Oh, how I hate Tuesday.

Thank God this day is almost over. It has been hellish, agonizing, unendurable torture.

First the coffee maker didn't start. No fresh brewed aroma wafting through the house, welcoming the dawn. No, LED illumination lighting the way to a good morning. No, the button had to be pushed, by hand, in the dark!

Then it was cloudy, drizzly, crappy, the kind of weather that is so bad that it only get worse. Not enough rain to run the windshield wipers, but enough to make it difficult to see. Just enough for the wiper to smear into an awful mess. With a terrible screech assaulting the ears. No amount of the Grateful Dead can cover that sound, not even He's Gone from the Europe 72 Live, which will fix almost any problem imaginable.

Next my blue tooth headphones were dead. I forgot to charge the battery! Now I am tethered to my phone, like a dog on a leash. Every time I move the collar tightens choking the life from my pathetic, wasted day.

And to add a little insult to the injury laying in ambush, to scrape away the last bit of hope, they installed a new traffic sign over by the donut shop! They are taking this health consciousness a little too seriously.

But, hey tomorrow is Wednesday, and that is whole new game!

A nice day, somewhere.

Fall has arrived, and we are facing the prospect of winter. But, we can never stop dreaming about the perfect day. It is our curse, here at Life Explained, OH Office (LEHO). Of course at our Northeast Office (LENO) they have a different vision of the perfect day, any day from September to May that you don't have to shovel snow (for more than an 45 minutes) is pretty nice.

To create the perfect day we enlisted the help of our the Life Explained TerraForming Division. Space Agencies around the world are furious, they are working on a system to make distant planets hospitable, even delightful, why bother flying all the way to Mars if it isn't wonderful, after all.

Bob, the Lead Scientist, thought he had a perfect day dialed up. Sunny, warm and dry, with a light north breeze to keep things cool, and drive down the humidity that has been hovering over the area lately.

We were thrilled, we bought shorts and t-shirts, charcoal grills, steaks, brats, burgers, and Mahi-Mahi, frisbees and flip flops to work. Everybody was ready for one last summer day, we had a pitcher of Sangria and a cooler filled with bottled water, beer and soft drinks.

When dawn came over the area rain clouds stormed in from the south, and opened the valve, releasing a light, almost pleasant drizzle over the whole area, and our doppler radar showed a parade of clouds passing over the entire area for the whole day.

Everybody was furious. Even though the rain was pleasant and cool, it ruined the sand volleyball tournament we had planned. Some associates actually dug up some pitchforks and torches (a complete shock) and were headed towards Bob's office. Things were looking bleak.

But, this picture came through email to the whole company, and things started to make sense. We were so close. Maybe next time, Bob.

The Great LENO and Volkswagen Partnership

Good afternoon all you Explainiacs out there. It's me again, Jeremy Crow, the sole franchise holder of the Life Explained brand out here in the great Northeast. We here at Life Explained Northeast Office [LENO] are still working long and hard on the things that matter to us, and eventually will effect you, and this wonderful Mon day morning we have the most excellent news! We have formed an alliance with a wonderful German company [Volkswagen] to deal with an impending situation that has us quite concerned. For those of you who aren't in the loop there has been talk of a new technology in the form of a programmable micro-chip that the NFL intends to place on game balls in an effort to keep an up to the minute track of what the exact ball pressure is. This does not bode well for our only real client at this moment [The New England Patriots] and their hopes of winning the next 5 Super Bowls before Tom Brady decides to take up baseball.

Now I hold in my hands a white-sheet (well actually it is manila, but I didn't create the technical name) of a proposal by our new partners at Volkswagen to work on software that will deal with enhance the integrity of the game further. They have been such innovators on diesel engine software, and let's face it they are German so you can trust them, that they assure us that the new Volkswagen Clean Diesel models will get up to 4570 miles to the gallon, and if you don't believe them just look at that read out! Not only can they get that mileage but according to that same read out you can stick your mouth over the tailpipe and just breath deeply on that perfectly clean air coming out of there. That's the type of software engineering that we want in the micro-chips keeping track of the air in the footballs, and to show how determined we are to cheat clear up all of that horrible propaganda that is said about our biggest client, we will install it on the Patriots game balls and let everyone else use that inferior American technology!

Now of course as most alliances go, especially when they are intercontinental, we did have to promise certain technology swaps with them as well. We have filed the paperwork with the Obama administration for us to share the technology we created to create El Nino in the Pacific Ocean (Hey! After last winter we deserve a break man!) assuming that the former members of the Bush administration are willing to sign over the rights to the technology that we stole borrowed from them that creates hurricanes.

Oh hold on that's Dick Cheney on the phone right now.

