Hey, NASA, great idea, whose was it?

Charles Bolden, NASA chief, recently held a press conference announcing his plans to send a manned mission to mars.  He feels this is the only way to assure the continued existence of humanity. He did not detail his reasons for concern, and we are kind of grateful.  However, we are compiling a list of our own, "Life Explained Threats to the Continued Existence of Humanity, so far we have;

1-Humanity (we are researching an antidote for this affliction)
2-Spiders
3-Invasive Species (including spiders)

But that is not what we are here to talk about today.  We are here to discuss timing, and gratitude.  Readers will probably remember Life Explained advocating this very course of action.

See, we told you it was a good idea.

As is plain to see, either we have very good ideas, well ahead of everybody else, or we have a time machine.  Unfortunately, we are not allowed to disclose that information, contractual obligations, you know?  But, you can thank us later, or earlier, if you have a time machine.

A Guest Post, Too Elaborate For Definition.

Today, Life Explained Nation, we are going to try something new, a guest post, from a very funny man who writes a very funny blog, a blog I enjoy very much.  Everybody should take a look at  thoggy.blogspot.com, you won't regret it.

Firstly, thanks to Tim for letting me guest on his blog. Allow me to introduce myself briefly - I'm Mike, I'm 31, a parent and I probably eat and drink a little bit too much now and again, giving me a, shall we say, staunch figure.

And, I have a love-hate relationship with technology.

Now this is odd because I am generally considered a geek, especially when it comes to all things electronic.  I had my first computer when I was extremely young (which was the fantastic Sinclair ZX81) and over the years have owned a wide variety of computers, from consoles to home computers, to around a dozen PCs - albeit not all at the same time, I should clarify!  Indeed, I hold a degree in IT.

So, you'd imagine that I would be somewhat au fait with all this techie guff.

And yet, it still manages to bamboozle me now and again.  If I want to transfer something from my phone to my PC, I have to connect the phone to the PC using the ever-useful mini-USB cable, then tell the phone to pretend to not be a phone, but actually look like a camera - and then not to pretend any more, revealing its true self as an Android-enabled Samsung piece of kit that does everything (including, apparently, making telephone calls). It's as though the PC wants to play peek-a-boo with the phone before it will talk to it.

 "Ooh, he's got a new camera! I'll connect to that - hey!  It's that crafty little phone after all! Hi Phone!"

My true hatred, however, is reserved for that ubiquitous computer accessory - the printer.

Printers hate me. And I return the feeling.

I can connect the printer up to the computer.  I can install the latest printer drivers onto the computer. But will the computer recognise what is on the far end of the USB cable?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - No.

Countless hours are spent tweaking settings, testing different driver versions, Googling the problem (does anyone remember a time when you had to know things, instead of having the worlds knowledge at your fingertips?), until finally, with great reluctance, you call the printer support line.

The automated service kicks in. Heaven forbid that you should actually just speak to someone.

"Hi, and thanks for ringing Yalkamoto Electronics.  Listen carefully to the following options."

I want support, I think to myself.

"Press 1 for sales."

No, support.

"Press 2 for finance."

Nope, I need support, thanks.

"Press 3 for all fishtank-related queries."

Support - wait, what fishtank-related queries are they handling?!? They make printers. Are people printing fish?

"Press 4 for human resources."

Right, okay, it's clear that support is going to be right at the end of this list of options.

"I didn't hear you make a choice. Press star to repeat your options."

But - where's support?!?

You hit 1, with the theory that sales will at least answer the phone quickly. Of course everyone else with a dodgy printer does the same thing, so you get to wait in a call queue. The sort where, between blasts of music, you'll be told "Your call is important to us.  Your call is in position number,,, NINETEEN - in the queue."

Eventually, you get to speak to a real person.

"Thank you for calling Yalkamoto Electronics!" you hear down the line, in a cheery singsong.

"Hi, I've got a problem with my printer."

"And you'd like to buy one of ours? Great choice!"

"No - I have one of yours.  I need to speak to your technical support."

"Ooh, they're all on a training day today. Have you tried unplugging it and plugging it back in?"

"Yes," I say through gritted teeth, "I have tried unplugging it, and even plugging it back in after unplugging it."

"How about I take your details, and get our technical support team to call you right back?"

You give them your details.

The next day, someone rings from technical support.  Of course, they ring you when you're driving / asleep / playing Call of Duty, so you don't answer the phone. They don't leave a phone number for you to return their call, just a message saying that they tried to ring.

After many moons, you speak to an actual technical expert.

"Hi, I'm Lee from Yalkmoto Technical Support, what seems to be the problem?"

"My printer doesn't work."

"Okay, can you unplug it and plug it back in for me?" he says. He has to say this, because for so many people this is the problem. You know that it isn't the answer to your problem, because you understand computers, and this must be a real problem that only a true technical genius can answer.

"Fine, but I've already done this..." your speech trails off as you spot the power switch on the printer is in the off position. Pressing it, you suddenly hope that the printer is actually broken.

No such luck. It buzzes into life, whizzing print heads backwards and forwards, and a new prompt pops up on your computer screen, informing you that Windows has detected a new printer, and it'll just install the drivers for you.

I hate technology.

Mike, when not drinking, eating, drinking or drinking, blogs over at thoggy.blogspot.com - feel free to check him out.

Things will get better.

Today I upgraded the operating system on my iPhone.  Actually, it did all the work, after pressing yes, and agreeing to the terms and conditions (which I didn't even read, I hope there was nothing too bad, and binding in there) my part was over.  According to the little message this update contained "improvement, bug fixes and security improvements."  All of that sounds like a good idea, and it was free, and except for minimal effort I was off the hook.  But, the question screams through the empty spaces in my mind, echoing and bouncing, yelling, and begging for attention.  What bugs needed fixed?

