Check it out.

Please, check out my latest post on Find.com.  Find.Com, a great place.  Find.com is a wonderful sight, with a lot of great ideas for gifts, and with Christmas coming fast (trust me, I work for a place that distributes all sorts of gift items, and I can tell you without doubt that businesses are stocking up for Christmas now) there is no better time to start looking than right now.  And, there is no better place to start looking than Find.com.  So, do yourself a favor and head on over, and check out the great selection of cool things.  You won't be sorry.  Neither will the people on your gift list.

My post was about a little device that helped me overcome my aversion to exercise, a wonderful, inexpensive, sort of, invention that is absolutely fantastic.  A Know Ped, by Go Ped.  It is so much fun, so easy to use, and so innovative.  Depending on where you live you will probably be the first one around to spin the wheels of one of these bad boys.  Check it out here. A Long Clean Ride.  It won't take you to the end of the world, but it will make you smile a little more, and feel a little better, and that is a pretty nice destination.  And if I see you riding one around I will buy you a coffee, or a tea, if you prefer.

Sports, A Gilded Cage, Or A Damp Dungeon.

Hope is a dish best served cold, with a side of cheese, and a few crackers, occasionally you should toss in some prosciutto, and a healthy dose of anticipation.  Of course, it also goes well with a few cold beers, some chips, a little salsa, maybe some melted cheese and a dash of delusional dreaming.  You might as well crack open a couple of soft drinks, and throw in some pizza, because the season is really heating up, or hasn't started yet, or is just finishing, and hope is moving in for a while.

 Hope is always present when watching sports, it hangs around, feeding you dreams of glory, (for the participants, the athletes who have trained, and worked, and studied, and given so much) dreams of success beyond measure. For you it provides the opportunity to marvel at someones else's talent and accomplishments.

And, if a team is so talented, and lucky you can slap high fives until your wrist is sprained and scream in joy so often your vocal cords have nodules, and you are permanently hoarse, then you will have the right to brag about how you have rooted for a team that won some sort of prestigious honor.  Ah, hope you are a true friend.

But, where goes hope, so goes despair. Despair is a dish best served cold, with a few belts of Kentucky Bourbon, or Mexican Tequila, nothing sweet, or nutritious, tepid, flat beer, and lukewarm coffee, maybe a sandwich of stale bread and old, slightly rancid bologna.  And you are never more than a fumbled ball, errant pass, foolish, hurried shot, or momentary lapse on defense from the pits of desperation.  Sadness, and indifference, or anger, and disbelief, these are the companions of loss, these are hand maidens of defeat.

Fortunately, dawn is waiting, sort of, maybe the next game, maybe a new season, possibly the second half.  Whatever it is, there is hope, blossoming right in front of you, a fresh chance, that guy could really turn this thing around, there is hope, you can almost smell victory.  But, you can also feel the cold, uncomfortable icy sting of defeat, waiting, just out of sight, but always there.

In the beautifully haunting, tender, yet cruel words of Ray Davies;

"For those who are successful,
Be always on your guard,
Success walks hand in hand with failure,
Along Hollywood Boulevard."

Humanity is an odd bunch.  We throw so much of ourselves into things over which we have no control, throwing time, money, and affection at strangers we can never hope to meet.  We feel such joy, and sadness over things that are beyond our control.  We have 24 hour, 7 days a week coverage of teams that only play once a week, and we still can't get enough.  We have fantasy teams, coverage of recruiting, bracketologists, draft experts, websites, talk radio, non stop, never ending sports, and it is still not enough.

All of which leads me to one conclusion, I can't wait until the game tomorrow.  And basketball season is almost here.  It will be awesome, sometimes.

Vanity, It Looks Good On You.

As many of you know, I am not a very good driver.  Normally I have a lot of things running through my mind. Many important things, that are consuming a lot computational cycles.  Plus, there is always the terrible decision of which song to listen to next, and a little light hearted banter with Siri.  Also, there are infinite distractions.  All over the route to and from work, there are diversions, and eye catching side shows, and fantastic scenes begging to be noticed.

Lately there have been an unusual number of vanity plates.  Each one deserves a little attention.  That is the whole purpose behind having a little something extra put on your license plate, it is asking to be noticed.

Plate Enhanced Through Top Secret Technology.

Of course it is difficult to take a decent picture while driving 65 miles an hour, and dodging all of the crazy people out there.  Honestly, the roads are filled with crazy people, weaving in and out of traffic, talking on the phone, and being a potential hazard.  It is amazing that I have lived this long.  Anyway, I saw this vanity plate, and it reminded me of the big showdown this weekend with +Mike Raven.  Over at the Tea drinkers r' us.And, I thought it was kind of a sign, maybe drinking tea was ok.

But then this happened, and I changed my mind.  I think I will stick to coffee.  Care for a spot of tea, anyone?

Hey, can you help a dog in need?

This is my friend, the dog, at work.  As is obvious from this picture he is a good looking dog, and pretty darned smart, too.  He is also very friendly, and is really just a lot of fun to be around, a good friend, indeed.  But, he lacks basic verbal skills that are crucial to successful understanding, he can't talk.  And sometimes he looks at me, with those expressive, intelligent eyes, and I can't help but wonder what he is thinking.  

Now, through the miracle of the, patent pending, Life Explained Dog Thought Visualization DeviceÔ we can see what is on his mind.  As you can see, he is thinking of a nice, foamy delicious latte, with a wolf pattern.  What a delicious, delightful, way to start your day. 