Well we don't know that Dick Cheney knew my mother well enough to assume that we have those kinds of relations with her or what it has to do with any of this, but it sounded like Dick Cheney is in complete denial of the hurricane technology, so we will use the law of "finders keepers losers weepers" to transfer the license on that one. Now we just have to decipher the e-mails on this e-mail server the Obama folks dropped off with direct instructions to "Get that bitch for us and you can have whatever you want" and then we are in business!

Today in History, a List

It is time to look at the day ahead. The best way to do that is to look back. So on this day in history;

Today was the first of the televised Kennedy vs. Nixon debates. Kennedy was declared the winner by technical knock out. Many people felt Kennedy was much more comfortable in front of the camera, and was willing to wear makeup, while Nixon was a little pasty, sweaty and a lot like most Americans would be in front of a national televised audience. Proving that we don't want somebody like a normal American to be in charge, substance is secondary to appearance, and there is no point in saying anything profound unless you do it attractively.*

Francis Drake returns to England after sailing around the world, officially "circumnavigating the globe." He was the first British navigator to sail the globe. He set off on December 13th, 1577 with five ships, officially he was going to raid Spanish holdings in the new world, but a series of storms made a mess of things, and he wound up in San Francisco Bay and claimed the territory property of the Queen. The Forty Niners, and the Giants were furious, fearing that they were going to have to learn soccer (football, to Drake). But, the games were allowed to continue, and everybody was happy, even the Queen.** 

The Bill of Rights was ratified by the First Congress, and sent to the states for approval which is important, too.

The Brady Bunch premiered on television which is not important.

The first American soldier was killed in Vietnam, in 1945, that really surprised me.

A lot of other things happened, too, but this is enough for one post. Besides, I need more coffee.

*Here, I should add the disclaimer, I am a liberal democrat, not because I trust democrats any more than I trust republicans, only because I like the sound of being liberal more than conservative. And image is everything.

**I should mention that sailing is often called the "worst way to travel that doesn't use an airplane." At least on this blog. 

Another point of view UK vs. US, from a very wise friend.

A while ago +Mike Raven and I had one of our "showdowns." This time it was about government, and as always we had had a very good time, and made a couple of videos, and did not take it very seriously. But, +Richard G. Stevens posted a great piece, and it made me feel a little foolish.

Next, a man I have a great deal of respect for, +Rahul Singh weighed in, and sent me the following post. Rahul is a keenly intelligent man with a wonderful blog. But, he agreed to let me post this piece on my blog. It is an amazingly insightful look into a serious subject. It offers the insights that only someone from the outside can provide. Read this wonderful work, it is amazing, and please feel free to write your own post. I would love to hear what you have to say. And thank you, Rahul, your work is marvelous.

Hi, I am Rahul Singh. I am a blogger with a top-secret blog. I say this because if you would follow me in the near future, you will find me writing everywhere else other than my own blog. It's simple. I enjoy learning from my seniors (both in experience and age). To that end here I am at "Life, explained."

Well, we all know that the genius behind this blog is in a friendly war with Mike Raven. Who has the better system of governance? United Kingdom or United States. Honestly, I would want to go with the US, had the British not been the inventors of Cricket. I personally feel that Cricket is indeed the greatest invention since PAPER. I love these two things more than anything besides my family, friends and __ (fill the blank for yourself).

Let's compare both the countries' administration, as being a member of another nation far apart. (Disclaimer: Just the basics, I look at here).

1. Clean Politics: Both countries stand up well here. Both have their share of conspiracy theories, but nothing too alarming. At least, what we in India read. So, it's a tie here.

2. The inhouse politics: As a child, growing up in a developing nation I imagined the US as the country with no problems. That view has certainly changed. Honestly, the whole black-white thing is real mess to an outsider. Equality is one of the main principle of democracy. From outside, in the world filled with problems, the UK seems to be handling their house better.

3. President vs. PM: The US wins here. The American President is considered the most powerful man on earth. The PM of UK, I feel does not get enough of the powers. In the battle of democracies being partially a monarchy is a certain drawback. People should have the right to choose someone, who runs the place and is not a mere caretaker.

4. Round the globe: Well, as much as I hate to say, the UK have actually been better ambassadors of world peace than the US. No offence, but the people here are far critical of the US because of some of its startling measures. Anyway, if someone could share some more light on it, for now, as much as I hate the UK for all its past sins (personal opinion), I appreciate it's simple stand towards complex issues in the recent past. Also, it has amazingly built a reputation in modern times as a messenger of peace. Completely contrasting is its past image. At one time they seemed the greatest villains on earth. I quite like David Cameron as a PM.. So, with complete respct to US' efforts against terrorism, I still think US makes blunders with its foreign policies. So, give this to UK.*

5. Global-effect: The US might make blunders with things. People might not like their stance on most topics. However, there is no other nation that has more impact on this planet than the US. For a fact, if it's terrorism or any other topic. The US has certainly been one of the world's more proactive nations. The UK seems more reactive, which is not particularly helpful. So, it is again the US.