According to several sites on the internet, it fixes a bug that impacts keyboard responsiveness and a bug involving bluetooth keyboards with VoiceOver enabled.  Both of which are probably long past due, though I hadn't noticed either, and I do use a bluetooth keyboard on my iPad, but not VoiceOver, in fact I have never heard of it.   Also, there were some enhancements to Safari, the web browser.  So, it was probably a good idea.

Recently, Clash of Clans updated their game.  It was a big update, and added a new combat feature called Clan Wars.  A method for one clan to have a war with another clan, instead of just going out and randomly attacking some stranger, who was just hanging around, probably trying to save up enough elixir to upgrade his spell factory, when out of the blue somebody comes along and steals about 100,000 units, wipes out his defenses and smashes up all of his stuff.  Kind of a rude thing, but it is a brutal game, in a way.  Now, though, you can attack a member of the other clan and smash and grab and steal and destroy, and it is just a mirror village, and he doesn't really lose anything, I don't think.  So there are a lot of benefits.   But, our first clan war, when I tried to scout my first opponent it wouldn't let me, plus it wouldn't let me attack, or anything else to help the clan's war effort.  A little research (again, on the internet) told me that it was just a bug, and restarting the game would allow attacks, though, it was a blind attack against an enemy of unknown strength.  Which kind of sucked.  It was a bug, and the next upgrade (which came very quickly) fixed it.

Countless times during the day we encounter things that don't seem quite right.  Things that might give pause, consternation, or anger.  These occurrences often come unexpectedly, during the commute, at work,  anywhere, they will pop up, and you will think, "huh, that is odd."

They happen all of the time, they are only software glitches.  We are working to straighten them out as quickly as possible, and apologize for any inconvenience.  We appreciate your patience.

Survival, It Ain't Always Pretty.

There is a species of fungus in the Brazilian rain forest that will infect an ant, taking over the poor creatures brain.  The fungi will force the ant to wander through the forest, and find a place suitable for the growth and reproduction of fungus, and then kill the ant.  This was brought to us by National Geographic, as seen here (Crap, I am glad I am not an ant.).  These are known as zombie ants, which is appropriate.

There is a wasp that will sting a Costa Rican Spider, making the spider spend it's last night on Earth building a cocoon in which the wasps larvae can grow, and metamorphosize in safety, high above the predators on the jungle floor.  Of course, they eat the spider, as well.  This is from LiveScience, and can be seen here (Dang, that is kind of heartless, even for a wasp)

According to the "Dirty Money Project" at New York University, as reported by NPR, (ewww, gross, if that is too dirty for you I will take care of it.) the paper money you carry is crawling with bacteria, sometimes up to 3,000 different strains.  Three thousand different types of bacteria crawling around on your dollar bills.  That is a little unsettling, and crowded.  You can probably hear the screams of little bacteria toes getting squashed underfoot if you hold the money close enough to your ear.

Often times economists will bemoan the fact that Americans are not saving enough, that we are society of instant gratification, and indulgence.  Now we know why.

Money based bacteria does not want to spend its life locked in a bank vault, it wants to get out and party. It likes to travel, see things, check stuff out, you know, do bacteria entertaining activities.  Bacteria will send a contingent up to your brain to make recommendations. "Hey, how about a beer?"  Or, "Doesn't a trip to 'Big Bob's Burger Barn" sound like fun?  You are starving."

There is not much you can do about it, they have you outnumbered, they have been around a long time, and know a lot of tricks.  I am not saying you should just give in, saving is still a good idea,  but don't be too hard on yourself if you buy a new stylus, it is not your fault. Remember, things could be worse, think about that poor ant.  Right now I am going to get a bite to eat, I am kind of hungry.

Your Guide to Technology.

With our cable television we received a DVR (Digital Video Recorder).  A revolutionary device that records the things we want to watch while we are watching something else we want to watch.  Proving the theory that there is always "something good" on TV, not only something good, but often two things that have earned the "something good" classification, at least from my family.  After recording it we are free to watch it whenever we like, as often as we like, and we can skip the boring parts, and get right to the scene where (please, feel free to use your imagination and insert your favorite bit of any show you might record, and watch repeatedly here).

However, the real magic in this heaven sent electronic marvel is the ability to pause, rewind and fast forward "live television" (technically, it does not have to be live television, which is defined as "a television production broadcast in real time" and pausing it and rewinding, or fast forwarding through portions would ruin the spontaneity the producers hoped to achieve using "live television") so you can pause the program you are watching and grab a handful of corn chips, and some salsa, and maybe some cookies and milk, or crackers, cheese, and a drink, or a sandwich, potato chips and some dip, or a candy bar, and iced tea, or..., you get the idea.

Hindsight is important, but imagine being able to view the present with that same air of smug comfort and confidence that comes when looking at the past.  That level of "man, that was some high point, for me, I really nailed it."  That is where the true value of manipulating "live television" lies.

I take a relatively busy freeway to work each morning, and an accident can really throw a wrench in the gears of commuting.  Knowing there is a tie up can really save time.  Watching the local traffic report is helpful, I recommend it, in fact, but sometimes an accident will happen after I leave and before I get to work.  If only there were a way to check the traffic report for the future, that would be great.

Thanks to the electronic voodoo provided by the good folks at (I'm not sure who manufactured the DVR that was provided by our cable company, and I am not too happy with our cable company so I am not going to mention their name, until they meet all (or at least the reasonable portion) of my demands) I can fast forward into the future and make sure the sailing is smooth all the way to work.  Ain't technology grand?