Of course, we are all thinking a little more about coffee these days, knowing that +Mike Raven from the The Blog of Thog! is amassing an army of tea drinkers, a mob of tea drinkers, (I am not sure whether a large, potentially violent group of tea drinkers would be an army, a mob, a swarm, a pack or a gang, any advice here would be greatly appreciated, thank you), and they are bent on world domination.  And somebody needs to take a stand.  

It is time for everybody to take a stand.  So rush over here and voteVote early, vote often, and come up with a compelling reason why your drink of choice should be chosen by everyone, everywhere, all the time.  Use the hashtag #HOTDRINKDAY, even if you want something cold, and refreshing, we are not fussy.

Remember, it is your duty.

Monday, It Stands Humble Before Me.

This morning I overslept, not tragically, but enough that things were in a little bit of a bind, a little stressed, there was an undercurrent of anger thrumming through our normally peaceful morning.  No worries, a cool, calm demeanor, a little charm, a couple of well timed jokes, and everything was running like a well tuned machine.  In short, I was as cool as could be, in the immortal words of Jerry Garcia, "check my pulse, it don't change, stays 72 come shine or rain."*  As usual, everyone in the family was in awe of the self assured, calm, cool father figure in the eye of the storm.

Of course, the drive to work was touch and go, there was an accident on a freeway ramp to downtown on the north side of the city.  This has the fallout effect of sending additional commuters (interlopers) on the freeway from the north east corner of town, my route.  It is a sad reality of life, when there is a multiple car accident, cars strewn across the highway, and the first thought in most cases is "Oh man, this is going to ruin my drive to work."

No problem, though, there is enough road for everybody, almost.  And things were going smoothly, in the fast lane, cruising.  A car changed lanes, right in front of me!  No worries, it is a Volkswagon, a car from the land of the lawless Autobahn, the wild west of driving experiences, you know this guy is going to keep pace, he is going to move.  Nope, he putts along in painful observance of the posted speed limit.  Oh well, I still got to work.

But, it made me think we stereotype cars, too much.  Like the American automaker whose name sounds similar to Blue Ink.  For the sake of this post let's just call the car BlueInk.  During the commercials for BlueInk, actors are confused by the fact other actors are driving a BlueInk, because the car looks nothing like a BlueInk.  "I don't see a BlueInk," they will say, with dismay.  It is in many ways a risky gambit, in essence saying "buy one of our cars, they aren't ugly anymore."  Of course, they still look like BlueInk cars to me, but I am not a car guy, and can only recognize brands by the loge, stuck right on the front.

To end this rambling, incoherent post here is a picture of delicious, wonderful, delightful coffee.  It is too bad you can't smell the aroma through your monitor, it like a gift from Heaven.  Don't forget that next Sunday is the ultimate tea vs coffee showdown.  You should post, tweet, videotape or whatever it is that you call adding things to Facebook, using the hashtag #HOTDRINKDAY.

This is too important to leave in the hands of world leaders, who are generally making a mess of things (more on this later, maybe, if I can't think of anything more pleasant to write about).  And don't forget to vote, at Choose Coffee, all of the other choices are jokes and will send a small electrical current through your keyboard, not enough to kill you, probably.   And you can thank +Mike Raven at the The Blog of the Thog for that.   It might lead to international tension, and increased hostility, and you can have a say in it, won't that be cool?



*In an effort to receive a Triple A Bond Rating from Standard and Poors (motto, we may be standard but we sure aren't poor) I am disclosing the following, "I don't know who wrote 'U.S. Blues,' but am confident, more or less that it was Jerry Garcia singing.

Tea vs Coffee, It Is Time To Choose!

At the risk of straining the relations of two countries whose history are so closely associated, two countries whose history is a rich tapestry of cooperation and friendship, a blissful stroll through the making of the modern world (I am ignoring the whole revolutionary bit, because it doesn't support my opening sentence) we are going to answer the question that has been torturing modern society. Which is better, coffee or tea?  The world will finally have an answer, maybe, the world will finally know peace, possibly.

Since this is only the latest in a long series of confrontations between Mr. Raven, at The Blog of Thog, and us, here at Life Explained, (all of which have been great fun, and provided valuable knowledge to a world filled with useless information, for proof of that you only need to watch this touching, thoughtful explanation of the delicate subtleties of football, as played around the world), Mike thought, in a startling flash of brilliance, that we should invite dissenting, or supporting decisions from around the world.

You can start by voting here.  then write a blog post, record a pod cast, tweet, produce a video, or send an email to everybody, everywhere, telling them about the debate, and your choice, stand on the top of a mountain and scream your love for your hot drink of choice, which doesn't technically have to be coffee, or tea, please use the hash tag #HOTDRINKDAY or have the person video taping you screaming your choice from the top of the mountain use the hast tag #HOTDRINKDAY, and link all of your hard work to these blogs.  Which go live next Sunday, November 2nd, 2014 at 3:00 PM in Hull, or 11:00 AM in Ohio.   That way Mike can more easily track coffees resounding triumph and treat the drink with the proper respect.

One vote for coffee.

Remember, it is your civic duty to vote, and post and film, comment, and involve family and friends, coworkers, distant, barely known associates, so everybody's choice is known, it is an awesome responsibility, a terrible burden, a horrendous, crushing weight we all need to bear to keep society safe, and we are counting on you.