It is pretty even really, as far as I am concerned. I maybe am in slight favour of the US. Although, I may very well go with UK, if I am promised the Kohinoor to be returned to India.

James Polk, and Coffee, Get A Cup.

Doctor Dawg, in his zeal to raise money the old fashioned way, by peddling other people's crap, has called on some old friends to help him out.

We are talking old friends, in this case 220 years old. A person whose exalted position and unquestionable character have made him a natural for the job of brand spokes person.

Without further ado, let's introduce the 11th president, James K. Polk.

Tune in tomorrow, when George Washington tells us about lip balm, crossing the Delaware was difficult, trying and really dehydrating, and nobody can concentrate on conducting military operations with dry, cracked lips.

Bought to you by The Vote For Doctor Dawg, it is your only hope" campaign and bakery, where the promises are always fresh, and the donuts are always delicious.

Buy From Doctor Dawg, It Is Your Only Hope.

Candidate Dawg, or soon to be President Dawg if you prefer, has decided to forgo all of the usual channels for funding his campaign. He feels it leads to a sense of obligation;

"sure, big oil gave me millions of dollars, and they think there might be a deposit under the White House. 1700 Pennsylvania Avenue really sounds Presidential. Just move it a couple hundred feet, what can go wrong."

Doctor Dawg will be beholden to no special interest group. Plus, he is having trouble lining up big donors. There are a lot of candidates this election, and most of them are not dogs. And, Dr. Dawg says, "Humans really stick together."

So he has decided to "enhance" his own "revenue" by becoming a paid product spokesperson.

If you need a spokes dawg, have tons of money, and would like a little influence over policy, give us a call.

Paid for by, well it hasn't been paid for yet, if you are interested.

Democracy, It Belongs to the World, but Who Does it Better?

Democracy was born in ancient Greece, those people loved to vote, and debate. They would vote on things for days. But, that proved difficult and unwieldy, not nearly efficient enough for Americans. We like things streamlined, trimmed and neat. When we tossed all the foreigners out in 1700s (and it was not easy, we still sounded remarkably similar, thank goodness for the uniforms) we decided to make a good American Democracy.

George Washington said "I won't be king, but I will be the leader, we just need a good name, maybe Prime Minister. No that sounds too European, and it will look lousy on the Presidential Seal. Hey, how about Presidential, or better yet, President?"

"Great idea, what about us, though, we were there too?" the other founding fathers cried in dismay.

"You can be the Houses of Congress," Washington replied. 

They cheered, danced, drank, voted to shutdown the Federal Government and went on recess. Modern American Democracy was born.

And what a fine institution it is. Not a real democracy, it is what we like to call a representative democracy. We vote for people who tell us how bad other people are. They go to Washington and act like children, and ignore the needs of the people. If they can do this long enough they will be appointed to key committee positions, where they can ignore the needs of a much larger group of people. 

Really, it is the ultimate evolution of Government, the pinnacle of Democracy. We vote, they vote, and things run smoothly. 

If you can draw enough attention to yourself you have the opportunity to apply for the

ultimate job in American Politics, Vice Presidency. 

You want to talk about a plum assignment, this is one getting over job. Oh sure, he has to be "President of the Senate" and if something happens to the President he better be sober, but other than that he is just along for the ride. Man, what a gig.

There is nothing comparable in the UK government with its Westminster System, and uncodified constitution, Which, by the way means:

the fundamental rules often take the form of customs, usage, precedent and a 
variety of statutes and legal instruments.

I am only speaking for myself here, but I think there is way to much left open there. Imagine going into a "pub" and asking for a "pint" and saying you would like it chilled. Would David Cameron send in his legion of jack booted thugs to whisk you away, saying "chilled beer kind of goes against our customs, and as such is a violation of our uncodified constitution, mate."


Don't forget to check out the competition at Blog of Thog. Comment, and tell him he is a wonderful blogger, but a little off base, or spot on. It is your chance to have a say

Friday, and we are out of ideas.

There is a change in the air. The nights are cooler and more comfortable. Mornings are crisp, and wonderful, and the days are pleasant. But, life goes on, and carries with it the same problems and concerns. But, that is for another time, a different blog, today I am going to rejoice in Friday.

Friday is a day of hope, and release. It is important that you start Friday with the right mood. So, on my trip to work I started with "Come the Day" by Holly Go Lightly. It is important to set the tone, and nobody does it with more authority.

At work I chose coffee, and a tall glass of iced water. This is pretty normal, I try to drink a lot of water, but the unique part was the coffee, I chose the Starbucks Spring blend. Bold choice I know, but it was what I found in my "Stash of gourmet coffee." And it was delicious, with a bold coffee flavor that brings to mind a cup of hot coffee, and a surprising aftertaste of hot coffee, it was the right start.
