One morning the traffic report showed my car in a small accident, nothing too serious, just a wrinkled fender,
and probably a broken head light, so I took a different route.  I thought that was so smart.  Unfortunately it opened a tear in the time space continuum and an army of demons poured out and destroyed most of area between the Fifth Avenue curve, and the Leonard Ave. exit before Doctor Dawg and I managed to repel them and close the rift.

It was real drain on the city budget, and tied up most of the road repair budget for the next several years, and several city council members and community leaders were really upset.  There are things that need to be worked out, obviously.  All in all, though, I am a big fan of this high tech stuff.  You should get some.

Shopping Your Way to a Happy Retirement

Bargain shopping at outlet malls has many benefits.  There is the saving, of course, and often the variety is much more significant, with so many stores crammed into such a small space it is easy to compare brands with just a short stroll.  Exercise, though, is probably the greatest reward.

Walking from store to store, and back again is so healthy.  Throw in a few bags of clothes, or shoes, and soon there is a strength training component, as well (I hope my doctor is reading this, see I am getting some exercise, Dr. Critical).  Plus, you add a few steps walking around the families who stop to have a little reunion in the middle of the sidewalk.  All of the joy shared in the walkway, all of the laughter, all of the love, flowering right in the middle of that narrow avenue, it almost brings a tear to your eye.

Stalking the aisles of the women's clothing stores is where things get intense, though.  You need to be mobile in those places.  It is so much more difficult to hit a moving target.  Plus, you need to pay attention to your surroundings, there is danger everywhere.  It keeps the heart rate up there, the constant danger, and terror.

Occasionally you will need to stop to rest, and relieve the cramps that develop in the legs from the constant circling.  This is ok, but don't feel safe, not for a second.  I made that mistake, and was gazing at the spots on the carpet from the poor man that was foolish enough to rest too long.  Oh, they do a good job cleaning the remains of the poor soul, but if you look carefully enough you can find the reminders.  When I looked up, they were closing in, oh, they were pretending to look at the shirts, and shorts, and scarves, jewelry, blazers, all of the apparel women need to for one simple outfit.

But, I heard "oh, isn't this a fun tshirt, she will just love it," from a little too close, and with a little too much emphasis on "fun."   I looked up and saw them closing in on three sides, eyes blazing, hands reaching into purses for nail files, knitting needles, eyebrow tweezers, one of them a machete with several x's  burnt into the scarred, scratched blade.  Fortunately, for me anyway, they had sprung the ambush too soon, and I managed to dart out between the capri pants, in airy spring pastels, and the and the light sweaters, perfect for work or casual wear.

Exercise is so important, life is short enough the way it is, without letting sloth, and inactivity, or aggressive, hostile women shoppers end it prematurely.  And if your going to add a few years onto the end of your life, you will need some extra dollars, so the outlet mall is the place to go.  As long as you are careful.

Technology Marches Onward, And Inward.

Recently, Google Glasses went on sale.  People snapped them up.  Of course, there were some people whose vanity made them wait for the release of Google Contacts.  A very unique computational device guaranteed to increase productivity, allowing us to spend  more time developing close, lasting relationships with our families.  Not really, to heck with that, who wants to have a meaningful, thought provoking conversation with their loved ones when they can play Tetris by tapping themselves on the side of the head.  This is only the beginning, though.

Technology lovers are already putting a down payment on their Google Implants.  Tiny devices placed in the base of the skull, that respond to electronic signals from the cerebral cortex.  Beaming data through the ocular canal these microscopic devices generate a holographic image several feet in front of the user.   Of course, you will need to control what you are thinking, trials have led to embarrassing consequences.  One test subject lost his job when an image of his bosses head on the see, hear, speak no evil monkeys materialized in the center of the table during a routine meeting to discuss new "protocols restricting the posting of unauthorized signage, including the hanging of 'gonna get my drink on' signs above the coffee maker and water cooler."

Of course, the real excitement is for products still being developed.  Just wait until you try the new Google Epidermis, which will provide real time data to the user regarding temperature, wind speed and directions, and the availability of WiFi hot spots.  It will also react to the users condition, mood ring like, to indicate any number of variables, including emotional disposition, blood pressure, and serum cholesterol, eliminating the need for blood tests.  Plus, you will be able to watch movies and television shows on the palm of your hand.  It is not yet approved for use in "water situations."  Poor Steve found that out the hard way during his beta test, the services are scheduled for next Tuesday.  He is a brilliant shade of turquoise, absolutely brilliant.

What is generating the real excitement however, is Google Internal Organs.  We are not allowed to say too much about this project, but you will never have to say "I'm hungry, but I don't know what I want," again.  Now you will know exactly what you want, where to find it, and the best mode of transportation.  With future updates you will know the nutritional value in comparison to the caloric intake, and which members of your Google + circles enjoy similar foods, and which are hungry now, so you won't have to eat alone.

Don't forget to tune in tomorrow for the next installment of "Wow, where can I get one?"  when we review smart phone apps to summon the dead, is it a good idea?

Marketing, For The Television Generation.

As one of the leading Explainers of Life we, here at Life Explained, feel it is very important to keep our fingers on the pulse of the world, keep up with the ebb and flow of the universe, (at least this small part of the universe, most of it is too far away).  We have found it vital to immerse ourselves in popular culture, and absorb all of the nuance, and subtlety of the vast, expanding world of modern humanity.

One obvious place to start is television in general, reality television in particular.  So, we looked, up and down the immeasurable, unending selection of channels.  We watched hours and hours of programming, shows about everything from places where people drink, to the tense, neurotic world of child pageants, shows about sales, and auctions, and building and selling, improving and selling, and buying and selling.  But, we could find nothing that remotely resembled reality.  It is a riddle, and one we intend to explain, sometime, soon.

