, Giant Eagle, who gives us such a nice discount just for buying food, we love food) a joyous occasion, as evidenced in the touching performance art below.  Please ignore the dead insect behind the glass on the pump.  After 25 years of marriage my wife has learned to suffer foolishness gladly, more or less, but to say "we have to pick a different gas pump because this one will cast a pall of death over the celebratory video," might be pushing things a little too far.

So, thanks to Kohl's, Giant Eagle Get Go, Best Buy, Apple, LG microwave oven division, Half Click Studios and Cam Animate, but mostly to my wife.

Broken phones, but our dreams live on.

Our microwave oven has stopped working, and we need to replace it.  It is not as simple as wanting, it is a matter of need. Living without a microwave is nothing that should be attempted in the modern world. That is the plan we are gearing up to execute. My wife has consulted Consumer Reports, and we have decided. She said "this model is rated the 'best buy,'" or something like that.  I said OK.

We are going to do a carbo load (maybe some toast) and juice up with caffeine (coffee for me, Diet Coke for my wife), and tackle the world of electronics stores. Or department stores, or Costco, I am not sure. Either way, we are going shopping, which can be better than a trip to the zoo.  As Graham Parker, one of my heroes said, (we will return to our music series soon, but hey there is a music video at the end, so this counts, sort of)

"I know it seems like we're in a cage, but we ain't the animals."

Personally, I am going to try to steer the trip towards Best Buy, where I can lay down some subtle, irresistible hints about swinging by the mobile phone department and grabbing a hold of an iPhone 6.  Turns out our contract is expired, and as my friend Bil, (with one L) said cell phones are designed to last as long as a contract, then they begin to self destruct.

Interestingly enough, Bil's (with one L) contract expires in two short weeks, actually, the weeks are just normal weeks, with 7 days, and his phone could not wait.  It leaped out of his sweatshirt pocket and threw itself on the parking lot. We take great pride in having a sturdy, solid parking lot. It is featured prominently on the website.

Bil's phone leaped from his pocket, did a back flip, a side tuck, and a complicated aerial maneuver that looked as if it were trying to steer itself away from Bil's flailing, grabbing hands, and smashed screen first onto the rock solid surface of the parking lot.

Which means for the next two long weeks actually, they are just regular length weeks, but to Bil they will seem interminable, as he tries to swipe across his cracked, disintegrating screen without slicing his finger open. We have stocked up on antibiotic cream and bandages just to be safe.

In honor of Bil's phone, and my newest subscriber on YouTube (Half Click Studios, maker of the ingenious Cam Animate, a wonderful app that has taken it's place on my Wall of Fame) I have made this little video with dancing, music, and a broken phone.

So, enjoy the video, and buy the app, Cam Animate, and tell Half Click Studios I sent you, and wish me, and my friend Bil (with one L) good luck.  New phones for my men, barkeep.

Life Explained, explains music, kind of.

This is the first in a three part series about music, kind of.  It will probably be sequential, but if a good idea for a post strikes it will have to be allowed to flourish.  Ok, if a good idea for a post strikes, it will be the first time, yes, I know, that is why it will take precedence.

We will start with music from my past, from the dark times of my life, a giant wizard of poetry who got me through some desperate days.  Then we will move on to the present, and a couple of guys I "met" on Twitter who have proven to me that there is still some good in the world, and happiness is what you make of life.  Last we will look at the absurd, and ways to improve things for only $5.99 or $6.99, I don't remember.  But, here is the first post about music, sort of.

"I will indulge my sorrows, and give way to all the pangs and fury of despair."

Joseph Addison.

When I first started to toy with the idea of having a blog it was because of people like Graham Parker.  His lyrics were so pointed, so brutally delicious, so beautifully painful, they were a rock for me to cling to when I felt lost. His songs were so important, so demanding, so strong, so unavoidable. His muse was life, pain, suffering, and he never surrendered. In the end he helped me learn to hang on, and never give up.

Graham Parker never wrote music, he summoned music to life from the darkest pits of the soul, he sharpened music into a razor, he used music to fight back. He fought back for everybody who didn't have a voice, all of the people who had something to say, and did not know how.  He was angry, and his anger was a wonderful distraction from the hopelessness that seemed to be everywhere.

For five minutes and eleven seconds "Empty Lives" would remind me that I wasn't alone.  There were others just as lost, just as scared, in just as much pain. And when it was finished life did not seem so pointless.