The Life Explained Yacht Club.

It was dreary, and grey, and pretty miserable.  Even the rain did not want to be there, it fell from sky, and most of it managed to get away before landing in the middle such a bleak afternoon.  Of course, that left enough to cause an uncomfortable, damp, depressing experience for anyone unfortunate enough to be stuck in outside.

We were incredibly busy, overwhelmingly so, the work just came in unimpeded, wave after wave, requests, demands, needy, whining and more than a little irritating.  Bil and I were discussing various opportunities to increase our enjoyment of life.  Different ways to make a little coin, have a little fun, and live life to the fullest, cold drink in hand, feet up on the table, sunglasses, wide brimmed hats, and most important, comfortable shoes. Remember, we think shoes are important.

We decided the best way to handle this was to start a Yacht Club.  Since I am not fond of boats, or being on the water, or flying over the water, or really, flying at all, and you know, I am not too fond of spiders, bats, snakes, venomous... Oops, where was I?

Oh yeah, our yacht club.  It is going to be very exclusive, we have already turned down two people, they just weren't of the right character, or income level, and certainly not suitable for such an exclusive club.  You have to be careful about the type of people you let in to a club like this, (sorry, Mom).

This old, rundown building is the perfect disguise.

It is kind of humble right now, but we have added a few flourishes, and think it is coming along quite nicely.  If you are interested in joining, please let us know, at tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com.  But, don't get your hopes up.

Remember our motto "The Life Explained Yacht Club, not much of a sailor, but one ace of a drinker.

Of course, secrecy is important, so please don't tell anyone. And if you do tell them they aren't qualified, we have our standards after all.

Voting, a noble exercise in blind faith.

Personally, I love politics, hate voting, but love politics.  There is something primal, powerful, and primitive in a campaign for public office.  Watching the news in the morning is a stroll through the dirty laundry of any number of strangers.  You will be exposed to the most indecent things about a person, a person who thinks they should be in charge of a state, or it's treasury, or departments of justice.  And it will strike you, that, maybe even if these ads contain a small amount of truth, and they probably do, none of these candidates can be that awful.  Nobody would put themselves in a position to be publicly criticized so venomously unless they thought they could do something to help.

"So, why do you hate to vote so much, Tim?'  I'm glad you asked.

Voting a candidate into office is a long term commitment, 2, 4, 6 years, depending on the office.  And that seems like a lot of trust to put into a person based solely on his self proclaimed abilities.  Maybe, after all of the claims by both sides, all of the accusations, and all of the aggrandizement, the candidate is not evil, but not particularly special.    Maybe he is just an average guy, who as State Auditor is in over his head.

Now, though, he is in that job for... however long State Auditors serve, and in a way it is partly your fault, you voted for him.  How could you know?

That is more responsibility than I can handle.  When I vote for somebody, and they end up being mediocre, or even worse, slightly below average, I know people start to stare at me, and I can feel their disappointment. When I stop to fill my car with gas, I can feel their disapproving glance, at the grocery store, people look, and whisper, restaurants are filled with people who were counting on me, and I let them down.  It is too much to bear.

There is a very simple solution, though.  We should allow voting every day.  If your elected official does something less than savory, something that makes you cringe, you have a chance to let him know, a little microwave political justice.  It will be time to give someone else a shot.  Don't worry, if you like a politico, and he is voted out, just tune in tomorrow,

Better still, do we need all of those elected officials?  Maybe a couple of guys to open the mail, formulate bills, and submit them to us, we the people, to vote on.  Just think how cool that would be, having lobbyists call you, "hey Bob, we think you should vote yes on the Alaskan Salmon Cod Liver Oil Subsidies Bill, why don't we get together over a some 'Dunkin' Donuts' coffee, and a few of the  glazed to discuss the virtues of this particular piece of legislative artwork."

Think of the possibilities, corporations trying to win your favor.  You could have your own PAC!  Sure, it would not be super at first.  It would start out as a little pupal PAC, kind of a side kick PAC, but after a while, a few contributions later, it would grow, an apprentice PAC.  Before long you would be the proud custodian of a full fledged, bona fide Super PAC!  Powerful, rich and beyond the reach of campaign laws, and good intentions.

Maybe some day, but until then, I will vote, if I can handle the shame, or not vote, comfortable in the conviction that "choosing not to decide" maybe the best choice.  In either case the country will muddle along in the grip of partisan strife and misplaced party loyalties, feeding the loud, and extreme, while the rest us pay the ticket.  Not much will change, one way or the other, and that is probably good enough

The Secret to Their Success.

We all know who they are.  They are the ones with the big offices, the demitasses, the luxury sedans, they are the Chardonnay sippers, with 18 year old Scotch, and expensive, imported beer.  That’s right, the jerks, who run your life from the ivory towers, the suits that run the store.  People ask me all of the time, “Tim, how did they get there, what do they have that I don’t?”  Overlooking the expansive, Ivy League education, and the years of hard work and dedication, it can be summed up in two words, a proven method… wait, it can be summed up in three words, a proven method.  Friends, I am here to give you their method, so you too can be one of those jerks.

It is time someone stood up for the common man, someone took a stand for the insignificant, it is time someone stood up to be the voice of those who are not heard.  I am willing to be that someone.  If you follow these steps you will be eating your SpaghettiOs® from fine china in the executive lunchroom.