What we did find, though, was commercials, hours and hours of advertisements, wonderful little programs, focused and fixed, often with humor, sometimes with brutally factual, terrifyingly explicit information.  It was the gamut of human experience wrapped up in thirty to sixty shows, often with a soundtrack, and it was great.  We loved it.

Of course, they were a little too narrow in scope, and sometimes the information presented was rushed, and pressed until it held little meaning.  Sometimes, these little programs ended long before the climax, and with little regard for the feelings of the viewers.

There is a series of commercials for a medicine taken by people with a higher risk of stroke due to a certain type of irregular heart beat not caused by a heart valve problem, (which is very specific, you see what we mean), and these people, after switching medicine are, for the most part, off to fascinating lives, and interesting vacations.  One couple goes camping, traveling to beautiful, scenic locations, but that is all we ever find out.  Another couple flies to New Zealand (where they filmed the Lord of the Rings movies) and frolics in the surf, and has, we can only assume, the vacation of a lifetime.

But, here it stops, and we are left yearning for more.  What became of our new friends in wild, untamed New Zealand?  Did they make it back OK?  We need more, there are stories untold.  And in these stories are marketing gold mines.

"This campground is getting a bad review!"

Imagine the excitement if the campers were besieged by armed bandits.  Think of the drama provided by these desperate men, recently escaped from a prison that, as an added security precaution, travels through time, and had been created to hold the most bloodthirsty criminals from the past, present and future, surrounding this small, frail shell in the vast, lonely desert.  Now, picture this man, slightly aging and retired but invigorated by the freedom provided by this miracle of modern pharmaceutical wizardry battling his way through enemy lines using barbecue tools that were designed to fold neatly and store conveniently in the small spaces afforded by a travel trailer.

Guys would be lining up to get their hands on those pills!  And the beauty of it is on some weeks adventures we could have the drama caused by the potential side effects.  Poor, Pete, barely retired, just starting to enjoy the liberty of alarm clock free living, cut down, laid low by (fill in your favorite distasteful side effect here).  Oh, the tragedy, and sadness, so young, and gone.  It would be prime time, and advertisers would be lining up to by time.  Not to mention the educational value of seeing the medicine in action, good and bad, first hand.

Marketing, and commercials could provide so much, but they fall so short.  We would be willing to help fix this, for a nominal fee.

Reasons, by the number.

Sometimes life is very strange, taking unexpected turns often leaving you in difficult situations.  With little warning, short of breath, and cash you are forced to scramble through whatever swampy situation hoping to get out alive. Nobody gets out unscarred, you accepted that long ago. "We're all boxed in, nowhere to escape."*  Sometimes, it seems a lot of bother with no visible pay out.

So, we live, and then we stop.  And in between there is a lot of commotion, and change, and a lot of what can seem to be pointless struggles against toxic cruel adversity and endless overwhelming responsibility.   But, is it all worth it?  Yes, and you need to find your reasons, a list of good things, things that make the battle worth fighting.  Things that make life as a human, on Earth enjoyable. Things that make the Grim Reaper grim.

Here is my list for the day.

1. Donuts,
2. Pizza,
3. Coffee, (man that stuff is so good),
4. Bob Dylan music, (that should be higher, but the hunger is strong in this one, Emperor),
5. Three day weekends (coincidentally, there is one coming for a certain happy blogger this week),
6. New glasses, and they look good,
7. My car, it is the best one I have ever owned.
8. Kentucky Bourbon, (if it isn't from Kentucky it's just whiskey),
9. Smart phones, you can do almost anything with them,
10. The NCAA basketball tournament, the best sporting event of all time, especially when your team wins,
11. My friend, Doctor Dawg, he may be a nuisance but we are tight,
12. My wife, she is "too bright a light for anybodies eyes"**, she would be #1 if she ever read my blog,***
13. Prime numbers, everybody knows they are lucky, so we end on 13,

Take that, pale rider.  When you come for me, don't expect me to go quietly, I have a lot of things
going on, and you will just have to wait, so take a number, have a seat, relax, get comfortable, it is going to be a while, because in the immortal words of Bob Dylan;

"pick up your money, pack your tent,  you ain't a goin' nowhere."

Everybody has to make their own list of course, and it should be monitored and updated with the changes in situations, feel free to use any of my reasons they are universal, except for 11, Doctor Dawg is kind of possessive and 12, though, she probably doesn't read your blog either, but she is wonderful.


* Bob Dylan
**  More Bob Dylan.
*** I would have added my sons, they are the best thing I have ever had a part in, but it was a little unwieldy.

Age, discovery, and what time is the next bingo tournament.

Recently, I have decided to join most of modern society in the present.  These things are more difficult for a man aging so gracelessly, and trying to act as though he were not clinging desperately to the last shreds of dignity.  You know, that is the worst part of getting older, the gradual failure of things, the slow, inexorable descent into decrepit, atrophied worthlessness.  I can live with the aches, and the grey, and the wrinkles, even facing my own mortality doesn't bother me that much, hey I had a good time.  I have a wife I adore, sons who are strong, fine young men, making me proud every day, and have lived longer than anyone would have expected given the excesses of my youth.  If people my age had one prayer for the rest of their life it would probably be something along the lines of "please God, don't make me rely on the kindness of strangers in my golden years."  That is not what we are here to talk about, though, (we will cover that more in depth in the coming blog post, "I have to do what?  I am going to get a new doctor!") we are here to discuss discovery.

I have discovered that the Columbus Metropolitan Library has an EBook program, and you can download a free reader for your iPad, and borrow "books" from the comfort of your home, or your office, or your warehouse, or where ever you have a decent WiFi connection.  And reading on a tablet is much more satisfying than I had imagined.