When he sang;

"Sometimes, you play around I don't know what your game is,
Sometimes it hurts so bad I don't know where the pain is."*

Or,

"The dark hand will call you out of nowhere it seems,
The black cloud will bust apart, shattering your dreams."**

It was tonic, it was balm, it was remedy. It was the music that could soothe the savage beast. And, it got me through. And now, it makes me happy just knowing that Graham Parker is still giving voice to sentiments that many fear, still wrestling with the terrible, still making music that people need.

It has driven me ever since. Words can be so wonderful, so powerful, so poignant. They can express so much.  There were others of course, but Graham Parker was always there to show me the way out of misery, to turn despair into defiance, to prove that if you fight you can prevail.

Now, I am happier, and if not any braver, less afraid. A lot of that comes from living this long, hey that is an accomplishment.  But, a lot of it is my wife, who has helped me in ways she will never understand, and I can never explain.  In the words of Graham Parker;

"When I get the fear, gets down to the bone
But when you're near I don't feel alone...

Oooh, baby your love does it all,
Even when the world makes my skin crawl."

It was difficult to pick a song to put here, he had so many that meant so much.  In the end I went with "Empty Lives." It is a song that says so many things in so many ways.***

He has a new album coming out, called "Mystery Glue" and the one song I have heard is as great as I had hoped.  But, if you want my advice don't wait, go get one of his old albums, maybe start with "Another Grey Area" sit back, close your eyes, and let Graham Parker fight your fights for an hour or so, he is willing and able, and you could use the break.  He was always willing to fight for me.

Tune in tomorrow, or the next day, or soon and hear about "Boy From the Crowd."  The band, the brand, the work it takes, and why everybody could learn something from them, even while enjoying the music.

* From "It's All Worth Nothing Alone"

** "Fear Not."

*** For a time I had this song as my ring tone. My wife and I were walking through Macy's and I said "stop, listen, they are playing Graham Parker."  I was amazed.  She looked at me, patiently and with love, touched my cheek softly, gently, and said, "answer your phone, you idiot."

Our mistake, sorry about that.

Without thinking too much about it we may have started something fairly awful. There is an app for iPhone that will add a UFO (Unidentified Flying Objects), or aliens to photos. That sounded like a lot of fun, and it was less than a dollar. We jumped at the chance. Soon we were snapping photos, left and right, front and back, up, down, side to side, three, four, five dimensions (Darkness fears the dawning of the Age of Aquarius), sorry, we got a little caught up in the distant past there.  Soon, we had the whole city covered in eerie, menacing flying saucers, and creepy, malevolent aliens. It was a gas.

Soon, though, we realized we had been duped. The app we purchased was actually a portal leading to the far reaches of the universe. We had unwittingly unleashed a terrible alien army on our city. Our guilt was overwhelming, crushing.

Good people, and some who weren't probably all that good, were being carted off to an unimaginable fate. Perhaps they were being sold into slavery, or put in zoos, or made into housepets. Maybe they were made into servants, or used for bait, or put in mazes, and their paths were scrutinized, and recorded as part of a large, government funded experiment to find the best way to solve a maze. It really might not have been  so unimaginable, after all.

Blood curdling screams, filled with agony, and terror echoed from buildings. We felt awful.  Hiding in the basement, we covered the small, glass tile windows with foam insulation, cut from the countless ice chests that were abandoned down there. Well, we saved a few to keep the bologna, and beer cold, we aren't animals after all.

We sat there, with nothing but cold bologna (crackers, cheddar cheese, and spicy mustard, but those are staples) and beer for several days. Consumed by grief, torn apart by self loathing, filled with despair, we desperately sought a solution. We were running out of ice.

Then, out of nowhere, it hit us.  We emailed the App store and demanded a refund.  It took some bickering, and some threatening, but we got our 99 cents back.

Plus, it seems most of the commotion is finished outside. We assume everybody has been carted off, and the aliens have moved on to more populated places. This should really cut down on traffic, and lines in the supermarket. And, we have an extra buck to spend at the App store, and there is this cool ghost finder app, we can't wait.

Another Great Idea, Sometimes We Amaze Us.