Breakfast was Quaker Warm and Crunchy Cranberry Almond Granola, with a sprinkling of muesli and dried fruit. Tasty warm and healthy enough I won't get in trouble with my doctor. A breakfast sure to help you power through the day.




For my fashion choice I went with a faded, grungy pair of denim shorts, in a blue almost white hue. This was remarkably offset by a bold royal blue Blendon Bulldogs shirt, In stark contrast is a Nebraska Cornhuskers lanyard to hold my security card. Sometimes I clip writing instruments, and spare binder clips to this as well. It is a handy tool to carry your life through a busy day, as well as...

Wait! This is ridiculous, I know sometimes ideas are hard to come by, but this is a new low, well maybe not as low as some lows this blog has seen.

Tune in next week when we will return to your regularly scheduled programming. Nice shirt, though, huh?

Throwdown Thursday.

In honor of the coming Great Transatlantic Showdown with the Esteemed +Mike Raven  we have launched the Inaugural Throwdown Thursday.

Everybody was so excited. The lunch room was buzzing, strategy, tactics tossed around like beach balls at an outdoor concert. It was electric.

Someone opened a bottle of wine, then another, and things were starting to loosen up a little.

You know what happens when an accountant mixes his Pinot Grigio and his Zinfandel. That's right, Bob, got his wine muscles on and took a swing at Michelle, the Customer Service Supervisor.

Too bad for Bob, too. Not only is Michelle in peak physical condition she has been studying some lethal sort of Martial Arts for several years. She had no trouble throwing Bob halfway across the room, where he slid under a table, and slammed into a wall.

In all the excitement Dr. Dawg actually bit Bob on the leg. Not hard enough to break skin, he is an
animal, but he has several advanced degrees, and a Nobel Prize. He knows when to pull a punch.

Everybody was really embarrassed, and sort of stunned. Except for Michelle. She just went back to her lunch, and her book. "Living In Harmony and Peace."

Bob hired a lawyer. After thinking about it, and remembering that he had started the fight, and got the livin' bejesus kicked out of him by a girl, after attempting to punch her in the back of the head, he decided to sue himself. The case is still pending and he is not allowed to discuss the details. We hope he wins big.

Don't forget to tune in tomorrow for Fist Fight Friday. It will be a gas.

It is close, man, real close.

I would like to remind everybody of the huge showdown this weekend. +Mike Raven of the painfully good Blog of Thog and I will be deciding once and for all, in no uncertain terms, unequivocally, beyond a shadow of a doubt which brand of government is superior. UK with a Prime Minister, House of Lords, and House of Commons, or the US with a President and Houses of Congress.

This is not going to be easy, because I don't really have a lot of faith in governments of any kind. It is not the government that is troubling, it is the people that worry me. Historically, when given a little power people let it go their head, and the next thing you know all hell is breaking loose.

Plus, I like the UK, there are a lot of great things that have come from the Island Nation. Coleridge, Shakespeare, Dickens, The Clash, The Kinks, The Beatles are just a few. There is nothing bad between Great Britain and Life Explained.

I even tried to spell color with a U (colour), because it seemed all British, and cool. Siri kept correcting it, though. I said "Siri, I want to spell color with a U." She said, "we're not doing that, Tim." Dangit,  I can't have anything.

The Coveted Best of the Worst Cup

But, the debate goes on, and I am armed with twenty or so presidential candidates, and a conviction that out of all the governments in the world ours (here in the good ol' US) is probably not the worst.

That's right, Mike, we are not the worst. In fact, we might be the least bad! I am here to say, with pride and conviction, that our government might be the best kind of awful, are you ready to deal with that.

More from the Life Explained Northeast Office [LENO]

Good morning folks, Jeremy Crow here, the leader of the first Life Explained franchise up here in the northeastern part of the country, where we work on the things that matter most to us, and may affect the rest of you. Actually when we are done working on it, it will probably most definitely affect the rest of you. As in our last white paper on trying harder, or as many people like to call it “cheating” we again will try to deal with some issues that affect the great New England pastime, of watching 31 other teams fight over who gets to lose to the Patriots. It isn’t easy, but then again if it were easy it wouldn’t be part of what we here examine now would it?

As a public service this week we have decided to leave the trying harder to the staff at the Patriots organization while we work on way that other teams can cope with not being the Patriots. Although this doesn’t seem all that easy we have been studying the data and have a few drug free approaches to dealing with the trauma of not being a Patriots fan. Now we aren’t going to take the New York Jets approach to dealing with this, by being the most fabulous disaster every year, we are thinking more along the lines of the Cleveland Browns approach of you wait until next year. It always seems to work well until it is next year, and then you can always say, that it is this year, and next year is still on the table.