Further, I have discovered that iTunes Radio will find you some pretty cool stuff.  I based a station on Omar and the Howlers an electric Texas blues band with one of the coolest names I have ever heard, and while listening to that station I discovered "Mercury Blues" performed by David Lindley.  "Mercury Blues" was written in 1949, and is such a cool song that almost anybody who sings it sounds pretty darned good, and, a lot of people sang that song over the years.  But, I like the David Lindley version the best.

This song, by this guy is so cool 

I liked it so much I bought it.

My friend, John, who knows about these things, told me that David Lindley made his name playing inexpensive guitars, and absolutely shredding on them, 

It has been a week of learning, and discovery.  I am exhausted, and can't wait for the weekend.

Fitness, for the aging, and the unfit.

Of course we can never be too safe, there are problems and potential disasters everywhere.  Nobody will live forever, probably, though Doctor Dawg is working on some stuff right now that might...  I shouldn't say anything else.  Every day can be a struggle, with the forces of evil (in the form of old age, senility, heart disease, and who knows what else) closing in fast.  We need to stay active, keep our strength up, and present a moving target for all that life is going to throw our way.  There are several options for the recently not so young anymore.  Today we will discuss several.

You could take a dance class, some high intensity hip hop thing with weighted gloves, and loud music, and poor ventilation.  These are offered in many places and the cost is normally quite affordable.  Of course, the music is not really for older folk, like us.  So, you will need to be open minded.  And there are going to be many people who don't wiggle, shake and shimmy like a flesh colored wave experiment with each bounce and jump and lunge.  So you will need to be self confident.  And, you will probably need to bring your own oxygen, most of these kids at these things can still breathe after what will be the most awful, torturous, terrible forty five minutes of your life.  As you lay there steeping in a puddle of your own sweat, barely able to move, and trying to gasp out "hey, can I borrow a smoke, or a defibrillator, I don't care which?" they will step casually over your prone, limp, almost lifeless body, talking about how excited they are to get to spin class.  You will be too tired and your arms to stiff and sore to even trip one of the smug, arrogant punks.  But, those are not for everybody.

Martial Arts is another fine option.  Learning self defense and discipline while toning and slimming.  Dreams of Walking Tall, Billy Jack, and Enter the Dragon dancing through your head you sign up and write your check.  Things go great, until the first shoulder separation, ouch, "sorry, but could you cut up my baked, boneless, skinless chicken?  My arm is so sore."  And then the broken toes, and at such an advanced age they are debilitating.  Sprained ankles, deep tissue bruises, and a cracked rib, soon you need a walker, and not the cool Star Wars kind, the lame, old people version.  "I am taking my lawyer to class next week, I will show them self defense!"  Maybe you should look into something else.

I started walking during my lunch break.  So far there have been no incidents, but I will keep you posted.  Of course if I walk past too many bakeries it may not be all that slimming.  Here are the maps of my first two days, complete with pictures.  Today, I am heading south, and a little east, I hear there is a place over there that makes cupcakes that are so good grown men weep, openly, and fall to their knees in rapture.  That is a good cupcake.

Entrepreneurship at it's finest.

Sometimes you see things that are so unique, so ingenious, so revolutionary that you feel like screaming to the world, "hey, take a look at this!"  Not very often, of course.  If you saw something that unique everyday soon it would not be so unique anymore and would become pedestrian, and everyday.  There is a line that unique things should not cross if they want to be noticed, and talked about.  So, here is a good rule of thumb, only see truly unique things once a week, and try to schedule them on Tuesday or Thursday, those are what we call the "Days desperately in need of help."  Sure, sometimes you can squeeze something unique in on Tuesday, and Thursday, but don't do it too often, or they will start to suffer...  But, that is another blog post (note to self; blog post about scheduling spontaneous occurrences,what is the optimal frequency?).

Anyhoo, the other night I was driving home, I think it was Thursday, and saw this truck in a couple of lanes over.  And it struck me, this was the perfect "business model."  The redistribution of commodities and resources.  These people cared little for your predicament, a paucity of dirt, or an abundance, they were there to help.

People in the city don't really understand dirt.  Even in a moderately sized city like Columbus, OH dirt is not really common.  The suburbs dirt are not really any different, dirt is just not very well understood. You might walk past somebody planting a garden, and ask "hey, is that dirt?"

"Why, yes, it is the finest dirt, mined deep in the rain forest of Central Asia, and on Sale at Bob's Nursery only $25.99 for a 10 pound bag."

But, my family fought the hard scrabble life of farmers in the Heartland, so I know from whence I speak regarding dirt.  And this guy has the right idea!

I rushed home, grabbed my shovel, walked all around my house, and unfortunately I had no extra dirt, and even more troubling, had no need for any.  I had the optimal amount of dirt, I was "dirt neutral."  And to make matters worse it didn't need moved around, my dirt was all in the appropriate place.  It made me very sad to call the good people at 614-555-dirt, and tell them I had no dirt needs whatsoever.  They sounded very positive, and upbeat, but I think it was a facade, smiling through the tears, sort of thing.

Now is the spring time of our discontent.

Made glorious summer by this sun of diamonds.  Sorry, Shakespeare was always distant, and barely accessible to my meager intellect.  To clarify, now basketball season is over, and we are in the sports void of summer.  There are plenty of people who love baseball, soccer, and golf, and I drink to their health, but I am not one of them.  I am sure they will enjoy all of the games, tournaments, and Viagra and testosterone commercials.  Come on, enough is probably too much, I am not a prude, but televised sports becomes a non-stop parade of innuendo and suggestion.  "Viagra, the official medicine of television."