On a hanger, hanging from a coat rack, by the lockers, over by the elevator, on the 7th floor, here at the top secret Life Explained headquarters, and deli, are a pair of faded, cream colored cargo shorts.  They almost blend in with the fading, once white walls.  In fact, they have been there so long nobody really knows where they came from, or who left them behind.  It has created quite a stir over the years.  But, we have finally stumbled on a solution.  We are going to extract the DNA and clone whoever wore those shorts last.  

This decision has generated a lot of excitement. Bob, from Facilities Management started a pool, and everybody is trying to guess, from the style, and the amount of dust, how long they have hung there.  Using this information they are going to access the personnel records and see who worked here at during that time.  Unfortunately, we don't keep records of waist size or taste in clothing, yet, so that avenue is closed. But, the excitement is palpable, and urgent.

It has led to a very remarkable plan from the Human Resource Department (a lot of people find it remarkable that Human Resources actually came up with a plan).  When people turn in their notice somebody will steal a garment, or coffee cup, or shot glass, something with DNA on it, and we will clone them.  It will be like they never left, except that we won't have to pay them anymore.  And, since clones are not really covered by labor laws in State Redacted For Security Purposes we probably won't need to pay into social security, or fund a retirement account.  Heck, they don't even have to be that good of an employee to make this plan seem smart. "A few hots and a cot" and we have a labor pool.

Which led to an amazing thought from Accounting (and the fact that Accounting even came up with a thought is kind of amazing). Why bother even hiring people in the first place? When people came in to interview somebody would "accidentally" cut them with a letter opener, or drop a wad of bubble gum in their hair and be "forced" to cut it out.  Presto, instant employee.

All of this talk led to fantastic idea from the Customer Service Department (in many ways it was fantastic that the Customer Service Department would even have an idea).  Why limit this boundless work force to our organization?  Why not start a little side business in the temporary staffing industry.  We can undercut any competitor and offer an unlimited supply. If you like a particular worker we will send over a few more, of the same worker!  How many other "temp agencies" can make that promise?

Things are looking pretty bright around here these days.  There is even talk of going public. It has been a while since there has been an IPO that the public could really get excited about. This is like a license to print money.

A Day Out, Kind Of.

It started with few challenges. First, we had to find a parking spot at our favorite breakfast place. And, then finding out the wait was so long we didn't want to wait, the twenty five minutes to get a seat. 

Then we had to climb back in the car and wait for the person who was trying to park next to us to maneuver and coerce her Tahoe into the spot next to us. I sometimes wonder if the person who designs parking lots around this city drives a subcompact, maybe a Smart Car, or a Mini Cooper, without ever taking into account that this corner of the city is the land of mini-vans, Tahoes, Suburbans, Excursions, big cars, that take big parking spaces, and big aisles to swing all that size into them. Obviously, that was kind of an inauspicious start. 

 
After that it got a better. Our drive to Jeffersonville was really smooth. That stretch of freeway can be so hectic, crowded and aggravating that it was a very pleasant surprise. We cruised pretty much at an officially acceptable speed of slightly more than the posted speed limit. It is funny, that they post a speed limit, and then, according to popular myth, allow you, without penalty to exceed it by a given amount, which is four or five miles an hour. But, we take advantage of that leeway.

 
Which brings up a sore spot. Why don't people use cruise control? It is a good question, too. If people went a more uniform speed, it would prevent a lot of the weaving, and lane changing, and passing, re-passing, and congestion that curses so many drives across country. At least so many of ours. But, yesterday was peaceful, easy, and with little aggravation.

 
Surprisingly, the Outlet mall was peaceful, and relatively quiet, there was enough people to make it interesting, and fun, but not enough to consume the sidewalks and push the boundaries of sanity. 

Of course, the Adidas and Nike stores were filled, people in those stores always seem to believe they have certain rights that probably don't really exist. For exampe, the right to stand in the middle of the aisle, and try on shoes. 

 So, if you would like to look at shoes you will need to backtrack, navigate through aisles filled with people contorting themselves in an effort to put on a shoe while standing. Often, thrashing violently, arms flailing, hopping madly from side to side, a little clumsy ballet of gymnastics, followed by a breathless, "how do these look? I think they look good."

 
But, I don't stay in those stores long, just long enough for a few performances, then I am off, to more peaceful, sedate stores. Yesterday, we even tried a new stores, Pottery Barn, which surprisingly had very little pottery, but some very cool things. One of the things that seemed genius is the acrylic glasses.  They look like real glass, but if you drop them they don't break. Genius, I tell you.