The new approach to not being a Patriots fan appears to be the “at least we don’t cheat” method. In theory you can always say, “at least we didn’t cheat” when your team loses, and then feel better about yourselves. This only seems to work as long as you are in denial over how it makes a Patriots fan feels. They actually don’t care, but if you try really hard you can convince yourself that the feeling of being a winner that they always seem to have, has been lessened a little bit. I mean in reverse it always seems to make the Steelers fans feel better that they have never admitted to losing a game. They take great solace in believing that every game they didn’t win was because someone somewhere screwed them out of the victory, so the philosophy is strong and has stood for decades, as long as the denial doesn’t weaken.

In the event that the denial weakens you can always move along to plan two. There is always some team out there that is worse than yours. I mean this doesn’t work well for Jacksonville Jaguars fans, but if you squint your eyes really tight, and hold your breath until you are about to pass out, you can feel good that you aren’t a Chicago Cubs fan. I mean sure it is a cross mingling of sports and all, but thanks to global warming and the end of the earth there is no chance the Jaguars will go 419 years without a championship like the Cubs seem to be going. We’re all about solutions here folks, even if you can’t just love life as the fan of a champion. There is always someone somewhere that is worse off than you or a really good excuse to why others do better than your team.

Well from the great northeast we just want to say, look on the bright side. Not everyone can have a crack team like us to work on life’s little problems, but if you just stick to our company motto (We’ll fix it or we’ll fix it so that nobody will EVER fix it!), you too can start explaining away the world’s most fascinating and complicated issues, or at least have a good knowledge of where to hide the evidence otherwise.

Football, evolution and the curse of the modern world

It is Sunday, late summer, and the air is cool and comfortable, sometimes a little too cool to be comfortable, still it feels like summer is gone. Summer is great, everybody loves summer, all of the sun, and swimming, but it can really wear out its welcome. Ninety degree heat and ninety percent humidity can create drag, friction. If it weren't for all of the sweat there would be a lot of people bursting into flames. Sweat is a wonderful evolutionary device.

Evolution has given us quite a bit. It has taken us from our early days of roaming from place to place, digging in the dirt for roots, chasing down animals, hunting and gathering, to a civilized world filled with soaking wet, sweaty people who are chasing down bargain meat, and vegetables in Mega Stores. Fighting over the last 3 pound package of reduced price ground chuck, as you watch helplessly from the back of the crowd, thinking "I wish those people would burst into flames, and I could grab that package of delicious hamburger, and feed my family."

But, they won't. Because evolution has provided us the means, at great expense to keep these gigantic, cavernous buildings cool and comfortable. And filled with wonderful food products that will sustain our families for the long week ahead, even during football season.

Football season dramatically increases the caloric intake of the average American family. Evolution has given us the intelligence to watch our favorite teams play, no matter where the game is, right from the comfort of our living room. There is so much yelling and screaming and gnashing of teeth, that it requires a dramatic increase in sustenance. Mostly beer, chips, and pizza.

It takes a lot of food and drink to watch, big sweaty men play a game. Watching with hope, against all common sense, really burns calories. It really takes energy to watch a dream die right on television. How often have we wished that the speedy running back streaking down the sideline, (as our team's defense watches helplessly with no chance of catching him) would burst into flames, the ball bouncing to our team, and saving us the humiliation of one more score in a lop sided loss?  But, evolution has saved the speedy, impossibly muscled young man safe from spontaneous combustion.

In short, evolution is mixed blessing, particularly during football season. Tune in next week when we discuss Survivor for football officials, (vote the blind one off the island) an idea whose time has come.

Damn Those Patriots.

Until recently the I cared very little for the NFL. Oh sure I would always pick a team to root for, normally right after the Super Bowl. Man, I was on a roll there, my teams were kicking bottom, It was a great system.

It was an ill wind that blew in from the Northeast. There was a group of men, who had the audacity to call themselves patriots, and even invoked the image of the Minute Man, cheating. And not just cheating either, you know grabbing a little extra jersey, or poking a guy in the snoot at the bottom of a pile, or saying heinous things about an opponents Mother when lining up against him, they all do that, it is an accepted part of the game.

And it wasn't just the garden variety schmoozing of the referee, in an effort to distract him, or "accidentally" stepping on the quarterback while he is laying on the ground, or the greasing of the uniform with slippery silicone to make yourself more difficult to tackle, or having the person with the down marker distract the coach by chewing gum and popping bubbles as annoyingly loud as possible, everybody does those things. That is just strategy.

No, this was much worse, it was so bad even the NFL and the Super Fans who anchor the shows on
ESPN and Fox Sports had to say something. That is how desperate it has become. It seems that the quarterback deflated some footballs that were used by the other team.  It was so bad that the NFL suspended him from four games. But, the American Judicial system in its zeal to mete out justice overturned the suspension. Justice at work, an American Symbol.