To recap the season, and tournament, early in the season my favorite teams lost some games, and I was sad, then they won some games and I was happy.  Then the tournament came, and my team (the Cornhuskers) lost in the first round, so I went to my backup team (the Louisville Cardinals) and they lost in the regional quarterfinals.  Quickly, I chose a team to root for (Iowa State), and they lost.  I jumped on the Dayton Flyer bandwagon right before it crashed, and burned, and left me in the lurch.  Go Badgers, Wisconsin was an easy choice, they are red and white, and I have a lot of red shirts, so here we go, all the way to the promise land.  But, they got beat.

Since, I am a long time Louisville fan I could not root for Kentucky, it is anathema to us Cardinals, so I chose U Conn (even though they don't wear red), and they won, and we celebrated, and it was great.  What a great season, my team (sort of) won it all.

I knew they could do it!

And with that, we end this years edition of Basketball Explained, and we move onto mowing and raking and gardening and working long hours for free explained.

Monday, Cursed Monday.

Today is the first step in our long journey down the hazardous path known as the work week.  It is filled with peril, and fraught with difficulty, and in the terrifyingly appropriate words of Bob Dylan

"Every step of the way we walk the line
Your days are numbered, so are mine
Time is pilin' up we struggle and we scrape
We're all boxed in, nowhere to escape"

Plainly, trouble waits around every corner, and the best thing we can hope for is to live until Friday, scarred, frightened, barely alive, crawling toward a painfully toward the glorious weekend.  It ain't much, but we, here at Life Explained, call 'em like we see 'em, and if we don't see 'em we make 'em up (thank you, George Carlin).

With this joyous news firmly in mind we can "hunker down," "gird up our loins," "dig in deep," and "saddle up and ride."  To make your week easier, we thought it might be convenient to have an itinerary for this trek, a guide to this weeks Life Explained, kind of like a written life preserver for your sanity, what little is left.

Monday - well, this is about it, what did you expect for a Monday?

Tuesday - a whiny, complaining recap of this years NCAA tournament, and all of the awful officiating, that cost all of my choices to lose, or joyous celebration of the NCAA tournament recounting how my teams got beat, but are so young, and have such good recruiting classes that the future is filled with immeasurable possibilities.  It depends on who wins tonight.  We are not going to mention who we are rooting for, but it is not Kentucky.\

Wednesday - we will post a short story written a while ago, and are not sure what to do with.  It is a western, with a happy ending, and a quote from Midnight Oil.  Their first album was pretty intense, and went well with beer and angst.  We hope that doesn't ruin it for you.

Thursday - we are going to cover how GM, Chrysler and Ford have trained spiders to infiltrate the fuel systems of Mazda and cause the gas tanks to rupture.  Plus, we suspect these are illegal immigrant, third world spiders, taking all of the good jobs from American spiders.  But they work cheap, so domestic automobile manufacturers are saving money any way they can, which is not all bad.

Friday - We will apologize since we will probably forget to do any of these things.  But, it is kind of difficult to be too angry on Friday, right?

A new honor, a very honorable honor.

This morning I was watching CBS Sunday Morning, it is a great show, not too heavy, some news, some entertainment, some commentary, a good way to start Sunday.  Following Sunday Morning is Face The Nation, a very topical show, dealing with politics, politicians and very important things.  Normally, I only watch this show during presidential campaigns, because it can make presidential politics extremely entertaining.  But, it is not really the show we want to discuss.

There was a commercial for Face The Nation, advertising it as the "#1 Sunday Public Affairs Show." Probably a well deserved honor, it is the only Sunday Public Affairs show I remember watching.  But, it is kind of a narrow definition.  However, you can't blame them, an award is an award.

With that in mind, though it humbles us, we here at Life Explained, are humbly honored to accept this fantastic honor.

We are not worthy, well maybe a little.

It could be worse, but I don't know how.

In a very disturbing, fast breaking development, it has come to my attention there has been a remarkable lack of spider related news on the blog recently.  Certainly not because spiders have not been going out of the way to cause problems.  They are popping up everywhere, scaring the living bejesus out of people, and causing problems from the UK to the Outback.  Well, it might not actually be in the "Outback" proper, but it is in Australia, which is where they Outback is.

Recently, according to the Gympie Times, in Gympie Australia, (located where Mary Valley Road merges with Bruce Highway) redback spiders are becoming so numerous, they "are becoming a nuisance." See for your self.

A Queensland Health spokesman said in 2013 there were 83 snake and spider bites reported to local emergency departments, 42 of those were snake bites, and 41 were spider bites.  By contrast in 2012 there were 32 snake bites and 34 spider bites.

Obviously, the spiders are unhappy about losing the lead in the crucial "reported bites" score over the course of a year.  It is only natural they are seeking a competitive advantage.  But, it may be more than that.

Robert Raven claims that redback spiders can eat anything from a "mouse up to a snake."   To recap, these spiders eat snakes.  I don't know about you, but that to me is a very disturbing bit of knowledge.  The only thing worse is if they started carrying guns.

In essence, these spiders are not just going to be content with recording more bites, they have taken the latest setback personally and are out for revenge.  Which may spell big trouble for Australian snakes, and everybody else.

One Last Time, Probably.

I am not a rabid sports fan, for a wide variety of reasons.  It is not dreamy idealism, not a stand against the corruption that may be rampant.  Nor is it a vengeful stand against the dangers inherent in competition, though both have merit.  It is just a view based on experience, and hey it is my blog, after all.