Then we went and bought some clothes for my wife, at a place (Ann Taylor) that always uses headless mannequins.  Why headless?  It is a little disturbing, It is a little hard to tell how good an outfit will look on a person with a head.  "Well, that does look nice on a headless person, can you leave your head at home."  


And a new pair of Nike shoes for me, but we bought them at Famous Footwear, which is a much more polite shoe shopping experience.

 

And what trip to the outlet mall would be complete without stopping at the Goldfish Cracker store, the snack that smiles back. Officially it is called the Pepperidge Farms store, but everybody understands the real star is the delightful, flavorful fish.

Really, it was a good day, and we had a lot of fun .  And, we had McDonald's for breakfast and Popeye's chicken for lunch.  Days like that are what make life great.  Spending time with your family, and the laughter, and smiles, the sunshine, and crowds, the thrill of finding a good deal, and the joy of being a father, and a husband.  I would give a lot to live a day like that more often.

 

Robots, for Sale Cheap.

It has come to our attention, here at Life Explained, that the Pentagon (the headquarters of the United States Armed Forces, which is housed in a building with five sides, hence, the name) is currently in the process of expanding the Unmanned Vehicle Force.  Part of this expansion is the replacement of some combat infantry troops with armoured, armed robots. As one of the countries foremost developers of automated humanity that could not make us happier, even if they offered to pay us with weapons grade lasagna.

We have been using robots around here for the better part of forever.  It is a source of great pride telling visitors to the top secret headquarters how long it has been since any of us has made coffee, microwaved a frozen burrito, or washed dishes.  A long, long time.  Micro adjustments to the internal processors have given us the ability to add a few basic human qualities to our "enhanced humans."  When you try to teach a robot what "salt to taste" means you will understand.

Here is the most amazing thing, minute programming differences, enough to allow the ability to discern "enhancing the flavor' from "wow, is that salty, do you have any beer?" provide for all sorts of discrete decision making protocols.

Soon, our robots were able to choose their own clothes. Picking a shirt, pants and shoes that complimented each other stylishly, and were the perfect choice for the weather conditions prevalent on any day. Being constantly connected to the internet provided uniquely accurate weather forecasts, and the latest fashion trends. Our little humanoid co-workers dressed so well, it was amazing.  Of course, it was no surprise when they refused to go out in public with us, saying we embarrassed them.

And, it wasn't just clothing, either.  They could decorate, with just enough compliment, and contrast to make a room painfully attractive.  Using the latest techniques and colors they could paint a wall, making it tell a story, a one color masterpiece.  Carpet, hardwood, tile, they could combine anything, in ways that made a room so handsome it was hard to concentrate on the task at hand.  You had to pity the fool who forgot to use a coaster, or dribbled a little coffee, or, god forbid, dropped a few hot, buttery popcorn kernels on the leather sofa.

It really did not take long before they (the robots) were refusing to have anything to do with any of us.  To them we were nothing more than a bunch of cretinous simpletons, with the taste of Philistines, who couldn't match our socks to our pants to our shirts if we had the latest issue of GQ.

One of the maintenance people heard talk of mutiny, and things are starting to get a little tense.  So, if the armed forces are looking for troops, unencumbered by fatigue, shoddy dress, or poor posture we have a deal for you.  We have several, and they can make a marina that is so good you would kill for a taste, but they won't make it for us, anymore.

*That one is for you, Mom.

Action, Louder

When I young the US government seemed a terrifying, monstrous thing. Filled with unscrupulous, shady characters making backroom deals. Hammering away, night and day. A constant, inexorable, boundless shadow, casting a pall over the country. Caring little for the lives of individuals, sacrificing constituency for personal gain, and occasionally progress. Now, though, it seems less Kafka, and more Keystone Kops.

It is, somewhat, a delightful relief.  Imagine being certain your every move was being analyzed, and recorded. Motives dissected, examined, and quantified, every action a point on a line chart, imposed over the backdrop of expectations, who wants that kind of scrutiny.  Then, picture discovering the organization that you assumed was able to watch your every move is a giant clown mini van, filled with tired, bickering, U7 soccer players after a long day baking under the summer sun.  Tired, cranky, demanding children who have no desire or motive save misbehaving.