1.  Make a list.  All of these people are obsessive list makers, they write down things, they cross off things, they mark, they check, they highlight.  It is like an addiction with them.  Shortly after commandeering a staff meeting they will pull out a note pad, write down a few things, make a few notations, and then cross off something, and bam, like Superman, they are gone.  I can’t tell you what to put on your list that is up to you.  Don’t worry, with a little practice your lists will be awesome, and inspiring.

B.  Drive your subordinates and coworkers without mercy.  Brutality will get things done, and you want them to get things done.  Remember these are the people you will need to walk all over to the get to the middle (the course on getting to the top will come in the next installment, don’t get too far ahead of yourself).  If they get a little surly remind them that their personnel file with their home address and next of kin, is in an unsecured office, within walking distance.  If the threat of violence is a little extreme, try becoming Facebook “friends” with all of the people you plan to use.  It can be a gold mine of exploitable, blackmail ready missteps, a perfect maul with which to bludgeon the independent.

III.  Don't be afraid to use espionage, and sabotage in your quest to walk all over your friends, co-workers, and acquaintances.  If they are doing something that looks important, steal it, if that is not possible pour coffee on it, what ever it takes to ruin their big presentation.  If an associate is working late offer to help "carry the load," and then ignore your responsibilities, and promises, leaving them floundering with an incomplete, coffee stained presentation.  Laugh all the way to the vending machine, get a Twinkie, you have earned the cream filled, delicious pastry.

That is probably enough for the first lesson.  Remember, clawing your way to the top is difficult, unpleasant, and distasteful, filled with sacrifice, toil, and stress, the pain can be overwhelming, and the trials incomprehensible, but once you get there, it will all be worth it, I think.  Whoever makes it first, please send down confirmation.

We all owe you, thanks for the tip

Sunday, a day of rest, a day to research, a day to get one step ahead of the game.  With that in mind, we smoked a brisket, and man was it hard to get it into the pipe.  Sorry, just a little backyard barbecue humor there.  It was very good, and we had time to sit, have a cold beer and study the graphic below.

This was forwarded to us, here at Life Explained, by long time friend, and huge fan of us, here at Life Explained, Gale.   A person who understands the dangers facing the world today, and has managed to uncover this foolproof chart to identify and deal with the various hazards of the modern world.

As becomes obvious, from an ever cursory glance, the world is a terrifying place, filled with eight legged tragedy, hiding under every chair, waiting behind every large appliance, scurrying, climbing, scaring the bejesus out of people, everywhere.

Recently, we, here at Life Explained, commissioned a sturdy that proved conclusively, spiders are the leading cause of death, since the dawn of time.  Oh sure, scientists try to tell you that we are it was a meteor, or a comet, or a giant Mother Ship, crashing into earth, or a volcano erupting, and kicking up a big cloud of dust, blocking out the sun, or something.  Yeah, right, what kind of fools do they take us for.   A big cloud of dust, killing a bunch of huge, indestructible lizards.  It is a shame they didn't have a friend(or the electronic means) to send them this handy chart, or we might be riding a Tyrannosaurus to work, and that would be cool.

Here you go, The First Delivery,

Here you go, +Cynthia Breneman , sorry it took so long, I thought I posted it yesterday, I am not very technically advanced.  Anyway, we all hope it made it in time.

Another crisis, another quick response. You're welcome.

 
It was a beautiful evening, Dr. Dawg and I were sitting on the patio of an exclusive club, in a fashionable, trendy neighborhood, sipping smooth Kentucky bourbon, and expensive, imported beer. Life had rarely looked so promising. It was so wonderful we were both wearing sunglasses despite the gathering dusk.

"We should have some grilled shrimp with picante, and chili peppers." Dr. Dawg said, as a pretty girl walked by, smiled, and patted him on the head. I swear, the ladies love that Dawg. Looking around and trying to get the attention of our waitperson, I heard the unmistakable sound of Elvis singing "Hound Dog" echoing off the glass table top and the half full pint glasses. Showing that Dawg how to change his ring tone was a big mistake. Who knew there were so many songs about dogs? It will be awful when he discovers the Baha Men.

He answered it quickly, "Dr. Dawg, talk to me." He nodded his head several times, saying "I see," and "yes, yes." After several minutes he ended the call with, "don't worry, I will handle this."
Looking me in the eye, he drank down the last bit of his delicious, golden, European draft, rushed inside to the restroom, and reappeared as Candidate Dawg, jumping onto a table top, and began to speak in a clear, promising, compassionate voice.

Reenactment 

Just as quickly, he hurried off,  and came back, sunglasses, and flowered shirt, ready for a relaxing evening as a private citizen.  Campaign contributions deposited, email addresses secured, and another victory for democracy, free enterprise, and capitalism, all in all a pretty good evening, for our hero.

A brief update.

We, here at Life Explained, have been very busy.  So busy, in fact, that, when typing emails I have not had time to use punctuation.  Don't worry though, I end every email with the disclaimer "sorrybutiamsobusyidonthavetimetousepunctuationspacingorcapitalization."  That keeps the Grammar Geeks at bay.  Of course, it takes a long time to type all of that out at the end of each email, so there may not be much time saved.  After an intensive time management study we should have some answers to that pressing question, stay tuned.