During the opening game between the Steelers and the "Patriots" (don't make me laugh) the Line Judge called a False Start on the right tackle of the New England team, and was about to assess a five yard penalty, but the Judge came out on the field and overruled him. He actually called an encroachment on Pittsburgh and gave the five yards to New England. The Pittsburgh coaching staff was livid, and were almost charged with Contempt of the Court. It was so close.

Thank goodness they had soothing music being piped into all of their communication gear, or it could have gotten ugly.

NFL the season begins.

Last night the NFL season officially began, here are the highlights. Two teams filled with huge, fast, fit men making gigantic piles of money lined up in opposing lines and ran as hard and as fast as they could until they slammed into each other.

One team scored more points and won the game. But, I am not sure how many points they scored, I am pretty certain the Patriots won, though, because according to reports they are unrepentant cheaters. Scofflaws, ne'er do wells, that disregard rules, regulations, and common decency. Which makes winning a lot easier.

Here is the problem, there are people lining up to offer damning evidence that the Patriots are cheating. Somebody is obviously not very patriotic. At this point it is difficult to tell whether it is the Patriots who, by the act of cheating so blatantly that even the NFL has noticed, are defiling the decent name of patriotism, or the accusers who, tired of losing, and watching the New England team bask in the glory of victory are unfairly accusing a group of Patriots, who are guilty of nothing more than excellence.

And either way I am furious. Those bastards! I just don't know where to vent my outrage right yet.

But, if the Patriots are guilty I would like to offer them the opportunity to run my fantasy team, with their alleged ability to game the system, and my indifference to fantasy sports we could go a long way. What do you say, Bill?

The Countdown.

The countdown in on, only... 8 or 9 more days, maybe 10, I am not much for math, and my calendar is around on the end of my desk and facing the wrong direction. But, it is not long now. The big showdown between the hapless +Mike Raven* at the Blog of Thog regarding the respective governments of our respective nations. Complete with video.

For those of you asking, "hey whats in it for me?" and here I am not going to name any names, but
there are people who have expressed an interest in being swayed, financially, or at least prestigiously, I have discussed possible compensatory rewards with the corporations who own the US government. Lets just say there are several openings in the near future, vis-a-vis speaker of the house, majority whip, even the oval office for those willing to see the "red, white and blue light."

Oh, and don't forget to write a post detailing your opinion, and add a video, maybe tweet. It is your chance to have your say.

Oh, and here is a little sample clip, so Mike can see what kind of carnage he is facing.

*He is not really hapless at all, in fact I would venture to say he has plenty of haps, a whole boatload of haps, he maybe the most happening guy I have never met. Though someday we are going to meet and I will buy him a beer, or a coffee based drink, he seems to like those.

Doctor Dawg joins the team.

It seems like we have been working together forever. But it wasn't that long ago that it was just Bob, and Bob, and me, with a 1971 VW Van, a used copier, and a dream. We had been kicking around for a couple of years, trying to workout the details to a small time travel device. Nothing big enough for a human, or even a dog, or a cat. Something the size of a can of coke, or a package of breath mints.

We knew that if we could send a modern day item back in time, to the precise moment they took one of those tin plate photographs, the photos with all the grim, scowling people, we were on our way. The government would have to take us seriously. Besides it would have been great to see Bob's scowling, angry looking Grandmother holding a frosty can of Coca Cola, or a unopened package of Mentos. There might even have been some advertising money to be had.

But, we couldn't get past the Power problem, it takes a lot of juice to send something through time, even a soft drink. That is where Doctor Dawg came in handy.

Looking over his resume we were astonished, several advanced degrees in mathematics, engineering, chemistry, physics, and a minor in philosophy. "and you're working as a guard dog?" we were stupefied.

"Most people wouldn't even interview me as a scientist, probably because I'm a dog." There was a touch of bitterness in his tone, or maybe that's just the way dogs talk. He is the first talking dog we had ever met.

Darned Punks, Anyway

Anyway, he managed to convert an old microwave into a small fission reactor, and we sent a can of coke back to one of the first primitive photographs, but it didn't work out the way we planned. It spilled onto the lap of the subject, who happened to be an important member of the government of a small European nation. He stood and stabbed the photographer, who happened to be from a different small, European nation, and soon they were at war.

It didn't take long for a larger European nation to jump in and swallow them both. Those things happened all of the time back then, it wasn't our fault, probably.

Anyway, Doctor Dawg joined the team and we have been moving forward ever since. He wasn't a very good guard dog, he just didn't have the right stuff.