I can make it all the way through baseball season without ever thinking about standings, pennant races, public scratching, or spitting.  I find the average baseball game lasts too long, and most of that time has little real drama, or action.  Sometimes I like to watch a baseball game on television, just to listen to the announcers fill the time between pitches with a constant stream of statistical trivia, the colorful memories of past performances, and the hopes for potential greatness.  In many ways, to me, it has to be one of the most difficult jobs in sports broadcasting.  Being the play by play announcer for a baseball game requires more research than a law degree, and more flexible, associative reasoning than quantum physics.  It is almost like a machine, a perpetual motion construct, taking long minutes of routine and trying to make it sound noteworthy.  But, I am not even sure who won the World Series last year, and don't really care.

I used to like professional basketball, but at some point I came to the realization that they are not promoting a game, as much as a series of players.  They always need a larger than life personality, someone who can sell jerseys, shoes, cell phones, posters, and he needs to have the unique ability to polarize people.  It seems to be a lot more about the players, and less about the competition.  This is not really a criticism, they have a right to make the league as popular and profitable as it can possibly be, in fact that is their prime responsibility.  But, it does not interest me.

And the NFL has always seemed too corporate, and packaged to be a sport.  Microsoft vs Apple vs Google, and occasionally Samsung or Hewitt Packard will come through and grab that last wild card spot.  Or Coke vs Pepsi.  But, it is really hard for me to care, I find presidential debates more compelling.  The smart money is on Coke and Apple, by the way, at least my money.  Considering how well I did in every bracket I filled out this year my money, and the person carrying it, may not be all that bright.

So, I have to squeeze every last ounce of enjoyment possible (and another blog post or two) out of the Final Four, which will be a little difficult since all of the teams I really like are watching it, too.  Which, I guess, is kind of cool, I will be watching the Final Four with Tim Miles, and Rick Pitino, and Bill Self, and their teams, I better get some more chips, and drinks, and better chips, and drinks.

But, it is time to start looking forward to next season, (college football, and basketball), when once again my teams will provide fresh hope and dreams, and all will be new, and wonderful.  Of course, the new conference alignments are going to provide some intrigue.  The Big Ten is adding some new teams, and realigning the divisions, and I don't really have a handle on all of that.  So, I will have to learn to say Go Big Ten Western Division, (or whatever they call it), I hope the Cornhuskers win all of the games against all of the opponents, whoever they are.  I will elaborate on that as soon as I can figure it out.

And Louisville, which left the Big East after last season is leaving the American Athletic Conference after this season, and joining the Atlantic Coast Conference, and that will make for interesting matchups, where they will meet, once again, the Syracuse Orange, and some other teams from that left the Big East, but that bit of knowledge escapes me for the moment.  And, I need to apologize, in advance, to Christy Barongan who writes a very powerful and compelling blog http://normalintraining.blogspot.com/ (a blog I read faithfully, it is well written, insightful, and enlightening, you should check it out) and is a Virginia Cavalier fan.  So, please accept my apologies, and go Cards.

I intend to write one more post predicting the winner of Monday nights Championship game, but am so busy it will probably have to wait until Tuesday.

Sometimes you need to look out there to learn about here.

Humans are a very inquisitive bunch, with an unquenchable thirst for understanding.  Looking around, at each other, and then in the mirror, and then at each other, we begin to understand, "Wow, this kind of bad."  We know we are imperfect, and filled with terrible urges, and uncontrollable, boundless, blind ambition.  We understand that this is a sad way to exist, constantly bickering, and scheming, building ever more sophisticated weaponry to make sure we are the "last man standing" (my apologies to any women who are in the process of planning something destructive).

So, we spend billions trying to nurture understanding between all of the divergent peoples of the world.  Slaving, and scrapping, and laboring to foster a peaceful, loving environment covering the entire planet so everyone can feel accepted, regardless of difference.  A glorious heaven of love and harmony and care.

No, not really.  That would be almost impossible, if you've ever worked with two Ukrainian immigrants, two people who have moved from the same country, to the same city, two people who belong to the same religion, two people who have faced so many similar hardships and have so much in common, and used to be such good friends. Two people who have decided they were no longer going to speak to each other, no matter what, and years later will still not use the elevator at the same time, you would know this is a fools errand.  You would be better off trying to control the weather, which is not a bad idea.

What we have done is start scouring the skies for races of beings with whom we might find something in common.  And it is not easy, or cheap.  

In the elevated deserts of Chile is a large millimeter array that cost 1.5 billion dollars, and is located in the Atacama Desert, also known as the driest place on Earth.  It is cold, the oxygen is thin, and it is a long way from everywhere.  So, it took a lot of work to get all of the equipment up there.  But, we if you want to find stuff in space this is a good place to do it.

For the most part we, here at Life Explained, fully support space exploration, and are currently attempting to fund our Colonize Mars Road Trip (send us a note if you have a little extra change on the desk and would like to kick in) but we are not sure advertising our presence and inviting other life forms here is such a good idea.  We should point out that we are not sure they are looking for "people" out there, and will research that a bit further, after we finish other important stuff.  We are fairly comfortable saying they are not looking for a "Pizza Ranch" or else they just could have just looked here.

What if we do find an Alien Civilization, and they are as bellicose and obstinate as us?  Or worse, really boring.  Do we ask them to leave?  Doesn't that seem kind of rude, maybe it isn't them, maybe it is us.  Maybe we can't get along with anybody.  

"Yes, we know we invited you, and yes we understand it is a long way to your home, but, well, we have to work tomorrow, and it is getting late, and all of the wine is gone, and we are just very tired.  Maybe we should just call it a night."

"We will destroy your planet, puny humans, scattering the debris across the endless, cold expanses of space."  We have taken the liberty of translating from Alien so you don't have to.