It is no secret Friday is everybodies favorite day, here at Life Explained.  But, this is a particularly good Friday.  My wife gave me a coupon for a free dark roast coffee at Dunkin Donuts, that's right, free!  And it was great, that's right, Great!  I saved $1.70 (count 'em one hundred and seventy)!  Plus, when I got out of the car there was a nickel laying there, heads up (long time friend, Ryan, explained that if you find a coin laying heads down you had to turn it over so it is heads up, then it would be safe to pocket, that sounds reasonable to us, but I was saved all of that extra labor, this one was already heads up).  That makes for a tidy profit of $1.75 today (count 'em one hundred and seventy five large, or at least medium).

As if that were not enough (to recap, Friday, and a tidy profit of $1.75, before I even got to work) when I started the car this song was playing.  One of my favorite rock and roll songs of all time.  It makes want to tell "fat Jack to jump back and give me a shot of some booze"

Plus, we have officially launched the New Life Explained Greeting Card Division, suitable for any occasion.  Order yours now, before everybody, everywhere already has one.  That would be so embarrassing.

Front of Card

Inside of Card

Remember "Vote For Dr. Dawg, it is your only hope."

Happy Bosses Day!

I work for a small, privately owned company.  My direct supervisor is one of the owners.  She is a remarkable person in many ways.  Several years ago she forbade us from giving her gifts, so today I am going to write this post wishing her a Happy Bosses Day, and that will probably change her mind.

In every other job I have ever had it was always easy to feel like I was the smartest person there.  It may not have always been true, but there was plenty of anecdotal evidence, and that was good enough for me.  Not here.  She is so brutally intellectual, so well educated, so incredibly smart, that it can be a little intimidating to try to have a conversation.  She can grasp difficult concepts, and wrestle them into submission, all while typing up the summary of a manual of complicated, convoluted, verbose instructions, breaking the whole thing down into one or two pages of concise, clear, easy to follow steps.

"When you give to the needy let not your right hand know what your left hand is doing."  She gives, constantly, to organizations, to charities, to all sorts of people and places that come asking.  Almost all of those come through my department before leaving the building.  And, I only notice a very few.  On the rare occasions I have mentioned the kindness, and generosity, she dismisses it, quickly, and firmly.

And, she is a great person to work for!  She will give you plenty of rope, and you are free to decide if you want to make a macrame, or a noose.  I am still deciding, sometimes it gets a little difficult to breathe.  Even those times (more than I care to remember) that I have done something monumentally stupid she did not yell, and has found a way to forgive.  And that has to get old after a while.

There is probably nobody, anywhere in the world that is more thorough.  When she gets done with something every T has been crossed, and there are dots over every I.  She is compulsively, consistently correct, in everything she does.  It is hard work and she is tireless, in the demands she places on herself, and the work she powers through, every day.  And, I have nothing but respect for her.

Everybody who reads this should add a Happy Bosses Day comment, and I will pass those on to her.

I was going to take a picture of my whole department wishing her a Happy Bosses Day, but we are way too immature to make something so complicated work.  So I am using the first issue in the new line of Life Explained Greeting Cards (don't forget to order yours know, they are completely customizable, and only marginally too expensive).

And, The Celebration Continues.

Yesterday I was greeted by this happy sight when I went to lunch.  It was kind of a teary moment for the whole company, most of whom don't even know I have a blog.  In fact this woman probably doesn't know.  But, she is a very good sport, (and a very good friend, and a exceptionally good person) and agreed to hold the sign, which was actually a box, with a product still inside, and I just added the text.*

Actually, she is always willing to help me out by holding props and letting me take her picture, sometimes I use an app to put a silly mask on her, and she never, well hardly ever, gets mad about it.  This time I just cropped the picture, so she can't complain at all, probably.

But, 500 posts later, something foolish should be done, and I am just the guy for the job.

On to more news, I have decided to approach Peter Garrett, member of the Australian House of Representatives, to be the Official Celebrity Endorser for Life Explained, not because of his political success, at least not just because of his political success, more because of his time as the spokesperson and lead singer for Midnight Oil.

So many of their songs said the things I am saying, repeatedly, of course being Australian, he sounds much better saying them, and being fearless, and politically keen, he said them with much more vigor, and putting them to music always makes them sound better.  Other than those few things we are like brothers.  So, here is my brother Peter, (and possibly future Celebrity Front Man for Life Explained) singing about greed, waste and the excesses of capitalism, I think.

I will see you for post 503, or maybe 504.  I can't really remember.

*text added with "Strip Design," see my review here.

500, read and 'em weep, but please weep quietly.

Yesterday I posted my 500th entry in this humble blog.  Five hundred is a big number, a lot of words, and some investment of time, not always a lot of thought, or any real ideas, but plenty of..., well I don't know what, but there is plenty of it.

Looking back it is still uncertain what drove that first post, so many months ago.  And I can't really say why I keep typing.  I guess, maybe, I had something to say, and maybe I still do.  Maybe, maybe I just like the idea of other people reading the things I wrote, and maybe I am just too stubborn to stop, who knows.

It seems like I should do something celebratory, something significant, but, like my reasons for starting and staying, what that would be escapes me.  We are going to a pot luck dinner at our neighbors house this evening, I might pretend that is all in honor of 500!  I will do that on surreptitiously, taking a few pictures, and acting like they are all there praising my talent, or at least my endurance.  Look for pictures here, with embellished banners and speech bubbles, later.

I have been considering changing platforms lately, maybe Wordpress, or something similar, mostly because I have a new computer, (a Surface Pro 3) and in Microsoft Word there is an option to write, format and publish my blog posts, but I can not figure out how to use the picture server to work.  (I have a Flickr, Photobucket, and Picasa account in case any of you technical wizards have any insights.)  But, at 500 I am not sure I want to change.