Labor Day, Swappers, It Was Humid, Hot, and Fun

It was a great day, with a great breakfast, a really great breakfast, and the coffee was wonderful, so rich, dark, steaming, you could see the flavor wafting up from the cup, oh man was the coffee good. after that it was only a twenty minute drive up the highway to the Johnstown Swappers Days. Free parking, in a pasture, buzzing with mosquitoes,  a short walk across the field and the road, five dollars for admittance and we were immersed in a ninety degree day, high humidity and a crowded, far flung, wild west flea market.

It was a hectic, crazy, chaotic day filled with a variety of booths, selling everything from tools to bottle openers, to rabbits to hunting dogs. And weapons, tables full of weapons. I have been on hunting trips with people who weren't so well armed. People were walking around with rifles, shotguns, sidearms. It is amazing how careful a person treads when dealing with hundreds of armed people, mutual assured destruction on a personal scale.











After this trip I can feel comfortable saying 2nd amendment rights are very well protected. Including the right to bear arms, to trade them openly, to bicker endlessly in public about the price of the weapons.

Amish people are pretty safe as well. They were well represented, and heavily involved in the trading that took place. Plus, they were using cell phones. This seemed a little surprising.






















It was a great day, there were too many booths to see them all
in the oppressive heat and sweltering humidity, but we ended up looking at most of them. And fully intend to go back next year with the hope that it is a little cooler, and more comfortable. We are very confident the breakfast will be good anyway,

Labor Day, Swap Meet, and Breakfast. How American can I get?

Labor Day and we are off on a big adventure, we are going to the Johnstown Swappers Meet. It is a huge flea market filled with... Well I am not sure what it is filled with, we have never been there. But it has been going on for 71 years, and is huge.

At the end of the day, I will know what is there, and so will you.

Enjoy your Labor Day, but not too much, you have to work tomorrow.

More Political News, Good News for a change.

It is Sunday, a day of rest, unless you are very busy, and I am. First I would like to announce the newest, greatest, most believable, (let's hope that doesn't sink him) candidate for the 2020 Presidential Election. +Christian Touchet has decided to take time our of his busy schedule to save the country from self immolation.

He is going to use "logic" something new and untried in Washington. It might be political suicide, but it might be salvation. It has to do with common sense, and a certain amount of balance. This is a radical departure from the norm. If nothing else it will be a nice change from the current system of everybody saying the same thing. Yes, they all use different words, but in the end they all have the same message, which is "vote for me, I am the least worst of all these guys, and I won't mess things up, too much."

There is no word, yet, on where you can donate to his Super PAC, but if you want to send your donations to the Life Explained Accounting Department we will make sure it gets to the right place.
Eventually.

In further Presidential News, +Mike Raven has thrown down the gauntlet yet again, (technically it wasn't so much a throwing down of a gauntlet, whatever that is, as much as a mutual agreement, if governments would blog the world would be a happier place) challenging me, and all of us at Life Explained to a trans Atlantic debate regarding the respective governments of Great Britain and the United States.

 And, he even insulted my dog (technically he isn't my dog, he belongs to the people for whom I work, my wife has gone so far as to suggest I am his human sidekick, and +Jeremy Crow actually claimed he was the real brains behind the whole operation), so this has become personal.

Two weeks from yesterday I will show the world why having a President, and Houses of Congress is the ultimate form of government, kind of. I am not sure I can pull this off, because honestly I don't think much of our government. But, when fact fails we always rely on fiction, and that has always worked for the politicians, right?

But we can't do it alone, everybody should post something praising their favorite, or ideal government. It is your duty. Yes, I said duty.

Please pay careful attention to the coming debate there will be a quiz, and it will featured prominently on the midterm... Oops, sorry about that the new school year always confuses us.

Alien Life Coming to Visit,

Today was an exciting day, here at Life Explained. It was so exciting when we got this text message from an Alien Life Form.

It's not every day an alien life form sends you a text message. It is even rarer when they are coming to visit.

Oh sure, there was that time we got the email from the future, and that was cool, and all, but it was almost useless unless you wanted to bet on the 3017 World Series or were looking for the latest in future fashion. Which was all shiny, and drab, and form fitting and baggy all at the same time. If you think modern fashion is inaccessible you should see what people are wearing in the next century, or maybe you shouldn't. We kind of wish we hadn't.

Anyway, that was different, bland, terrestrial, kind of like dinner with the family. Yes it is food, but family is always a little frustrating, and you certainly can't take them out in public. Pretty soon somebody will say "what did you mean by that?' and the fight is on. Police, SWAT, and banned from another restaurant.

We hope it isn't like that time those spirits from the past faxed us, (we had to forgive the primitive technology, they were from the past, after all) we were so excited. Until we found out they just wanted to scam us for a few dollars. Invest in futures, they said, yeah, right.

Anyway, we are going to have them park in the field by the top secret Life Explained headquarters, it is zoned for extraterrestrial visitations, a little money in the right counsel person's pocket can do wonders.