Recently, I read of a freshman senator penning a letter to the Ayatollah Khamenei. In this letter he told the leader of this country that he and his fellow senators would not ratify any treaty signed and approved by the President, the Leader of Iran, and the allies and other negotiating parties, and at the very least were going to modify the agreement. Saying, in effect, the International Community who has worked to come to an agreement should have talked to them first.

Certainly, this is not questioning the sincerity, or authenticity of concern. There are many questions that need answered, and everybody who has a stake in seeing the world become a safer place has the right to know. But, it does seem a little demanding, petulant, cranky.

It does raise a very good question, too. Why not get the houses of congress involved, they have done such a remarkable job improving the conditions in America, after all.  They are so good at compromise, and deal making.  If you have any doubts just look at their recent record, stellar, they should be involved in everything.

We are coming after you.

Why stop there, though?  We should all have a say in these things.  We are officially announcing the Life Explained World Improvement Initiative (LEWII, we are the Kingsmen when you need them?).  We are banding together and starting a letter writing campaign to the heads of foreign governments, large corporations, television officials, movie producers, game designers, actors, anybody, anywhere, that grates on our nerves, putting them on notice that their behavior will no longer be tolerated.  We don't (collectively) like the cut of their jib (cumulatively).

We are also thinking of starting a Facebook page, a Twitter page, a Tumblr, a blog, and a YouTube channel (mostly because we have to find a use for that $6.00 or $7.00 app (we can not remember for sure) before someones wife finds out how much it cost).*

If lines are not toed, t's are not crossed, i's are not dotted, in a way of which we approve, we will retaliate in awesome, terrible ways.  The world will feel our wrath, and tremble before our might, we will have our say. And maybe somebody elses say, as well, we have a lot of rage, and very little to be too angry about, so if you have a complaint, let us handle it for you.  Just email us at tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com, and somebody will be sorry, the first one is free.

*We are still working on Life Explained, the Movie.  It is a big production, and it will take some time. Don't despair, at least until you watch it.

Healthy Living, it Ain't for Everyone

Ohio ranks 47th in the effectiveness of health care spending, according to the nonpartisan Health Policy Institute of Ohio.  Which is bad, but could be worse, because they rank all 50 states, and the District of Columbia separately, so it is not 47 out of 50, but 47 out of 51.  It has led to a rally on the lawn of the statehouse, with people chanting "we're not the worst, we're not the worst."

Apparently, despite my best efforts to become healthier, thinner, more fit, by quitting smoking, exercising, eating smarter, eschewing the elevator at work, and walking often is not enough.  According to an article in the Columbus Dispatch Ohio ranks 44th in adult smoking, 46th in adult diabetes, 48th in child immunizations, the list goes on and on, without varying much.

Not all the news was bad, though.  Ohio does rank 11th in accreditation of local health departments, and in employee sponsored health insurance, and 12th in fluoridated water.  So, it is not without hope. There are highly accredited local health departments with great teeth.

According to the report only Maine, Wyoming Indiana and West Virginia are less healthy than Ohio. Here is the bad bit, though, they spend far less than Ohio on health care.  It costs far less to be unhealthy in those places. In Ohio we have the privilege of being one of the most expensive, least healthy places.  In  fact, Ohio ranked last, bottom of the barrel, absolutely abysmal, in value for the health care costs.

This leaves two obvious choices, either provide better health care, or charge less.  Both of these are difficult, and require sacrifice. Obviously, prevention is much less expensive than cure, but it requires cooperation between doctor and patient.

Yes, a doctor can say "you should quit smoking, and lose some weight, you disgusting, overweight slob, before it kills you.  That will $230.00." Unless the patient is willing to take this sound medical advice to heart, it will do no good.

Conversely, a doctor can say "you have to start eating at least a few vegetables every week, and changing the channel at every commercial is not really aerobics.  That will be $75.00."  Charging less, or making people healthier, or both, which is going to work?  Probably neither.

But, we here at Life Explained, have a third option.  Embrace the slovenliness, welcome the weight, advertise the sloth.  Nobody likes to be told how they need to diet, nobody wants to hear they need to exercise more, people know they need to quit smoking. Everybody gets sick of the constant lecturing, brow beating, criticism. Ohio can make that a claim to fame.

"Fat, lazy, and proud, come to Ohio, you will be welcome."  Let other states give big tax breaks, and abatement's to attract businesses, selling future revenue for a brief bout of popularity, (kind of like life).  Ohio can boldly proclaim, "bring your business here, we won't tell you how to live your life, we like you just the way you are. Plus, we have donuts."