Should we let them spend the night on the moon, what if they break it, then what?  It is the only one we have, and it would cost a lot to repair, and would be almost impossible to replace.  Of course, we have heard that Jupiter has 63 moons, and could probably spare one.  Who needs that many moons, anyway?  Kind of showy if you ask us.  "Oh look at me, I have 63 confirmed moons, and you only have one, and then you let the aliens break it.  You are never going to have anything nice with that sort of..."  Sorry about that, we just get a little defensive when the other planets in the solar system look down on us, you should hear Saturn going on and on and on about those stupid rings, like anybody wants, or even cares about... Oops.

Anyway, looking into the distant reaches of space is a great idea, who knows what is out there, and what we can learn.  And since it is a collaboration between Europe, East Asia, and America maybe we can learn something about working together and make life here a little better, too.  Always a good investment.

  

Wow, how did you do that?

Anybody who takes the time to look around, pay attention, understand, and acknowledge the mysteries and vagaries of life knows there is something not quite right.  Something a little bit unusual, something just a little strange, not completely bad, but not really good either.  There are obviously larger forces at work, surrounding us, manipulating things, making sure there is always something just a bit odd, almost everyday. After a while we learn to ignore the bizarre things, and pretend they are OK.

Our main purpose in starting this blog, and Explaining Life was to shine a light in the dark corners, unravel the great puzzle, reveal the hidden, explain the inexplicable.  So far we have not done very well.  Some of this stuff is pretty danged complicated, you know.  And everywhere we look there are spiders, and invasive species of fish, and snails, and snakes, and we need to caution people about those problems, too.

But, it seems we have strayed, and last night, at the Share Holders meeting, we heard, at great length, about our failures.  We were told about our need to offer reassurance, in dark, troubled times to the frightened masses, hiding underneath their desks, coffee cup, and flashlight in hand.  People who are afraid to step into the light, because it might signal an approaching space ship, filled with angry aliens, desperate for a new home (Earth) with a tasty, abundant food supply (us).   People who are worried that there might be a "face sized spider" (not for the squeamish, or anybody with a face) under the desk, right behind that awful drawer, that always caught on their pants, and was hard to open, and really served no purpose except for tearing fabric, and the concealment of large, predatory spiders!  Probably better to climb out and face the rapidly approaching, ravenous aliens.  Not that we would know anything about that.

Anyway, to help Explain Life we have begun work on a time travel machine.  It was not as difficult as you might think.  We found a place where the space time continuum was stretched a little thinner than normal, The Pukwana Triangle, in central South Dakota (home to the PukU bar and grill, if you are passing by stop in, have a beer, and say hello).  Then took some riding lawn mowers, removed the blades, and beefed up the engines.  When the atmospheric conditions were just right we sent them zipping around in a circle until they reached escape velocity, and bam they were gone.  Here is the video.

We are going to file a full report, as soon as we find out where they went, and what they are doing.  We think they ended up in the future, around 2035, somewhere around Sao Paulo.  As long as they are there we hope they do a little research the effects climate change has on the Brazilian Wandering Spider, (without bringing one back, of course) they are awful things.  Though, they could be anywhere, "anytime."  Hey time travel is tricky stuff, but we think you are worth the effort, and so are the shareholders, and the board of directors, and the person who signs our paychecks, especially them.

Who are you calling a fool? Me, oh, ok.

April Fool's Day, at long last.  A time to celebrate the fool in all of us.  Some people are blessed with a little extra foolishness, an irresponsible overdrive switch that takes them into outside the norm.  Today is the day to thank them.  Without them, the world would be a much sadder place.

So if you know a fool, or are married to a fool, and here I am talking to my wife, take this opportunity to show your appreciation with a nice gift.  And to make that easier here is a list.


A very nice stylus.

A very nice pocket knife

A very nice bourbon

Anyway, you get the idea.

If you are not my wife, and you know a person who is a little odd, maybe with a few quirks, with a few strange habits, and phobias, a person who is a little unusual, walk up, pat them on the back, and say "have a good day, you've earned it."

Remember, there is a little fool in all of us, it is all a matter of degree and control.

Oh The Joys of Spring, and Tax Preparation.

Tax season is here, and we here at Life Explained want you to get every cent you can.  So, we are offering our Tax Preparedness Preparation Course, free of charge.  We know you work hard for your money...  OK, we know you work for your money...  Alright, we know you get money on a schedule for your unique ability to not make things worse, too much, and you want to keep all of the money you can.  Let some other sucker pay for Congress, and the National Parks, you need your money.  With that in mind here are some "Non-Standard" deductions that many alleged tax return preparation professionals will miss.

1.) Don't forget to claim your beer expenses.  It is a medical necessity, an antidote to stress, and the trials of everyday life.  If your doctor will not endorse the necessary forms that is fine, we have a staff of doctors in house who will gladly write the "beer prescription" for you.

2.) Those late night trips to the Taco Hut, and Burger Heaven are charitable donations.  How else are these businesses going to stay open until 2:00 in the morning without some brave, kind soul rushing in to order the Belt Busting Behemoth Burrito, with extra Sour Cream, or the Heapin' Helpin' O' Heaviness Burger, with Secret Cheese Like Sauce.  And, if they didn't stay open until 2:00 every morning, how would the dedicated professionals manning the register, grill and drive through window replace that income.  You are almost a hero.

3.) A lot of people overlook the clothing deduction.  You need clothes to work, and they can be expensive.  Just try showing up for work in your pajamas, or your swimsuit, and soon the legitimacy of the clothing deduction becomes obvious.  And, as far as the IRS is concerned swim wear, and pajamas, are clothes.

Tune in tomorrow when we discuss the best tax sheltered retirement accounts that you can start with the change from your couch.

Don't fret tax season, we are here to help, it is not a difficult process, one even we can understand.  And, in the unlikely case you are audited, we have daily flights to many countries that don't extradite.  With an inflight refreshments, including a small, small drink, and free peanuts, at least 10 but not more than 15.