Recently I have started submitting work to Lefty Pop, and Find.com, and they are tied at two published submissions each, so stay tuned for updates.

That covers the past, for the most part.  Now, I need to start working on the future, and that is pretty cool.

Politics the American Way

Some people despise political ads, finding them too vicious, too mean, and too degrading. Politics is a dirty business, and you have to be tough to survive. At the same time, reality based television is still popular, sporting events draw large crowds, and shows using voting audiences to decide the results of competitions still have large followings of devoted fans. As an organization with a dedicated, vested interest in seeing the right people in office it is our civic duty, here at Life Explained, to devise a plan using the best of all of these, (am mash-up if you will, or a hash-up for those of you in the culinary arts) into a failsafe, foolproof system that will guarantee the continued operation of the United States© and the American Dream™.

Bil, our longtime friend, and valued coworker, participated in chess boxing for a time (he retired undefeated, by the way, having played a few games of "Chess with Friends" against him, we can say he must be a very good boxer). This is a unique blend of the mental and physical arts, wherein the competitors play a game of chess between rounds of a boxing match. One of the ways to win is checkmate, of course, but it is unclear if the boxing portion has any effect on the outcome, other than decreasing the ability of your opponent to formulate and execute a winning strategy through repeated blows to the head. It is, probably, safe to say a knockout would count as a win, but we could not ask Bil if there were any other scoring during the boxing, he was on vacation for the week. So, for five days he was not such a valued coworker after all. We will get some answers to these pressing questions on Monday.

Political debates have become, more or less, symbolic of the problems that face our democracy today. They do not really express anything, only reinforcing the beliefs of the faithful. Without fail, both candidates will walk away claiming victory, and the parties will dogmatically drive home the points they feel best represent their nominees stunning, crushing success. Any undecided voter will quickly lose sight of the things they felt were important, and be buried under the claims of the television analysts. It is safe to say that most of the people watching already know how they are going to vote, and the rest are tired of the wasted breath, and empty rhetoric.

But, we here at Life Explained have a plan to change that! "The Life Explained Boxing Debate©" brought to you by (we are still looking for corporate sponsors, here is your chance to hit it big). Candidates will debate the important issues of the day, and at the bell, they will box for two minutes. People will log on and vote for who they think is doing the best job.

 Of course, nobody wants to elect a candidate just on his ability to pummel an opponent without mercy, at the same time the country needs a father, a man who can carry his own stuff, a salt of the Earth type. A guy who has your back when things get tough. That is why people can vote on both the debate, and boxing components.

There will still be a moderator, but there will also be an announcer, and a commentator, and a ring girl, corner men, and fight doctors, and ring side seats filled with wealthy people dressed in clothing that adequately describes their worth. Girls in skimpy costumes parading around the ring between rounds. Concession revenues, and scalpers selling tickets outside the doors, gambling, and all of those great American symbols of freedom, and success. People will be excited to vote again.

America will be saved, the economy will be boosted, and we might start electing presidents every year.

 
We, here at Life Explained would like to add the following disclaimer, "we have nothing against girls, and sincerely believe that many girls can punch with enough force to run for political office, at any level. So please don't email your indignation, and please don't punch us. It was just a joke."

 

 

More Good News, No, More Great News.

It is now 5:30 in the morning, well, 5:36 if you are keen for precision, (I'm not), and I could not wait to bring you the good news, no the great news.  I will wait here while you get a cup of coffee, and maybe a donut, or a roll, if you want go ahead and make some toast, I will wait.  Hey, if you think I am going to sit here while you whip up a pancake, or a tin of muffins, you are crazy, this is big news, huge news.

Are you sitting?  Good, you will want to be sitting for this.

The kind people at Lefty Pop in all of their boundless generosity, and unequaled brilliance have agreed to post another of my entries.  Please take a look at it here Wow, what a great piece of writing.

If you have any decency you will rush right over, read the article and leave a comment demanding more from this unusual talent, (that would be me, by the way)  and you might want to throw in something about the wonderful toupee I am wearing in the picture.

Mid Terms, Our Big Chance.

Mid term elections are now heating up, and the insults, innuendo and accusations are beginning to fly.  Up to this point it has almost seemed lackadaisical, or at least inconsistent, almost polite.  No more, though, it is full swing, and the hate is evident.

Each candidate, more accurately each candidate's proxy, PAC or party apparatus is desperately trying to convince voters of the incompetence, and potentially criminal activity of the opponent.  One can only assume it is much easier to compel people to believe the bad.  "How could you possibly elect my opponent, he is so much worse?"

After only a couple of days we have decided that we, here at Life Explained, a company of sane, rational, productive, tax paying citizens of this nation, can not possibly waste our vote on any of these awful, despicable felons.  In fact we are not sure they are wholesome enough, have the mental acuity, and moral faculties to clean bathrooms in Hell.

Of course, we are still committed to fulfilling our obligations in this grand experiment known as the United States.  As Charles de Montesquieu said, so conveniently appropriate for the sake of this blog post, "the tyranny of a prince in an oligarchy is not so dangerous to the public welfare as the apathy of a citizen in a democracy."  Well said, Mr Montesquieu, well said.

So, we have decided, since we need to vote, all of us, here at Life Explained, we are going to run Dr. Dawg in every race, in every district in which one of our fine employees, here at Life Explained, lives.