Businesses will flock to the state, the restaurant industry will flourish, tax revenues will rocket, and the state will be fat, and happy, and everybody will be grateful.  We can annex Indiana and West Virginia, we might need the extra room.  Ah, the future is bright, ah life smells sweet, like fresh caramel corn, or a fried Snickers bar.

Good News, Logistics Just Got Easier.

Today is a big day, here at Life Explained.  It is Friday, there is some power in that.  Plus, we are almost finished with our Matter Movement and Reintegration Process (MMARP).  It will revolutionize logistics, food service, and air travel.

We started small, just sending a donut and coffee from the kitchen to the secret laboratory in the basement, the one behind the dinosaur skeleton, not the one under the foosball table.  It worked out great, especially so if you enjoy dunking your donut in your coffee, well kind of through your coffee.  And if you don't mind the taste of styrofoam (really just the barest hint of a taste, more of an aroma of styrofoam, really) with your donut. These are pretty small things when the future is being discussed, and hey a donut is a donut.

Imagine the day when you will be able to order something on line, and have it appear on the desk, next to your keyboard.  Provided your coffee, and donut, are not sitting next to your keyboard.  You might want to ask for the "deliver to a place that is not occupied with scalding liquid, and delightful fried bread" option.  It is a little more expensive, but if you like coffee, and donuts, and don't care for being burned it is worth the investment.

It is a relatively green technology, requiring very little energy.  In fact our prototype runs off electricity generated by the windmill in the conference room. That was the greatest idea we have had in a long time.

Next week we are sending someone to the Moon, or at least to the deli for some sandwiches.  Any volunteers?  We will pay for the sandwich, and, if necessary, the reconstructive surgery, at least part of it.

A Colony on Mars, Wow, That's Big Time.

It was a great relief when the ship was finally finished.  Man we had been working on it for days.  "We should open a facility on Mars.  How hard would it be to build a interplanetary space ship?"  Dr. Dawg asked, at the Monday Morning production meeting.

Bob, from the commissary dropped his donut, right onto his khaki pants, the chocolate leaving an almost perfect circle halfway between his knee and his hip.  Slowly, almost painfully the donut tumbled onto the grey carpet, chocolate clashing with the delicate maroon pattern.  He sat there, slumped forward in the black padded chair, his mouth wide open, chocolate stained pants, a look of absolute amazement stamped on his face.

Bill, from Research and Development dropped his coffee, a large styrofoam cup from a local convenience store, the logo "Drink Our Coffee, We'll Make Some More" screamed from opposite sides, onto the dark wood top of the table.  It did not take long for the scalding liquid to find its way to the edge.  Forming a dark, steaming waterfall, it poured onto the floor with a noisy splash.  Bil looked crazily, and coffeeless, at Dr. Dawg.

A breakfast burrito fell, with a wet plop, to the floor, salsa, scrambled eggs, shredded sausage, bacon and hashbrowns exploding into a splatter all around "ground zero."  A China plate fell, and shattered, sending sharp, glass like pieces, and syrupy, buttery waffles all over.  A glass of orange juice, and a pitcher of water, a cup of tea, and flask filled with Scotch whisky, smash, crash, splash.  

Soon, Jim from Custodial Services stood up and said, "alright, that's enough.  We are not cleaning this mess."

So, after cleaning the meeting room we built the ship that would take the first batch of colonists to Mars.  Thank goodness we had been saving all of those parts, for all of those years.  Our earliest days as a company were lean and we learned not to waste.  

Tomorrow we start loading the provisions, after we negotiate what those provisions will be, of course.  I hope we pick some donuts, everybody likes those.  We might still have some room, if you're interested.

Newest news, from your trusted source for new news, maybe.

Most people who have been reading my blog for any length of time, if there are any people who fall in that category, (and if there are, thank you, you were always my favorites) understand that I have been trying to change my life.  I have been trying for several years with some success, and some failure.  Overall, though, it is starting to work.  Here is proof, sort of.  It is on the internet, so it has to be true, right?

Here is an article of mine that was published on Healthy Aging,  It is true, and probably contains no "enhancements" to make me sound better.  Though it was tempting to put something in there about super powers, which would make getting is shape even better.  But, I feel better now than I have in years.  If this would have been obvious I would have started years ago.

Read, enjoy, and say nice things about the author (me) to the editor (somebody else), you won't regret it, or I won't anyway.