We hope it is not one of those Alien things like from the Alien movie. That would be awful, but they didn't text, and we saw all of those movies.

The Secret History Of Labor Day, at least it was a secret.

With the approach of the three day weekend we, here at Life Explained, would like to wish you a happy Labor Day. It was not that long ago that we, here at Life Explained, invented Labor Day.

It had been a long, hot summer, and we had been killing ourselves to catch up. We had a pocketful of change, a powerful thirst, and a strong desire for grilled food. But, things were so busy, and we were so far behind.

Then it hit us, why not initiate a three day weekend. No matter how far behind you are, how busy things have gotten, no matter how overwhelmed, nobody expects anybody to work on a three day weekend. It's in the constitution somewhere. Right between bearing arms and equality. Look it up.

So, we started calling and emailing everybody we knew, "hey, what do you have planned for Labor Day?" People will never admit ignorance, and soon all of the people we had emailed and called were calling and emailing, texting and facebook messaging everybody they knew.

"Hey, what do you have planned for Labor Day?"

And nobody would say, "nothing, I've never heard of that."


Our government will never admit ignorance either. So they backdated a bunch of official documents, and memorandum giving credit to some long past official, who knows who.


Now, thanks to our culture of delusion everybody "remembers" ancient Labor Days with their families from years ago. But, really it only started in 1998, because we wanted beer and bratwurst, thank goodness we only use our power for good.   You can thank us later.

Take My Advice, That is My Advice

My gym, technically not my gym, (but sometimes it is so empty that it might as well be my gym) is located in the school building where my wife works. It is kind of small, and has limited equipment, but employees, their spouses and retired employees can use it for free. Someday I may outgrow it and have to move up to a membership gym, but until then I love the place. There are weights in there I have yet to lift.

Since it is so small just a few extra people can seem like a crowd. And a couple of times a year there are several extra people. Right after New Year there is always a big crowd, people who have decided to really whip themselves into shape this year. I always root for them, silently, hoping they have the fortitude, and desire to stay the course. But, by the end of February they have thinned out, and it becomes the Life Explained Memorial Gymnasium again. It is nice to have the place to myself, but the promises dying makes a sad sound.

When school starts there is always a wave of fitness seekers. It is mostly young teachers, and they are young, brash, and confident. It is a magic time and I feed off their enthusiasm. Waves of enthusiasm flood the small room, you can almost see the good cheer. They come in together, talking, smiling, joyful, and it really boosts the atmosphere. Soon the groups get smaller, and then stop altogether. It makes me a little melancholy, like losing a friend.

But, I keep going, and think to myself, if these people would commit a few more weeks, they would understand the way it makes life seem a little better, things are a little easier when you exercise regularly. Last time I had my blood pressure tested it was 121 over 71!  I was walking on air!

Here is my advice, exercise, regularly, and you will feel like Richard Thompson and me.

A tale of two candidates. Or Fear of Flying.

For several years there was a program about a poor man, with little education, who had been a petty criminal trying to turn his life around. He was obsessed by a belief in Karma, and felt the need to make amends for all the bad things he had done. "My Name Is Earl," was about a man and his brother living in a cheap hotel and working on repairing the path they had laid to waste.

On one episode they were flying to Mexico. Being poor, and unsophisticated they had never been on a plane before. When the flight attendant went through the pre-flight instructions (about emergency evacuations, water landings, all of the wonderful things) to the passengers Earl became increasingly agitated. Finally, he jumped up and ran off the plane, stopping just long enough to tell the Flight Attendant "here's a little tip for you, next time tell some stories about what to do if the plane doesn't crash."

This may be why Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are enjoying such unexpected success. They are espousing ideas that involve moving forward. Taking steps to improve things, make life better for people. What they are going to do to keep the plane flying.

Too many politicians are saying things about their first day in office they are going to rescind this order, denounce a treaty, undo an official act. In essence telling the constituents, the plane is already on doomed, put your tray table up, and be grateful you have a little time to make amends.

Or, they may rely on the old tactic of pointing out how their opponent has made a mess of things, and could only be expected to do worse with more power. Sort of the Peter Principle Political Variety. Elected to their level of incompetence, and down goes the plane, please put your head on your lap and weep softly.

Sanders and Trump maybe promising things that make little sense, or have any chance of succeeding, but they are proclaiming their commitment to action. Even if you think "there is no way that guy is qualified to fly this plane" it is nice to hear someone say they have ideas about keeping the heavier than air, coffin like projectile in the air.

Hold On, it's going to get rough!

They probably have no chance at all of being elected, high hopes and popularity will only take you so far. Particularly when the political parties are marshaling their forces to encircle and crush the wayward candidates. There is a lot of power in the major party forces and they will have no problem wielding their might.

But, it has been fun hearing stories about what to do when the plane doesn't crash.