Needless to say, this is going to be very expensive, television ads, campaign staff, and all.  So, please, for the sake of our country, give generously to the "Dr. Dawg (please fill in seat, judgeship, school board, or any  elected  position here).  It  is your civic duty.  Remember, vote for Dr. Dawg, it is your only hope.

Blood Moon Explained, well not yet, but soon.

Last night was the Blood Moon, which sounds bad, (there are few ways to make it sound pleasant, "oh, would you like a Blood Moon Pie to go with your RC Cola, Bobby?"  "Shine on, shine on harvest Blood Moon up in the sky."  Nothing really works.)   There is a completely rational, logical, scientific explanation for this phenomenon, they say it has something to do with the light of the sun passing through the Earth's atmosphere.

Though, that seems a little convenient, a little too easy, "oh sure, it is nothing to worry about, it's not really a Blood Moon, we just call it that, because it was the most pleasant image we could possibly imagine.  It has nothing to do with ritual slaughter, pagan sacrifice, or boundless, unimaginable bloodshed, and violence.   It's just a name, that's all."

Then, just when it seemed it couldn't get any weirder, this morning the whole moon was swallowed by a giant shadow.  Of course, they have another trite, easy answer for that, "the Earth was between the sun and the moon."  Look, we are no experts, but everybody knows space is a big place, with a lot of extra room.  Somehow we managed to drive our relatively small planet between the only two things that any reasonably sane person can actually name in the vast, infinite expanses of the sky?  Do you take us for fools?  That would be like two golf balls, hit by two different golfers on two separate holes running into each other, and landing in a birds nest.  Which, as far as we know, has never happened.

We here, at Life Explained, are sending a  "deep cover operational agent" into the unsavory world of Lunar Cycles, and Celestial Events to get to the bottom of this.  This brave soul is willing to risk life and limb to find the answers, to set the record straight.

This fearless associate finds no task too difficult, no risk too great, no challenge too daunting.  He is the right agent, at the right time, and we are all in his debt.

We should have the real answer, the unvarnished truth, in a couple of days.

Another act of selfless generosity from the wonderful people at Find.Com

Just when you thought they had reached the limits of compassion the fantastic people at Find.com (WHY SEARCH WHEN YOU CAN FIND?) have let me post another app review.


Check it out here, Monument Valley, it was fun.  And remember to check out all of their great stuff while you are there.  It is a great idea.

Selecting the proper after dinner wine.

Things got a little tense, and we had to call security.  It all started innocently enough, we were sitting in the kitchen, having some pizza and a few laughs.  It was really relaxed, and people were genuinely enjoying the camaraderie.  There is a special bond that develops between people who work so closely on something for so long, a unique brotherhood.  And, that was evident in the atmosphere after dinner.

We had worked so hard, and for such an extended period, battling monumental odds.  Finally we were able to transport matter across great distances  using kinetic motion energy (we had sent a box of generic brand tissues from the lab, to the bathroom, while not that far, it is well over 100 feet, and that is nothing to sneeze at, even if you have a box of tissues).  In layman's terms, we had "blasted" it from one place to another using a controlled burst of synthetic energy.

What makes this so remarkable, and so difficult is controlling the amount of energy so preciseley, that it doesn't damage the wall, and leaves the tissues intact when they reach the limit of the beam.  It would have really been a mess had it turned the box of tissues into confetti, and the custodian would have been really steamed.

He still hasn't gotten over the "nuclear microwave" hot dog monster who had sprayed everyone in the kitchen, and the kitchen with catsup, mustard and sweet pickle relish, before succumbing to massive myocardial infarction, turns out hot dogs really are bad for you, despite being so delicious.  Just as a cautionary note, don't ask him about the atomic hot dog monster, he might go nuclear.  Sorry, just a little scientist humor there.

Anyway, things were going well, a real celebratory aura, a spirit of accomplishment, and delight.  But, things turned sour quickly.  Once the chardonnay was gone, and they broke out the merlot we knew it was going to go bad.  You know the old saying "merlot then chardonnay, that's ok, chardonnay, then merlot, oh God, no."




There is nothing worse than a bunch of exuberant scientists all hopped up on a little of the red,
slamming down burgundy glasses full of merlot, it is an ugly sight, and it degenerates very quickly until they are nothing but a mob of angry, threatening gang members, in white lab coats.  Fortunately, they can't hold their merlot very well, either, and soon they were all slumped onto the tables sound asleep, wine glasses, and prescription eyeglasses laying everywhere.

Well, tomorrow is going to be a long, bad day around here.  I should get some sleep, and I don't want to be here when the custodian sees this.

Thank you, to all of the Dylan fans here.

Somebody, possibly several somebodies, has been posting quite a few Bob Dylan videos on Google+.  This has made me very happy, thank you all.  Dylan has been an icon in my life for so many years, memory fades trying to remember a time when he wasn't a regular on my music player, I had Bob Dylan 8 tracks cassettes.  It was a long time ago.

To this day, Dylan remains an unrepentant individualist.  His recent work may be as strong as his earliest albums.  He writes songs that can be universal in meaning, and so narrowly focused at the same time.  He hammers home a point and lets the listener figure out what it means to them.

Since he began his meteoric rise to music royalty he has been unapologetic, and cared little for the criticism.  He ignored the people who felt his voice was less than ideal, the same for the people who felt he sold out whatever style they preferred.  He made music his way, and when he sang it always seemed to me that the voice and lyrics were a perfect match.