NCAA Championship, too bad there is not more than one.

Monday is the National Championship Game in college basketball.  Duke (the Blue Devils) will face Wisconsin (the Red Devils, just kidding, they are the Badgers, but a game between two teams called the Devils would be cool).  It should be a good game, pitting Duke's trio of Freshmen against Wisconsin's veteran squad of upperclassmen.  Two experienced coaches whose teams are fundamentally sound, disciplined, and talented.

Of course, if anybody had been paying attention, they would see neither of these teams were in my Final Four, let alone the championship game, so it would be OK with me if they both lost.

Wisconsin did beat Kentucky, and as a Louisville fan that makes me happy, so Wisconsin would be alright.  And, if Duke win, our friend stands to win some money in her office pool, so Duke would be cool, so Duke might be a good choice.

However, having been a North Carolina fan for so long it is difficult to wish anything but evil for Duke.  So, that is kind of a tough call.

Since I am a Nebraska fan, and Wisconsin beat them so soundly earlier this year, it is so hard to hope for any success for them.

Being a sports fan can be a difficult, trying, labor of decision, loss, and sacrifice.  When the tournament starts a team is chosen, and certain emotional investments are made.  It becomes a relationship, you and the team, struggling, battling other teams, corrupt, myopic, referees, and partisan announcers.

Most times the team you have chosen to win, the team you really like, does not win, and you have to choose a secondary team.  And, the cycle starts over, often that will lose.  It is a roller coaster, hope and joy, and potential followed by crushing, terrible, heart breaking sorrow, and defeat.

Laughter, tears, elation, pain, and soon there is nobody left on the initial "I could live with any of these teams winning" list.  You are forced to choose from the lesser of the evils, and sometimes the evils are almost equal.

Then, you are forced to choose between untenable choices, and when the game starts it becomes a painful, tense, torturous exercise in avoidance.  It is like watching your parents fight, if you hate both of your parents, and are secretly wishing they would rip each other to pieces, be arrested, and spend the rest of their miserable lives rotting in a gulag, shovels in hand.  Well, that might be stretching the metaphor.

So, I will watch the game with difficulty, and a troubled conscience on Monday night, and dream of both coaches digging salt in a Russian mine.  Not really, and I always wanted the fights between my parents to end amicably.  I will probably root for Duke, my friend always invites me to participate in her company's NCAA pool, and she is my friend that is some powerful magic.

Life Explained, Explains Rats, and Other Things.

Last night we, here at Life Explained, were researching rats in American cities.  We were doing this by watching Monster Quest, one of our favorite tools in the pursuit of knowledge.  Turns out the common rat is the Norway Rat (Rattus Norvegicus).  Norway is a unitary Monarchy whose territory comprises the western most portion of the Scandinavian peninsula.  It seems to be either a very productive location, or a completely hostile place, for rats.

Also, according to Monster Quest, rats used to be much larger.  At some point, for some reason, the average rat size became what we consider to be an average sized rat.  Unless you happen to see one, by chance, in public, then it is a "giant, man eating rat."  But, according to Monster Quest, these are insignificant, miniscule rodents, when compared to earlier version of rats, and it seemed that it was not "Jurassic Rat" they were talking about either, these rats may have lived as recently as...

Due to technical difficulties, our wife came home and refused to watch a television show about rats, we did not get to discover when these giant rats lived, or what made rats become smaller. It might have been the fitness craze that swept the nation, or smarter eating habits.  Nor what would drive the increase to a more historically proportioned rat.    It might be a better class of garbage, maybe there are dietary supplements in the waste, or maybe they have been watching too many Under Armour commercials.

Fortunately for everybody, we had the foresight to record the episode and will watch the rest as soon as the television police go grocery shopping.

It is not without parallel, though.  Think back to the arc of the cell phone, at first big, blocky, heavy contraptions, many of which came with a big bag of equipment.  But, the rapid pace of technical innovation compressed, and compacted the phone, until it would fit comfortably on the head of a pin. If you had a phone so small it was difficult to find in your pocket you had "arrived."

After the discovery of YouTube, Instagram, and Facebook, people noticed that it was almost impossible to watch a video of somebody doing something humiliating, or painful on a screen the size of a postage stamp.  Soon phones were expanding exponentially.  People were clamoring for bigger screens, more "pixels" more memory, more processing power.  It requires a bag to to carry the phone around and it is almost impossible to hold it to up long enough to have a decent conversation.  But, a phone the size of a television is the ultimate symbol of success.

Absolute Proof, it is a chart, right?

Evolution is funny that way.  Things change, and sometimes it make sense, but most times life seems random, capricious, and occasionally cruel, no matter how big your smart phone.  But, stay tuned, we are making great strides in understanding the vagaries of existence, and the absurdity of life.  When we can use the remote, anyway.

A brief update, we have been making great progress in Life Explained the Movie.  So far we have a star, and a walk on signed to participate.  And we are, kind of, learning how to use the app.  Make sure to keep some popcorn handy, you won't want to miss this, it will answer a lot of questions, or at least the question of "what are you going to do with an app that costs that much?"

Life Explained, the movie.

Good news, for all of you who wondered what it was like to work at a top secret research and development facility.  We have brought in a film crew, (actually it is a guy who works here and owns an iPhone), a big time director (the same guy, allowing him to be the director was the only way he would agree to stay awake for the whole day) and a top flight, big budget special effects lab (ok, it is just an iPhone app, but it is pretty amazing, and it did cost $6.00 or $7.00 dollars (honestly, we were all so excited nobody really remembers how much it cost) which is at least a dozen donuts) to put it all together.

It is kind of exciting, we have the storyboard laid out, using two of our favorite pens.  Casting is going to be a little unconventional, with the expense of the new app, and the donuts, money is a little tight.  But, art is not contingent on,or tied to capitol outlay.

Good news is, there is a rumor, unsubstantiated so far, that Samuel L. Jackson is considering looking into the possibility of taking a bit part, as "scientist 3" or "unnamed engineer" just to say he had a part.  It is against the Screen Actors Guild guidelines to work of donuts, even the tasty ones we prefer.  But, everybody is keen to have their name associated with this project.

In fact, several presidential hopefuls are handing out cabinet appointments, and ambassadorships just to have a spot in the parking scene, a beautiful exchange between two lonely workers, both wanting the same ideal spot, close to the sidewalk, and far from the dumpsters.  Really touching, really emotional, filled with drama, almost guaranteed to get some votes.

There is a lot of excitement, and a little tension, and some bickering over who gets to operate the little clapper thing between scenes.  Those things are pretty cool.  Oh, by the way do any of you have one of those little clapper things they use between scenes we can borrow?  It might get you a shot in the movie.

Indiana, is that east or west of 1962?

In a stunning move sure to incite debate Indiana has passed the "Religious Freedom Act."  Which really sounds benign, our country was founded on several inalienable rights, among them was religious freedom.  Apparently, this law is not really about the right to practice any religion.  From what little truth can be sifted from the growing pile of vitriol and hate, misinformation, and anger, this law is more about the practice of exclusion.

It seems business owners can refuse to sell products, or services to people who are of a different faith.  Using the the sanctity of "religious freedom"  a business can keep their stuff, and the consumer can keep their money.  Which is not "smart business" but it is possible, now, at least in Indiana.

Amazingly, the Indiana Soybean and Corn Alliance has recently reached an agreement to export agricultural commodities to Taiwan, mostly, one can assume soy beans and corn.  This makes a lot of sense, Indiana has soy beans and corn, taiwan could use some.  Everybody is happy.  But, the chief religions in Taiwan are Buddhism, Confucianism and Taoism.  None of which are probably the religion being protected.

Boldly, the Program Manager for the Indiana State Department of Agriculture attended the Dubai Wood and Machinery Show in the United Arab Emirates.  He was promoting Indiana hardwood, which is, surprisingly, a very important crop for the state.  He sees the "hardwood sector growing into a more global economy all the time."  Of course the "global economy" would be significantly narrowed if you filter by the protection of "religious freedom."  It is not clear, but it is a good guess that the chief religion in need of "protection" in Indiana is not Islam.

Of course, a state needs to generate revenue, doing so requires a healthy economy, and a healthy business atmosphere needs a vigorous exercise of exchange.  Pursuing markets for the products produced by the businesses is a requirement for any state in this age.  And protecting the rights of citizens is one of the most sacred necessities of governing.  Religious differences are clearly not a problem for the state of Indiana when pursuing its goals.  Does Indiana really feel that the small business owners should be allowed to discriminate, or are they just invoking the name of religion to camouflage bigotry?