His voice has aged, and changed, but I still find it perfectly in sync with the lyrics.  Lyrics that are still strong and vibrant, filled with life, and meaning.  He is evolving, experimenting, even at 73 he is new and fresh.  I hope he is working on another album.

His music takes a lot of room on my phone, and Siri and I listen to a lot of Dylan.  "Siri, play 'Changing of the Guards'."


So to all of you who have been posting his videos, thank you, because the times may be changing but Dylan is still fantastic.  Let me return the favor."Changing of the Guards" album version

Making Work More Manageable One Day at a Time.

As the weekend nears, and life begins to take a happier turn, and a little skip finds its way into your step, and a happy, little whistle begins to follow you down the rigorous paths of your workday don't forget to take a moment and think of all of the things that need to be done next Monday.

Remember, it is your job, and the work involved, that really make the weekend seem so special.  So think for a few minutes about all of the toil, and labor waiting for you when you get to work.  Remember the phone calls, or data entry, or order filling, or patient care, think of all the filing, pulling, pushing and shoving, and customer service rat race that is just on the other side of the two day heaven that is so close you can smell the freedom.

Take a few moments, and think about the best way to allocate your time.  Set goals, and plan steps to meet them, remember that tasks are much easier to manage if broken down into small, easily achieved steps.  Making a list is a great idea.  Lists are great, like this;

Together we can do anything
Want a cup of Coffee?

Large Difficult Goal!

1. Small, manageable step.
2. Next step, hey this is great.
3. Another step.
4. Doing so well, taking a coffee break.
5. Stop and talk to Bob about the football game.
6. Donuts in the kitchen, great!
7. Well, what the heck, almost lunch time
8. Great article on the internet about spiders, check it out
9. Oh crap, forgot to order new earbuds, might as well compare a few styles.
10. You know, Bob is an idiot, go talk to Ted about football game.
11. Thirst overpowering go to vending machine, buy Coke.  
12. Go tell Bob, Ted thinks he is an idiot.
13. Almost time to go home, no point starting anything now.
14. If you're not going to start anything, might as well split.
15. See you tomorrow, 

See, now that you have a plan the weekend will be much more enjoyable.  You're welcome.

Another Study Debunked, maybe

In an effort to save time and money, reduce waste, improve efficiency, and ease public concerns a group of arachnologists led by Dr. Richard Vetter, from the University of California, Riverside have embarked on a study to identify spiders that are often found in imported shipments. It is believed that this work (This Is No Time To Panic) will fill the "knowledge gap."

Citing incidents where lay people have mistakenly assumed these spiders were of "medical importance," and asked for verification before proceeding, the scientists are hoping to provide a means of identifying spiders that may be dangerous.  It is their belief that informed people will make wise decisions, people armed with knowledge will not panic.

They did not say exactly how they plan on dispersing this information.  One can only assume it will be in pamphlet form, or possibly a small booklet, or maybe even a smart phone app.  "Spiders, sometimes they won't kill you."

Workers unloading a boat filled with bananas will come across a behemoth spider, or possibly several, looking to all the world as though they might have been responsible for the extinction of the dinosaur.  Thinking quickly and rationally they will pull out their little study, comparing pictures of spiders with a similar appearance, and they will know right then and there what kind of spider they are dealing with.

And then they will flee in terror, because it is a huge spider, or several, and nobody cares what some crazy scientist (arachnologist) who was silly enough to actually decide to spend his or her life looking at these monstrous, evil, malevolent, sadistic things has to say.  It is a huge spider from the jungles of South America, and there is no way that thing is safe. "Look into me eyes (all six of them) and you will know despair."

If we are lucky they will set the boat on fire, or better still have the Air Force bomb the danged thing, we can still find a use for some of those decommissioned nuclear weapons, no point in letting them go to waste. 

And you know what else is troubling here?  Where in the heck is the border patrol in all of this mess?  And the coast guard, and the INS, shouldn't they be paying attention to the hordes of vicious, marauding, blood thirsty... 

Anyway, we, here at Life Explained, would like to thank the scientists involved in this study, they are a fearless bunch, and the world is a better place for people like that.

Hey, really good news.

Party Time!

To all of you people who asked the question, "oh sure, he can type, but can he write?"  Well, the answer is still "probably not."  But, the fantastically intelligent, web savvy, way ahead of their time, convenience providing people at Find.com have been so kind as to post this wonderful little thing I threw together just the other day.  My Very First Real Review!  So, if you are trying to find "just the right thing," head over to Find.com, the slogan says it all, "Why search when you can find?"

For those of you keeping score at home this is the second piece published.  This may not qualify as viral, or even bacterial, but it is at least anemic, and possibly "working from home, ill."

 It has been such a long journey from my childhood, raised in the woods of Kentucky, scraping by, barely having enough to eat.  Working my way, slowly and painfully across Indiana, to Chicago, where I rose through the ranks of local and state politics to eventually become the President of the Unit...  Wait, that wasn't me, that was Abraham Lincoln.

Anyway, I would like to thank +Mike Raven of the The Blog Of Thog, who told me about the wonderful, generous, keenly intellectual people at Find.com.  And the keenly intellectual people of Find.com, who may be kind enough to accept another post, (so buy all of your stuff through that sight), and Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, who once said, "wow, getting your picture on paper money, now that's class."